Coping with Homesickness while Adjusting to a New Life
/MAGGIE STRICKLAND
“A man leaves his father and his mother and clings to his wife, and the two of them become one body.” We hear this over and over through the rite of matrimony, not only because it is important, but because it can be hard. Although this is a charge directed at husbands, wives, in becoming one with their husbands, also must leave behind aspects of their families of origin.
I came from a close-knit family with lots of traditions, and when my husband got a job several states away from my hometown in our second year of marriage, I was devastated. I had always planned to raise my children in the same town as my parents so that they would share the same closeness I had with my own grandparents.
PHOTOGRPAHY: KELLI SEELEY PHOTOGRAPHY
Shortly before our move, my grandmother brought me the DVD of Brooklyn, a movie she wanted me to see because it reminded her of her own mother’s immigration story. As I watched the protagonist, Eilis Lacey, build a life in 1950s New York, far away from her family in Ireland, I began to see the promise in our upcoming move, instead of just sadness for my loss.
This quiet, lovely film offered inspiration to commit wholly to my vocation and the family that I was creating with my new husband. Whether your marriage takes you across the world or just across town, this movie has some valuable insights for newlyweds.
Before we dive into these insights, a brief disclaimer is in order. As Steven Greydanus says in his review: “Brooklyn is not a Catholic film per se, but the Church stands in the background, an unobtrusive but essential institution in the local community.” In this way, the Catholic church plays an essential role in Eilis and Tony’s lives, but in a moment of grief, they falter regarding chastity, though the scene is brief and not explicit.
1. Change can make you homesick, but homesickness won’t last forever.
When Eilis first arrives in New York, she is miserable, clinging to her letters from home like a lifeline, but over time she adjusts to life in America. The shift is gradual, but as the months pass, she realizes how happy she’s become in Brooklyn; even her employer notices and asks for Eilis’ secret to pass on to the next homesick immigrant. Although Eilis attributes it to falling in love with Tony (an Italian-American Catholic), it’s also clear that her routines in work, night school, and her parish life were important to her adjustment.
As a newlywed, there are all kinds of changes that can make you yearn for the life you had before: moving to a new place, having to make holiday decisions, making joint plans with your husband instead of just thinking about yourself, and taking on more responsibility than anticipated over pets, among other things. Many of these challenges are transient and will pass; some will require new routines, while others will need the patience and love of your spouse.
2. Build your community around the Church.
The kind, old priest who sponsored her immigration helps Eilis start to integrate into her new community by enrolling her in a bookkeeping course and asking her to spend Christmas day at the church, serving a meal to men who have nowhere else to go. She also attends parish dances with the other girls at her boarding house, where she eventually meets Tony. Though not all of her time is spent at church, everything in Eilis’ life is affected by her connection to the Church.
In a similar way, your local parish can help you form new routines in your newlywed life. If you’ve just moved, getting involved in a young adult group or Bible study can help you and your husband meet other Catholic newlyweds. If you’re continuing to attend a parish, see if you are being called to participate in a new ministry, either individually or as a couple.
3. Eventually, you will adjust to your new life.
While it initially seems impossible, Eilis finally comes to a place of peace about her new life and how being in America has changed her. Near the end of the movie, she offers advice to another new immigrant, and she tells her, “You'll feel so homesick that you'll want to die, and there's nothing you can do about it apart from endure it. But you will, and it won't kill you. And one day the sun will come out--you might not even notice straight away, it'll be that faint. And then you'll catch yourself thinking about something or someone who has no connection with the past. Someone who's only yours. And you'll realize... that this is where your life is.”
Eilis’ months of suffering have transformed her, and her visit home has served as confirmation that her life in Brooklyn is the one to which she has been called.
If you’re interested in a more detailed review of the film before you watch it, I highly suggest Steven Greydanus’ take.
About the Author: Maggie Strickland has loved reading and writing stories since her earliest memory. An English teacher by training and an avid reader by avocation, she now spends her days homemaking, chasing her toddler son, and reading during naptime. She and her husband are originally from the Carolinas, but now make their home in Birmingham, Alabama.