A Prayer for the Spoken Bride, disciple of Jesus.

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CORINNE GANNOTTI

 

In the past few months, I've been rereading and meditating on the words of the Church found in the Catechism's article about the Sacrament of Matrimony. 

I've been so moved by its language - the way in which its authors describe the nature and end of marriage, and all its essential qualities. But beautiful as they are, it can be easy to read the teachings of the Catechism contained here as spiritual reflections that feel far from our lived experiences of married life. 

But that's not what they are meant to be. 

“Catechesis” is the term used in the language of faith to describe the whole effort of the Church to make disciples. So, we can understand that all the words contained in the Catechism are placed there to help form us to be better disciples of Jesus, more honest and intentional followers of Him. 

They aren't just beautiful theological conjecture. The spiritual words of the Church here are meaningful for our real lives - in study and formation and prayer. They come from Sacred Scripture, the Church Fathers, liturgy, the Church's Magisterium. And honestly, praying with the very words of this section of the Catechism is a beautiful way to realize their catechetical aim, because prayer is a central way in which we live out our lives as disciples.

My own praying with these paragraphs of the Catechism has been a blessing. And should you ever choose to, I'm very confident it will bless you as well. 

I found that the fruit of praying with these teachings was a deep sense of encouragement. And I really believe the Teaching Church wants married couples to find inspiration and reassurance here. So even if you don’t find in yourself the desire to sit with these paragraphs in the quiet of personal prayer, I hope to offer you a sense of that encouragement in a little poetic prayer crafted with some of the words and much of the spirit of this section of the Catechism. 

I hope in it you can hear the voice of the Body of Christ - the Church Jesus left to form and guide and bring you close to Him - encouraging you in your vocation.

A Prayer for the Spoken Bride

As I live daily in the workings of the mystery of marriage,
Keep me awake to Your movement, O God.

You are the author of this covenant union and I do not stand alone. Entwined within my marriage’s intimacy is the power of Your Holy Spirit, And you will not deny me the grace which I seek.

You have created me for communion.
Give me the grace to find You in my spouse even when I forget that this very intimate belonging is Your great gift to me, through him. Marriage makes my whole life echo Your character to the world - A chance to become an image of the absolute and unfailing love with which You love.

Free my marriage from the entanglement of sin and sanctify me through the brokenness I encounter in my spouse, and he in me.
May our love be marked with a pattern of forgiveness and repair. May I experience a taste of Your holy mercy through my husband’s love for me, my husband who accepts me despite my shortcomings, who chooses me in my frailty.

Fortify my marriage against the enemy who seeks to undermine our love, to plant seeds of discontent and fear and a desire for self-protection where it does not belong.
For there is no fear in love, and in Your holy name I cast it out.

It is You who binds up my wounds - the ones that only marriage may cause me to realize I possess.
Give me Your grace, the holy life You promise me through this Sacrament, never refuse it to me. Without it I can never hope to live the fidelity I have promised. Because it is Your fidelity I have promised.

May the love of my marriage be found good, very good in Your eyes. May the sufferings my husband and I bear now as crosses in our shared life on earth become our shared offering to You - enflamed with the fire of your Holy Spirit, who guards the bond of our union.
May they be like burnt offerings made from the altar of our Domestic Church - our island of belief in an unbelieving world.

You will never leave me.
As You ask me, through marriage, to live entirely in a posture of gift, You also prepare me to receive new life in You and through You. As I learn to endure in generosity, I will find You there. In whatever way you shape my family on this earth, I will find You there.

May my marriage be for my good and the good of my husband.
May I trust in Your providence.
May I know Your intimate love.
Without you, I can do nothing.

You are the source of my marriage’s love,
You are the end of my marriage’s love,
You are Love.

Holy Family of Nazareth, pray for us.

Amen.

About the Author: Corinne studied Theology and Catechetics at Franciscan University where she met her husband, Sam. They were married in 2016 and now live in Pennsylvania with their two children, Michael and Vera, and where she continues to work in the ministry field. She especially enjoys reading stories with her 3 year old, running, and crossing things off her to-do list. She desires to live a life marked by joy, and is grateful to have a family who makes that effort much easier by helping her take herself less seriously.

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Praying for Joy in our Poverty: Battling Desolation in Tough Seasons

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DOMINIKA RAMOS

 

I recently had a conversation with a friend on the fair division of labor in marriage. 

I had to keep from laughing as for the past five months my husband and I have been living long distance due to a career transition we've made. Our division of labor looks like me doing absolutely everything on the list of things the marriage gurus tell you that you should divide up. 

And for the previous year, we were in a completely unfeasible situation of my husband working multiple jobs so I could stay at home with the kids--including a fresh newborn. I did nearly every night time wake up with the baby and put all the kids to bed most nights on top of the normal tasks of cooking and cleaning.

If I wasn't armed with a sense of humor, it would be easy for my thoughts to turn sour every time I heard conventional marriage and child rearing advice for married couples in conventional circumstances. 

And sometimes my thoughts do turn sour. Once after hearing the oft-repeated advice for burnt-out moms to "ask for help," I wanted to scream. As if asking the question would make a fairy godmother appear who would lift my burdens.

Yet amidst all the non-applicable advice, an incredibly moving way I've heard to contend with extreme circumstances is to pray for "joy in our poverty."

Any kind of extremity, financial, emotional, physical and so on, is a type of poverty, a lack of something essential. So this prayer is a challenge to my automatic response to difficulty of simply gritting my teeth and soberly, rather than joyfully, enduring.

And surprise, surprise the prayer doesn't make me instantly joyful. I still battle crankiness and desolation on a daily basis. But it's a continual reminder to me that my marriage and my life is a gift.

Too often it feels as though marriage is a gift in the abstract. Of course the sacrament of marriage is a gift, but not today, not when I'm a thousand miles away from my husband and my children are all conspiring to push me to the outer limits of my sanity. God clearly meant it to be a gift and only meant me to experience joy when we're making memories and getting along.

But our God is a God who emptied Himself out and became a visible image of poverty on the Cross whence He made all joy possible.

And so this prayer, short and sweet as it is, grounds me in reality and reminds me that our difficulties are not incidental, but part of the life in which God has placed me and my family to become holy.

About the Author: Dominika Ramos is a stay-at-home mom to three and lives in Houston, Texas. She runs a creative small business, Pax Paper.

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The Posture of Preparation

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ADELAE ZAMBON

 

We dream about it as a little girl: our wedding; that encounter with our groom. We wonder who he will be; what the day will be like.

Once we’ve met him and a word of commitment to forever is exchanged, we prepare for that long-awaited day. We ready ourselves for our groom.

As months, weeks, days, and hours pass and lead us closer to the moment we meet him as his bride, we meticulously choose colors, centerpieces, flowers, a wedding dress, our bridal garments; we adorn ourselves with hairpieces, earrings, the special ring, a sweet scent; we clean our bodies and our souls for the Sacrament, entering into the covenant. Attentive to every detail, we ready ourselves.

In the weeks leading up to Christmas, we walk through another preparatory season, one set aside to recall and celebrate Christ’s first Advent, His coming to us in His nativity. Yet, it is also a time to meditate on His promise to return, that He will come again. For that second Advent, we are summoned to be ready.

What does it mean “to be ready?”

At its foundation, it means living a life of prayer and frequenting the Sacraments; remaining in a state of grace and perpetual detachment of this world, our souls en garde for the next. It looks like living intimacy with Christ as our hopeful hearts anticipate Him.

It also means maintaining a posture of readiness in all that we do, perhaps even in our vocation. 

Through the language of the body, what we actively set in motion can impact our spiritual disposition. 

When we open our hands with receptivity in prayer; when we genuflect or bow down; when we physically seek out Jesus in Church, these physical gestures have the ability to translate to the openness of our soul to the Lord.

What if this is true in our homes as we live in preparation for our Bridegroom, Jesus? What if, as we practice readiness, service and hospitality towards our spouse, our “bridegroom of the present,” we prepare ourselves for Love Himself to return?

What if the posture of bridal anticipation and receptivity in expectation of Christ, our Bridegroom can manifest and can form and mold our hearts in the way we await, greet and serve our husbands in the home?

The childlike heart of my son has taught me much about looking forward to the arrival of his father. His first words when he wakes from his nap are most often, “wait for Dada?” He knows his father will be back after a long day at work and he wants to be there, outside, on the curb to greet him.

Through the beautiful witness of this little one’s pure love, my husband’s homecoming is truly celebrated after great expectation. Now, it is the highlight of our day. When he returns, we meet him with the depths of enthusiasm and joy of being reunited with the one we missed during his absence.

This has brought me to reflect upon meeting Jesus when He comes back for us. Am I ardently perched on the stoop of my heart yearning to encounter Him? 

We can choose to make every greeting with our spouse a prayer for our readiness to greet Christ Himself. We can pray for our spouse’s encounter at that time with his Lord. And we can pause to reflect in this routine or “commonplace” moment with awe upon the inconceivably greater joy it will be when it is our Lord we are reunited with.

In a similar way, as we set the table, prepare a meal, tidy the house, furnish the homespace, our gestures of hospitality and service can serve our growth in intimacy with Our Lord. In Theology of the Home by Carrie Gress and Noelle Mering, readers are introduced to the idea that the interior of our domestic churches, our homes, is meant to draw those who come within to a reflection of their Eternal Home. 

Our domestic church sanctuaries are meant to bring us into encounter with the Divine like walking into our parish sanctuary.

The daily, mundane tasks can become a prayer and the posture we hold as we go about them can cultivate within us a lamp that is lit for the visit Christ will pay us one day.

Growing up, preparing for my own father’s return home after a work day, we would tidy the home, help prepare the evening meal and try to create an environment of calm, warmth and hospitality despite the rowdy, energy of eight young ones running about. 

Vividly, I recall my mom explaining she must “prepare her home for her king;” this is how she saw making a home for my dad. I have taken this to heart in serving my own king of the home, who I have been called to serve. Each motion serves as a reminder of how I want my external and internal space to be when Jesus knocks on my door. I want my abode to be ready to welcome him.

Readiness for Christ requires us to ready our soul. The Sacraments cultivate spiritual receptivity. They heal us and call us into union with Him through the grace we are given there. Prayer without ceasing keeps us aware and attuned to HIS movements - where is He, where is He calling us and when is He coming for us. 

Ultimately, too, this intimacy with Christ is the catalyst for intimacy between a husband and wife. And our marital union here foreshadows and forms us for the heavenly union with our Bridegroom. We are His bride. On Him, we wait. For us, He shall come. Make haste, light your lamp.

About the Author: Adelae Zambon is a “transplant Texan,” who met and married a Canadian singer-songwriter. Together they share a love for ministry and journeying with other couples into the healing, redemptive power of the Sacrament of Marriage. In her spare time, Adelae enjoys road trips punctuated by local coffee shop stops along the way. However, she will most often be found chasing a delightfully inquisitive toddler or savoring every moment of naptime for the space it offers her to write.

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An Unexpected Hour: Encountering the God of Surprises

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ERIN BUCHMANN

 

Advent can feel like a challenging season if it comes at a time when God doesn’t seem to be answering our prayers.

The season invites us to recall images of the Annunciation, the Visitation, and the journey to Bethlehem for the birth of Christ. Mary is pregnant, eagerly awaiting the birth of Christ and the imminent fruition of God’s long-promised salvation. God’s hand is visibly at work in her life and in the world. 

The hour of redemption that the world has been preparing for since the Fall in the garden of Eden is quickly approaching. Jesus is near.

Yet, for us, sometimes Advent can come during a season of life when Jesus feels less near, God less active. 

Sometimes we may feel more like the patriarch Jacob’s wife, Rachel: forgotten, abandoned by the Lord. We long for the fulfillment of the desires of our hearts, and yet we know full well that only God can fulfill our desires for children, for a spouse, for love. It can feel as though God isn’t listening to our prayers when we don’t see them answered as we expect.

Approaching Advent as a time of preparation to meet Christ, both at Bethlehem and at the second coming, is not a wrong way of approaching the season. But if you find yourself feeling frustrated by Christ’s seeming absence this year, I encourage you to try approaching Advent in a different way. 

Instead of looking for the expected Christ, as the savior for whom you have been eagerly waiting, open your heart instead to encounter the Christ of the unexpected, the God of surprises.

What do I mean by this? You may have your life planned out in your mind. You have your hopes and your dreams, which you have brought repeatedly to God and placed at His feet. I encourage you to go one step further. 

Set those hopes and dreams and that plan for your life at God’s feet and leave them there. Then keep walking forward in your life. Take the next right step, as you understand it. Don’t over-analyze. If you find peace, continue forward. If not, change something. You might discover Christ waiting for you behind a door you only needed to open.

God knows the plans we hold, and our dreams. He likes it when we bring these things to Him in prayer. But God is not a machine, where an input of this prayer yields that result. We cannot fathom His timing. 

As in our lives, God’s action and presence in the story of the first Advent is comprehensible only in retrospect. To Mary, Elizabeth, and Joseph, it was shrouded in mystery.

When we view God as a machine, we essentially reverse our roles. We imagine ourselves as the mover and God as the instrument. 

By surrendering our hopes to Him, especially the ones we hold most dear, we adopt a true Advent mindset, the mindset of Mary. We adopt a mindset of trust in God’s goodness. 

Trust doesn’t plan, nor does it cling to what was left behind. It does not become discouraged, because it does not expect. It simply believes in the goodness of the One in whom it is placed. It allows God to work in our lives as He wishes, not as we hope or envision. It helps us to accept everything we receive from God as a gift.

You will walk through Advents when your life doesn’t feel like Mary’s, when there is no Joseph standing beside you or when your womb is frustratingly empty. Do not become discouraged. Christmas is not a deadline by which Jesus is bound. 

He loves you, and He actively works in your life whether you see His hand or not. Have the courage to allow Him to surprise you with His good gifts, according to His timing. God is trustworthy. He will not leave you abandoned, or lonely, or empty. At an hour you do not expect, the Son of Man will come .

About the Author: Erin Buchmann hails from the frozen wilderness of central Minnesota. She and her husband are the parents of three little miracles.

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Witnessing to the Fidelity of God in Marriage

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CORINNE GANNOTTI

 

The Catechism contains a section in which each sacrament is reflected upon in detail - its significance in the life of faith, its place in God's plan for us, the meaning of its ritual, its spiritual effects in our souls. 

The article dedicated to the sacrament of Matrimony in particular, contains a portion which reflects on the nature of the kind of love that marriage asks of spouses - specifically the deep fidelity it demands. Nestled in there are a few paragraphs which I truly love. They begin like this:

The "intimate union of marriage, as a mutual giving of two persons…demand total fidelity from the spouses and require an unbreakable union between them. The deepest reason is found in the fidelity of God to his covenant, in that of Christ to his Church. Through the sacrament of Matrimony the spouses are enabled to represent this fidelity and witness to it. 

When I read that, every word feels like it rings with the authentic character of truth. 

Deep fidelity is demanded in marriage, and it bears profound witness to the kind of love that God offers - faithful, honest, personal, forever. 

An unbreakable and intimate union. That's the very reason fidelity is an essential character of marriage in the first place, as an echo of the divine love it symbolizes. That truth is so eloquently explained here. 

But it's actually the paragraph immediately following these that makes me love this section so much and feel a particular kind of gratitude for the bishops who made sure it was included. As you read on, you hear:

It can seem difficult, even impossible, to bind oneself for life to another human being. This makes it all the more important to proclaim the Good News that God loves us with a definitive and irrevocable love, that married couples share in this love, that it supports and sustains them, and that by their own faithfulness they can be witnesses to God's faithful love. Spouses who with God's grace give this witness, often in very difficult conditions, deserve the gratitude and support of the ecclesial community. 

This paragraph plants the divine reality of God's love which marriage images into the imperfect messiness of our fallen world. And it also reminds us that our imaging of God's divine love through marriage is not something that depends solely on our own capacity. It's not some kind of task the Lord places upon us in our vocation as a spouse to see how we measure up.

Choosing to love and serve another person for the rest of our earthly life, to faithfully place their needs above our own, is no small thing. It asks for all we are capable of and more, and that's what can make it at times seem impossible. Apart from grace, it really is. 

And that's the very reason, the Catechism reminds us, that it's so important for us to constantly proclaim to ourselves and others that we draw strength from God's love to live out our marital promises.

Because we can confidently trust that God's faithful love will be ever available, we do not have to fear that we will come up empty handed.

When we are weary and struggling, He can sustain us so that we can continue. Our fidelity can rest in His fidelity.

God, as the shepherds of His Church here remind us, does not wish for us to hide or dismiss our struggle. He wants us to bring it to Him so He can provide healing and restoration and renewal. We can be honest about how difficult the demands of marriage are because in that honesty we make space for God to provide.

Sometimes, I think, in our zeal to defend and witness to the greatness of this sacrament in a culture that misconstrues it greatly or perhaps has dismissed it entirely, we focus so deeply on how marriage is a reflection of the ever-faithful love of God that when we find ourselves experiencing how living that out can sometimes feel like an impossible task, it can seem like admitting to failure. 

We can be tempted to think that struggle within marriage is something we must hide or pretend does not exist if we wish to give the best witness. But that's a lot of pressure. And it can set us up to bear a great deal of shame and self-blame. 

What these statements in the Catechism remind us, is that when we do acknowledge our deep need for God to help us remain steadfast in marriage, far from failing as witnesses to marriage's goodness, we actually become more capable of witnessing to the faithful love it demands, showing how deeply we are bolstered up by God's grace.

If your marriage has ever felt difficult, even impossible, do not fear that you are failing.

You are not, and neither are you alone. You are spoken of in the very lines of the Catechism itself. And the bishops remind you here that you deserve to receive the gratitude and support of the ecclesial community, the whole Church family, because the kind of love marriage asks for is something beyond what we can offer in our humanness even at its best. 

The community of the Church should bolster us up in the midst of our challenges. God supports us in every step, but we have to do what we can to cast off the false and very unhelpful belief that admitting to struggle in our marital relationship makes us less effective witnesses to the goodness of this sacrament. 

Perhaps that effort can look like doing what we can to respond with compassion to the shortcomings we find in ourselves and our spouse, or availing ourselves of the graces and healing available especially through the sacraments of Confession and Communion, or even simply by beginning to pray that God would help us experience the reality of His faithfulness to us.

Far from failure, struggling in marriage allows space for God to supply that which we need, and becomes the way in which we reveal His love to the world.

About the Author: Corinne studied Theology and Catechetics at Franciscan University where she met her husband, Sam. They were married in 2016 and now live in Pennsylvania with their two children, Michael and Vera, and where she continues to work in the ministry field. She especially enjoys reading stories with her 3 year old, running, and crossing things off her to-do list. She desires to live a life marked by joy, and is grateful to have a family who makes that effort much easier by helping her take herself less seriously.

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From Wounds to Glory

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ADELAE ZAMBON

 

"In my deepest wound I saw your glory. . ."

I once heard it said that it is in the sin we suffer the most temptation where we can identify the sort of saint we are called to be. Look to the opposite virtue or the antidote of this scourge.

Struggle with lust? You were made to be a great lover!

Struggle with covetousness? Your fulfillment and joy will be living detachment and simplicity acknowledging God as your all!

Struggle with vanity? The Lord’s design is for you to live in the beauty of your being made in His Divine image!

Struggle with anger? The Lord has created you to be a passionate defender of the vulnerable. Or perhaps a righteous defender of the Faith!

From St. Augustine, we hear: “In my deepest wound I saw your glory, and it dazzled me.”

What if our wounds are the portals that offer the deepest penetration of His transfiguring grace? What if our scars tell the story of His rescue and our restoration?

They are and they do. 

In fact, when redeemed, they are the account of the Kingdom we can bring to the world. Why? Because they are the place where we have once fallen the farthest and where the Lord now lifts us the highest.

This holds true in our relationship as well. The wounds and sufferings between us in our marriages can become His glory stories. 

You see, the Lord wants to make Himself known to us individually, to our spouse and then through us, united, to the world. From out of the darkness and the murk of our pain, we bear witness to His abundant mercy. Then, others can see His GLORY.

The places of temptation, sin and wounding in a relationship are the very places the Lord wants to pour out His grace and let His glory be shone.

Whether your relationship has been wounded by anger, infidelity or pornography; whether you and your spouse have suffered with infertility or loss; whether you have journeyed through illness between the two of you or in your extended family; whether you feel the weight of fighting financial or alcohol intemperance: the Lord can make your story one to testify of His glory.

Perhaps, one day, God will call you to come alongside another couple to encourage, mentor, and share your story as they walk a similar road of suffering. Perhaps you will create a ministry or champion a message that is needed to support couples going through the same trial you went through. I do not know your story or the valleys you have traversed; however, I do know the Lord brings beauty and good through all things and your journey is no different.

If this resonates with you and you are curious where the Lord may want to use your relationship to build the Kingdom and draw souls to His consoling heart, consider:

  • Where has your personal sin thematically affected your relationship? What is the antidote virtue? In what specific way do you think the Lord might be calling you to greatness?

  • What suffering have you endured as a couple that has fortified you? What helped you during this time? What did you wish you had had to assist you in navigating this trial?

  • What strengths, gifts or charisms do you believe the Lord has given to you together as a couple? How might these play a role in the unique mission He has given your marriage?

About the Author: Adelae Zambon is a “transplant Texan,” who met and married a Canadian singer-songwriter. Together they share a love for ministry and journeying with other couples into the healing, redemptive power of the Sacrament of Marriage. In her spare time, Adelae enjoys road trips punctuated by local coffee shop stops along the way. However, she will most often be found chasing a delightfully inquisitive toddler or savoring every moment of naptime for the space it offers her to write.

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Smashing the Idol of Perfectionism in Marriage

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CORINNE GANNOTTI

 

Of the many ways that the vocation of marriage can shape and purify us, one I've found both fantastically difficult and incredibly freeing is the way in which it calls for the absolute demolition of the idols hidden within my heart, specifically perfectionism.

It makes those false gods obvious, laid bare in my experiences of disappointment or unmet expectation - I have to confront those experiences and ask myself honestly if they are reasonable reactions (we are fallen people that fail each other) or if they stem from casting my own vision of what my marriage and my spouse should look like, making that the most important thing.

In marriage, we walk alongside our spouse - entrusted to each other and in that union entrusted to God. Peace comes from knowing God resides there at our center, His grace present in the sacramental bond that tethers us. With His life-giving love to form our vision of what true love should look like lived out and through which to discern where we are headed, things make much more sense. We're more fully able to accept our spouse fully, loving that person deeply through seasons of growth and change and even struggle or failure. 

When we enthrone Christ in the center of our relationship, we can see Him in our spouse so much more clearly and remain focused on our call to love and honor our spouse always. 

But when we replace that with our own view of how we think things should be we can find ourselves trapped worshipping a false god of our own creation. We can get stuck striving for what we think a perfected marriage and life should look like, rather than what God has and continues to reveal to us.

It can be easier than I'd like to admit to dethrone God from the central place where He belongs within my marriage. To instead place my own image of perfection there and slip into caring primarily about creating the kind of life and relationship that will fulfill my personal desires and presumptions of what a holy and happy marriage or family should look like. But there's little space to live and breathe and love authentically there. We spend too much energy striving for something that God doesn’t ask of us, which will never satisfy.

The false idol of perfectionism in marriage will only fill our hearts with a spirit of comparison and the erroneous belief that once things look the way we think they should - once we fix this issue, or my spouse stops acting that way, or this life situation becomes easier - then we will finally have the happiness we desire. 

Sometimes in our longing for the perfect love for which we were created, we can craft mental images that seem good but really end up distorting our vision of the good that actually lies in front of us. And Satan loves to twist those well-intentioned desires into straight up idols that stand in the way of us receiving God's goodness, and instead breed resentment, dissatisfaction, and isolation. From there it becomes ever easier to fall into despair because it seems like things may never look as they "should." This lie can keep us trapped and self-serving if we don't see it for what it truly is.

Once we get stuck creating our own vision of perfection for our marriage, placing that above all else, our real life spouse and real life circumstances may never feel like enough. They may never meet the standard we create for them and even if they do, this is a false victory rooted in selfishness. It's concerned first with what I want, creating the life I think will make me happy in the way I envision. It will always end up falling short and ultimately opposing the kind of self-sacrificial love God invites us to live in this vocation.

Marriage invites us to fight against false idols together by becoming honest together. By facing the expectations and hopes we have, placing them in right order or casting them aside when we find them becoming the things we aim for instead of God Himself. 

If perfectionism creeps into our marriage, we should run to God and ask Him to show us our poverty, to help us remember that the goodness He created us for is greater than any temporal situation we can try to curate for ourselves. Place Him once again on the throne and smash those darn idols into dust so they don't stand in our way, blocking our view of the glorious life we actually have before us and the wonderful spouse we have chosen and the real moments of our day in which we can strive for holiness. 

Smashing idols, working again and again in our imperfection to enthrone God within our hearts so we can love each other well and strive after what will really fulfill us, that sounds better than anything I could imagine.

About the Author: Corinne studied Theology and Catechetics at Franciscan University where she met her husband, Sam. They were married in 2016 and now live in Pennsylvania with their two children, Michael and Vera, and where she continues to work in the ministry field. She especially enjoys reading stories with her 3 year old, running, and crossing things off her to-do list. She desires to live a life marked by joy, and is grateful to have a family who makes that effort much easier by helping her take herself less seriously.

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Discerning your Secondary Vocation

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DOMINIKA RAMOS

 

Do you have ideas of what your role as a wife in marriage should look like? 

PHOTOGRAPHY: Matthew Lomanno

PHOTOGRAPHY: Matthew Lomanno

I've never believed that all women's lives should look a certain way, but I certainly had ideas of what my day-to-day duties as a wife and mother would look like. I was surprised, then, to find God calling me more than once to relinquish my expectations and to realize that his daily calling for me within the life-long vocation of marriage was something that could change.

What helped me most was coming to a fuller understanding of the Catholic Church's beliefs about vocations. The Church sees vocation on three levels: the universal call to holiness, then the primary vocation, and lastly the secondary vocation. 

Through baptism every Christian is given the universal call to holiness. The primary vocation is an individual's calling to marriage, religious life, or consecrated single life. The secondary vocation more specifically makes up your day-to-day life: your job, the way you use your gifts and talents in service of God, the volunteer opportunities you pursue and so on.

The distinction between the three is important, because when we conflate them, we can get rigid and inaccurate ideas about how we should live. 

Too often it can be tempting to listen to loud voices declaring that a faithful Catholic wife stays at home with her children, homeschools, and makes home cooked meals from scratch. Or on the flipside, other voices cry out that if there is any desire in her heart for a dream outside of the home, then not following that desire is denying herself in an essential and unhealthy way.

Neither of these extremes are dogmatic, and when they are taken as such, they can cause needless anxiety. The reality, in my own life, has been far more nuanced. 

I have lived out the secondary vocation within my primary vocation of marriage in many different ways.

I've worked both full-time and part-time outside the home. I've stayed home full time, and I've worked from home. I've sent my kids to daycare, and I've also spent every minute of the day with them. I've recently begun homeschooling my oldest, but perhaps some day I'll send him and his siblings to a brick and mortar school.

I've worked in jobs that did not suit my charisms at all (looking at you, customer service). And I've lived through seasons where the day-to-day tasks that comprise my secondary vocation have been far more fitting for my gifts: lecturing on literature or reading aloud to a preschooler.

And in all seasons there has been sacrifice. In all seasons, my husband and I have had to ask ourselves if the way we've structured our lives is contributing to peace in us as individuals and in our family as a whole, and if not, if there is something we can change to better serve one another.

The longer I've been married, the more I've realized how impermanent the circumstances of day-to-day life can be and how crucial it is to be attentive to the voice of the Holy Spirit in order to not become too attached to the kind of life we've built or the one we desire. 

Related: Exercising Discernment Through Seasons of Life

I've learned that, while it's ideal for our daily work to align with our particular charisms, there are seasons where, for the good of our family, we may have to sacrifice the work we want for the work we must do.

How, then, do you become adept at discerning your secondary vocation? I'm still learning, but here are a few things that have helped me:

Learn from the wisdom of others

Take advantage of the wisdom shared by those who have walked with many people through the same decisions you have to make. Reading a book like What's Your Decision: An Ignatian Approach to Decision Making or Jacques Phillipe's In the School of the Holy Spirit has been particularly helpful for me.

Talk to your spouse

Having regular, honest conversations with your spouse are crucial. It's so easy to go on auto-pilot under the duress of work and family life, that we can fail to see our spouse drowning or vice versa.

Make prayer a priority

We cannot listen to the noise of Catholic media personalities more than the time we spend with God Himself and expect to have clarity in our lives. Spend time with Christ in Adoration, meditate upon His Word, contemplate the mysteries of His life in the Rosary. The goal of this life, the one our secondary vocation should be directed towards, is ultimately to share in God's divine life for all eternity. We cannot do this if we do not know Him.

Discernment doesn't end once we've said "I do" and slipped the ring on our beloved's finger. It never ends, because conversion never ends. 

Understanding God's individual call to us for how we must live out our daily lives is something we must engage in constantly, individually and as a couple.

About the Author: Dominika Ramos is a stay-at-home mom to three and lives in Houston, Texas. She runs a creative small business, Pax Paper.

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Growing in Virtue When Planning a Wedding

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CORINNE GANNOTTI

 

I love that sentence, because it leaves no room for mistaking that a virtuous life is one in which we distance ourselves from the "stuff" of life and focus only on otherworldly things. No - the voice of the Catechism, echoing the voice of Christ to us, helps us realize that really seeking virtue will integrate our natural lives in this fallen world and the divine life of God. 

The more virtue we possess, the easier it becomes to live in relationship with the Holy Trinity in the actual circumstances of our days. And that's a relationship that involves the fullness of who we are - body and soul. 

We express it through concrete actions we make, experiencing it sensorially and spiritually.

Seeking to live in this way is at the heart of everything for a Christian. It matters for our whole life long. But in a particular way, I think this sentence can hold special meaning during the unique season that is wedding planning. It's such a clear time in which we can recognize the impact of virtue. 

The process of planning our wedding involves many decisions to be made about tangible things, but those things have so much spiritual and emotional significance. We have to take concrete actions along with our fiancé and our families to choose the good, discerning what that looks like practically in terms of our wedding celebration and perhaps reception.

If you find yourself in this season, know that God desires to give you His life of grace to help you live it with virtue. Consider that line from the Catechism, spoken over you.

The virtuous bride tends toward the good with all her sensory and spiritual powers. She pursues the good and chooses it in concrete actions.

What does that mean for you, as a bride?

Here are four specific virtues which I think can be especially valuable for the bride-to-be, who is longing to pursue and choose the good as she plans her wedding:


Prudence

Prudence - the ability for us to discern clearly what the true good is in a given situation and choose it, or choose the things that will help us achieve it. Prudence is the virtue which helps us to put our right reason into action.

Temperance

Temperance - the ability to seek what is pleasurable in moderation and with discretion, helping us to use created goods in a balanced and healthy way. It's the virtue that draws our desires up into our understanding of the greatest good - closeness with God.

Hope

Hope - the desire for heaven and eternal life as the true source of our happiness. It's the virtue that puts our longing to be happy in its rightful place - the heart of God. Hope keeps us from looking for satisfaction only in the world before us and so keeps us from discouragement when those things don't fulfill or satisfy our hearts.

Love

Love - the choice to love God above all things and through that love of Him, love ourselves and others. It's the virtue that shapes everything, motivating and animating all we do. Love gives us purpose, and also exists as our goal and desire.

To read more about the virtues, explore Paragraphs 1803 - 1845 in the Catechism of the Catholic Church.

These and all other virtues expand our capacity to live fully and freely. That’s the kind of goodness God wants for us in the season of wedding planning and always.

Take time to ask God to fill you with these graces, to gift them to you for the good of this season you're living and for your future life. There is no shortage of opportunity to put them into action in the days leading up to a wedding, and that itself can be a gift.

About the Author: Corinne studied Theology and Catechetics at Franciscan University where she met her husband, Sam. They were married in 2016 and now live in Pennsylvania with their two children, Michael and Vera, and where she continues to work in the ministry field. She especially enjoys reading stories with her 3 year old, running, and crossing things off her to-do list. She desires to live a life marked by joy, and is grateful to have a family who makes that effort much easier by helping her take herself less seriously.

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Feeling Stuck? How My Husband and I Recommit to Our Priorities.

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STEPHANIE CALIS

 

There is a lot dead in me that needs to be raised. 

During our long-distance engagement, my husband and I would excitedly anticipate finally being together every day and night, dreaming about all we wanted our married life to be: time spent face-to-face and not side-by-side; a shared sense of wonder with time spent outdoors and exploring our city; a home filled with inspiring literature and music. 

It was exhilarating, until the realization set in that we were spending many evenings next to each other on the couch, laptops open to separate projects we should have left at work; until it felt easier to skip a hike or bike ride and just keep clicking next episode; until our Sunday papers and poetry journals sat ignored in favor of our phones.

Why is it so easy to dream, but so hard to take actual steps toward realizing them? My marriage has been through several seasons like this, where apathy takes over and feels easier than making a change, even when we feel dissatisfied with our habits.

When you so deeply desire to be fully alive, bad habits just make you feel...dead.

Though we aren’t perfect at making an immediate change and turnaround, my husband and I have, fortunately, developed an easy list-making practice that helps us reorient ourselves and turn our focus back to what we truly value. If you’re in a “stuck” season yourself, I invite you to get out a notepad and try out a reset. Here’s how:

List 5 things you deeply love and hope to invest your time in.

Is it a favorite hobby? Hosting and hospitality? Quality time with family? Travel? To make this list, consider what renews you and your beloved, what you dream about doing, and what pursuits make time slow down. Write down what it is you love!

List the 5 things you most frequently invest your time in.

No judgment! Just honesty. Is your time most frequently spent on work? Chores? What types of leisure? Who are you with?

Maybe you can see where this is going.

Compare your two lists: is there any overlap? What areas of how you’re actually living your day-to-day align with how you’re hoping to live your day-to-day? 

It’s eye-opening to consider how well, or not well, your priorities and passions correspond to your daily choices. And for me, it’s motivating.

During the times I clearly see myself pushing aside the things that truly bring me alive, choosing the crumbs instead of the feast, I find myself thinking of the span of my life, and what the legacy of my actions, marriage, and family will be: decades from now, will I truly be able to say I sought what is beautiful, good, and fulfilling, or that I spent my life watching TV? To be clear! It’s certainly not wrong to spend an afternoon relaxing with a show you love. If, however, I consistently choose TV over something I objectively enjoy more, a habit is formed and that starts to become my life.

I should also be clear in saying I recognize that these big dreams, that first list of what you love, might feel like a privilege. Sometimes, circumstances and family situations dictate that we’re more beholden to work or that some pursuits aren’t financially attainable for the season you’re in. I encourage you, though, to dream anyway, trusting and hoping that in whatever moments of leisure you have, the Lord in his goodness will revive you still, inviting you to meet him where you are and use your time with intention.

Father, you who are eternal, thank you for the gift of time. May we use it to seek and find you, living lives of integration and fulfillment. Draw us back to you in all things.

About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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The Prayer of St. Francis: A Canticle for Spouses

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CORINNE GANNOTTI

 

Do you know the Prayer of St. Francis? That old peace prayer set to music in the 60's with a tune you can likely identify after only a few bars?

PHOTOGRAPHY: LAURA AND MATTHEW AS SEEN IN TIANA + AJ’S FRANCISCAN UNIVERSITY PORT WEDDING

PHOTOGRAPHY: LAURA AND MATTHEW AS SEEN IN TIANA + AJ’S FRANCISCAN UNIVERSITY PORT WEDDING

I have many memories of singing it as part of monthly school liturgies and events at my Catholic School growing up. These days, I've found myself singing it to my infant daughter as I try to lull her to sleep in the evenings. 

Swaying back and forth slowly with her in my arms, I pray the words over her life - with hope that one day she can bring pardon where there is injury and joy where there is sadness and love where there is hatred.

One night recently, while I rocked my daughter and meditated on the words I was quietly singing, the spousal quality of the prayer struck me. I was honestly overcome as I considered for the first time ever how meaningful they could be for meditation within the context of married life.

Every line seemed to take on a new shape as I began to pray them more as a wife than a mother. 

A prayer that I already found such beauty in and have known for so long seemed to hold an entirely new character - inviting me to consider the ways in which God gives me a chance to love my husband.

Each petition, sung from the heart of a spouse, seemed so piercingly true. It listed exactly what I needed to bring to God in prayer as a wife.

Asking for Him to purify my desires so I could truly seek first the good of the other. Less focus on my own needs to be consoled, understood, and loved. An increase in my desire to console first, seek understanding, and act in love. Because in marriage, as in all things, it is in giving that we receive.

I became convicted through that experience that I need to revisit this prayer often. Each line offers examples of the kinds of graces I might posture my heart to receive from the Lord to then bless my spouse with. 

We can easily focus on ourselves in relationships, but becoming too preoccupied on how things impact us does have a price. It can keep us from loving generously if we're not careful. It can make us much less capable of choosing to pardon injury or offer joy in the face of sadness. It makes us less willing to try and understand when we feel misunderstood. 

The Prayer of St. Francis may or may not be your favorite, but its self-reflective words can offer meaningful contemplation on Christ-like love lived out. 

And while St. Francis himself is not the author of this lovely meditation (listen to this great podcast from Trent Horn if you're interested in how the prayer came to bear his name), I feel confident he would encourage us to live in this way. Francis, the champion preacher of humility who was a living model of what it means to put others before self, would no doubt remind us to identify our poverty before God and beg Him for the grace we need to do what is asked of us - to make Him present through the manner in which we live our lives.

Pray with me? That God may grant us the grace to become the kind of person this prayer describes. To be an instrument of peace within our marriages. For our sake and for the sake of the one whom we love.

Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace;

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;

Where there is injury, pardon;

Where there is doubt, faith;

Where there is despair, hope;

Where there is darkness, light;

And where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,

Grant that I may not so much seek

To be consoled as to console;

To be understood, as to understand;

To be loved, as to love;

For it is in giving that we receive,

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

And it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Amen.

About the Author: Corinne studied Theology and Catechetics at Franciscan University where she met her husband, Sam. They were married in 2016 and now live in Pennsylvania with their two children, Michael and Vera, and where she continues to work in the ministry field. She especially enjoys reading stories with her 3 year old, running, and crossing things off her to-do list. She desires to live a life marked by joy, and is grateful to have a family who makes that effort much easier by helping her take herself less seriously.

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Restoration of the Broken

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CORINNE GANNOTTI

 

At our wedding reception, my husband and I had a large antique image of the Sacred Heart on display. 

It had been hand painted by a religious sister ages ago, and even with its weather-worn white frame and missing chips of paint, it was glorious. One of my very favorite things. 

PHOTOGRAPHY: ABBEY REZ PHOTOGRAPHY

PHOTOGRAPHY: ABBEY REZ PHOTOGRAPHY

Having it at our reception made it all the more meaningful, because now I could keep the memory of glancing over and seeing it on its little side table as we danced throughout the night tucked in my mind forever. 

I always hoped it would be a piece of art that we'd have in our future home in a special place. I imagined it hung up on a prominent wall for years to come, a treasured heirloom, an image that could easily bring me back to the real meaning of things (love, and above all the love of God poured out for us through Christ). 

I imagined all this with such excited hope, but I never anticipated this simple painted piece had something to teach me about healing and restoration.

Since that night at our wedding reception, the painting has in fact held a place of importance in our home. It hung first on the wall of our two-bedroom apartment, just above the space where we liked to keep our prayer books and rosaries, next to the coziest chair we owned. Beautiful as it had always been. That is, until one evening, when for no other discernible reason except for the fact that the hook on which it was strung could no longer bear its weight, it fell. 

As it hit onto our carpeted floor, which didn't do much to cushion the blow, massive shards of glass splayed out everywhere. It was shocking. The sudden crash, the devastating realization of what had just happened. I think I may have instantly started crying. My husband, in his usual calm and easy-going way, looked onto the scene and promised that he was sure things could be fixed. I wasn't so convinced. 

With hot, tear stained cheeks I collected the broken pieces, certain that it was ruined. One of my favorite things about the piece, what made it so unique, was also what made it so obviously and utterly destroyed. The painting itself was layered with parts both on top of the glass and on the paper behind it, with the heart of Jesus painted right on the broken pieces I now held in both hands.

Over the course of the next week, my husband researched how he could best mend and repair it. He found special glue and gradually refastened each piece back into place, somehow managing to make them all fit again and seal together. It took serious time and care. Sometimes he would just stand there completely still for what seemed like ages, holding one piece in just the right place as the glue dried. 

All the while, I sat in despair - feeling like even his best attempts could never really make it anything comparable to what it once was. There was no way the giant fractures in the glass wouldn't be glaringly obvious, even if he did manage to get it back into a single piece that would fit again into its historic frame.

If I'm being honest, I've had feelings like that about moments in my marriage that have nothing to do with a prized piece of vintage art.

There have been disagreements, arguments, and moments of serious selfishness and pride. Times when my tendency towards self-protection has motivated me above my desire for self-gift, and I have hurt my husband or he has hurt me by making those same kinds of choices. 

In the heat of the moment, or the hurt that can come after, it can be easy to believe things are broken beyond repair. Disillusionment can make you believe that the kind of love marriage asks of us is more than we are capable of and we cannot bear the weight. There is a little truth there, but not its fullness. Because the immense concern of God is present to us in these places of our own weakness, and in them He can be our strength.

When situations that cause brokenness and rupture in our relationship occur, we are invited into a process of restoration that ultimately has the capacity to create something much greater than what existed before. 

That restoration takes intentionality and patience. It involves real communication about areas of hurt - actual conversations in which responsibility is taken and forgiveness can be offered. It requires humility, which can be so difficult to choose, especially if we know we have wronged the one we love or if we feel hurt by them. But this is exactly where we can ask for the grace of God to strengthen us. 

It is the working of His Holy Spirit in us that empowers us to choose humility when we do in fact manage to choose it. It is He who convicts us to apologize and work to mend and learn altogether better ways to love each other. 

The longer I'm married, the more I'm coming to believe that the grace of this sacrament is most actively at work healing the places in my heart where woundedness still rules me - the rough and shattered ones - so that I can more freely love my spouse and receive his love in return.

In the end, my husband managed to completely reassemble the broken painting. It hangs once again, now on a wall just beside the fireplace in our current home. And it is glorious. I love it even more than I did before. 

And that's not despite the glue fastened edges that are still a little obvious as you look upon it - but it's because of those broken pieces, fixed with such attention and care. 

More than just a beautiful religious icon to keep in our home for years to come as I always hoped it would be, it has become a symbol of love. A symbol of the fact that broken things can always be restored. 

And through restoration comes a glory greater than what was possible before. That's kind of the entire point of marriage, in a way. That's kind of the entire reason Divine Love was willing to be poured out through that fully human heart of Christ too.

About the Author: Corinne studied Theology and Catechetics at Franciscan University where she met her husband, Sam. They were married in 2016 and now live in Pennsylvania with their two children, Michael and Vera, and where she continues to work in the ministry field. She especially enjoys reading stories with her 3 year old, running, and crossing things off her to-do list. She desires to live a life marked by joy, and is grateful to have a family who makes that effort much easier by helping her take herself less seriously.

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Navigating Prayer in a Catholic Dating Relationship

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HANNAH HOLLCRAFT

 

We rightly want to entrust all of our relationships to the Lord, our dating relationships included but figuring out what that looks like with your significant other can be difficult.

One key element to praying together while dating is to keep things simple. As a dating relationship naturally progresses, entrusting your relationship to the Lord together should also follow that progression. Just as we are prudent with our physical bodies and emotional needs, we should also be virtuous with the intimate parts of our spirituality.

With this in mind we should be conscious of how we are weaving our prayer lives together with someone we are dating. Our focus should be our own relationship with Jesus and the way he is speaking to our hearts about the relationship and our own faith journey. When we spend too much time intimately in prayer with someone we are dating, it can be confusing and make it more difficult to make decisions about the relationship from a place of clarity.

Dating is one big lesson in discernment and as such it is a time to really focus on the Lord’s voice in your own personal prayer life. 

The more you are spending time with Him the more you will know and recognize the way he is inviting you to move forward in your relationship or the possibility that he is inviting you away from the relationship because he has greater plans for your life.

When you first begin going on dates with someone, before you’ve stepped into a relationship with them, I would suggest just lifting up your date and that person to the Lord simply from your own heart.

Once you enter an exclusive dating relationship, an easy way to introduce prayer is to choose a memorized prayer you both like and pray that together at the beginning or end of spending time together. Maybe a Memorarae, a Hail Mary or Our Father, or any other prayer you both know and love. This is a good way to take time to entrust your relationship to God, thank him for the joy you find in spending time together, and surrender your desires to his will.

As your relationship gets more serious and you are discerning engagement your prayer together can grow accordingly. One thing my now-husband and I integrated into our dating life at this stage was a daily mass and breakfast date once a week. Sometimes we would talk about the readings or the feast day/memorial over breakfast, but mostly it was just a simple way to come to Jesus together in prayer and offer him our discernment. We also occasionally attended confession or Sunday Mass together.

Related: The Dating Advice I Would Give My Younger Self

This helped us both to picture what living our Catholic faith together might look like in marriage but kept our own personal relationships with the Lord at the forefront. A simple prayer routine that follows the natural progression of the relationship at this stage should do exactly that. It should help you to imagine what living your Catholic faith alongside one another might look like in marriage, remind you that you are each seeking the will of God rather than your own desires, and keep your individual relationships with the Lord the primary place of prayer.

Praying with someone you are dating will appear different from couple to couple. But whatever that might look like, when we allow our prayer to progress prudently it prepares us to move forward in whatever way God is calling us towards vocation, be that engagement and marriage, a different relationship, or towards religious life. While there is a lot that can be said on this topic, I hope that each of you can find peace in this area of dating that doesn't need to be over-complicated.

About the Author: Hannah lives in Northern California with her husband Joshua and their daughter. She studied Theology and Business in school and has worked in ministry since graduating. Hannah’s Catholic faith is rooted in a deep love for the Eucharist and Our Blessed Mother. She is passionate about beauty, adventure, and living abundantly. Hannah loves warm weather, gardening, a good dance party and hiking in the mountains or visiting the ocean with her husband.

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Living Courageously in Your Marriage

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CORINNE GANNOTTI

 

"'Have courage' we often say to one another. Courage is a spiritual virtue. The word courage comes from the Latin word cor, which means "heart." A courageous act is an act coming from the heart." - Henri Nouwen

PHOTOGRAPHY: AN ENDLESS PURSUIT

PHOTOGRAPHY: AN ENDLESS PURSUIT

Those few sentences, nestled quietly within a reflection I recently found, felt monumental to read. They have entirely upended what I thought I knew about being courageous. They made it obvious to me with such clarity and swiftness that courage has a lot more to do with authenticity and perhaps much less to do with interior resolve than I had previously taken it to. This new consideration of the nature of courage has been both freeing and challenging, especially in what it means for marriage.

Marriage demands a lot of courage.

I would have told you that long before Henri Nouwen's words unveiled what that meant in such a radically new way for me. Before, I mostly understood courage to look a lot like strength. An image of myself ready to brace up against whatever was to come against me, with the resolve to hold my shield at attention for as long as it took to weather it. That was courage.

But here, Henri seemed to be describing exactly the opposite. An image of myself in a posture of much greater risk. Hands open, vulnerable, heart exposed and leading the way. Nothing to hide and no focus on self-protection. That's a much different way of imagining what this spiritual and moral virtue looks like lived out. But I think it's a more honest one. 

Marriage does demand courage, but it's because any good marriage demands really living from the heart.

It is important to be understand our 'heart' in this context as more than just the place of our emotions. Henri speaks of it as the center of who we are at the core of our being. "The center of all thoughts, feelings, passions, and decisions."

For a marriage to be rich in this virtue, what really matters is honesty. There is no place for a lack of authenticity in what is meant to be the most intimate of our relationships. 

If I dare to hope for my marriage to be truly courageous in the way that Henri describes, I need to be willing to bring my whole self to my spouse. I must dare to be fully seen for who I am. 

Practically, I must bring honesty and openness to our conversations. I must work to share my thoughts, feelings, and passions, and work to make decisions together in light of them all. I can't try to self-protect and shield myself to avoid the risk of being misunderstood or feeling rejected by my spouse.

That false image of strength can never serve me here. And it couldn't be further from the kind of humility and trust required in these moments. 

It can be easy to communicate well when our thoughts, feelings, and passions feel aligned with our spouses'. But courage asks for such honesty at all times, even when it's most difficult.

And doing just that is how we gain the very virtue we are longing for. In the language of faith, different kinds of virtues are described and understood in different ways. Moral Virtues, of which courage (sometimes called fortitude) is one, differ from Theological Virtues chiefly in the manner through which they can grow within us. The Moral Virtues are “acquired by education, by deliberate acts and by a perseverance ever-renewed in repeated efforts" and of course, aided by God's grace.”

This means that it is in those sacred and vulnerable places, during all those repeated efforts we make together to live from the heart, that we will grow and the fruit of this virtue will become clear. We will have a greater ability to "conquer fear, even fear of death, and to face trials and persecutions." Our acts of authentic courage within marriage can gift us greater confidence in the face of all things. This is certainly what God wants for us.

I used to think that courage looked a lot like being willing to fight - to defend and protect and shield. And I suppose there is some truth in that. But in marriage that work becomes shared, and so it changes shape entirely. The only way to defend and protect the relationship is through honesty and vulnerability with each other.

And so the challenge becomes - will I act from the heart? Will I dare to live my marriage courageously?

About the Author: Corinne studied Theology and Catechetics at Franciscan University where she met her husband, Sam. They were married in 2016 and now live in Pennsylvania with their two children, Michael and Vera, and where she continues to work in the ministry field. She especially enjoys reading stories with her 3 year old, running, and crossing things off her to-do list. She desires to live a life marked by joy, and is grateful to have a family who makes that effort much easier by helping her take herself less seriously.

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Confronting Mental Temptations in Your Relationship

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DOMINIKA RAMOS

 

I recently heard a talk by Sr. Anna Marie McGuan, RSM, on her podcast Scripture and the Spiritual Life entitled "Cultivating the Interior Life" in which she made a crucial distinction between your self and your thoughts.

PHOTOGRAPHY: DESIGNS BY JESSINA

PHOTOGRAPHY: DESIGNS BY JESSINA

Perhaps it's surprising to hear that your interior life is not synonymous with your thoughts or imagination. In fact, your thoughts don't always originate from yourself, and Sr. Anna Marie refers to a particular type of thought, the logismoi, as being sent by Satan himself.

In marriage diabolic thoughts, or logismos, might look like: "Why is her life easier? Must be nice that her husband makes enough money to let her stay home (or go on fancy vacations or afford private school)" Or "We'll never be on the same page about faith or parenting. Why didn't I see this before we were married? Our kids are headed for disaster as grownups!" Or "What would my life look like if I hadn't gotten married? I could have followed that dream and I might have had a more fulfilling life." Or "Why do I always get emotional when we fight? I'm so sensitive and dumb." And so on.

They can be disturbing like adulterous images or they can seem entirely reasonable which, Sr. Anna Marie notes, are the most dangerous thoughts of all.

Wherever we have a weakness, the devil can take it and use it to lead us away from the truth.

And these thoughts, rooted in envy, despair, anger, and so forth, are not ones most of us would readily admit to entertaining, especially when people around you--friends or social media personalities--never reveal that they've had negative thoughts about their marriages. Consequently, if the primary image you form about everyone else's marriages is that they are never tempted to doubt or imagine their lives differently, you might be filled with self-loathing when you do experience those thoughts.

But the fact is, if you've ever experienced detracting thoughts about your marriage, you are not evil. You are human. Everyone has them. If not about marriage, then certainly in some other sphere of their life.

As Sr. Anna Marie points out, these thoughts do not say something objective about who you are or the state of your interior life. They are temptations. And when the logismoi pops into your mind, you haven't actually sinned. You are only accountable to the extent that you accept it and subsequently indulge in it.

How then, do we battle these intrusive thoughts?

Sr. Anna Marie describes the interior life as the heart, not the organ, but the deep heart, the inner man, the place of encounter with God, and the only way to cultivate the life therein and to build defenses against mental temptations is through self-awareness and prayer.

Self-awareness entails identifying which thoughts are diabolic triggers. We have to spend time reflecting about our thought patterns and what mental paths they threaten to lead us down. A nightly examen prayer is a good way to start taking notice of the life of our minds.

And prayer itself is a defense against the logismoi because it's a channel of God's grace in us. In prayer, we are given the peace of God's own triune life that is so distant from the panic of the logismos.

One highly practical form of prayer that Sr. Anna Marie suggests is the Jesus prayer: "Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God, have mercy on me, a sinner." This advice has transformed my own prayer life. Any time I'm tempted by a logismoi, I slow my breathing and say the Jesus prayer. It functions on multiple levels: the name of Christ is power against evil, and I'm reminded of who I am--someone in need of healing. It's both defense and solace.

Exposing the logismos for what they are and turning to God's mercy in prayer, rather than being distracted by the chaos and shame Satan wants to ensnare me in, wipes clean my interior vision. And this simplifying of attention makes me freer to see the mission of my marriage more clearly and love my spouse more purely.

About the Author: Dominika Ramos is a stay-at-home mom to three and lives in Houston, Texas. She runs a creative small business, Pax Paper.

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Praying with Mary, Wife of Joseph

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ERIN BUCHMANN

 

In sacred art, popular devotion, and even the liturgical calendar, the Church often honors the Blessed Virgin Mary in her role as Jesus’ mother. 

PHOTOGRAPHY: KASSONDRA PHOTOGRAPHY

PHOTOGRAPHY: KASSONDRA PHOTOGRAPHY

This makes sense: after all, each of our lives draws meaning from Jesus and is meant to be centered upon Him, and Mary’s life was centered upon Jesus in a very concrete way through their mother-child relationship. 

But while she is in fact Jesus’ mom and the spouse of the Holy Spirit (and not to diminish those realities!), during her earthly life she was also the wife of a human spouse, St. Joseph.

As brides, we can relate to Mary in this shared role. She has so much to teach us about human love and spousal life!

As the Joyful, Luminous, Sorrowful and Glorious Mysteries of the Rosary help the faithful to meditate upon Mary’s relationship with Jesus, consider praying over the keystone events in Mary’s relationship with St. Joseph in a similar way, especially in this year dedicated to St. Joseph.

Here is a rosary-style reflection on five events Mary and Joseph experienced together in their marriage: their wedding, the flight into Egypt, their search for Jesus in Jerusalem, daily life in Nazareth, and Joseph’s death.

The First Spousal Mystery: Mary and Joseph are Wed

“Joseph … was a righteous man”

I imagine Mary must have been excited about her upcoming wedding. Joseph, being a righteous man, would likewise have been approaching their wedding day with complete purity of heart and mind. Surely neither one ever expected the path their love story would take (who could anticipate receiving multiple angelic visits and parenting the son of God, after all?), but by rooting their hearts in a perfect love of God and of each other, Mary and Joseph would have been able to receive each blessing from God and from each other as a gift unshrouded by sin, selfishness, or expectations.

Mary, help me to love my husband with perfect purity.

The Second Spousal Mystery: The Flight into Egypt

“Joseph rose and took the child and his mother by night and departed for Egypt.”

Assuming Jesus was a typical, squirmy, squirrely little kid, Mary probably had her hands full with him, especially as they fled to Egypt to avoid the wrath of King Herod. Not to mention that they were traveling at night and probably trying to travel quietly! She must have relied on Joseph to guard their little family from all sorts of dangers and potential pitfalls during this journey. She could not do everything on her own, but neither was she called to. Just as God had given her to be a helpmate to Joseph, God had given Joseph as a helpmate to her.

Mary, help me to trust in my husband’s ability to provide for our family.

The Third Spousal Mystery: Searching for Jesus in Jerusalem

“Your father and I have been looking for you with great anxiety.”

The three days during which Mary and Joseph were searching for Jesus must have been among the most stressful times of their shared life. Mary surely trusted in God’s providence throughout, but as she herself says, she was more than a little nervous! There must have been a great temptation for both Mary and Joseph to cast blame on the other, to grow sharp with each other, and to withdraw from each other rather than draw closer together in light of the stressful situation they were facing. Yet, after three days of searching, Mary and Joseph arrived at the temple side by side and there found Jesus.

Mary, help me to always remember that my husband and I are on the same team.

The Fourth Spousal Mystery: Daily Life in Nazareth

“Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your home”

We know little about the day-to-day life of the Holy Family in Nazareth. Like any family, the Holy Family probably also experienced their share of hardships: misunderstandings, tight finances, challenging circumstances, deaths and divisions in their extended family. Mary likely knew well the exhaustion that accompanies long nights sitting up with a sick child and the tedium of household chores. There may have even been times when Mary longed for a break from her household and her family, even though she loved them dearly. Mary and Joseph were both human, after all!

Mary, help me to see the gifts and the graces hidden within my ordinary, daily life.

The Fifth Spousal Mystery: The Death of Joseph

“Perfect love drives out fear”

Mary was probably only in her thirties or early forties when Joseph passed away, leaving her a widow. Despite the relative brevity of their relationship their marriage was clearly a successful one, as both Mary and Joseph are not only saints, but Queen of Heaven and Patron of the Universal Church, respectively! I imagine their final moments together at Joseph’s deathbed were infused with sorrow at their impending separation, but also filled with hope, joy and a deep peace. Each was entrusting both themselves and their beloved spouse to God in a new way.

Mary, help me to love my husband with the peace that comes from God.

Spend some time meditating with these moments in the life of the Holy Family, and learn from the example set by Mary and St. Joseph’s marriage to help you grow in holiness through your own vocation. 

About the Author: Erin Buchmann hails from the lake country of central Minnesota. She enjoys writing things, cooking things, growing things, and spending time with her family. She and her husband are the parents of two little miracles.

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Moving Towards Oneness

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ADELAE ZAMBON

 

The journey of engagement is truly the final stretch of preparation for being made one with another. 

When so much of our early life is spent individuating and gaining autonomy by virtue of normal human development, there is a beautiful, generous, sacrificial shift that occurs as a matured adult chooses to unite herself with another. How do we understand the magnitude of this? 

I know that in my own season of engagement, I spent a great deal of time pondering this mystery: this impending transition to a state of “oneness” with another sacramentally and practically.

I recall wondering about how such a “one-fleshness” comes about in marriage. It is something so distinctly supernatural,yet, there is such a true convergence of two lives that occurs in an earthly manner as well. 

You merge households and bank accounts; you share a bed, debts, children, and responsibilities. You also unite your pathway to the Heavenly Banquet too at the feast of your own wedding. At the same time, I couldn’t ignore, the quite obvious facets of our separate natures that made this concept hard to gather: he was male and I was very much not; he was Canadian, whereas I was American; he was phlegmatic, while I took choleric to a new level; and the list could go on. In the physical sense, we were quite separate beings.

The visceral aspect of “being one” in the marital act was self-evident to me. Still, full comprehension of the spiritual significance was elusive. That is, until I read the words of St. John the Baptist in a marital lens:

He must increase; I must decrease. 

These words both stuck and challenged me. They illuminated a beautiful truth, not only about the reality of “being made one” in marriage, but a reality that parallels the communion we are called to with the Lord.

In this passage, St. John refers to Christ when he says, “He.” Since Christ is Love Himself, we could replace “He” with “love” here; Love must increase; I must decrease. 

There is a certain truth to letting love consume us so much that our ego, our “I,” diminishes to make way for the work of the Lord. In St. John’s case, he chose to humble himself to the great plan of rescue and restoration that Christ had come to fulfill. Jesus wants to do that in our marriages today. He wants to increase as we decrease. 

Marriage invites us to humble ourselves so that the spirit of division, of separateness, can melt away. Herein lies the greater plan for the union of spouses: that the oneness of a couple, fortified by the grace of the Sacrament, may be made one with God in all things. Not only are they unified with each other, they fulfill the design for marriage bringing about their union with God.

As I’ve continued to journey more and more deeply into this understanding in my own marriage, I have found prayer to be essential. It helps us conform to the godly design for our union in the living marital sacrament.

To encourage us on this path, I want to leave you with three prayers that are transforming my heart (in real time) in the hopes that they might bless you as they have me:

About the Author: Adelae Zambon is a “transplant Texan,” who met and married a Canadian singer-songwriter. Together they share a love for ministry and journeying with other couples into the healing, redemptive power of the Sacrament of Marriage. In her spare time, Adelae enjoys road trips punctuated by local coffee shop stops along the way. However, she will most often be found chasing a delightfully inquisitive toddler or savoring every moment of naptime for the space it offers her to write.

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Tips for Merging Your Prayer Lives as Newlyweds

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EMILY DE ST AUBIN

 

Most engaged couples hear from their premarital counselors that it is vital for them to remain faithful to praying as individuals and as a couple. While dating and engaged my husband and I learned that we were both faithful to prayer and committed to its priority in our lives. 

But, our first year of marriage revealed that there were way more practical things to consider than just our love of God and desire to grow spiritually together.

For example, I’m a morning person. I prefer praying early- well before the daily grind begins. I like to wake up slowly and make coffee and snuggle with the Rosary and the Liturgy of the Hours. 

My husband, on the other hand, is a night person. He is often up late with the lamp on after the house and the streets outside have gone dark. He’ll pour over whatever scripture has his attention, allowing the Living Water to wash off his day; and he prefers the Chaplet of Divine Mercy to the Rosary.

Seeing each other’s prayer routine’s up close made us each feel ashamed in different ways. I felt guilty that after my morning routine, I usually felt like my spiritual work was done. By the end of the day, I’m exhausted and just want to turn my mind off- not turn my mind to spiritual things.

He was and is often put down by a lot of “manly” prayer exercises that require waking up before the sun when he simply isn’t conscious that early. I would see his inability to wake up with me as a lack of commitment. He would see my reluctance to stay up late in prayer with him the same way. We both often felt let down when the other wouldn't join in our prayer routines. 

While our commitment to God and prayer was deep, radical, and real- it manifested itself very differently in our different personality types and spiritual journeys.

Marrying someone who has been walking with God for their entire life is a tremendous gift, and it comes with the burden of joining together two well-established and deeply rooted prayer lives.

No matter if you are single, engaged, or married, this is an important conversation to have with the people that you share life with and want to grow closer to God through prayer with. You will need to support, encourage, and make space for each other to worship God in the ways that He is calling you to as individuals. You will also need to find new ways to pray that you can do together.

Here are some questions to help you start the conversation:

  • How would you describe your daily prayer routine?

  • Tell me about some hard times in your life. What types of prayer did you turn to? What brought you comfort?

  • When you have had a big decision to make, how have you prayed through it? -What spiritual devotions do you find most edifying?

  • What do you do when you can’t feel God?

  • What times of day do you find it easiest to pray?

  • What prayer do you want to invite me into? What would you rather do alone?

  • When you seem like you’re in crisis, what is the best way for me to encourage you to turn to God?

Make a plan, try it out, expect it to change. Each season of your life has taken on a new rhythm and tone. Take time to notice the things that have stayed the same, and aspects that have grown into something altogether different. Allow and expect God to guide you and your partner through the changes together- into something completely new.

A word of note: This is not a place to leave any doubt of love and acceptance. Allow your partner to teach you, and pray they allow you to teach them. Ask the Holy Spirit to guide and bless the conversation. 

Whatever your partner tells you brings them closer to God, see it from their perspective- even if it’s something that you’ve experienced very differently. Expect to come out of it with a new perspective.

About the Author: Emily is a '15 graduate of Franciscan University of Steubenville with a bachelor's of science in marketing. Since college, her experience in ministry has included teaching the Catholic faith through wilderness experiences in the Colorado Rocky Mountains with Camp Wojtyla, Core Team with her local LifeTeen, and participating in Young Adult groups throughout her many moves. Emily has been married to her husband Eddie for five years and they have three children together.

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Entrusting Your Marriage to Our Blessed Mother

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HANNAH HOLLCRAFT

 

It is no secret that Our Blessed Mother Mary is an important figure in the Catholic Church.

She is a powerful intercessor, a source of guidance, and our greatest example of sainthood. Countless saints proclaim the goodness of devotion to her, the devil flees from her, and she considers us her dearly beloved children.

You can honor Our Blessed Mother on your wedding day in countless ways, including consecrating your marriage to her.

Marian consecration is an ancient tradition of entrusting oneself completely to Jesus through the maternal care of Mary. We give ourselves fully to Mary so she can help to form us in the image of Christ her Son. Belonging fully to her we can belong more fully to the Lord.

When we consecrate our marriages to Our Blessed Mother we are handing over to her our vocations, our spouses, and ourselves entirely. We are surrendering our bodies, minds, possessions, works and all we are to her protection, guidance, and intercession. 

What better way to safeguard your marriage than to totally entrust it to the care of the Mother of God who loves you and wants your marriage to be happy, holy, and healthy in every way?

In our single lives both my husband, Joshua, and I made our own Marian consecrations. They had lasting impacts on each of us. Through her we experienced healing, joy, and deeper conversion. She was a guiding star for us and we both feel it was her love and attention that ultimately led us to one another.

We knew shortly after getting engaged that we wanted to entrust our marriage entirely to Our Lady on our wedding day. We wanted to honor her as our Mother for all the ways she cared for us and to offer ourselves anew as we entered our vocation; we chose a Marian feast day to get married on and set aside the thirty-three days before our wedding for prayer with Our Blessed Mother.

I found this intentional time walking with Our Lady before marriage to be particularly intimate and eye opening. Just like so many women around me were helping me to prepare the details of my wedding like flowers, decorations, and dresses,  Mary was there too. She was helping to prepare my heart, reminding me what it truly means to be beautiful, to be a bride, to be a daughter of God. 

As the days got closer and last minute adjustments had to be made she was there reminding me that the day of my wedding was not about everything being perfect. Rather, it was about the love Joshua and I have for each other and celebrating that with jubilant thanksgiving regardless of who couldn't make it or the craziness of being a ‘Covid-bride.’

Walking with Mary was a great way of preparing in the final days of engagement. 

We took time on our own to read and pray each day. We would share any reflections we might have had and pray the “Ave Maria Stella” as a couple each evening. 

During our wedding Mass we brought flowers to an image of Our Lady of Guadelupe and knelt to pray our Act of Consecration together. We altered St. Louis Marie de Montfort's consecration prayer slightly using ‘we’ and ‘us’ rather than ‘I.’ Because this version of the consecration prayer is long we did the first half on our own the morning of our wedding and the second half together during the Mass itself.

There are lots of styles of Marian consecrations to choose from. We chose the one written in the 1600s by St. Louis de Montfort but there is a simpler version that is very popular called 33 Days to Morning Glory by Fr. Michael Gaitly, a nine day version by St. Maximilian Kolbe, or one which journeys with St. John Paul II. 

Each of these will provide you with readings for reflection and certain prayers to pray each day to help you to prepare yourself to make this great entrustment to Our Blessed Mother. Whatever you choose I would suggest purchasing a physical book or printing out the materials so you can have them on hand throughout the thirty-three days.

Marian consecration is not something you can only do on your wedding day! Any married couple or individual can choose to make a Marian consecration. Our Lady’s arms are always open to welcome us into deeper devotion so she can in turn lead us closer to her Son. If you are interested in learning more about Marian consecration check out the book True Devotion to Mary by St. Louis Marie de Montfort.

I am confident that if you choose to consecrate your marriage to the Mother of God you will be abundantly blessed in ways you never expected. 

May her maternal love guide you to heaven and make you more like her Son. 

Gratefully, Totus Tuus Maria.

About the Author: Hannah lives in Northern California with her husband Joshua and their daughter. She studied Theology and Business in school and has worked in ministry since graduating. Hannah’s Catholic faith is rooted in a deep love for the Eucharist and Our Blessed Mother. She is passionate about beauty, adventure, and living abundantly. Hannah loves warm weather, gardening, a good dance party and hiking in the mountains or visiting the ocean with her husband.

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