The Sophia Series | Christie
/CHRISTIE L.
We invite our longtime married readers to share the experiences that have marked, refined, and anointed their marriages; months and years that, by grace, transform the mundane, the bitter, and the incomprehensible into the fruits of holy wisdom. A purification and a clear vision for the path to heaven that lies ahead. The Sophia Series.
I met my husband the month I turned 18 through Catholic Campus Ministries. We were best friends for several months before ultimately becoming boyfriend and girlfriend. I had only had one (non-serious) boyfriend before him; after two years of dating, talk turned to marriage and I became fearful.
Young adults are often told to explore our options, to always keep an eye out for the “next best thing,” to “find yourself first.” I shared my fears, asked to take a break, and Eric was kind enough to understand my heart and give me his friendship even if I did not want to date. I left town for an internship in Connecticut and he stayed in North Carolina.
While away, I made a lot of mistakes pursuing what I thought was happiness. I left my faith, I partied often, and I attempted to push away those who loved me--including Eric. Still, he called me at least once a week to check on me. To let me know he loved me as a friend, would always be there for me, and hoped I was finding what I was looking for.
Three months later, I came back a different person. I didn’t know how to get myself out of the toxic place I put myself in. Eric and friends would invite me to church and I would be angry and cruel in response. He didn’t give up. He would wake me up on Sunday and drive me to Mass. He held me when I cried, prayed for me without ceasing, and stayed up late to talk to me about God and faith.
Throughout it all, he fought for me and loved me in the way God calls us. He made it his mission to get me to Heaven even though we weren’t dating any more.
As I fell back in love with God, I grew to love myself again too. In turn, I allowed myself to be happy. I let myself be loved and cared for again. So several months later, when Eric surprised me by playing our song on the guitar and asking me to be his girlfriend again, I said yes. I kept saying yes throughout our relationship until we were engaged and married in 2013. I was 22 and he was 23. Our love story was beautifully, blissfully boring for several years.
Things changed when we had children. We had two children under the age of two;while we loved them unconditionally, we suddenly felt distant from one another. We were trying to survive the day until the kids went to bed, and then we wanted time to ourselves. No longer were we making time for each other. At the rate we were going, we didn’t have the energy or the mental space to foster our relationship.
My heart was hurting. Resentment, anger and sadness welled up inside of me. How could this happen? I’d like to say I communicated all of this effectively and we happily moved on right away. That isn’t the case. I let those feelings fester until they overflowed in an argument. Suddenly those thoughts and feelings seemed like an attack instead of a plea or a desire for help. I feared I would do what I had done before and run away.
I’ve said yes to my marriage every day, though there are times when it is more challenging. Vows are lifelong commitments, not something you simply say on your wedding day. On our wedding day, our priest told us that our relationship is a three twined rope that includes me, my husband, and God. I was fraying apart from the rope; in times of disconnect, it is important to bind those pieces together again.
We started with a calm, peaceful conversation without any distractions. Tears were shed, misunderstandings came to light, and we vowed to connect with each other and with God again. My husband and I are not perfect--we are still trying to find the balance as new parents--but we have grown and healed so much.
I once heard someone refer to marriage as a garden, and it is important to tend to that garden. We have made the time to tend to it each day through prayer, quality time, physical touch, and open communication.
If you are feeling overwhelmed by a new stage of life, understand it is normal. A lot of couples feel stressed and disconnected during seasons of transition--especially with young children--because, you have to figure out what your “new normal” looks like. Take time to discuss those feelings with your spouse and address them head on. Address all three aspects of your marriage: your relationship with your spouse, your relationship with yourself, and your relationship as a couple with God.
In three sentences, share three pieces of advice for newer brides:
1. Tend to your "garden" daily. Check in with your spouse on their feelings, ask them to pray together before bed, or simply hold their hand.
2. Table topics for other times when things aren't being resolved, conversations aren't going the way you'd like, or kids are around. MAKE SURE YOU CIRCLE BACK TO THAT TOPIC LATER! Write it on a calendar if you need to, but always check in to see if it is still something that needs to be discussed.
3. Discuss your love languages early on and revisit them in conversations together! "I really felt loved when you gave me words of affirmation/did that act of service/held me,etc."
About the Author: Christie is a therapist turned stay at home mom living with her family in Ohio. She writes on her blog HerDailyFiat.com about faith, motherhood, and wellness. Christie is also a monthly contributor for CatholicMom.com