How To Do Your Own Bridal Makeup | Video Tutorial

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A major part of our mission at Spoken Bride is communicating God's goodness through the medium of beauty. Beauty is an invitation; an outer glimpse into the interior truth of every person. It reflects the deepest desire of our hearts to be known and seen: Behold, you are beautiful, my beloved...let me see your face, let me hear your voice. 

On your wedding day, of course, this longing to be seen is tangibly present as you, the bride, prepare yourself as a gift to your bridegroom. Self-gift is beautiful; radiant in a woman who knows her dignity, worth, and genius. The desire to take extra care with your appearance as you enter into your vocation is natural and good, an integration of the outer and the inner.

This spring, we were thrilled to collaborate with a team of gifted men and women out to pursue and share the Father's glory through beauty. Professional makeup artist Nicole Caruso believes and understands every person is beautiful, made in the Father's image, and jumped at the chance to create a bridal makeup tutorial you can follow and recreate for your big day, with pro-level results.

Click above to view video tutorial

From Nicole: On your wedding day, makeup, hair, and a beautiful dress accentuate your features with special touches. Makeup is a tool to highlight your natural beauty. Following this tutorial step-by-step will help you achieve a flawless, bright complexion, sparkling eyes, and a feminine blushing-bride glow that is the perfect accompaniment to any dress and hairstyle.

If you’re wondering what separates your everyday beauty routine from bridal makeup, just think of taking 3 additional steps than usual like adding extra mascara, a touch of blush, or a rosy lip— something that feels a little more glamorous than usual, but isn’t completely different to what you’re used to. Your wedding day is not the day to change your look completely, in my opinion. Save hair color changes, fake tanning, or a new skincare product for another time (or, test it months before your big day!). 

Typically, a professional makeup artist will charge anywhere from $100-$300 for bridal makeup. For some, that is a large investment for one day, and for others it is a special treat of self-care on their wedding day. In the event that you want to do your own makeup and need to purchase a few new items, the cost may also be between $100-$300, but you get to keep all of the makeup to take along on your honeymoon, and use throughout the first year of your marriage, since most products last up to 12 months (just check the bottom of the product to find out). 

If you follow these steps in this tutorial, I know you will not only look beautiful, but you will radiate confidence as you walk down the aisle. 

Products Used

Click images to enlarge.

The Team Behind The Scenes

Nicole M. Caruso is a wife, mother, makeup artist, and writer. Formerly the Beauty Editor of Verily Magazine, Nicole now shares her expert style and beauty advice, tips on healthy living, and reflections on marriage and motherhood on her website, where she hopes to inspire women to invest in their self-worth. The New York native now resides in Northern Virginia with her husband and daughter. 

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Meaghan Farley is a natural light, portrait, wedding and lifestyle photographer from the Maryland area. She wants her work to celebrate the uniqueness and beauty of the individual(s) she is capturing. As such, she aims to creates timeless, clean images that are not over edited. She works with the natural environment around her to focus on bringing attention to that which is already beautiful.

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Shelagh Bolger brings 7 years of event production experience in the entertainment, non-profit, and political industries successfully planning hundreds of events ranging in size from intimate dinners for 8 to festivals and conferences with thousands of attendees. Her comprehensive logistical and technical skills are coupled with a keen eye for event design and décor. Having lived in Rome, Italy, Shelagh brings her love of art and architecture into her design vision for each event. Styling credentials include attendance at the award winning En Masse Boutique Flower School and the Wild Hand Workspace Photo Styling and Image Creation Workshop. Shelagh’s styling and party planning tips have been published in Darling Magazine and Verily Magazine.

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Megan McCleneghen is originally from Dallas, TX.  She received her B.A in Religious and Pastoral Studies from Mater Ecclesiae College in Smithfield, RI. Megan worked as a coordinator of religious education and as a high school youth minister in Houston, Texas. In 2014 she moved to Washington, D.C. to begin a Master's degree in Theology. She is a current student of the John Paul II Institute at the Catholic University of America and works as a Development Associate at the Saint Luke Institute. Last fall she participated as a model in D.C. Fashion Week. In her free time, Megan enjoys a good British mystery and exploring the beautiful city of Washington. 

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Videography: Max Haben | Photography: Meaghan Clare Photography | Styling: Shelagh Bolger | Makeup Artist: Nicole Caruso | Model: Megan McCleneghen

Navigating the Revised Rite of Marriage

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CHRISTINA DEHAN JALOWAY 

If you’re currently planning your wedding, or have ever been to a Catholic wedding, you know that Catholics do things differently. We don't do "sand ceremonies." We don't process to the altar to top 40 pop music. We don't write our own vows. Instead of 5-10 minutes, our weddings last an hour to an hour and a half. The list goes on.

What you may not know is that the Church recently revised the official marriage rite, and that those revisions could affect your plans for your wedding Mass. Since I got married right after the revisions took place, I was able to get a feel for what’s new and what hasn’t changed. Rest assured that regardless of these revisions, at the end of the day, the Nuptial Mass is what it always has been: a beautiful, joyous celebration of the union of man and woman in marriage.  

The Procession: Here comes the bride...and the groom...and the wedding party.

For some reason, before I got married I was under the impression that the Catholic marriage rite did not allow the groom, groomsmen, and priest to come in from the sacristy, while the bridesmaids and bride processed up the main aisle. At my wedding in December 2016 (days after the revised rite went into effect), my husband-to-be processed into the chapel with the clergy, the wedding party followed, and then I processed up with my Dad.

It turns out that there are quite a few ways to work the procession in accordance with the Church’s rubrics. The couple may process in together, after the clergy, or they may process in separately with their parents. The wedding party may process in two by two, or individually. And yes, the groom and groomsmen can come out of the sacristy and wait for the bride at the altar. The possibilities are almost endless, so be sure to talk with your presider about what you and your fiance are hoping for.

Fun fact: Catholic weddings do not include the question, “Who gives this woman in marriage?”

The Introductory Rites: Why not start with a song?

The revised rite encourages couples to include an opening song in their wedding Mass. This is not required, but it is a lovely way to celebrate the joy of the occasion. Many couples opt for instrumental music during the procession, and then sing a couple of verses of a favorite hymn once the bride and groom have reached the altar. If you don’t want to use a hymn, you could ask your presider to chant one of the antiphons suggested for nuptial Masses.

The Penitential Act is omitted from the revised rite, for reasons that the instructions for the rite do not make clear. What is clear is why the Gloria is now required for all wedding Masses: the Gloria is sung on Sundays (except during Lent) and all solemnities that the Church celebrates. How beautiful that the Church has elevated weddings to the same level as major feasts!

Fun fact: In a Catholic wedding, the presider will not ask if anyone in the congregation knows of a reason why the two people should not be joined in matrimony.

The Liturgy of the Word: Decisions, decisions.

The revised marriage rite includes more options from Scripture to choose from, but instructs that at least one the readings chosen must refer to marriage. Thus, a couple could choose St. Paul’s ever-popular hymn to love (1 Cor. 12:31-13:8a), but the Gospel or Old Testament reading would have to then explicitly reference marriage.

One thing to note is that if your wedding falls on a major feast day, like Epiphany, or during the Octave of Easter, the readings will be chosen for you based on the lectionary for that day.

The Celebration of Matrimony: Universal and particular.

While there aren’t any major changes in the actual rite of marriage, the revisions do stress the free choice of the couple, particularly in the “giving of rings” (previously called the “exchange” of rings): instead of asking each other to “take” the ring, they ask each other to “receive” the ring.

The revised rite also encourages the congregation to participate in an acclamation of praise--such as, “Thanks be to God” or “alleluia” after the couple has given their consent.

It’s no secret that the marriage rite has been adapted by many parishes to include various cultural additions, but in the revised rite some of these traditions, such as the exchange of arras (coins) as a sign of the groom’s promise to provide for the bride, have become “official” options for couples.

Fun fact: The official Catholic term for what most people refer to as “vows” is “exchange of consent”. In a Catholic wedding, the couple is not making a vow to God, but rather offering their consent to marry each other.  

The Liturgy of the Eucharist: This is my body, given up for you.

Usually, the only living people who are mentioned in the Eucharistic prayer are the Pope and local bishop; at your wedding Mass, you and your husband will be named in this prayer! How cool is that? You’ll also get a special Nuptial blessing (which focuses mostly on the bride), but that hasn’t changed with the new rite.


I hope this has been a helpful overview of the changes you might encounter as you prepare for your nuptial Mass. If you’d like more detailed information on the revised marriage rite, Pastoral Liturgy has a good overview.

 

About the Author: Christina Dehan Jaloway is Spoken Bride's Associate Editor. She is the author of the blog The Evangelista. Read more

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I Dos and Don'ts: Wedding Education for the Modern Bride + Groom | The Booking Phase of Your Engagement

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ANDI COMPTON

 

The booking phase is one of my favorite parts of wedding prep because after all your initial dreaming, you finally get to assemble a team to bring your vision and all your plans to life.

If you’re following the phase approach to wedding planning suggested in this series, you’ve already solidified many budget-related matters. As you move forward into booking, bear in mind that “affordable” is not a number. I see lots of requests online for brides seeking an “affordable” florist/coordinator/photographer, and frankly, affordable means something different to each couple.

Know how much you are willing to spend for each vendor, and be honest and up front when asking for recommendations. It’s much easier for a friend or coordinator to give you a recommendation when you ask “Do you of any local wedding photographers who cost less than $3,000?” than “Do you know of any affordable local photographers?”

Here are three tips to guide you as you research, interview, and hire vendors:

Order matters.

Certain categories of vendors tend to book a year or more in advance. This is generally limited to vendors who can only handle one event per day, or to those who are extremely popular in their area. Examples might include reception venues with only one event space or independent wedding photographers who are not part of a larger company. Prioritizing a particular order helps you focus, so you can assemble your dream team one vendor at a time.

First Priority:

Church

Reception Venue

Wedding Coordinator

Photographer

Caterer

Wedding Dress

 

Second Priority:

Videographer

Rentals (chairs, tables, linens, lounge furniture)

Florals

Ceremony and Reception Musicians

Bridesmaid Attire

Stationer

Cake/Dessert Baker

Hairstylist

Makeup Artist

Menswear

 

Third Priority:

Transportation

Seamstress for Alterations

Lighting Designer

Bartending Service

Rehearsal Dinner/Morning After Brunch Venue

Keep in mind an exception to this list: if there is a vendor in any category that you really want to work with, prioritize them in your budget and book them as early as possible.

Scroll down for download link. 

Limit interviews.

Limit yourself to interviewing 1-3 vendors per category. By all means, research as many individuals as you’d like, but only take the time to meet with those who are within your budget and whose product or service you truly like. It can quickly become overwhelming to interview 12 different photographers and try to remember each of them and the communication you’ve had. For some, the constant need to research and meet with vendors can become addicting, so strive to be aware of the possibility, know yourself, and slow down if you find yourself obsessing over anything. Click here for Elise's suggested interview questions for major vendors.

You aren’t booked until you sign a contract.

Even if a vendor has sent you a proposal, to which you’ve sent an enthusiastic response, you have not officially booked them until you’ve signed a contract and put down a deposit. Vendors often have many couples seeking their services for the same date. Depending on their policies, some might offer a few days to make your decision; others work with whatever couple submits their contract and deposit first. When in doubt, ask what a company’s booking policy is!

As our gift to you, we’ve created a free printable checklist for the booking phase to keep all your vendor details in one location. I highly suggest keeping a two inch binder with these sheets, along with a hard copy of each of your contracts.

Happy Planning!

Click here to download the Booking Checklist.

About the Author: Andi Compton is Spoken Bride's Business Director. She is the owner of Now That's a Party, where she coordinates weddings, fundraising galas, and social events. Read more

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Editors' Picks | Vol. 6: Bridesmaids Gifts

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At Spoken Bride, we love a good book, a good meal, a standout statement necklace, a heel you can dance in, and the list goes on. And when we make those discoveries, we want to tell everyone. So every month or two, we're sharing our latest and favorite finds in everything engagement, wedding, and honeymoon-related.

If you choose, your wedding party has the potential to be so much more than the friends and family members who join you on the altar and circle around during your first dance. These men and women can be powerful, loving intercessors during engagement and throughout your marriage--for that, and for all their assistance and investment preparing for your big day and standing next to you as you say your vows, they deserve a worthy thank you! Today we're sharing some of our favorite gifts for bridesmaids.

Christina, Associate Editor

When purchasing gifts for my bridesmaids--who were all close family members--I tried to give them something that they could use and enjoy beyond the wedding day. I ended up putting together gift bags with the following four items, and my bridesmaids loved them.

Anthropologie House & Home items: I got each of my bridesmaids a personalized mug except for my cousin, who got a candle--she has limited cabinet space and had mentioned to me before that she didn’t want anymore mugs. Anthropologie is my go-to for this kind of thing, and my secret to keeping costs down is to scour the sale section. Candles and mugs are often on sale for as little as $6!

Literary Heroine Bookmark: All of my bridesmaids love to read, and although they’re not all quite as nerdy as I am, I knew they’d appreciate one of these darling bookmarks from Carrot Top Paper Shop. Each got a different heroine, although I couldn’t resist giving my sister Elisa, my Maid of Honor, Anne of Green Gables and Hermione.

Earrings: Each of my bridesmaids wore a different, self-selected dress, so I decided to get them all similar earrings to pull everything together on the big day. As much as I wanted the gifts to be a surprise, I also wanted my maids to like their earrings enough to get post-wedding wear out of them, so I asked each about their preferred style of earring and got them all at Anthro, which I knew would be a hit.

Letter of gratitude: By far my favorite part of the bridesmaid gift bag was the personalized thank you notes that I wrote to each of my maids. Each of them is so precious to me, and since I’m a Words-of-Affirmation gal, I couldn’t help telling them so on my wedding day. I knew I wouldn’t have time to sit down with each of them before the wedding and pour my heart out, but a letter is the next best thing. I chose cards from Papersource that reflected each of our relationships and spent time in the weeks leading up to the wedding crafting well-thought out letters of gratitude to my two sisters, sister-in-law, and cousin-who-might-as-well-be-a-sister. It was one of my favorite parts of the wedding planning process, and I’m so glad I took the time to do it.

Elise, Social Media Coordinator

Plum Pretty Sugar Robes: I'm excited to be gifting my bridesmaids with these comfy robes for all of us to wear as we get our hair and makeup done the morning of my wedding! It's the perfect way to make your bridesmaids to feel pampered and comfortable during prep time, and always fun to match with your best girls!  

Customized makeup bags: These bags would be perfect for holding personal makeup while prepping for the wedding. Bonus: this bag can double as a clutch for your bridesmaids throughout the wedding day. Hello makeup retouch en route to the reception! 

Holy Family medal: A small medal of the Holy Family, the Blessed Mother or each bridesmaid's patron saint is a thoughtful way for you to add a spiritual touch to your wedding party gifts. If you want, you can have the medals blessed and even pray with them in the weeks leading up the wedding, before gifting them to your bridesmaids. 

Stephanie, Editor in Chief + Co-Founder

Mystic Monk Coffee or Tea + Brick House in the City Mug: Depending when in the day your wedding is, your getting-ready time can be anywhere from before dawn to a somewhat normal breakfast hour. Either way, ease into hair, makeup, and photos by treating each of your bridesmaids to her favorite hot drink. A box of gourmet coffee or tea--Mystic Monk is delicious and supports our Carmelite brothers in monastic life--along with a mug to remember the day by, elevates a normal morning ritual into a time worth remembering. One of our brides designed mugs as a favor for her guests; I also love this one from Brick House in the City, a Catholic-owned small business!

Naves Design Clutch: Between pajamas or getting-ready outfits, shoes, makeup, accessories, snacks, chargers, emergency items, and beyond, every bridesmaid has plenty to carry over the course of a wedding day. A pretty clutch, like this handmade one, helps your ladies keep their essentials close at hand through traveling and photo ops, and a metallic or neutral shade is classic and versatile enough for long after the big day.

Makeup brush set: If you’re all doing your own makeup, quality tools feel like a treat and can ease and simplify application. A set of brushes is the kind of item I’d never think to buy for myself, but would love to receive as a gift, one I know I’d frequently use. This budget option from EcoTools and this higher-end option from Too Faced each boast good looks and come well-reviewed by beauty-savvy women.

Andi, Business Director

Pretty Please Custom Nail Polish: Toss a fun shade of nail polish into a bag with some additional pampering essentials. It's fun receiving gifts of little luxuries you wouldn't normally purchase for yourself.

Telos Art Spiritual Bouquet: A beautiful image to accompany a personal list of prayers and intentions from you, to each of your bridesmaids.

Quality time: Nothing beats quality time with your best girlfriends and sisters. Treat the members of your bridal party to lunch, manis and pedis, a besties day at your favorite tourist trap...whatever gives you ladies great bonding time!

Tote Bag: My friend once gave each bridesmaid an LL Bean Medium tote bag, personalized with our initials and filled with a giant, fuzzy bathrobe. They're excellent quality bags--I still have mine almost 10 years later!

Flats or Flip Flops for the reception: Give your maids some cute shoes for the reception so they can tear up the dance floor. Personally, I love seeing bright, fun shoes paired with fancy bridesmaid dresses.

Jiza, Co-Founder + Creative Director

Bridesmaid Emergency Kit: The morning of the wedding can sometimes be crazy, so gifting an emergency kit is just a small way to help everyone have what they might need at the last minute. 

BHLDN Botanic Garden Robes: As a wedding photographer, I always love when all of the bridesmaids are in coordinating or matching robes while getting ready. It makes for a super cute group photo with the bride, attractive & modest "getting ready" photos (because no one wants to be photographed in pajamas, tank tops, or bras), and it's something your bridesmaids can continue to use after the wedding day.

My Saint My Hero "Trinity" Necklace: Looking to give a piece of beautiful jewelry to your bridesmaids? My Saint My Hero now offers these petite necklaces that are both feminine and a beautiful reminder of our faith. The Swarovski crystal comes in a few different colors, so you can pick one that coordinates with your wedding theme.

We love making new discoveries, particularly from Catholic vendors--share your bridesmaid gift ideas in the comments or on our social media!

 

I Trust in You: 4 Ways to Live Out Divine Mercy as a Couple

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This weekend the Church celebrates Divine Mercy Sunday, the name and feast given the second Sunday of Easter by Saint John Paul II at Saint Faustina’s canonization seventeen years ago. The message of Divine Mercy is powerfully simple: Jesus longs to draw us intimately close to his Sacred Heart and to pour out his forgiveness and grace, if only we accept his invitation. “Know that as often as you come to Me,” Christ said to Faustina, “humbling yourself and asking My forgiveness, I pour out a superabundance of graces on your soul, and your imperfection vanishes before My eyes, and I see only your love and your humility. You lose nothing but gain much.”

As spouses are called to love and sanctify each other with Christ-like love, incorporating a Divine Mercy-oriented spirituality into your relationship, one fixed on the heart of Jesus, can make manifest his love in your sacramental life and in the practicals of discussion and problem-solving. Consider…

Setting regular confession dates.

The clearer the path between your soul and God, the better disposed you are to receive the graces he so desperately desires to bestow and the clearer the path between you and your fiancé or spouse. Because most parishes offer weekly confessions, it can be easy to put off reconciliation until next week, or the next, or the next. Designating one or two Saturdays a month to attend confession and Mass together, followed by a brunch or dinner date, keeps the both of you accountable for meeting Jesus in the sacrament, encourages frequent self-examination, and constantly forces you to your knees, aware of our deep need for the Father’s love and mercy.

Resolving arguments more simply.

This doesn’t necessarily mean hashing out every disagreement to perfection before allowing yourselves to move on; so many relational, family, or virtue-related issues are complex works in progress that aren’t always easily solved. What it does mean is being quick to acknowledge whatever your current struggle is and to meet it with love: listen without interruption, hold hands, use eye contact, and perhaps even offer a smile as you talk. Above all, be generous in forgiveness. A ready “I forgive you,” spoken sincerely and without a grudge, can ease small wounds and sharp words as you work through arguments.

Cultivating a constantly deeper openness to God’s will.

“Every hour is a precious boon,” sings Andrew Peterson. “Every breath is a mercy.” He’s right. It’s been said that Jesus’ message of mercy is closely tied to his providence and to the Father’s will for every person. If, in God’s greatness, perfect mercy is perfect love, then any occurrence in our lives can be viewed as a gift of love, even in suffering, because he wills for us to know him and who he is--in goodness, generosity, and tenderness. Develop a habit of asking Jesus to reveal to you his Father’s will, and of meaning it in a real way. A heart of obedience and service can be much easier to develop in theory than in practice, yet the more often we call upon Jesus to draw us into his heart and show us God’s loving mercy, the easier it becomes to take in and truly live out the words, “thy will be done.”

Entrusting yourselves to Our Lady.

The 1981 attempt on John Paul II’s life took place on the anniversary of Mary’s first appearance at Fatima, a date the Pope knew couldn’t be attributed to mere coincidence. Months later, he would set the bullet that pierced him into the crown of the official statue of Our Lady of Fatima. He called his journey to Portugal “a pilgrimage of thanksgiving ‘to the mercy of God...and the Mother of Christ,’” emphasizing that devotion to Mary points us directly at the heart of her son.

The closeness between Jesus’ Sacred Heart and Mary’s Immaculate Heart is so deep, so profound that it’s a mystery in every sense. The ultimate loving mother, Our Lady desires only to bring us to her son. Developing a devotion to her, through the Rosary or spoken prayer, frequently invoking her intercession, and/or through total consecration to her, infuses our own lives with an earthly taste of her deep love for and union with Christ.

Humility, forgiveness, rest: an encounter with the divine. Mercy abounds in countless, varied experiences of Jesus’ love and, with intention and purpose, can bring his love into your engagement and marriage in a tangible way.


 

I Dos and Dont's: Wedding Education for the Modern Bride + Groom | Stewardship and the Practicals of Working Out Your Budget

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ANDI COMPTON

 

Andi Compton, our Business Director, planned her own birthday parties as a girl, spent hours making wedding collages as a teenager, and worked at the largest bridal store on the West Coast during college. She eventually answered the call to turn her organization and creativity into a business, Now That’s a Party, wherein she coordinates weddings primarily for Catholic couples.

Over the upcoming months, Andi will be here to guide you through your planning and share her insights from the wedding industry, from engagement all the way through newlywed life. Consider it an open invitation to ask your wedding planning questions in the comments and on our social media!

Today, Andi breaks down an essential part of early wedding planning--creating and allocating your budget--and has created two worksheets to share with your fiancé and your families to clarify what each party values most for your wedding and to identify each of your financial contributions. They're beautifully designed, comprehensive resources we're thrilled to offer you!

As a wedding coordinator, I take wedding budgets very seriously. They represent a huge commitment of time and money from the bride, groom, and often both of their families. Sometimes it’s the largest event any of them have hosted! 

It’s easy to overspend if you don’t take time at the very beginning of the planning process to set a reasonable budget everyone is comfortable with, and to constantly update it and make sure you're all on the same page.

As Christians, we are called to be good stewards of the gifts God has given us, including our finances. Luke's Gospel asks us, “Which of you wishing to construct a tower does not first sit down and calculate the cost to see if there is enough for its completion? Otherwise, after laying the foundation and finding himself unable to finish the work the onlookers should laugh at him and say, ‘This one began to build but did not have the resources to finish.'” (14:28-30)

The same principles apply to planning any kind of party. We start with our not-so-glamorous budget and offer it up to God. And from there, we can move on to making the fun decisions and indulging a little in the perks of being a bride.

I share the budgeting tips below with my clients and really, with anyone who wants to talk weddings with me:

Prioritize.

I’m going to say something I’ve never heard another wedding industry pro say: aside from your nuptial Mass and marriage license, everything else in this process is optional. Everything.

You don’t have to send out paper invitations, eat cake, wear a white dress, carry a bouquet, or even have a single photo taken to become man and wife. All those things are wonderful traditions that are fun to choose, but they are not what binds you to one another for life.

So here’s what you do: prioritize. Separately from each other, write down the top 3-5 wedding elements that are the most important to each of you, and the 3-5 that aren’t very important to you, i.e. categories in which you wouldn't mind spending less money or deferring to your beloved's choices.

Here’s a little sample:

Her High Priorities: Music for Mass, Wedding dress, color scheme for reception, Invitations, coordinator
His High Priorities: Readings for Mass, style of Tuxes for me and groomsmen,  good food at reception, photographer/videographer, good Cake
Her Low Priorities: Music for Reception, Reception Bar, Limos
His Low Priorities: Transportation, Flowers, Bridesmaid dresses, invitations

As you talk and discuss these together, come up with your own unified list of priorities to focus on. Categories with higher priorities get booked first and generally have a larger amount of money spent on them. Categories with lower priorities can be done by friends and family, delegated to parents or family to decide on, or omitted entirely.

Leave a little wiggle room.

When planning a big event with lots of moving parts to it, things happen. A pair of shoes gets forgotten 100 miles away and you dash to the mall for another pair. You’re suddenly starving and make a Jamba Juice run for the bridal party between the ceremony and reception. You decide to go overtime with your reception vendors and add an extra hour to the party because everyone is having so much fun. Additional, unexpected situations arise, and it’s best to leave at least 5-10% of your budget open for these possibilities.

Accept.

Another shocking fact: no one gets everything they want. Even couples with a $100,000 budget still have to pick and choose what matters and make compromises to stay on budget. Yes, that might look like skipping a 10-minute firework show and choosing to have your guests wave sparklers at the end of the night instead. But ultimately, no couple gets every single element they want unless they have unlimited money. Learning to accept that compromise is a part of life, and sticking to your budget is excellent practice for marriage!

Thank those who have contributed to your day in any way. 

Really take the time to thank your parents, grandparents, godparents, friends, and anyone who has contributed to your wedding financially or with the gift of their time. They are not obligated to give you your dream wedding, and chances are, they've made sacrifices to give you as much as possible. Sending a kind note, taking them out to dinner or on a fun day trip, or giving a gift at your rehearsal dinner are all beautiful ways of showing your appreciation.

Enjoy the fruits of your labor!

When the day you've been preparing for spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically finally comes, surrender it to God. Don't stress the details, and be intentional and present. Hire a day-of coordinator if you prefer, or designate a family member or friend be the point of contact for all your vendors so that you can just soak everything in. Your budget will still be there Monday morning after your wedding, and some expenses may not be finalized until then. If possible, it's nice to wait until after your honeymoon to wrap everything up.

My final piece of wedding budget is advice is to never, ever, ever, ever take out debt to throw a party. Do what you can with what you have--another great life lesson.

Now I want to hear from you! What have you and your groom prioritized as most important and least important for your wedding? 

Download the Budgeting resources below:

About the Author: Andi Compton is Spoken Bride's Business Director. She is the owner of Now That's a Party where she coordinates weddings, fundraising galas, and social events. Read more

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Making the Most of a Short Engagement

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CHRISTINA DEHAN JALOWAY

 

Engagement is a wonderful, stressful, romantic, scary, and beautiful time in a couple’s life. Having just lived through a whirlwind courtship and as-short-as-the-church-allows engagement, I have been asked by a few readers to share my tips for a fruitful engagement when time is not exactly on your side.

Before I get to the list, I will say that Kristian and I are both thankful that we were only engaged for six months. True, it made wedding planning a little (lot) more stressful at times, and there were moments where I wondered if we were rushing things. But when I had my wits about me, it was clear that a short engagement was the way to go for us, and not just because Kristian was 40 and I was 32 when we started dating. For example, Kristian and I both appreciated that the short wedding-planning time frame made it difficult (for me) to overthink all of the details and get too stressed out by the process. And honestly, once Kristian and I were sure we were called to marriage, we were ready to get married. 

That said, I do think that the way Kristian and I went about wedding planning and preparing for marriage made our short engagement a more fruitful, less rushed experience than it could have otherwise been. Below, you'll find a few tips that I think would work for most couples. (If you're on the opposite end of the spectrum, like our Social Media Coordinator Elise, check out her tips for thriving in a long engagement here.)

1. Go to a few sessions with a Catholic licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT).

That may sound extreme, but I think that it was the most valuable thing we did during our engagement. This is not to say that your parish priest or deacon isn’t a good resource, but chances are they don’t have the time or the training to help you and your fiance dig into the nitty-gritty of your relationship and the potential areas of conflict that may crop up in your marriage. For me personally, couples therapy helped dispel many of my fears and gave me much more peace in the final weeks approaching our wedding.

2. Do a nightly relationship examen.

Each night, Kristian and I would spend a few minutes (usually walking around one of our neighborhoods) examining our relationship that day. We kept it simple so that it wouldn’t become burdensome, and it went something like this:

  1. What was the most satisfying thing about our relationship today?

  2. What was the least satisfying thing about our relationship today?

  3. What can I do to make your life better/easier tomorrow?

The examen gave us the opportunity to remember the enjoyable parts of the day and to air any grievances before they had a chance to fester into resentment. It wasn’t always pleasant to do, but answering these questions each day prompted important conversations and deeper intimacy, which is why Kristian and I continue the practice each night now that we're married. 

3. Go on a DIY pre-marriage retreat

If you’re like me, typical Pre-Cana retreat, as helpful as it may be, will leave you wanting more. Don’t get me wrong: group marriage retreats have their place, and Kristian and I enjoyed getting to meet other couples who were getting married around the same time as us, but I wanted something that went deeper and was more personal. Unfortunately, due to our short engagement, we didn’t have time to go to a monastery for a couple of days (which was my ideal). So, we compromised and planned a mini-retreat for the week before our wedding. We kept it simple and just spent a morning in a nearby adoration chapel, meditating on the vows we would be making in just a few days. We took each set of vows, spent about 20 minutes praying and journaling about them, and then went outside on a bench and shared our reflections with each other. It was such a peaceful and enriching experience for both of us, and it made our wedding Mass even more meaningful.

4. Keep the bridal showers to a minimum.

When you only have a few months to plan a wedding and prepare for a lifelong commitment to the man you love, having six bridal showers is not going to make things any easier. My recommendation is--if at all possible--to say yes to one shower hosted by a friend and one hosted by extended family. All you have to do is kindly decline the extra offers, and make sure that the would-be hostesses get invited to one of the main showers.

Regardless of how long or short your engagement is, the most important thing to remember is that it is a time of preparation for marriage to the one you love. I know that sounds obvious, but short engagements can get so clogged with wedding planning, parties, showers, and other distractions that it’s easy to forget the Sacrament. I hope the tips above help you and your fiance navigate this time peacefully and joyfully.


Now we’d like to hear from you: did you have a short engagement? Any tips you want to share with other brides-to-be? Please do so in the comments!

 

About the Author: Christina Dehan Jaloway is Spoken Bride's Associate Editor. She is the author of the blog The Evangelista. Read more

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Learning to Long: A Letter to My Fiancé

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ALEXA DONCSENCZ SMITH

 

Dear Fiancé,

Today we spent the day together, and it was perfect. And at the end of the day we had to say goodbye again. We went home to separate houses and will wake up to separate worlds. Today is Sunday, and the next time I see you it will be Friday.

Right now, that feels like four days that serve no purpose. Four days to get through, to endure. Four days I don't really need.

I'm ready to be coming home to you. I'm ready to not say goodbye anymore. To spend a day that doesn't end with our going separate ways, followed by days and days apart.

Tonight, since you left, I've been really miserable. I've been angry. I've sat at my computer with a scowl on my face and frustration in my heart. I've thought about how much it hurts not to be married yet, and how long we still have to go.

I'm telling you this because it's important. It’s important that my letters to you reflect not just the joys of our engagement – tasting wedding cake samples, finding out which bridal expos have the best free hors d'oeuvres, replicating every wedding related DIY craft on Pinterest – but also the struggles, the harsh realities, and the challenges we’ve endured as a team.

The truth is that a lot of couples don't put themselves through this. Our culture has found a streamlined approach to gratification, and what that means is that couples never have to experience the pain and loneliness and frustration that comes with saying goodbye to the person you love every night until marriage. They've eliminated that, and they see it as a good thing.

I can kind of understand why they think that. It's easier. It's less painful.

The culture will often choose what is easy and painless. And on the other end of the spectrum, you and I get to learn what it feels like to long.

I get to spend the next eighteen months frustrated to not wake up with you. I get to go to bed angry on Sunday nights after you've left, knowing I don't get to be with you again for another week. I get to dwell in the pain and sadness that comes with waiting for the appropriate time to share all that I want to share with you: to live with you, to love you in the little moments every day, to fall asleep and wake up next to my best friend.

And because I've learned how to long, because I've learned what it feels like to be without you, I know I will never take our marriage for granted.

I can't wait for the way it will feel on our wedding day, knowing there is no such thing as going home to separate houses ever again. There will be no more goodbyes, no more living in different worlds during the week, no more waiting days between seeing each other. We will never take those things for granted, because we had to go so long without them. We had to struggle through not having those things, even when we felt ready for them.

Sometimes I feel defeated. Sometimes I get angry. Sometimes I cry because I can't help it and it all just feels like more than I can handle.

But when I finally manage to pull myself together, I remember we are going to have something incredibly strong and beautiful. Part of the reason it's going to be so strong and so beautiful is because our right now is as difficult as it is.

This is not the easy way. But we're doing what we know is right, what we believe in and what our faith asks of us. We are doing what we know builds strong, beautiful relationships and marriages. I want nothing less with you.

About the Author: Alexa is a 2013 graduate of The Catholic University of America, where she earned her B.S. in Biology with a minor in Psychology. Since 2014, she has served as the Assistant Coordinator for Youth, Young Adult and Family Ministry for the Diocese of Allentown. Alexa and her fiancé Patrick got engaged in December 2016, and are excitedly planning and preparing for a June 2018 marriage. Together they enjoy Cracker Barrel breakfasts, long walks around Barnes & Noble, and deciding which bridal expos have the best cake samples. Alexa's hobbies include writing, photography, and drinking coffee. 

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Putting Aside the Details: My Engaged Encounter Experience

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EMILY DIBIASE

 

The day after my fiancé and I got engaged, we sat down and wrote a prayer to say together every night of our engagement in preparation for marriage. It’s a practice we began over two years ago when we started the long distance portion of our relationship, adjusting the prayer to whatever circumstances we were in at that time to bring us together spiritually even when we were physically apart.

In our engagement prayer, we were intentional in including the invocation to help us “not let the details get the way.” I was happy to include it, but thought it was a little unnecessary – I of all people certainly was not going to be a bridezilla. My fiancé and I are both devout Catholics, so I recognized that the wedding Mass was far more important than the rest of the day. Dozens of brides had warned me not to let the wedding take over my life, and after working for a church for seven years, I’d seen plenty of brides who didn’t have the joy I hoped to feel on my wedding day, since their minds were too preoccupied by details to be truly present in the day. Thus, I vowed to never let the wedding take precedence over my marriage.

Through the first five months of our engagement, I naively thought I'd kept my promise. I picked my wedding dress in less than an hour (it was the first one I tried on), I hired the first and only DJ I ever talked to, I spent hours perusing the internet to find the best deals on everything because I was determined not to go over our budget, and I hardly delegated tasks to anyone, even my fiancé. I was an easy bride…or so I thought.

The last few weeks have been jammed. As we quickly approach our June wedding, I’ve been trying to cram everything going on in my life into whatever spare hours I have, including the brilliant idea of spending the two hours we had between work and our pre-Cana program printing our DIY invitations. After an hour of trying unsuccessfully (they printed out, but were navy, not teal, and would clash with our motif), I finally barked to forget it, and we went off on our weekend. It wasn’t until I was having a complete meltdown on the way to marriage prep that I realized my priorities were way off-track. 

Oddly enough, one of the parts I was dreading most in the wedding preparations was pre-Cana. As part of our engagement present, my future in-laws had sponsored my fiancé and me to attend an Engaged Encounter weekend, a retreat-based marriage preparation program that fulfills pre-Cana requirements. I was extremely grateful for this gift, but the thought of spending an entire weekend away from our hectic lives of work, grad school, volunteering, and wedding planning was daunting.

The closer we got to the weekend, the more apprehensive I became. I knew the basic format of the weekend – someone would discuss a trigger topic of marriage (ie. money, intimacy, NFP, communication, etc.) and then we would have time to write about our responses and share them with each other. We’d also been told that it would be a working weekend and to come well rested (ha!). I imagined my sleep-deprived fiancé and myself attempting to have meaningful conversations and ending up just arguing the entire weekend. After a long week at work, the last thing I felt like doing was losing out on more sleep and fighting battles we had already settled long before.

So here we were, two devout Catholics sitting in a conference room on a Friday night dreading our pre-Cana weekend and cockily thinking that we had nothing to gain from it. I’ve planned dozens of retreats before and knew that attitude was everything, but here I was falling into the same trap as so many others before me. I was totally not present, sullenly calculating how many hours it was until we would be released, and wrapped up in worrying about how to get the invitations done on time.

At the beginning of the weekend, the moderators stressed that we were going to get out of the weekend whatever we put into it. I was cynical, but as I listened to the two moderating couples – one married for twelve years, the other for sixty – I began to realize that we have a lot to learn. These two couples opened up to us about what they’d been through in marriage: the highs, the lows, and everything in between. They were so brutally honest and open that it caused us to want to be brutally honest and open with each other as well. Their love was infectious, and I found myself slowly letting go of all of the stresses and taking the time to really look at the man I was marrying, who I realized I’d been looking past in all of my planning. Despite my valiant attempts, I’d made him just another piece in the puzzle of my dream day, instead of letting him make my day a dream.

Throughout the weekend, we slowly let our guards down and fell in love again on a deeper level through our intimate conversations. We went from being business partners, tasked with accomplishing the task of merging our lives with at times unemotional precision, to being carefree lovebirds again, totally in awe of each other and the great gift of love that we've been given by God.

What Engaged Encounter gave us was the opportunity to take intentional time to turn off every distraction and just focus on us. We talked about subjects we’d evaded in the past, or hadn't had time to fully discuss in a relaxed and loving setting. Conversations I’d never imagined bringing up that weekend came up naturally, free of tension and full of honest, thoughtful dialogue. Even more importantly, the retreat encouraged us to reground our relationship with each other in our relationship with God, and to recognize that the closer we become to Him, the closer we will be to each other.

The turning point came for me on Saturday night when we all gathered in the chapel for a special blessing. Part of the blessing involved us taking each other’s hands in the manner that we will on our wedding day. As we stood looking in each other’s eyes, I felt an overwhelming desire to marry my fiance right then and there. And suddenly, I realized it didn’t matter if the bridesmaids’ flowers were ivory or blush or if the wedding programs were printed on the same paper as the invitations; my dream wedding is going to be a dream because I’m marrying the love of my life, my best friend, the man who draws me closer to God on a daily basis, who makes me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world, and who practices selfless, sacrificial love every day.

Before our Engaged Encounter weekend, I was excited for my marriage, but I was focused on the wedding, letting the details and the pressures of hosting a Pinterest-perfect party get in the way of continuing to feed and develop my relationship with my beloved. After Engaged Encounter, I am still excited for my “fairytale” wedding, but have become focused on my upcoming marriage and the excitement and humility I have in joining my life with the person I love most, second only to Jesus.

Did our engagement become perfect after our weekend? Not at all. On Monday morning, I still had to handle the invitation fiasco and hunt down the florist for a price on the flowers, and even now I still have to remind myself to not get so wrapped up in the details. But from the moment we left the retreat, I noticed that we were much more intentional in making sure that the other felt loved and appreciated and did our best to retain the joy in each other’s presence that was so prevalent that weekend.

On June 16th, I will once again stand opposite the man of my dreams, holding his hands and taking the biggest leap of faith I’ve ever taken. I can’t say that I’m confident the invitations will perfectly match the bridesmaid dresses or that my floating candles will last the entire night, but thanks to Engaged Encounter, I now feel more confident than ever in the most important part of the day – that I am marrying the most amazing man in the world, and that I am the most blessed girl in the world to be able to do so.

If you’d like to learn more about Engaged Encounter, please visit their website.

About the Author: Emily DiBiase is marrying the love of her life on June 16, 2017. She now works in the Marketing Department at the same college where she and her fiancé Aaron met as high school students at an accepted students day. She is currently studying for her master’s in theology through the Augustine Institute, and when she’s not wedding planning, you can probably find her teaching religious education, running the parish youth group, spending time with family, or starting her Catholic marketing company, Gloriam Marketing. She loves biblical studies, especially typology, and has strong feelings about God, Jane Austen, and the Oxford comma. She blogs about Catholic young adult life at www.catholickidproblems.wordpress.com. 

4 Ways Your Wedding Website Can Be a Means of Evangelization

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STEPHANIE CALIS

 

Aside from details like the who, the where, and the RSVPs, directing guests to your wedding website offers a unique occasion to share your faith with your family and friends. If you and your fiancé have chosen to create one, it's certain nearly everyone invited to your big day will visit your site as soon as they see the address online or in their Save the Date. So, consider your website your letter to family and friends--a large, and possibly varied, audience. Pray together about what message you hope to convey as you introduce your guests to who you are as a couple and to what your wedding day will be all about.

Stating why you believe what you do, in your own words and in a way that's truthful, casual, and aimed at the heart, can go a long way in making your Catholic wedding an invitation to deeper understanding and a witness to the beauty of marriage in the Church. You might consider adding any or all of these elements to your site:

Tell the story of a saint who's had a hand in your relationship.

If the Father and the communion of saints have written your love story, consider saying so. True stories of virtue and holiness speak for themselves, and they also provide an opportunity to break down why and how Catholics call upon the saints' intercession.

Include explanations of parts of the Mass, like communion and the Rite of Marriage, for guests who might be unfamiliar.

Briefly and charitably discussing modest dress in the chapel, guidelines for who can receive communion and why, and reasons the Rite of Marriage matters for the sacrament can all go a long way in making your guests--particularly non-Catholics or those who've been away from the faith--feel at ease and not experience surprises that could be misperceived as exclusive or judgmental, like a non-Catholic not being permitted to receive the Eucharist.

Host an open-invitation holy hour after your rehearsal.

One of the most treasured moments of my life was praying with my college best friend moments before her wedding rehearsal, in the chapel on our campus where we'd both, at some point, alternately smiled and wept thinking about our future husbands, babies, and marriages over the years. The tears poured down as we knelt shoulder to shoulder and as I marveled at how the Father had answered each of our hopes and prayers so specifically and abundantly in the men he gave to us.

At another wedding I was invited to, the bride and groom had their priest and a few friends help lead an hour of Adoration, confession, and Praise and Worship the night before the wedding for any guests who wished to attend. Heaven touches earth during those moments of hope and anticipation. Following suit, by planning a holy hour and sharing the details with your guests via your wedding site, is amazing for both you and your beloved and for friends and family who will share in your joy and intercede for your marriage.

Invite guests to leave their intentions on your wedding site, and pray for them.

Online guestbooks and song requests are fun, standard fare, but have you considered additionally including an Intention Box on your website for your guests? Create a page for family and friends to privately submit their prayer requests to you and your fiancé. Prayer for those you've invited to share in your day, whether they're attending or not attending, is a lovingly specific act of generosity. 

I hope these ways of evangelizing to your guests sincerely call your family and friends into communion with you and express what you stand for in a loving way, particularly if there are sensitivities among them where faith is concerned.

Above all, though, I truly think the best, most important witness of all is one that doesn't even need to be typed and posted--quite simply, the joy of entering into marriage with a pure heart, radiant, evident joy, and desire for complete self-gift is impossible to ignore.

Don't worry about it being your personal responsibility to change anyone's mind about the Church. Pray for each of your guests as you address their invitations or plan your reception seating, and place them in the hands of Our Lady and her son. Be yourselves--the selves who so clearly wear their love for all to see--knowing your love flows from Love himself, and what you value and what sets your marriage apart will be crystal clear. I promise!

About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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Elise's Wedding | How to Have an Intentional Lent as a Couple

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SAVE THE DATE ... our Social Media Coordinator, Elise Crawford, is marrying Hunter, her college sweetheart, on August 12, 2017. We're overjoyed for her and are thrilled to share with you a peek into one bride's real-life wedding planning. Over the next year, we'll feature monthly pieces from Elise on marriage prep, choosing wedding details, and her spirituality as a bride-to-be. Join us in praying for Elise and Hunter during this sacred time of anticipation!

Photography by: Meaghan Clare Photography

Lent can seem like a very solitary time in the Liturgical calendar: we are called to examen ourselves and work on our habits that might not be the most helpful in our spiritual lives. However, Lent is an excellent opportunity for you to develop new, healthy spiritual habits as a couple as well as individuals.  Since Hunter and I are tying the knot this year, we decided to be more intentional about Lent 2017 than we have been in the past. 

I have to say, I don't have the best Lenten record...usually I falter in my Lenten resolution within the first couple of weeks! However, this year, I was determined to make Lenten goals that were 1.) Actually achievable 2.) Brought me closer to the Lord and 3.) Brought both Hunter and I closer to one another and deepen our faith together. We can all passively try to make a Lenten resolution while consuming way to much sugar on Mardi Gras (maybe I'm just speaking for myself here), but the key to a fruitful Lent isn't just to give up something for the sake of doing so. Lenten observance isn't for God, He doesn't need our sacrifices. Rather, Lent is for us, as Christians, to become more attuned to God in our daily lives and refocus our gaze upon His love. 

Below I've listed six ways to enter into a fruitful Lent with your signifiant other. You can choose as many items from the list as you'd like, just make sure to do so intentionally. Take some time to pray and listen to how the Lord is drawing you closer to Him this Lent. We've also included a beautiful download from The Anchor Theory that you and your beloved can use to plan your Lent. 

1. Sacrifice Something Together as a Couple: Hunter and I decided to sacrifice extra spending this Lent: no eating out or nights at the movies for the next few weeks. Sacrificing something as a couple is a great way to come together and offer something to the Lord, even if it seems small. It's an opportunity to replace something in your normal routine (eating out) with prayer and time spent together with the Lord. Make sure to intentionally set alternatives to the thing that you are giving up: instead of spending time in front of the TV together, resolve to say a rosary each week.

2. The Examen: Since "intentionality" is our theme for this Lent, we really wanted to make it a point to reflect on our daily habits and to become more aware of how we are making, or failing, to keep God as the center of our lives. The Examen is a prayer developed by St. Ignatius of Loyola and is a method to reviewing your daily routines and practices. I'd encourage you and your significant other to pray the Examen each night together. Take time for silence and individual prayer and then if you feel comfortable, share with one another your reflections for the day and how you plan to improve for the following day.

3. Liturgy of the Hours: It is important as lay people to participate in the life of the Church on a daily basis, beyond just Sunday mass. The Divine Office is a fantastic way to raise your heart and mind to God throughout the day. "The purpose of the Divine Office is to sanctify the day and all human activity" (Apostolic Constitution, Canticum Laudis). There is morning prayer, evening prayer and night prayer. Decide with your partner which time of day works best for the both of you to pray the Office. Hunter and I like to say night prayer to conclude our days together by surrendering the day's happenings to God. 

4. Bible Study and Stations of the Cross: I always cringe when I hear the joke made that Catholics don't know their Scripture! Lent is an excellent time for you and your beloved to delve into the Bible. There are great Bible studies available online but it doesn't have to be too complicated: decide to devote 10-20 minutes each day reflecting on the daily readings and or turning to a passage in the Bible and praying with Scripture. You can even practice Lectio Divina if you feel called to delve deeper into the Lord's words this Lent. Most parishes host Stations of the Cross each Friday during Lent. This practice is another great way to enter into the Lord's Word, especially as we anticipate His Passion and death. 

5. Service: As Catholics, we are called to the Corporal Works of Mercy: feeding the hungry, giving drink to the thirsty, sheltering the homeless, visiting the sick, and giving alms to the poor. Set some time aside in your calendar in the next few weeks to donate your time and resources to those less fortunate. Look to your local food bank or decide to put a few extra dollars each week in the poor box each Sunday for the remainder of Lent.

6. Blessed is She: Although this practice might be geared more towards a Bride, the Blessed is She Lenten journal is still a great way to intentionally grow in your faith this Lenten season! I have used Blessed is She's journals in the past and plan to do so this Lent. Their workshops are also awesome resources for you to deepen your relationship with God.  

What are your Lenten goals for the next 33 days? Share in the comments below! 

Download your Intentional Lent Guide HERE.

About the Author: Elise Crawford is Spoken Bride's Social Media Coordinator. She is the owner of Ringlet Studio marketing. Read more

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I Dos and Dont's: Wedding Education for the Modern Bride + Groom | The Planning Phase of Your Engagement + 2 Downloadable Workbooks

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ANDI COMPTON

 

Andi Compton, our Business Director, planned her own birthday parties as a girl, spent hours making wedding collages as a teenager, and worked at the largest bridal store on the West Coast during college. She eventually answered the call to turn her organization and creativity into a business, Now That’s a Party, wherein she coordinates weddings primarily for Catholic couples.

Over the upcoming months, Andi will be here to guide you through your planning and share her insights from the wedding industry, from engagement all the way through newlywed life. Consider it an open invitation to ask your wedding planning questions in the comments and on our social media!

Last month, Andi introduced an alternative to a month-by-month wedding planning timeline: the Phase Approach. Here, she breaks down for you the first phase, Planning, and has created two sets of worksheets to help you envision exactly what you'd like for your Nuptial Mass and reception. They're beautifully designed, comprehensive resources we're thrilled to offer you!

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Once the excitement of early engagement starts to wane, and more and more people begin asking, “When is the wedding?” it’s time to seriously begin praying and discerning what your wedding day will be like, and how it will give glory to God.

Every couple has different expectations about their wedding day. Some imagine an intimate gathering of their nearest and dearest at a swanky hotel or art gallery, dining on rich food and dancing until midnight. Others picture everyone they’ve ever known at a casual backyard reception in the afternoon, eating a simple buffet and delicious cake, with lawn games and minimal dancing while they sit and talk to guests.  

The Planning Phase is the time to sit and talk with all the parties who will be contributing to the wedding about their expectations. While, yes, the day is to celebrate the bride and groom, parents are often investing large sums of money into the day. Their opinions deserve to be respectfully heard.

You would be surprised at how many parents, dads included, have a vision for their child’s wedding. During my own planning, I was surprised to find my husband’s family has a completely different approach to weddings than what my family was accustomed to, and my future in-laws had never been to a wedding like the one we were planning. It was also crazy to find out my dad had always thought I’d wear a ball gown (he knows me!) and that my mom always dreamed of elaborate white flowers for me.

So before you meet with any vendors, and even before you start getting numbers together to set a budget, dream big! I’ve created a free downloadable workbook for you that’s full of questions and lots of space for you to write down answers, draw or paste pictures; whatever you need to really dig deep and get to the heart of wedding planning.

The workbook below is designed to guide conversations with your fiancé and families. It has plenty of room for notes and cutting and pasting images from magazines or the internet. So please, feel free to get messy with it and get all your thoughts on paper.

We’ve also created a checklist for this Planning Phase that begins upon engagement and generally ends about 6-9 months before the wedding, depending on your timeline. I've aimed to make it comprehensive, but feel free to cross off items that don't apply to you and to add your own to-dos to the list!

Download the Planning Phase resources below:

 

About the Author: Andi Compton is Spoken Bride's Business Director. She is the owner of Now That's a Party where she coordinates weddings, fundraising galas, and social events. Read more

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You Are More Than Your Imperfections.

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CARISSA PLUTA

 

The Garden of Eden was, by no exaggeration, Heaven on earth. It was there in which perfect union between God and man existed and seen clearly in the union of Adam and Eve. But we know how the rest of the story goes: earthly paradise had a traitor in its midst.

Photography: Kassondra Design

Photography: Kassondra Design

The evil one, disguised as the serpent, convinced Eve to eat the fruit of the forbidden tree. He did this, not by forcing her and not because Eve was stupid or weak, but by bringing into question her identity as a daughter of God.

He says to her: ”You will not die. For God knows that when you eat of [the fruit] your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” Eve, feeling lied to by her Heavenly Father, eats the fruit. Because of the voice of the serpent, Eve believes God does not desire her good. Eve eats the fruit because the serpent causes her to question the love God has for her. This questioning causes a rift in the union between God and man, and in turn between Eve and Adam. It is a rift we still often feel the effects of in our own relationships and in our marriages. 

I spent years of high school and college being reminded at various women talks that I am a daughter of God. But perhaps it was the “fluffiness” of the whole thing that stopped me from trying to gain a deep understanding of this knowledge: "You are the daughter of the King. You are a princess!" It’s not that being a princess sounded like such a terrible thing, but it sounded too much like a fairy tale to truly believe.

But I’ve only begun to realize recently that the uncertainty that accompanied my identity made it harder for me to hear God’s voice while the serpent’s voice came more clearly. When we are not grounded in who we are, it is hard to hear anything over the lies, over our insecurities, over our wounds; if you are not a daughter, the serpent says, you are nothing more than your imperfections.

And how often, then, do these falsities creep into our relationships, particularly our relationship with our fiancé or spouse? "I am so stupid; I can’t do anything right. How can he truly love me with all of my imperfections?" Our knowledge of self, the assurance of our identity, has to be the foundation of our relationships and marriages. 

When it is not, we give in more quickly to fear, to anger, to jealousy, and to distrust. We allow our peace to be taken and our relationships to grow a little more chaotic. We are easily annoyed by minor mistakes made or we compare ourselves to others. We are not open to receive love from our husbands, and giving fully of ourselves is made impossible. We eat of the fruit and the unity of our marriage suffers. 

Instead, ask for the graces that are your inheritance and glory in the knowledge that you are a daughter of the King of the Universe.

The Creator who formed the Earth with His hands, who painted the stars we see at night, who breathed life into man. That you are a daughter of the One who calls the sun to rise each morning and set each evening, and the One who commands armies of Angels. That you are a daughter of a Father who created you to love and to be loved by Him, of a Father who suffers alongside his children and who triumphed over death.

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About the Author: About the Author: Carissa Pluta is Spoken Bride’s Editor at Large. She is the author of the blog The Myth Retold. Read more

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Cultivating Inner Beauty During Engagement

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NICOLE M. CARUSO

 

Engagement is a time of expectation and preparation for one of the most important milestones a couple can share: marriage. Amid the checklists and details of wedding planning, it is easy to forget about preparing your heart and mind to be a wife.

As a lover of makeup and beauty products, and as one who knows that within our dignity as women lies the truest, most real beauty, I recommend taking time during your engagement to frequently call to mind that inner worth and radiance. Rather than spending all your time and energy devoted to finding the perfect dress and planning the best reception, take 30 minutes out of each day to cultivate your own inner beauty. Not only will you ready yourself to receive the gift of your husband, but you’ll become ready to be a gift to him as the best version of yourself.

Here are 3 ways to cultivate inner beauty that reinforce good habits and bring about peace of mind and heart.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness, as defined by psychologist and Catholic Mindfulness instructor Dr. Gregory Bottaro, is “non-judgmental awareness of the present moment.” Flowing from one present moment to the next--rather than serious multitasking--reduces anxiety, frustration, second-guessing, and wandering thoughts. In the midst of the biggest pre-wedding crisis, remember that the goal of your wedding is not to throw the best party, but to rejoice in the sacramental grace you will receive.

I was thrown many, many curveballs during our five-month engagement, all of which had me speed-dialing my then-fiancee with hopes of troubleshooting together. The worst one of all was the night before our rehearsal. One of our priests found us decorating the Church Hall and remarked that we had not completed the inventory interview required to go ahead with the wedding.

I panicked. I abandoned my friends to finish decorating the reception space and started down a spiral of anxious thoughts, most of which revolved around the idea that my wedding was going to get cancelled. In reality, our parish was fairly small, our priests were very accommodating, and we got the inventory completed in time for our ceremony. Had I known how to be more mindful, I would have helped finish decorating, laughed a little more about the irony of the whole thing, and not let a little setback steal my joy.

Mindfulness is not about controlling your thoughts or emptying your mind, but allowing thoughts to pass through without reacting. As we practice mindfulness, it is easier to focus and give ourselves more wholly to each moment of the day.

It enables us to form healthy boundaries, make better decisions, and be intentional about how we treat others. Inner beauty beams out of us when we experience inner peace.

Self Care

Self care is the practice of incorporating moments that bring joy into your day; things that express your talents, inspire, and give that inner sigh of peace. More than an indulgence, dedicated “me time” is what you need in that particular moment. During my engagement I found I needed both time alone and social time. For me, there was nothing better than lighting the five candles in my bedroom, listening to jazz, painting my nails, and sketching or editing photos. Yet I also knew I was most energized by meeting friends for coffee, taking a day trip to Manhattan, or going shopping with my sister.

For some, self care can look like spending quality time with dear friends, solo outings to a cafe, reading, writing, creating art, or catching a sunrise. For others, it could be a book club, girls night in, a special treat from the grocery store, or a massage. Whatever is your way to unwind, laugh, or get in touch with what makes you feel like you, make sure to do one thing each day that feeds your mind and body.

Prayer

Prayer is centering. It connects us in conversation with God, consoles us, and inspires us. It reveals to us what is true, what is good, and what is God’s will for our lives. During engagement, it is so important to spend a few moments in prayer each day, hopefully at the same time to make it easier to form a routine. Prayer can start with five things you are grateful for that day, intentions for your future spouse and your relationship, or a guided morning offering from The Magnificat, Blessed is She, or the Laudate app.

My favorite way to pray is in front of the tabernacle. Many nights during my engagement, I walked to the Adoration chapel to say nightly prayers, journal my thoughts, or pray for a special intention that was particularly tugging at my soul. Most of all, I always sat there imagining our lives together, praying for the success of our marriage, and hoping for children. Being there reminded me that my wedding day was not about me, nor any family expectations, but about starting a new family with the grace of God, and following through on his plan for my life, with my future husband at my side.

Finding inner beauty during your engagement requires dedicated time each day. If you’re able, a silent retreat is another way to incorporate mindfulness, self care, and preparing your soul for your wedding day.

The sacrament of marriage presents a husband as a gift to his wife, and a wife as a gift to her husband.

When your husband-to-be sees you walking up the aisle, he will see your beautiful dress and smile, thinking of how incredibly beautiful you are. When he holds your hands in his, gazing into your eyes as you say your vows, he will see the steadfastness of a soul radiating inner beauty as you say, “I do.”

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About the Author: Nicole M. Caruso is a wife, mother, makeup artist, and writer. Formerly the Beauty Editor of Verily Magazine, Nicole now shares her expert style and beauty advice, tips on healthy living, and reflections on marriage and motherhood on her website, where she hopes to inspire women to invest in their self-worth. The New York native now resides in Northern Virginia with her husband and daughter. 

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It's Okay Not to Have a Picture-Perfect Valentine's Day.

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STEPHANIE CALIS

 

From food to emotion to personal interactions, our culture prizes authenticity, even in instances like social media when that same culture places the authentic just out of reach. Yet authenticity does carry real weight when it comes to truth and self-knowledge. Knowing yourself is a way of understanding truth: the more you come to know God, the more he, the source of all truth, reveals you to yourself.

My husband and I have our differences when it comes to special occasions. Until recently, I’d find myself scrambling around at this time of year, trying to think of a creative gift and out-of-the-ordinary date to share with my husband, wanting to share with him something original that I myself would enjoy receiving. That I would enjoy.

In my eagerness, I tended to ignore or forget the fact that my husband simply isn't interested in many bells and whistles. He is quick to communicate his appreciation when I give him a present or propose a different way to spend our time, but I’ve ultimately come to realize those aren’t as meaningful gestures to him as others. Gift-giving is not my husband’s love language, and he is true-blue to his favorite hobbies.

What’s more, even without the threat of a single Instagram post in sight, he sometimes struggles to feel at ease with things that, on the surface, seem more like something fun a couple should do, rather than what they actually want to do. I admit that I used to perceive this as disagreeable, a sentiment purely for the sake of making a statement against the falseness that can accompany social media.  

In reality, the only statement my husband expresses in these preferences is who he is. And who he is is someone I have chosen, someone who fascinates me and about whom I still love learning something new. With time, I have found more and more contentment in our different viewpoints about Valentine’s Day and other celebrations, because joy is a fruit of putting another before yourself.

We have grown in self-knowledge, and from that knowledge flows peace. As a spouse, I’ve grown increasingly aware that the best gestures are the ones that feel most authentically us. It’s my responsibility to honor and fulfill my husband’s preferences when it comes to holidays and celebrations, just as it’s his responsibility to do the same for me. We are specific. We are known. We are loved.

It's an ongoing refinement, and I still struggle. Gift giving is one of my love languages, for instance, and as young parents I truly love the rare opportunities we get to vary our routine with a date night that’s not at home. But now it actually makes me happy not giving my husband extravagant gifts or planning elaborate nights out, choosing to do extra chores around the house and carve out time to spend together instead. In turn, he finds happiness in the occasions where we do go out for something fancier, knowing that I enjoy it.

The more I know and love my husband, the more I know myself.  Our lives are so shared that it doesn't feel possible to know one of us better without knowing the other. I am blessed by a man so intentional and discerning in his choices, and so comfortable and un-self-conscious in them, because that’s who he is. Like in the fact that for one anniversary, we got burritos from Baja Fresh and then stayed home for the night. My husband wrote a beautiful poem that made me cry. I love his quiet creativity and I loved the entire day. There are certainly times I wish we took advantage of more photo ops for our future selves, or that we documented some of the recipes we've tried or places we've gone. But on the whole, this is our life and these are our celebrations, and they feel peaceful and perfectly suited to us because they’ve brought us into deeper knowledge of each other.

And that’s the point. It’s not about whether it’s more praiseworthy to share a quiet Valentine’s date at home or a more photogenic evening out. The best Valentine’s Day for you and your beloved is the one best suited to your particular personalities and love languages. It’s about about how special occasions--and what they look like for each person’s heart--are telling. Revelations. You are specific. You are known. You are loved.

 

About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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Faith, Hope, Love: A Letter From One Bride to Another

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SINIKKA ROHRER

 

Dear Ladies,

As your season of planning comes to a peak, as the stress of family expectations mounts, as your patience with your beloved wears thin, I will be praying for you.

It’s in these small moments and long days that grace really shines. It’s in these stressful situations that you need encouragement to let faith, hope, and love overcome the challenges you face daily.

That said, I pray this letter slows you down, inviting you to think through what it means to look more like Jesus during this season of transition into marriage.

During our own engagement, my husband and I were often distracted by family members' opinions and negotiating costs with vendors. Our hearts were often more turned to take on the world, than to each other or to Christ.

I know you've already heard this, but it's the truth: Your engagement will not last forever. So while you are waiting anxiously for your day, I encourage you to take hold of the excitement and anticipation you and your beloved are experiencing and turn back to Christ, together.

To really see what it looks like to be the new creation he’s called you to be in this season, faith, hope, and love will be your stronghold; will help you balance the load and focus on Christ during this time of purification.

Faith

When my husband Alan and I first got into the thick of wedding planning, our minds were perpetually wrapped in budgets and expectations. One evening, Excel spreadsheets open and calculators in hand, again, I sat contemplating the idea of building our florist a website in exchange for his services, while my husband-to-be relentlessly clicked in search of affordable hotels for our post-reception stay.

Brows furrowed, we barely spoke. After we finally booked a hotel and decided we could spend a bit more for flowers, we stood up. I realized it had been hours since we last did even that! It sunk in that wedding planning had us doing things we hardly cared about, in the only time we had together. My beloved pulled me in for an embrace that almost entirely erased every angry moment, confused look, and hard conversation we'd shared about money that evening. We just were, and in that moment Alan’s love was Christ's; scooping me into his arms, reminding me that I am fully loved and fully enough. Reminding me I can lean into him when things get hard.

Hope

Alan and I spent much of our engagement job hunting. The plan was to graduate, wed, and start working immediately after college. The pressure was on. Alan had a job, but I didn't, which was critical since his opportunity wouldn’t start for 6 months after graduation. So while we planned, I hunted.

In my heart of hearts, I wasn’t sure I'd be able to get a job with the income we needed.

What we did know, though, was that God was trustworthy and that even in all of our efforts, our hearts could rest in the hope that the Lord was the one with the plans. We were just seeing them through.

It was hope in his providence that got me through multiple job applications, wedding planning trips, and networking meetings, to the one company who was ready to hire me immediately and value my potential.

Love

Okay, you say. We know about love. Christ is love. He’s shown us love. It’s both a feeling and an action. We get it.

I know that. But here’s what I hope you'll remember: even when you have the right answers, it doesn’t mean your heart is yet convinced.

The first time we walked into our mentor couple’s house, my fiancé and I held our chins high. I mean, why not? By the standards of our pre-Cana program, our marriage inventory results matched well enough, so we felt good to go. With our walls up, though, our mentors weren't able to see between the lines we were keeping hidden. We didn’t want to get vulnerable or talk about the selfishness both of us knew would be a massive obstacle in our first months of marriage (and it was the hardest obstacle we faced as newlyweds).

Love is so beautiful, and so embodies Christ, yet it’s hard to reflect his love when you’re tired. It’s hard to reflect it when the dishes still aren’t done, when you start to learn each other's' bad habits, and when you both encounter the struggle of self-discipline for the sake of another.

Throughout that first hard year of growth, the Lord saved and mended our hearts time and again. Because of Christ’s love, my husband and I finally started opening our hearts to change together, allowing ourselves to identify what triggers in the world turn our hearts to selfishness.

In this mess of our humanness, my beloved and I have had multiple opportunities to show Christ’s mercy and compassion to each other, and the healing we’ve sought since is starting to make its impact on our selfish hearts.

Love is starting to flow more freely, but not because of us. It's because of Christ in us. It’s Jesus who loves even when we don’t want to. It's his love that sees the goodness, the beauty and the person.

And so…

Let your guard down in mentor meetings. Let your planning dates slip just a bit. Let your heart be molded to enjoy your engagement, instead of to see it as drudgery.

Your day is not about you. Your day is bigger than you. Just as we, the Church, are Christ’s bride, I pray your day glorifies him, reminding all who attend of his great love, great presence, and great grace. I pray your capacity to embody his love increases day by day, that you and your beloved may find solace in the One True King that brought you both together, and that you may have peace in the waiting.
May the Lord give you the grace to allow his perfect faith, hope and love to continue through your engagement, so that the world may see His Face evermore through yours.

Sinikka Rohrer is a daughter of the King, wife of a man she'd only imagined, and lover of waking up quietly. She is the owner of Soul Creations Photography, a business on mission to capture testimonies, encourage hearts, and inspire marriages, and is a Spoken Bride Vendor.

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Elise's Wedding | Two Become One: How to Combine Your Spiritual Lives

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ELISE CRAWFORD

 

SAVE THE DATE ...our Social Media Coordinator, Elise Crawford, is marrying Hunter, her college sweetheart, on August 12, 2017. We're overjoyed for her and are thrilled to share with you a peek into one bride's real-life wedding planning. Over the next year, we'll feature monthly pieces from Elise on marriage prep, choosing wedding details, and her spirituality as a bride-to-be. Join us in praying for Elise and Hunter during this sacred time of anticipation!

Photography by: Meaghan Clare Photography

When Hunter and I met in college, we were both undergoing a deep spiritual renewal in our faith. We were studying theology and philosophy at the Catholic University of America and fell in love with St. Thomas Aquinas, the Patristic Fathers and the wide variety of spirituality possessed by the saints.

My sophomore year, I helped establish a charismatic prayer group at CUA. Hunter attended and became a part of the community. We also had the blessing of living across the street from the John Paul II Shrine and the Dominican House of Studies, which hosted various talks and events. Needless to say, we were both greatly enriched spiritually during our college experience.

As we've moved on from Brookland to graduate school and into our careers, our spiritual lives have continued to develop and change. We've noticed over the last few years that Hunter and I tend towards varying forms of spirituality. I've continued to love charismatic prayer and meet the Lord most deeply when using the gifts of the Holy Spirit. Hunter encounters the Lord through intellectual pursuits and quiet meditation in front of the Blessed Sacrament.

Through the busyness of life in our early twenties, we've had to work through our developing faith practices and decide what they looked like with our changing and filled schedules. It has by no means been easy or perfect, but we've figured out several ways to blend our spiritualities so that we both feel like we are being spiritually fed. Below is a list of steps you and your future (or current!) spouse can take towards building a spiritual practice together that fits both of your personalities and needs. 

Assess Your Own Spirituality.

Our spiritual tendencies change over time. What you once enjoyed a couple of years ago, or even a few months ago, might not be how you encounter Christ now. Through the lay and married vocations, our roles in life are almost constantly changing. You might have taken a new job or become a mother. 

Take some time to evaluate your current spiritual needs: do you have less time for reading than you used to and need something that isn't quite as time-intensive? Have you moved and no longer live as close to an Adoration chapel as you once did? I found that after college I no longer was within my regular charismatic community, so I had to adjust to my circumstances. I became comfortable with praying by myself for shorter periods of time at the beginning of my day and found a group of young adults who occasionally gathered for praise and worship. Before you and your spouse try to combine spiritual practices, first know your own spirituality. 

Discover What's Out There.

There are as many ways that one receives Christ as there are as people on this earth. We each encounter Christ in our own unique hearts in a personal manner. The Rosary and Liturgy of the Hours are incredibly powerful spiritual practices, but there are many others out there as well! You and your spouse could join a lay community, begin the practice of reciting the Divine Mercy Chaplet or discern serving your local parish through volunteering.

Invest time in exploring the possibilities of how you two can practice your faith together. Take a look at your Diocesan website and see if there are groups or events you can attend to meet new people in your surrounding faith community. There's more out there than you think!

Find Spiritual Directors.

It is your responsibility as a fiancée to assist your soon-to-be spouse on his journey to heaven. This means learning of his struggles, joys, best qualities and worst qualities. As much as we are meant to walk alongside our significant other, it's also wise to note that sometimes you both need guidance from an older, more spiritually developed mentor.

Take some time to find individual spiritual direction for the both of you. You can ask a local friary, religious community or your parish, if there is a religious or priest who would be willing to be your spiritual director. Don't be intimidated! Start off by meeting once a month, get to know each other see if you are a good fit, and take it from there.

Learn Where Your Hearts Intersect.

Once you and your fiancé have spent some time getting to know your own spiritual tendencies and where you'd like to improve in your faith life, it's time to see where your spiritualities intersect and differ. Hunter and I joke at times that if we had turned to the religious life instead of married life, I would be a Sister of Life and he would be a Benedictine monk. I'm all about the spirituality of John Paul II, and Hunter loves monastic spirituality. I prefer community prayer, and Hunter likes solitude. However, over the years we've learned that we both love the Liturgy of the Hours and the Rosary. Our prayer life together has also been enriched through prayer over one another, something we do before we part ways. It's a beautiful way to bless your beloved with God's grace and pray for his or her intentions. 

Attend Mass Together.

Of course, attending Mass and receiving the Eucharist together is the most important part of creating a shared spiritual life. Even if you are not able to physically attend Mass together every weekend, there is a unity that you will find with your fiancé in the Eucharist. No matter if your spiritualities are very similar or they differ greatly, the Eucharist is the source and summit of our faith. It's the perfect common ground where you and your fiancé can worship the Lord as a couple and be enriched by his body and blood. Although Hunter and I strive to attend Mass together every Sunday, I always offer the Mass for our relationship and our future marriage even when we aren't able to attend together. 

What about you? Do you and your fiancé have similar spiritualities or are they polar opposites? Are you married and have discovered ways that you and your beloved have connected in your spiritualities?

About the Author: Elise Crawford is Spoken Bride's Social Media Coordinator. She is the owner of Ringlet Studio marketing. Read more

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I Dos and Dont's: Wedding Education for the Modern Bride + Groom | 3 First Steps After Getting Engaged

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ANDI COMPTON

 

Andi Compton, our Public Relations + Vendor Outreach Director, planned her own birthday parties as a girl, spent hours making wedding collages as a teenager, and worked at the largest bridal store on the West Coast during college. She eventually answered the call to turn her organization and creativity into a business, Now That’s a Party, wherein she coordinates weddings primarily for Catholic couples. Over the upcoming months, Andi will be here to guide you through your planning and share her insights from the wedding industry, from engagement all the way through newlywed life.

So you've given your Yes, your fiat, to your beloved. You may have a million ideas going through your mind, you might have no idea what you're supposed to do to plan a wedding, or you might be somewhere in between. Here's a game plan to give you some direction during these first weeks and months as a bride-to-be.

Instead of creating a timeline based on a calendar, I like to divide wedding planning into phases: Engagement, Planning, Booking, Details, The Month Of, and After the Wedding. Today, I’ll start this series with first steps to take after getting engaged; simple but significant, practical ways to soak in this precious time and prepare for the months ahead.

Pray.

Stop and thank God for the incredible gift of your fiance and for your call to the vocation of marriage. A list of prayers and patrons for your engagement can be found here. Another way to bring Christ to the center of your engagement is to consider holding a formal betrothal ceremony at your Parish.

Tell the world!

First, immediate family and friends are sometimes right there during or right after your proposal, but if not, they’ll be delighted to hear the good news directly from you.

Second, snap a picture and share the news on social media! Tag us with #SBHowHeAsked and #SpokenBride so we can share in your joy!

Third, some families like to send formal announcements, often with a photo. If that’s your plan, either have a friend or your wedding photographer take engagement pictures and order your cards. Another tradition that makes for a special keepsake is a newspaper announcement. Traditionally, these are published in the bride’s hometown paper. Other options include making a print announcement via the groom's family or in publications from your current town or your alma mater.

Meet the Parents.

If your parents aren't already acquainted, this is the perfect time for them to meet--they could all end up grandparents to your children one day! A face-to-face meeting or family meal is ideal, but if that’s logistically impossible, ensure everyone has contact information (names, addresses, emails, phone numbers) and try to set up a video chat so they can get to know one another.

Some couples opt to celebrate their engagement with a quiet picnic or dinner, just the two of them, and some with opulent engagement parties. No matter how you choose to remember the start of this time in your life, know we’re overjoyed for you and hold you in prayer every day.

Even as you enter into these next months of intense planning and spiritual preparation, know that it’s perfectly alright--important even--to just stop and savor this short season of engagement with joyful anticipation before diving in. Even the shortest of engagements benefits from a few days of rest, peace, and celebration.

We love hearing your stories and praying for you by name! If you’re newly engaged, introduce yourself in the comments or on social media. And tell us, how did you celebrate your engagement?

About the Author: Andi Compton is Spoken Bride's Business Director. She is the owner of Now That's a Party where she coordinates weddings, fundraising galas, and social events. Read more

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Why I'm Getting Married Even Though I'm Not "Ready."

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BROOKE PARIS

 

My fiance and I became best friends at thirteen, started dating at sixteen, and got engaged five and a half years later at twenty-one. Before the end of high school, both of us knew we had found our future spouse. Though our relationship has personally lacked the nervous, exciting buildup of certainty that often develops over time, and, for better or worse, the shock that sometimes accompanies a marriage proposal, it has had a constant steadiness and unceasing faithfulness.

We've grown overwhelmingly in our commitment to the good of the other and in our desire to have a holy relationship. One year into our relationship, we were already talking about what we could do to grow into the best husband or wife for each other. We talked about what our long term life goals were, what we sought in for our future family life and faith, and how we best give and receive love. Then we talked about how we could take practical steps to help prepare us for that life. 

Along the way, though, we realized we couldn't focus solely on the future. Rather, we had to focus on being present in a way that would help us be the man and woman God was asking us to be right then.

Somewhere along the line I inadvertently ruled out engagement as a serious opportunity for growth. I must have tricked myself into thinking that since my now-fiance and I had spent so many years distantly preparing for marriage, by time we got engaged we would be ready. Plain and simple; ready to get married tomorrow.

But shortly after saying Yes to forever, I had the scary revelation that I didn't think we were ready. The steadiness that I'd felt all along seemed to falter within me.

I looked at the current state of our relationship and concluded we still had struggles that I thought we would have resolved by this point.  I told my fiance my fears. He said, "We have one year till we're standing in front of the altar, which means I have one year to become more of the man you need me to be and the man God is calling me to be. Trust me that in this year I can work toward being the husband you deserve."

This may seem like it was all his fault, or that he's the sole reason I had fears, which is not the case. He is just more more humble than I am and always much better at realizing his areas of growth (I'm quite the stubborn person).

He taught me three things that day:

Being 100% ready isn't actually the most important factor in getting engaged.

Rather, being 100% committed to the good of your future spouse and future family--and moreover, being 100% dependent on the ways God’s grace will work in your heart--is what matters.

There is no specific level of readiness that qualifies you as ready to get engaged; no exact standard you must reach or boxes you must check that gets you to a magical place where you may definitively state, "I am absolutely ready and we may now get engaged and then married."

Obviously there are some signs and markers that reflect a strong, healthy, and holy relationship, and those are extremely important. But what I'm saying is that even the best relationship still isn't perfect. And because we are imperfect beings our relationships will always have room for growth and improvement. The best relationship, instead, will be the one that relies not on the strength and goodness of the individuals, but on God: the source of love and all good things.

Engagement isn't just a countdown.

I don't know when I got it in my head that engagement wouldn't be that different from dating. I used to think it was simply a matter of publicly, rather than quietly, preparing for marriage. But I have realized I was so wrong.

It is here, during engagement, that you take concrete steps to learn about your vocation and form your life in a way that will prepare you for it. Moreover, it is a time specifically set aside to talk to other married couples and families; to sit at their feet and learn from their firsthand witness about the life you're about to enter into. 

Even when I stand in front of the altar and profess my vows, I will still not be completely ready for my vocation.

Marriage is not about being perfect. Marriage is about becoming evermore who God has made us to be, together, throughout a lifetime.

Marriage is about helping one another become the best versions of ourselves. It is about the constant struggle and beauty that comes in helping each walk towards heaven. Marriage is sanctifying.

I've learned firsthand in these last months that preparing for marriage, and marriage itself, is hard. When I profess my wedding vows I will be committing myself to a lifetime of hard and sanctifying work, and that is a beautiful thing.

I can't wait to marry my fiance, but it is not because he is perfect, or that we are 100% compatible, or that everything is always wonderful.

It is because for the past six years I have loved watching him grow into the man he is today, and I can't wait to be by his side as I watch him continue becoming the loving, strong, and faithful man I know he is destined to be.

I’ve been praying, ever since we had this conversation, that I might have the same eagerness to let God change me that my fiance has.  My prayer is that every day from now until the day we are standing at the altar, he will open my own heart to the beauty and sanctification that is the fruit of a demanding love.

Before, our differences scared me. But now they challenge me.

I see every difference, every fault, every failing we may have as a challenge to love deeper, to love better, and to not shy away from the transforming work that love demands. I’ve felt God call me, over the past few months, to step out of the desire I have for things to fit perfectly together, and to fall more in love with the beautiful messiness that comes from two flawed human beings attempting to love as God loves.

I know God is continuing to work on my heart, to form me into the woman he has called me to be, and I pray that as my fiance walks this journey with me, he’ll not only fall more in love with me, but through me will see an ever-clearer picture of God’s faithfulness and love for us.

About the Author: Brooke Paris Foley married her high school sweetheart on June 30, 2017. They both credit Mama Mary and Saint Pope John Paul II for leading them to their vocation. Brooke loves Theology of the Body, Southern cities and food, and wineries and rooftop bars.

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