5 Bridesmaids' Retailers Outside the Bridal Salon Box

There is something radiantly, visibly evident and set apart at the nuptial Mass of a holy, pure-hearted couple, one who understands and embraces taking up the crosses and sweetnesses of marriage. Authentic love has the power to render wedding guests speechless and full of true joy.

When you’ve chosen women of faith and selflessness to stand beside you at the altar, you can be sure their spiritual intercession and ability to enter into your joy will bless your marriage. Being able to share in a friend’s emotional state so deeply is a mark of real friendship and intimacy that tangibly enhances the beauty of a couple’s wedding day.

Elizabeth M Photography

It follows that when it comes to your bridesmaids’ attire, you’ll most likely desire an outward look that magnifies and highlights each woman’s inner beauty. If you’re beginning your search for dresses, we’d like to suggest a few paths less traveled.

Here’s a semi-secret of the wedding industry: bridesmaids’ dresses get a significant markup at bridal shops. Fortunately, alternatives to traditional bridal retailers not only offer an opportunity to save your best ladies some cash, but one to find attire that truly suits your style.  Here, five non-bridal brands with wide and beautiful selections, with plenty under $100:

For everyone: Nordstrom Juniors

As a department store, Nordstrom naturally has pieces to suit any taste, including youthful, elegant Juniors’ formal wear, as well as simpler day and evening dresses, at far lower prices than the designer-heavy Women’s department, and in a wide range of sizes.

If your style is bohemian: Francesca’s Collections

Maybe you’ve shopped here before or have browsed Francesca’s at the mall. The feminine, delicate styles here would fit right in at a casually romantic daytime wedding: lace, embroidery, and a selection of soft colors. They also carry gorgeous jewelry and accessories for your bridesmaids...and for you, the bride!

If you love styles with a nod to the past: Shabby Apple

Featuring different collections that each invoke a particular time and place--Old Hollywood, for instance, or tailored Mad Men-style silhouettes--Shabby Apple’s beautiful dresses have a vintage sensibility that’s never costumey or overdone, just pretty. The company recently expanded from its origins as a small business, maintaining along the way its inspiring mission to dress women with feminine strength “Because they are beautiful. Because they are powerful. Because they have unique distinctions. Because they can use that power and beauty to shape and change the world in individual ways. Because they have always contributed.”

If you like the classics: Dorothy Perkins

The Dorothy Perkins brand might best be described as Red-era Taylor Swift : a little bit classic, a little bit preppy, lots of florals, looks good with red lips. This online retailer offers dozens of styles with one of the widest size ranges available and also offers maternity versions of their popular dresses, both of which get our applause.

If you’re a minimalist: Zara

You’ve probably shopped here, too. Zara’s neutral palette and elegant, spare silhouettes are worth a look if you’ve chosen dark wedding colors (particularly black) and are drawn to a clean, simple aesthetic. Alternatively, their distinctively bold, bright floral patterns would be well-suited to a daytime celebration.

If your wedding is months away, consider shopping for dresses during or right after the season in which your big day will take place. That is, look around for summer wedding dresses in the summer, and winter wedding dresses in the winter; since most non-bridal retailers don’t offer the same selections or types of clothes year-round, it’s smart to plan ahead. Consider these suggestions a starting point for venturing beyond the bridal salon, and if you’ve found beautiful wedding party attire from a less conventional retailer, be sure to share it with our community in the comments or on our social media!

Navigating Emotional Intimacy During Engagement

STEPHANIE CALIS

People laugh when he tells them, but the anxiety my husband felt the night he proposed to me, lying awake in my parents basement and wondering, What exactly did we just commit to? was genuine. With a ring on my finger after only a year of friendship that included eight months of dating, our relationship was graced with so many moments of clarity, wonder, and certainty from the Holy Spirit prior to our engagement. There was zero doubt in our minds that our lives’ vocations were to lead each other to heaven in marriage. But simply because such little time had passed, so much of who we were remained a mystery to one another.

We knew each other’s lives and stories in broad strokes, but not all of the more subtle memories and experiences that naturally come to light over a longer period of friendship. We’d watched an episode of The Office on one of our first dates, where I’d tried to minimize my laughter during the more inappropriate moments (if I’d been brave enough to glance over, I would've seen him doing the same thing). So far, we’d pretty much kept all potentially embarrassing bodily functions to ourselves. The questions hung in the air, circling through my husband’s mind that night--an instance he recognizes in hindsight as a spiritual attack: how deeply did we really know each other? Enough to promise and step forward toward a real life together? When would it be okay to reveal our less polite weaknesses and, moreover, our deepest faults?

Regardless of whether your fiancé is someone you’ve known for years or if, like me, you’ve only been in each other’s lives for a short time, these questions of knowledge and emotional intimacy might have arisen in your own heart. As you navigate the first weeks and months of engagement and their accompanying sense of gravity and deeper permanence in your relationship (particularly if you’ve chosen to have a betrothal ceremony), you might notice there’s a real, yet undefinable difference between dating and engagement that goes beyond just wedding plans. To the surprise of this girl who loves the challenge of finding the right word for the right moment and right feeling, I wished so often to be able to easily identify what set our engagement apart into a simple word or two, yet it wasn’t so easy to do that.

In turn, I encourage you not to rush to name or identify exactly what that difference is in your own relationship. Instead, press into total trust and surrender in the Father’s will for the two of you, at this particular time. But, knowing something new about your relationship is distinct from knowing something new about the man you’ll marry. These months of preparation, with their inherent nature of more time spent together, increased decision-making, and formal marriage prep, are a time of deeper self-knowledge and self-revelation. Here, a few points to consider in letting your emotional intimacy develop naturally as you and your beloved prepare to approach the altar.

Even on your busiest days, spend time in quality conversation.

Engaged couples are frequently advised to keep their marriage in mind, not just their wedding days. I encourage you to take this wisdom a step further: rather than solely looking to the future, be mindful of a sense of presence in your right-now, particularly in your everyday conversation. Discovering something new about a loved one is one of the human heart’s greatest delights. Set apart periodic dates to take the night off from wedding talk, challenge each other to tell a story the other has never heard before, or flip through a question and answer book like 101 Conversation Starters for Couples by Gary Chapman, author of The 5 Love Languages.

Be at peace with topics you don’t see eye-to-eye on.

I vividly remember one late-night trip from my parents’ house back to my apartment in another city, the whole drive of which my husband and I spent on the phone, arguing about capitalism. Spirited debates like this one, involving some degree of passion and obstinacy but that don’t flip your world on its axis, don’t mean you’re incompatible, just that you are, in fact, two unique persons with distinctive viewpoints. As for issues that do directly affect your relationship and life together--for me, the avenue my husband and I will choose for our children’s education comes to mind--know that it’s alright to table certain topics until they’re more relevant to the season you’re in. And, perhaps like me, you’ll be surprised to find down the road that viewpoints the two of you previously differed on might have become more similar with time.

Be prudent, yet vulnerable, in revealing more of yourselves.

Part of what makes love so intoxicating is the joy of being seen, known, understood. It’s natural that as you and your beloved draw closer to the sacrament of marriage, the desire to know and be known only increases. While it’s important to share things like long-time sins or other concerns that could affect your marriage in a healthy way--i.e. in a way that isn’t done simply for the sake of growing closer, but for the sake of honesty, accountability, and calling one another on--it’s equally important to trust in your spouse-to-be’s love for you. Imperfection is our reality, but with God’s help, total forgiveness, acceptance, and encouragement are possible. Self-revelatory conversations like these often come up naturally, but if there’s a particular issue one of you intentionally desires to keep hidden, a deeper wound might need addressing. Seek pastoral or professional help in bringing up this matter with your intended. Admitting your weakness is so scary, but strengthens your marriage even before it starts. On that note…

Consider counseling or therapy as a supplement to your marriage prep.

If, in your past, one or both of you has experienced issues like abuse, mental health troubles, addictions, or destructive behavior, rest in knowing the Father’s mercy and healing never, ever run dry, even when healing is painful. Issues like these can greatly benefit from therapy or counseling as you prepare for marriage; find Associate Editor Christina Dehan Jaloway’s advice on and experience with pre-marital counseling here.

Above all else as your emotional bond deepens during engagement, remember that regardless of how well you know the smallest details and intricacies of your beloved, love remains a choice. During our marriage prep, our mentor couple told my husband and I that it’s impossible to ever fully know another person’s soul. They’re right, and that’s not a bad thing! What a gift we’re given in marriage to continually glimpse the reality of another, as he is, more fully, and to accept God’s invitation to love as he does.

Images by Red Fern Photography.

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About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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A Catholic Approach to Fitness for Brides with Personal Trainer Jordan Fiske

CHRISTINA DEHAN JALOWAY

In our current wedding culture, many brides feel pressured to go on extreme diets or sign up for boot camp in order to look a certain way or fit a particular style of dress. Not surprisingly, this pressure can cause undue stress during an already stressful time in a woman's life, and may lead to physical and emotional health issues. If you're currently feeling this pressure, or know a bride-to-be who is, Jordan Fiske, a certified personal trainer and founder of Catholic Fitness Training, can help reframe your fitness goals in a healthy, Christ-centered way. I recently had the opportunity to interview Jordan, and I think what he has to share will bless and encourage all women in their health and fitness journeys. 

What inspired you to start Catholic Fitness Training?

My inspiration to start Catholic Fitness Training began as my wife and I were preparing for marriage in November of 2016. My goal was to be more fit and lose some weight before the wedding. Each time I would run, I would pray the Jesus prayer, "Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner." Over time, I grew to look forward to this time of not just exercise, but prayer as well. I have also grown to love St. Pope John Paul II's Theology of the Body over the last couple of years. St. John Paul II's case for the value and meaning of the human body, which is made in the image and likeness of God, has me convinced that we should treat our bodies as gifts from God.

As a certified Personal Trainer since 2011, I know how common exercise relapse is, especially when setting a short term goal like getting fit for a wedding, vacation, or bathing suit season. Once the event or season is over, it's easy to fall back into our old ways in terms of nutrition and fitness. With Catholic Fitness Training, I want to encourage Catholics to find lifelong motivation to care for their bodies and look beyond those short term goals.

For many Americans, fitness is more about achieving a certain "look" than it is about health. Do you think Catholics ought to approach fitness differently than the wider culture? If so, how?

If Catholics don't approach fitness differently than our culture does, then we are failing our culture. A cursory look at many of the top fitness Instagram accounts reveals an exercise culture that is obsessed with the ability to wear as little clothing as possible--regardless of the damage that may be done to both body and soul. Our culture sets an unrealistic and often extremely unhealthy standard for what it means to be fit.

I would encourage everyone looking to achieve a certain look to go beyond the surface and strive for the interior benefits of nutrition and exercise. A good workout regimen has numerous physiological benefits, such as improvement of mood, increase in energy, and a stronger immune system. When exercise is sustained over a long period of time, these benefits are often more dramatic. These benefits of exercise, in my opinion, are far more important than the visible changes in body composition.

On a spiritual level, consistent exercise and healthy eating can help us develop the kind of discipline we need for other areas of life, including prayer.  

What would you tell a bride-to-be who is anxious about the number on the scale as her wedding approaches, and might be tempted to do a fad diet or over-exert herself with a workout routine she's not ready for?

My advice to a bride-to-be is if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. The reality is being healthy and achieving your fitness goals takes hard work and time. Start several months prior to your wedding, and make sure your regimen is a balance of cardio and resistance exercises.  

Remember: muscle weighs more than fat, so don't worry about the numbers on a scale. If you want to weigh yourself, I recommend limiting weigh-ins to once a week; a healthy number of pounds to lose is typically .5 - 2 pounds per week. Don't buy into the latest trends advertising anything different, because they aren't healthy or sustainable; these are just money-making schemes and are not healthy or effective.  

A note on strength training: many women mistakenly believe that lifting weights will make them "look like a man." This is simply false. It would take years of intense training (along with hormonal supplements) for the average woman to get bulky from weight lifting.

What advice do you have for women who would like to be in better shape and improve their health but don't know where to start?

Getting in better shape and improving your health is 80% behavior and 20% head knowledge. Below are five steps to help change your behavior: 

1. Download the My Fitness Pal app (it's free!). This app will help you track your diet, exercise, and manage your caloric expenditure.

2. Create SMART goals related to fitness and nutrition and write them down in a location that you will see every day.

3. Be accountable. Whether you check in with a personal trainer, workout partner, or exercise community, accountability is crucial to keep you motivated. Catholics are all called to communion with each other, so it is always good to have someone informed about your goals to help keep you motivated.

4. Just go for it. It doesn't matter if you can only jog for 5 minutes or do 3 push-ups your first time exercising, just keep on increasing your work form the prior day. Don't let yourself or anyone else discourage you from your goals.

5. Offer each workout as a prayer. We all know the phrase "offer it up," which is a reference to Colossians 1:24. If you offer your workout as a prayer for a particular intention, you can tap into the benefits of Christ's redemptive suffering. 

What's your #1 spiritual takeaway from your work as a personal trainer?

The body is so much more than physiological processes; it is sacramental. In one of St. John Paul II's addresses on the Theology of the Body, he states that, "The sacrament or sacramentality- in the most general sense of this term- intersects with the body and presupposes the 'theology of the body'... In some way, therefore- even if in the most general way, the body enters in to the definition of sacrament, which is 'a visible sign of an invisible reality,' namely, of the spiritual, transcendent, and divine reality."

Jordan Fiske is an online and in-person trainer who is a certified Supervised Personal Trainer and Group Trainer. He teaches a wide variety of fitness classes, including kettlebell, athletic conditioning, and bootcamps. He's also a graduate student in theology at John Paul the Great Catholic University. For more information about Jordan's ministry at Catholic Fitness Training, daily motivation, or articles on the intersection between faith and fitness, head to their website, Instagram, or Facebook page. 

The Embodiment of a Bride: A Reflection for the Feast of the Assumption

STEPHANIE CALIS

As I’ve grown into my vocation through its seasons of engagement, marriage, and motherhood, wearing these roles lightly at first, like a new sweater, until they become familiar--if not at all times comfortable--Our Lady has frequently been at the center of my prayer life. As daughter, spouse, and mother, she’s our ideal of earthly perfection.

Rae and Michael Photography

And make no mistake; Mary’s perfection, her identity on the whole, is an inspiration to contemplate. Yet often, I find myself wondering what individual personality traits and quirks of character lay beneath the pious images and titles. I wonder what her daily life was like in Nazareth: What were Our Lady's hobbies? Were Mary and Joseph ever bothered by each other, and did they simply ignore bad habits or correct them with perfect charity in their sanctity? What sweet rituals and traditions did the Holy Family have? Did Jesus have tantrums as a toddler?

I think the reason so many questions about Our Lady’s unique heart, particularly on this day of her Assumption into heaven, arise in my own is that on some level I want to identify ever more with her in our shared roles as wives and mothers. While I’m more than aware how short I fall of Mary’s flawless obedience and purity of intention, beholding her as an ideal stands as a constant reminder to me of what I’ve promised in my wedding vows. She is a tangible, human example, an embodied woman whose body was received into the heavenly banquet on this day. What joy must have resounded through the heavens in her reunion, for all eternity, with her beloved son and husband.

Throughout engagement, and on through my days navigating newlywed life and new parenthood, I’ve grown so aware of how easy it is to believe the enemy’s lies that I’m not good enough; not as a bride, not as a wife, not as a mother. I say this to you as much as I say it to myself:

Look to Our Lady as a stronghold of truth; the truth of who you are and who you were created to be.

In her Yes to bearing the Son of God, Mary redeems each of us, and perhaps redeems us as women in a particular way. Eve’s giving in to the first lie--the possibility that God might not be enough to satisfy, that we ourselves might not be enough for him--is turned on its head in Our Lady’s humble fiat, the freely given surrender of her will out of complete trust in the Father. She desires only what is of God, who is truth himself.

What fruits, then, can you gain from this joyful feast, specifically in your identity as a bride? Again, for me, Mary’s bodiliness comes to mind. Her body and soul were seamlessly integrated, without the shadow of sin, in such a way that she is the total embodiment of beauty, of obedience, of faith.

Pray about ways you might put yourself, body and soul, at the service of love, in a way that befits your current state (engaged, married, or as a mother): through physical affection for your fiancée, husband, or children, offering chronic or temporary pain or health issues for the intentions of your beloved or your wedding guests, through embracing late-night wake-ups with an infant. Know and believe that you are enough. When it gets hard to believe, fix your eyes on our heavenly mother, our sister. You are a gift. From me to you, Happy Feast Day.

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About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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Classy and Unconventional Bridal Shower Themes

CHRISTINA DEHAN JALOWAY

Bridal showers are a wonderful opportunity for your friends and family to celebrate your upcoming nuptials in a more intimate, laid back environment. Unfortunately, bridal showers have the reputation for being stuffy, boring, and awkward. Chances are, you’ve been to a bridal shower (or two) where the conversation was stilted, the gift-opening took hours (or at least seemed like it), and neither the bride nor the guests had a fun time. I know I have.

What is a bride-to-be to do? You’re not in charge of planning your showers, but you will typically have some input in the process. If your bridesmaids, siblings, family friends, or extended family approach you and ask to throw you a shower, you have the opportunity to steer the party planners in a direction that both you and your guests will enjoy. If they ask, feel free to suggest themes, games, and even a location; chances are, your hostesses will appreciate the help!

What should you and your hostesses consider when planning a bridal shower? 

The Bride’s Personality

If you’re an extrovert, chances are you’re totally up for being the center of attention at your shower, won’t mind opening up your gifts in front of everyone, and/or playing games that involve lots of mingling. These same scenarios may be a nightmare for the introverted bride (or introverted guests). While it’s impossible to accommodate everyone’s personality at any party, the bride’s should certainly be taken into consideration during the planning process.

Note: if you want to avoid the gift-opening spotlight, consider asking guests to bring their gifts unwrapped. That way, everyone can see the presents and you can thank your guests for them without having to spend the majority of the party unwrapping gifts.

Guest List

Will all or most of the guests know each other? Will it be women only or co-ed? Are most of the guests the bride’s age or will there be guests of all ages in attendance? How many guests will be invited? The answers to these questions will directly impact the theme, so it's important to nail the guest list down before moving forward.

Theme

This is the fun part, and thankfully, these days there are more options than just sitting around with cake, punch, and a pile of presents. Since I’ve only been able to give input for my bridal showers (one was a wine-tasting shower and one was household themed), I asked Facebook friends to share their favorite themes and shower games, some of which are quoted below.

Tasting Theme: Are you a coffee or tea lover? Chocolate connoisseur? Is wine or beer tasting a favorite pastime of yours? A tasting party gives everyone at the shower something to enjoy--and takes the focus off of the bride if she’s introverted. Plus, it gives guests an opportunity to help the soon-to-be-married couple stock their bar or build their fancy tea/coffee collection.

“We set out cheeses, crackers, fruit etc...and paired the cheeses with wines. People could move around from table to table, tasting the pairings. We also did a little game, where people could guess what variety of wine was paired with each cheese (we covered the labels on the bottles so people couldn't cheat).” -Laurie

Honeymoon/travel theme: If you and your fiancé care more about having an exotic honeymoon than getting everything on your kitchen registry, consider a honeymoon or travel themed bridal shower. Honeymoon registries abound these days, and it’s simple to request on the invitation that guests contribute to the honeymoon fund instead of bringing a gift. Also: the decor, food, and even games can be centered around the honeymoon destination, which makes planning a breeze.

Game/activity idea: The Newlywed Game! My sister and I both played this at our bridal showers, and it was one of the best parts by far. The hostesses emailed the grooms-to-be questions about us, which they filmed themselves answering on their phones, and then sent back to the hostesses. We all watched the guys’ answers (which ranged from hilarious to heartwarming) on a big screen and compared them to the brides’ answers.

Adventure theme: If you’re the sporty type (and your guests are too), consider going on a hike or kayaking trip instead of having a traditional shower. Guests can be encouraged to purchase you and your fiancé outdoor and sporting goods off of your registry, and the hostesses can pack snacks and a bottle of bubbly for the end of the outing.

Game/activity idea: Since this type of shower is ideal for a smaller group, each guest could share a favorite memory with the bride, give an affirmation, or pray a blessing over her.

Literature or film theme: Are you a Janeite? Obsessed with Harry Potter? Have you always dreamed of having an Anne of Green Gables style tea party, complete with raspberry cordial (or currant wine)? Your bridal shower is a wonderful opportunity to make that dream come true.

“My bridesmaids had my shower at a tea house. We had a tea party and played a literary guessing game based on my favorite books. Tea, catching up with friends, and not being up on display was a dream for this socially anxious introvert!” -LeAnna

“I'm an insane fan of everything Nancy Drew. She was my favorite book character growing up, and I love how classy, smart, vintage, and strong she is about everything! My maid of honor is planning a vintage, Nancy Drew themed bridal shower where you have to come dressed up in classic Nancy Drew attire and all the guests are part of a mystery. Bless her for being willing to put so much time and effort into it.”-Mariah

Cooking/Baking Theme: If you love to cook or bake, why not share that passion with your guests? If you have a small enough guest list, the possibilities are endless: a group cooking class, gathering at a hostess' house and baking your own desserts, or even a potluck shower where each guest brings her favorite dish (along with a recipe card) are all great ideas.

Game/activity: Have each guest bring a recipe card and compile them all in a cute box for the newlyweds to use. One bride had a “spice shower” where each guest brought a spice or baking item and she had to try to bake a cake with the new items without looking at a recipe.

Open House Shower: This is ideal if you are planning a hometown wedding while living out of state and have limited time to spend with family and friends from home:

“For my sister we had an open house! She was out of state and everyone wanted to talk to her and catch up, which is really hard at a formal shower. It was in a home and each room had something different: food in one place, a "game" (a collaborative gift for my sister) was in another room, and my sister was in an large open space where she sat with people and opened their gifts as they came in. People stayed and sat and talked, but could come and go.” -Katie

Games and Activities: Have guests write down a piece of advice for the couple on a notecard as they walk in, and collect them all at the end for the bride to take with her.

”My matron of honor bought a Bible and asked everyone to underline a verse that had significance for them and then sign their name so I would keep them in my prayers as I was reading Scripture.” -Maggie

If you're in the bridal shower planning stages currently, I hope this list is helpful for you and the hostesses. If you've already had your showers and enjoyed them, or have planned bridal showers in the past, please share any advice you have regarding themes or games in the comments! 

About the Author: Christina Dehan Jaloway is Spoken Bride's Associate Editor. She is the author of the blog The Evangelista. Read more

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Prayer Books for Brides

MAGGIE STRICKLAND

During my first year of graduate school and teaching in Charleston, South Carolina, my friends and I would meet several times a week for daily Mass, and then, if our work or class schedules permitted, have coffee or breakfast together. Though we routinely attended the same Bible study each week, the morning Mass group was much more free-form, and the days we went varied week to week. Like everyone else in the group, I was single, and had a vibrant spiritual life because I had a great deal of time to spend in prayer, both in and out of church.

I moved back to my hometown shortly before meeting my husband. Though there was a strong young adult group there too, we were less involved in community as he did his dissertation research. We married just over a year after we met.

Our prayer life together has always been strong, but after marriage I started feeling nostalgic for the girl I had been in Charleston, the one who nurtured her prayer life so thoroughly.

I had been so used to the spontaneity of my personal spiritual life that I wasn’t sure what to do now that I had a spouse to consider, as well.

Ever the English major, I turned to several books to help me balance prayer and work as a newly married woman. They continue to hold valued spots on my bookshelf.

In those early months of our marriage, my husband worked seven days a week to finish his dissertation. Sometimes I felt guilty about the nights I spent proofreading for him instead of going to Wednesday night Mass or Bible study with the young adult group. My perspective started to shift, though, after reading Dom Hubert van Zeller’s Holiness for Housewives (and Other Working Women) and St. Francis de Sales’ Introduction to the Devout Life.

Holiness for Housewives encourages married women to cultivate an attitude of prayer, one that pervades all aspects of life in our domestic churches. van Zeller points out that everything we do can become a prayer if we align our wills to God’s will and strive to do what he calls us to in each moment. For me, in that busy dissertation season, that meant a lot of proofreading. Even when I didn’t want to give up my leisure to help my husband with his work, doing so became a prayer out of love for and obedience to the God who has called me to marriage. The book is rather general, though, so when I wanted specific practical advice, I turned to de Sales.

Because the chapters in the Introduction are short, I didn’t have to devote a great deal of time to reading, yet still gleaned rich practical steps to help me incorporate active prayer into my daily life, such as St. Francis’ method  for morning prayer. One of the key aspects he describes is to “anticipate what tasks, transactions, and occasions for serving God you may meet on this day and to what temptations of offending him you will be exposed.” Using this method helps me keep sight of God’s will as I’m going through my day, having made my to-do list prayerfully.

As I learned what prayer and work looked like for me as a married woman, I realized part of my initial struggle was rooted in only thinking of myself in terms of my vocation.

I’d been seeing myself as more of a wife than as a daughter of God. I had wanted to get married for so long that when I did, I got distracted by my excitement over the reality of marriage. I needed to remember that the love I felt for my husband, and his for me, was rooted in divine love.

Recognizing this, during Lent of my first year of marriage I revisited I Believe in Love: A Personal Retreat Based on the Teaching of St. Therese of Lisieux, a gift from my college spiritual director. Accordingly, I spent those 40 days--which began just a few weeks after our wedding--meditating on the fact that I was loved first and best by God, and that growing in my love for him meant I could love my spouse and fulfill my married vocation better.

St. Francis de Sales says,“Wherever we may be, we can and should aspire to a perfect life.” My prayer life looks different now from when I was single, and it will change again when, God willing, we have children. The wisdom of these authors has encouraged me to listen continuously for how God is calling me, in this moment, to pursue holiness.

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About the Author: Maggie Strickland has loved reading and writing stories since her earliest memory. An English teacher by training and an avid reader by avocation, she now spends her days reading, writing, and volunteering in her community, trying to make her part of the world a little more beautiful. She and her husband are originally from the Carolinas, but now make their home in central Pennsylvania.

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What to Do if You're Nervous about the Wedding Night

CHRISTINA DEHAN JALOWAY 

Real talk: one of the things I was most stressed about during my engagement was the wedding night. While I was thankful that Kristian and I had (by the grace of God and the virtue of chastity) saved sex for marriage, I was also freaked out by the fact that in a few short months, I would finally be giving myself, body and soul, to the man I love.

I realize now that so many of my nerves were completely normal, and that most women (and men) who wait to make love until their wedding night have a similar experience. We all want our first night as a married couple to be beautiful and romantic and intimate...but what if it isn’t? What if it’s awkward, uncomfortable, or even physically painful?

To some extent, it’s impossible to dispel all of the pre-wedding night jitters. Even laid-back brides find that their wedding day can be emotionally exhausting (in a good way), and the pressure to have the perfect wedding night can seem overwhelming. But it doesn’t have to be!

The Lord created us in such a way that sexual union between husband and wife naturally unfolds (yes, even the first time), and he established marriage as a lifelong union between spouses, meaning that your first time together on the wedding night is only the beginning of a lifetime of learning to love each other in this intimate way.

Hopefully, you have a married woman (or two) in your life who will help assuage any irrational fears you may have about the wedding night, but if you don’t (or are just too shy to ask), here are a few tips I found helpful:

Photography: Avenue Creative

Ask your fiancé to prepare in advance.

It’s no secret that men and women have different needs when it comes to foreplay and making love, but your husband-to-be may need to get some pointers from married friends (preferably Catholic ones) on how to best navigate these differences. The more he knows about how women work, the more smoothly your wedding night will go.

Relaxation is key.

At the end of your wedding day, you will probably be a strange mix of totally wired and completely exhausted. Regardless of where you are on the emotional spectrum, there’s a good chance you will need some relaxation time before you’re ready to make love. Talk to your fiancé about this before your wedding so that he’ll be prepared to wait a bit longer, and have some relaxation supplies (champagne, bubble bath, massage oils) ready at the honeymoon suite.   The more relaxed you are, the more enjoyable (physically and emotionally) love-making will be.

Pray beforehand.

It doesn’t have to be long and drawn out, but a simple, heartfelt prayer asking the Lord to bless your first night together will bring peace to both of your hearts and prepare you spiritually to consummate your marriage. If you're at a loss for words, consider making Tobias and Sarah's prayer (Tobit 8:4-8) your own. 

Talk honestly and openly about your experience the next morning.

The only way a couple can grow together sexually is by openly communicating their needs to one another. As awkward as it may feel at first, talking about your love making is essential to establishing a healthy, happy, mutually satisfying marital life together.

Don’t be afraid to wait a day (or two).

One of the reasons why so many women are nervous about the wedding night is because they have it in their heads that they must have incredible sex with their husbands on the first night of their marriage...or else. That’s simply not the case! Some couples decide to wait until the next morning so that they are more rested. Some are practicing NFP to avoid pregnancy and choose to delay consummation until after the woman’s fertile period is over. Regardless of what you and your husband decide to do, it is best to discuss it before you get to your honeymoon suite.

Be patient.

It’s okay if your first time making love isn’t amazing. Like anything important in marriage, it takes time and practice to learn what works and what doesn’t work for you as a couple. Be patient with yourself and with your husband, and remember that your first time won’t be your last time (even if you get pregnant right away, you can still make love throughout pregnancy). That said, if you experience any serious physical complications during love-making that make it difficult for you to give yourself fully to your husband, talk to your doctor as soon as possible.

One final note: if the thought of making love with your husband absolutely terrifies you due to wounds or trauma from your past, please consider going to therapy before you get married. Marital sex is supposed to be a beautiful expression of the love between spouses, not a source of fear or intense anxiety. Therapy can help you work through your past wounds so that you have peace about making love with your husband.

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About the Author: Christina Dehan Jaloway is Spoken Bride's Associate Editor. She is the author of the blog The Evangelista. Read more

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Pre-marital Counseling: The Wedding Gift that Keeps on Giving.

CHRISTINA DEHAN JALOWAY 

One of the first things my now husband, Kristian, and I did after we got engaged was call his therapist--who also happens to be a marriage and family counselor--and make an appointment to meet with him as a couple. In the midst of the craziness of wedding planning and adjusting to new jobs, Kristian and I carved out time each week to go to counseling, both as a couple and as individuals. Both of us had been in individual counseling for awhile at that point, which made our premarital counseling even more fruitful. And while it cost money and time, we both agree that going to therapy was the best thing we did (other than praying together daily and frequenting the sacraments) to prepare for marriage.

If you’ve never been to therapy/counseling, this may sound strange. Why would you go to counseling as a couple before you even get married? Doesn’t that mean that you’re “messed up” or crazy--or that your relationship is already on rocky ground? Isn’t therapy just for people with a diagnosed mental illness or serious relationship issues?

Absolutely not. The reality is that we live in a fallen world, and even if we came from a relatively healthy family, we have been wounded by the sins of others--often in ways that can remain hidden until we get engaged, married, or start having children. That said, I know that many Catholics are skeptical about the value of therapy, so I’ve compiled a short list of reasons why you and your fiancé might consider going--either as individuals, a couple, or both.

Photography: 31 Four Artisan Jewelry

Therapy can strengthen your relationship with the Lord.

Our bodies, minds, and souls are so deeply connected that our psychological and emotional wounds can have a negative impact both on our physical health and our relationship with Christ. Some women (and men) have such difficult relationships with their fathers that they find it nearly impossible to address God as “Father.” Before I started going to therapy and taking medication, in spite of my excellent spiritual director, my anxiety was so intense that I could rarely sit still for longer than a few minutes, which made it almost impossible to pray. In my experience, a competent Catholic or Christian therapist can help you reach a deeper level of intimacy with the Lord by giving you the tools to clear out any psychological or emotional obstacles that may be in the way.

Individual therapy helps you identify your wounds and begin to heal.

Contrary to popular belief, you don't have to by physically or sexually abused to have emotional wounds. As you may have already discovered, engagement can bring out old wounds related to family, ex-boyfriends, etc, which can cause fear and anxiety regarding your impending marriage. Regardless of what your wounds are, we all have them. And the only way those wounds will heal is if they are brought into the light.

Self-medication through coping mechanisms (work, shopping, alcohol, food, dieting, exercise, Netflix binging, etc) only works for so long--and it definitely doesn’t work well when you’re trying to love another person in sickness and in health, till death do you part. A competent therapist can help you uncover your wounds, assess them honestly, and begin the healing process so that you can avoid hurting others, especially your future husband and children, because of your wounds.

Your therapist can help you break cycles of dysfunction.

Each one of us comes from a different “school of relationship”; that is, we all learned how to love (or hate), how to fight (or avoid conflict), how to forgive (or hold grudges), how to maintain healthy boundaries (or put up walls), from our families of origin, and especially from our parents--who came from their own schools of relationship that may have been dysfunctional to varying degrees.

No matter how well we were taught by our parents and siblings, we were still taught by flawed human beings. There are probably a few lessons we never learned and a few we need to forget. Therapy can help you and your fiancé sort through what you want to keep from your families of origin, and bring into your own marriage, and what types of dysfunctional behavior you want to avoid. 

Couples therapy can help you and your fiancé pinpoint and work toward resolving potential areas of conflict before you get married.

Marriage and family therapists agree that most couples come to counseling several years too late. The best time to get counseling is before any major problems surface, which is why pre-marital counseling is such a good idea. And while you may be required to meet with a priest or deacon a few times as part of your marriage prep, he simply won’t have the time or training to give you what a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT) can. This is especially important if you or your fiancé has a history of addictive behavior, comes from an abusive family, or has experienced trauma of any kind in previous relationships.

A final note: I know many couples worry about the financial strain that paying a counselor may cause, but when you consider that you and your fiancé will be married for the rest of your lives, it becomes clear that putting money toward therapy is a better investment than buying your dream wedding dress, going on a fancy honeymoon, or having two meat options at your reception. Therapy is the only gift that will keep on giving for the rest of your married life.

If you have any questions or want more information on how to locate a Catholic therapist in your area, please email me at christina@spokenbride.com .

About the Author: Christina Dehan Jaloway is Spoken Bride's Associate Editor. She is the author of the blog The Evangelista. Read more

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Distinctively Catholic Ways to Commemorate the Dead on Your Wedding Day

As you and your beloved prepare to become one, transforming into your own new family at the altar, matters surrounding your families of origin, and their roles in your wedding plans, tend to highlight the nature of your relationships for better and for worse. One particular wound that might rise to the surface of your hearts is the pain of loss: how can you come to terms with the absence of certain loved ones on your wedding day, and how can you commemorate and honor them, holding them in prayer, as you celebrate?

PHOTOGRAPHY: NICOLE SANDERCOCK PHOTOGRAPHY AS SEEN IN AMANDA + EVAN’S RUSTIC ROSE-COLORED WEDDING

Alongside thoughtful general traditions like lighting candles and displaying photos or albums of those who can’t join you earthside at your wedding, a distinctively Catholic approach to commemorating the dead could look like, first, intercessory prayer, and second, highlighting the uniqueness of every human person. Here, four ways to honor family and friends whom you’ve lost, while actively serving and praying for them:

Invite your wedding guests to pray for the dead.

Particularly if a loved one suffered before his or her death, it’s a common comfort to those left behind to consider that the individual is now at rest or “in a better place.” While, of course, we hold the hope of heavenly freedom for all those we’ve lost, as Catholics we also acknowledge that the road to paradise is merciful, yet just.

Your nuptial Mass presents an invitation to your guests not only to remember those no longer present, but to pray on behalf of their souls. In an In Memoriam section of your Mass program, or during the Prayers of the Faithful, consider writing a brief explanation of intercessory prayer and how it offers an opportunity to continue expressing love and charity for the dead, even when they are no longer with us. Here’s a sample passage from us that you're welcome to include in your text:

When it comes to heaven and eternal rest, Catholics put faith in God’s mercy and justice; that is, “All who die in God's grace and friendship, but still imperfectly purified, are indeed assured of their eternal salvation; but after death they undergo purification, so as to achieve the holiness necessary to enter the joy of heaven.” (Catechism of the Catholic Church [CCC] 1030). Intercessory prayer is a form of petition in service of another: “In intercession, he who prays looks "not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others" (CCC 2635). As we lift up our intentions at this point in the Mass, we invite you to pray on behalf of [names of those you’d like to commemorate], all souls heaven-bound in purgatory, and all those you have lost, that they might be made holy and enter into the joy of heaven, the Father’s eternal wedding feast.

Raise a glass to a close loved one who can’t attend your wedding in the flesh.

It’s hard to illustrate the reality and emphasize the special nature of each individual human person to those who didn’t personally know him or her, simply because every person is entirely unique and unrepeatable, containing fathomless depths and complexities. If someone you were particularly close to, such as a parent or sibling, is not with you in body on your wedding day, it can be painful to acknowledge that some friends and relatives of your new spouse will never know him or her in this life.

But you can put forth your best effort at bringing this person’s memory to life. Consider delivering a toast describing your loved one to both those who knew him and those who didn’t, expressing the joy you found in your relationship and its effects on you leading to your wedding day. Sharing a glimpse of special individuals gifts others with a revelation of who they are, in a specific, personal way, and what they’ve meant to you.

Carry or use a special item of your loved one’s on your big day.

This might be a sentimental or religious item, like a Rosary or piece of jewelry, but if such an item isn’t an easily available option, brainstorm other family heirlooms or special belongings that might invoke the memory of the person you’ve lost. Ideas you might consider are serving one of her favorite recipes as part of a dessert table, using her china or servingware for you and your spouse’s wedding cake, or displaying a collection of his or hers as part of your reception décor.

Offer the crosses of your engagement and wedding planning for the repose of the souls of those you’ve lost.

What if, among those who aren’t able to be present at your wedding, there’s an individual you shared a difficult relationship with? For those with whom you struggled or those who hurt you in this life--and even for those with whom you didn’t--there is mercy and redemption in offering your trials for their souls. Through a mounting to-do list, spiritual attack, and stress as your big day approaches, you’ll find joy flows from putting another before yourself. Pray for the repose and salvation of the souls of your absent friends and family, and rest in knowing none of your difficulties are meaningless.

We know and understand that significant life events tend to increase the ache of loss. Know of our prayers for you if you’re planning your wedding day without someone you always thought would be with you on the journey, and don’t hesitate to reach out if we can pray for you in a specific way. If there are particular traditions or practices you’ve taken up or included in your Mass and reception plans, ones that have borne healing or fond memories, we’d love to hear them in the comments and on our social media.

Writing Your Own Prayers of the Faithful

CHRISTINA DEHAN JALOWAY

An audio version of this blog post was featured on our podcast.

Most of the elements of Catholic wedding liturgies are pretty set in stone, as they should be: the liturgy is not a human creation but a divine gift, and the structure and unity of the Mass reminds us of this truth. What many couples don’t realize is that, as long as you keep within certain guidelines, you and your fiancé are permitted to write your own prayers of the faithful for your nuptial Mass. Kristian and I ended up with 21 petitions (What can I say? I love intercessory prayer!), but I don’t think anyone at our wedding minded. In fact, a few guests asked me to share our prayers of the faithful with them after the wedding, so that they could use them during personal prayer.

Yorch Sans Fotografia

If you’re not familiar with the process of writing intercessory prayers, or the idea intimidates you, be not afraid! It’s not as difficult as it sounds, and below you’ll find lots of tips and even examples that you can copy and paste directly from this post to include in your own prayers of the faithful.

Before we get into specifics, there are two things to keep in mind when writing liturgical petitions:

Petitions should not be mini-homilies. Keep them short and sweet, and keep the tone prayerful vs. preachy.

Follow the Church’s preferred petition order: pray for the Church first, then the world, the burdened, the local community, the dead, and your personal intentions.

Let’s break each of those down:

Prayer(s) for the Church.

Every act of liturgical Catholic prayer (including the liturgy of the hours) is the prayer of the entire Church. Thus, it makes sense that we always include the Body of Christ in our general intercessions. The minimalist way to go is to pray a broad and general prayer for the Church, which is fine, but if you want to be a bit more specific, consider including some or all of the following:

For the Holy Father, Pope Francis [add your specific intention for the Holy Father here]...

For Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI [add your specific intention for Benedict XVI here]...

For all bishops, priests, and deacons, especially those present at this Mass [you can name them here]...

For all religious and consecrated men and women, especially [insert name of religious men and women among your friends and family]...

For all lay Christians, that through prayer, the grace of the Sacraments, and acts of charity, we might become more credible witnesses to our friends and family who do not know Christ.

For the healing of the divisions among Christians--that we may all be of one heart and mind as Jesus prayed we would be.

For all persecuted Christians, that they would be strengthened and encouraged by our prayers and advocacy.

Prayer(s) for the world.

As Catholics, we are called to love all of God’s creation, including people with whom we disagree, those we consider our enemies, the poor, the disenfranchised, our government leaders, and so on. For example:

For an end to attacks on human dignity throughout the world, especially human trafficking, abortion, pornography, economic injustice, war, and religious persecution.

For our government leaders...

Prayer(s) for the burdened. This one is pretty self-explanatory, and provides us with the opportunity to honor those who are suffering from sickness or other burdens among our families and friends.

For all of the sick, especially those in our families, that they would experience the healing power of Christ. In particular, we pray for [insert names of family and friends who are sick here].

Prayer(s) for the local community.

This is your opportunity to pray for your guests. Kristian and I focused on vocations, specifically the vocation to marriage.

For all married couples, especially those who are carrying heavy crosses, that they would receive the strength and hope that they need to be visible signs of Christ’s love in the world.

For all couples who struggle with infertility, that they would know of Christ and his Mother’s closeness to them in their suffering.

For all couples who are divorced or separated, that they would receive the grace of healing and forgiveness.

For all of those single men and women who are waiting for the fulfillment of their vocation, that they would receive the grace to live this time well, with the hope that comes from knowing that their lives are in God’s hands. [Note: My friend Anamaria included a petition like this in her wedding Mass, and I was so touched that she remembered her single friends that I made a mental note of it in case I ever got married.]

Prayer(s) for the dead.

This is a wonderful opportunity to honor those in your families who aren’t able to attend your wedding in the flesh. Many couples opt to name all of their loved ones who have died in recent years. Example: 

For the salvation of all of our beloved dead, especially [include names of deceased loved ones here]. May all of those who mourn their loss be comforted by the hope of the Resurrection.

Personal intentions.

This is where you have a lot of freedom to pray for whatever is most dear to your hearts as a couple, such as your family’s role in bringing you to this sacrament, your friends, former mentors, and of course, your own marriage. Here’s what we did:

In thanksgiving for Christina and Kristian’s parents, who gave them the gifts of life, love, and faith in Christ and his Church.

In thanksgiving for Christina and Kristian’s siblings, nieces and nephews, and extended families, whose love, prayers, and support throughout the years have been instrumental in bringing them to the altar of marriage.

For the intentions of the Dehan, Lyons, Jaloway, and Ruhnke families.

For all of Christina and Kristian’s former students, that they would become the men and women God created them to be.

For Christina and Kristian, that they would never tire of loving one another as Christ has loved us.

Yorch Sans Fotografia

We hope this guide is helpful for those of you who want to write your own prayers of the faithful, but aren’t sure where to start; please feel free to share it with all of the Catholic brides-to-be that you know. For those of you who are already married, did you write your own intentions or use the pre-written ones provided by your priest/deacon? We’d love to hear from you in the comments!

About the Author: Christina Dehan Jaloway is Spoken Bride's Associate Editor. She is the author of the blog The Evangelista. Read more

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An Open Letter to My Past Self, on Her Wedding Day

KRISTI DENOY

You’re a bride. Today is your wedding day: the culmination of your months of planning, stressing, laughing, crying, DIYing, and writing really large checks that made you die a little on the inside. Today concludes the preparation and tough conversations you’ve had with the man who will become your husband.

Congratulations.

Du Castel Photography 

Enjoy today, beautiful bride. But know today is just the first day of your vocation. Know today will be a whirlwind—of emotions, of time. It’s going to be a blur when you look back. Also know that it won’t be anything like the millions of romantic comedy weddings you’ve witnessed (and yeah, okay, sometimes dreamed of).

It will be so much more.

You might not believe it now, but when you wake up this morning, you’ll creep out of bed with sheer calm, knowing you are about to join your husband in a spiritual, metaphysical way. You’ll prepare your makeup and hair and won’t be able to stop smiling all morning.

That’s joy. This day will bring you joy. You’re marrying the man who loves you. He makes you laugh. He's silly with you. But you know what else? He’s the man who will choose to love you every single day—even  a month into marriage when you’re being less-than-desirable. He’s the man who will hold you when you’re a mess and crying.

He’s the man who will make you a better person: the one who will make you question what you thought mattered. The one who will help you see that making small sacrifices for him is love. Your dreams will evolve to include and consider him. It will fill your heart more to perform random acts of love for him just to see him smile—and your marriage will be all the better for it. Soon, you’ll be carefully choosing your words and when to say them for him, because sometimes things are best left unsaid.

Today your life together begins.

It starts in that beautiful church, the one you first sat in four years ago, wondering if you were meant to be single forever. Where you joined ministries and made friends, including the cantor, lector, and the altar server’s entire family, serving side-by-side, who are here today. The church where you and your betrothed shared your first Mass. It’s simple and minimal, allowing you to focus on the moments of the Mass rather than the glitz.

You chose a lovely, modest gown off-the rack, on clearance with an additional discount. And you look like a princess. That’s because you are. You are the daughter of the King of Kings. Your sister-in-law bought you the most beautiful bouquet. The single-piano music will soon begin. The cake has been delivered and the food is being prepared for the celebration. The photographer is ready to shoot. But that’s not what today is about.

Today is about you and him and Him. Three of you: husband, wife, and Creator, coming together in this covenant, surrounded by the word of God and the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass.

Today is about honoring God in the infancy of your new life together, from its very first moments.

Beautiful bride, holy child, today is about you working with God to create something beautiful: a life of sacrificial love.

Sincerely,

Kristi

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About the Author: Kristi Denoy is newlywed to a handsome man, momma to a wonderful daughter, theatre aficionado, and an HR guru with a soft spot for farmer's markets and mom and pop coffee shops. She blogs at Hail Marry, where she also co-hosts the FIAT: Faith in All Things podcast.

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How to Get Your Marriage Blessed by the Pope

CHRISTINA DEHAN JALOWAY

My husband and I just returned from our babymoon/honeymoon part two, in which we traveled to Rome and several locations in Northern Italy. It was a beautiful trip, but by far the highlight was going to the papal audience on Wednesday, June 13, and being blessed by Pope Francis as part of the “Sposi Novelli” (newlywed) blessing. Our baby in utero got a special blessing as well! When I posted one of our photos on Instagram, I got lots of questions about how couples can go about planning their own newlywed blessing, so I thought I’d share some of what I learned from our experience.

Photo by L'Osservatore Romano

Order your tickets in advance.

All papal audience tickets are free, but due to the number of newlyweds who want to attend each week, you must request tickets from the Bishops’ Office for United States Visitors to the Vatican (contact your local diocesan office for information if you do not live in the US). It’s as simple as emailing the office a few months ahead of your visit, asking for Sposi Novelli tickets for the Wednesday audience you want to attend, and picking the tickets up between 3-6 PM on the evening before the audience. The office is near the Trevi Fountain and you can find directions to it on their website.

Be aware of the rules and restrictions.

According to the BIshops’ Office, couples are eligible for the Sposi Novelli blessing if they’ve been married for two months or less*, and must bring their marriage certificate, signed by a priest or deacon, with them to the audience.  

*In the interest of full disclosure, Kristian and I did not know this rule and had almost been married six months at the time of our Sposi Novelli blessing (we planned on going much earlier, but first trimester and international travel do not mix well). As I said before, our baby got blessed too as I was visibly pregnant, but that didn’t seem to bother anyone. If you want to get your marriage blessed but can’t go to Rome within two months of your wedding, it may still be possible, but it’s a good idea to check with the Bishops’ Office before you book your airline tickets.  

Plan your wardrobe.

 For the Sposi Novelli blessing, couples are expected to come in “wedding attire”, which broadly interpreted means men in suits and women in white dresses. At our audience, there were women fully decked out in their wedding dresses and grooms in tuxes, but that isn’t required. And if you go to Rome in the summer, you may want to forego the wedding dress simply due to the intense heat in St. Peter’s Square.  

A note about dress code: There’s no specific dress code to get into St. Peter’s Square, where the audience is held, but if you want to go into the Basilica afterward, you’ll need to have your shoulders and knees covered.

Get there early.

The Bishops’ Office recommends that you get to the audience as early as possible (the Square officially opens at 6:30 AM) even though the audience doesn’t begin until 10 AM. Kristian and I weren’t able to make it until about 8:30 due to jet lag, but even then almost all of the special seats for the Sposi Novelli were taken. It’s worth it to get there as early as possible, especially since there’s nothing quite like an almost-empty St. Peter’s Square in the early morning light. Just bring snacks, a water bottle, and some reading/prayer material with you to pass the time.

Note: The Basilica does not open until a couple of hours after the audience concludes, so you won’t be able to go to Mass beforehand.

Pay attention to the weather.

I’ve been to Rome during every season except Fall (which I hear is gorgeous), and as much as I love the Eternal City, I must say that summer (mid-June through August) is a tough time to visit. The heat can be oppressive and there’s little relief from trees or ubiquitous A/C. But if summer is your only option, there are a few things you can do to beat the heat at the Sposi Novelli blessing:

-Don’t wear your wedding dress unless it’s light, airy, and breathable. Consider purchasing a white dress that will allow you to look bridal without overheating.

-Advise your husband to wear a lightweight summer suit.

-Bring an umbrella or parasol (I’m so thankful that the Italian couple sitting next to us let me huddle under theirs).

-Bring a LARGE bottle of water and refill it while you’re waiting in one of the natural fountains in the Square.

-Wear sunglasses.

-Bring something to fan yourself with. Trust me.  

Note: If you are planning a winter or spring visit to the Vatican, an umbrella is also a good idea as it tends to rain more often during those seasons.

Bring any religious articles you'd like blessed by the Pope.

At the end of the audience, the Holy Father will do a general blessing of any and all religious articles that you’ve brought with you. I wish I had remembered to bring the rosary that was wrapped around my bouquet! 

Be aware that you may not get a cool photo with Pope Francis.

Depending on the time of year, the number of couples sitting in the Sposi Novelli section varies quite a bit. Couples from all over the world (especially Italy and other countries in Europe) come for the newlywed blessing.  You’re more likely to get facetime with the Holy Father if you do not go during the summer. If you do go during the summer, like Kristian and I did, be prepared for the possibility that you may only get a general greeting from the Pope. We were able to get to the front of the line because I'm pregnant (pregnant women, I learned, are treated like royalty in Rome), but that was an unexpected blessing as there were over 100 newly married couples in attendance that day! My brother and sister-in-law, who went in May 2016, were part of a much smaller group in which everyone got a personal greeting from the Pope.

Note: if you do get photos with Pope Francis, you’ll have an opportunity that afternoon to peruse them, choose the ones you like, and have them printed out for you for a small fee.

Photo by L'Osservatore Romano

What if you can't make it to a papal audience for a special newlywed blessing? Are your dreams of papal marriage blessings dead? Not at all! You always have the option of requesting a Papal blessing for your marriage directly from the Vatican, which is printed on parchment and sent to your home.

I hope this has been a helpful guide for planning a Sposi Novelli trip to Rome. If you're engaged and planning on honeymooning in Rome or a newlywed who recently made the trek, we'd love to hear about your experience in the comments! 

About the Author: Christina Dehan Jaloway is Spoken Bride's Associate Editor. She is the author of the blog The Evangelista. Read more

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Why I'm Grateful for Traditional Wedding Vows

DOMINIKA RAMOS

This probably isn't a surprise to most, but when you get married in the Catholic Church, you don't get to write your own vows. For some, this might be difficult to accept as the wedding industry attempts to ingrain in brides that their wedding day is preeminently theirs and every detail and moment of the day should reflect them alone.

Moreover, movies, TV shows, and real-life weddings often show in beautiful, humorous, and tear-jerking ways that vows can be a way to express the unique love shared between the bride and groom--a love not shared by any other couple. Being told you must use vows shared with countless other couples can be a bit of a letdown.

However, the problem the Church has with couples writing their own vows is that, by doing so, they pledge themselves to their own idea of what marriage is rather than what the Church teaches marriage is. What, then, does the Church teach that marriage is?

There's a part in C.S. Lewis's Till We Have Faces that I think movingly encapsulates the Christian truth about marriage. In the passage that follows, the character of Psyche is about to be sacrificed to a monster. Despite her fate, she is surprisingly full of equanimity and tells her sister:

 "And how would it be better if I had lived? I suppose I should have been given to some king in the end...And there you can see again how little difference there is between dying and being married. To leave your home — to lose you...to lose one's maidenhead — to bear a child — they are all deaths."

 Amidst wedding day daydreams of dresses and flowers and perfect color palettes, the idea of marriage as a death might seem emphatically unromantic. But as with death, there is a veil that covers marriage preventing us from fully seeing what is beyond. No matter the amount of preparation you put into marriage, you still can't fully understand what you're getting into until you're actually in thick of it.

In fact, marriage is more than just a death, in the sense that you can't see beyond the threshold of the wedding day.

Like any vocation, marriage is a crucifixion. When you answer 'Yes' to God's call in your life, you choose to nail your will to Christ's on the Cross.

And herein lies the paradoxical truth of weddings and marriage that stands at odds with the culture's understanding: we're told your wedding day is only about you and your spouse, a celebration of you, a grand display of your wills to marry now, but then to do what you will later.

The Church tells you your wedding and your marriage are not about you. Or rather, they are about you insofar as they are about Christ. Marriage is designed for the salvation of your soul and of the the souls your marriage touches for the glory of Christ. Your wedding day is the willing renunciation of your will. 

How can we then presume to be able to put together more fitting words for entering into a mystery we cannot fully understand? Who better than the Church can give us the right words to renounce our wills and unite them to the Cross?

Like a mother teaching her small child to speak, she teaches you to speak the right words. In her wisdom, she gives you words carefully crafted and passed down through the centuries. They are words that clearly spell out the gravity of what you are doing: making a solemn vow in front of God and man--a vow that cannot be put asunder by will or undone in times of difficulty or distress.

Yes, they are words shared by a multitude of other couples, but for that reason they bind you more closely to the whole Body of Christ. They are words you will be asked to repeat in your thoughts, words, and actions every day of your marriage. And they are words imbued with sacramental grace, to help you and your spouse become a living sign to the world of the love between Christ and His Church.

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About the Author: Dominika Ramos is a native of Houston, Texas though she dreams of spending her days frolicking in the English countryside. She and her husband met at the University of St. Thomas, where she studied English literature, and they were married at the Cathedral of Our Lady of Walsingham on the Feast of the Visitation in 2014. Her life is currently composed of running Pax Paper, a hand-lettering and illustration business, blogging about the transcendental aspects of motherhood (among other things) at A Quiet Quest, and chasing after her rambunctious and delightful toddler son.

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Editors' Picks | Vol. 7: Registry Essentials

At Spoken Bride, we love a good book, a good meal, a standout statement necklace, a heel you can dance in, and the list goes on. And when we make those discoveries, we want to tell everyone. So every month or two, we're sharing our latest and favorite finds in everything engagement, wedding, and honeymoon-related.

Creating a registry can be a daunting task, especially if you're one of the first among your friends to tie the knot. Keep in mind that registering for gifts, as awkward as it may seem, is actually a gift to the family and friends who want to celebrate your marriage; a well-planned registry takes the guesswork out of gift-giving. We've compiled our registry essentials below, and hope they will be a helpful start to your list. 

Elise, Social Media Coordinator

Quality Serveware: Splurge on serveware! These are pieces that you’ll want to pull out for guests or special occasions. As a family, we are called to be a home for our community and a welcoming space for all of God’s people. Having nice servingware is a way to have fun with hospitality.  Whether it’s a cheese platter or a nicer serving bowl, go ahead and put them on your registry.

Experiences: Something Hunter and I have enjoyed exploring while setting up our registry, is having the option to add “experience” gifts to our list. Registries like Zola, allow you to put experiences such as a “Night Out on the Town” or a “Travel Fund” essentially act as gift cards. Multiple guests can contribute to the experience and give you and your fiance the means to have experiences that you wouldn’t otherwise.

Beautiful Artwork: Wall art isn’t usually something that you would buy for yourself, but it will definitely brighten your home and make it feel like your own special place. Make sure to include gorgeous Catholic art like The Annunciation by Henry Ossawa Tanner, Blessed Is She’s prints, or the 2015 World Meeting of Families Icon.

Christina, Associate Editor

It hasn't been long since I put together my registry, so I can honestly say each of these items is much-loved and much-used in our home. If you're looking for a convenient one-stop registry website, I highly recommend Zola. 

Instant Pot: I’ve always been a fan of my Crockpot, but the Instant Pot has knocked it right out of first place in terms of hassle-free cooking. Since Kristian and I got married, I’ve used the Instant Pot at least once a week to cook everything from soup to pulled pork. It’s like a Crockpot, but instead of waiting 8 hours to eat the tenderest meat of your life, it takes 45 minutes thanks to the fact that it’s a high tech pressure cooker. You can also steam vegetables (including potatoes), make yogurt, sauté onions and garlic before adding in your main ingredients...the list goes on.

Psalter for Couples: Kristian and I make it a point to pray together before we go to bed each night, and this Psalter has been a wonderful addition to our prayer life. The folks who publish the Magnificat have carefully chosen Psalms (each followed by a short prayer) for couples to pray together in different seasons and on different occasions throughout married life.

A high-quality set of knives: Growing up in a family where cooking wasn’t really a thing left me with little appreciation for a good set of knives. Now, thanks to lots of trial and error during my single years, I know that a high quality set of knives is essential if you want to cook efficiently and safely. For those nervous that the high price of a full set will scare people away from purchasing knives, consider registering for individual knives, or small companion sets of knives.

Stephanie, Editor-in-Chief and Co-Founder

Picture frames and photo printing credits: As my sixth anniversary approaches, I sometimes shake my head at the fact that I’ve never had a wedding album made--immediately following our wedding, money was tight and my husband and I couldn’t afford extensive album design and creation with our photographer. Quality wedding images are an investment, but they’re an instant treasure you won’t regret. Choose a set of classic, coordinated frames like these for easy display in your new home once you’ve received your photos, and speak with your photographer about whether he or she offers gift cards for album services that your guests can purchase, or for recommendations for high-quality print labs.

Family Bible: As you enter into the sacrament of marriage, a whole new sacramental life begins with the two of you. A beautifully crafted Bible like this one, with a special section to record those who participated in your nuptial Mass, along with, God willing, future Baptisms, First Communions, Confirmations, and your children’s vocations, becomes an heirloom record of a shared life in Christ.

Quality tool set: It’s not as romantic as champagne flutes or down pillows, but through moves, furniture (and maybe down the road, toy) assembly, and ordinary household tasks, a set of well-made tools will see you through countless instances you didn’t think you needed them for. My husband picked out this set by Stanley when we got married, and even now it gets at least weekly use and has held up great. I asked him about recommending tools, and from him to you, his advice is to choose quality over quantity: the biggest set isn’t necessarily the most useful, and the lowest price might tend toward a more temporary item than a long-term investment. 

Andi, Business Director

Lodge Cast Iron Skillet: I never thought I'd want or even use something like this, but here I am using it pretty much every day to make veggies, grilled cheese, and more.

Bath Sheets: I had no idea giant, cozy bath sheets ever existed before my husband Matt asked me to register for them. They're the best! We've had towels from Pottery Barn, Bed, Bath, & Beyond, and Macy's, but these are my absolute favorite because they are so soft.

Measuring Cups and Spoons: I've used these daily for almost 10 years and they still look brand new. They definitely hold up to the wear and tear of family life.

Jiza, Co-Founder + Creative Director

Cast Iron Skillet: You can't go wrong with a quality cast iron skillet. It's sturdy, versatile, economical, and has great heat distribution. I love how you are able to use it on the stovetop, for baking, or even outdoors for camping. And if you take good care of it, it will last you a long time.

Quality Flatware: When my husband and I were engaged and creating our registry, I teased him about how long he took selecting a silverware set. He went down the aisle, lifting the various forks and knives to see which ones had a good weight. I thought it was silly at the time, but eight years later, our silverware is still going strong, and anytime I reach for our set of Dollar Tree flatware from his single days, I notice a huge difference. Here's to spoons that don't bend when you're scooping ice cream! 

Items for your family oratory: Did you know you can create a Catholic gift registry? Religious art and some prayer books aren't exactly inexpensive. My husband and I created a Catholic gift registry for our wedding with Aquinas and More, and we were so thankful to receive some religious icons that otherwise would have taken some time and saving to purchase ourselves. When you get married, you're building the domestic church, so why not give your loved ones an opportunity to help create your first oratory?

We love making new discoveries, particularly from Catholic vendors--share your registry gift ideas in the comments or on our social media!

Creating a Meaningful Wedding Mass Program

The audio version of this blog post was featured on our podcast on 10/13/2020.

CHRISTINA DEHAN JALOWAY

Without a doubt, designing the program for our wedding Mass was my favorite part of the entire wedding-planning process.  I have a lifelong passion for communicating and explaining the truths of our faith to others: I was a high school theology teacher for nine years and have been a catechist of some kind since college. I saw my program as an opportunity to explain, particularly to our non-Catholic and non-practicing-Catholic guests, the beauty of the Mass and the Church’s teaching on marriage. I’m not naive to think that everyone present actually read the program, but I knew that some people would, and prayed that the Lord would use it to draw our wedding guests more deeply into the liturgy. 

Leah Muse Photography

Be clear about the mechanics of Mass.

Perhaps the most confusing thing for non-Catholics when they come to Mass, especially for the first time, is all of the standing, sitting, kneeling, and responding that we do. Normally, the priest will give directions to the congregation (most priests are well aware that a percentage of those at Catholic weddings are not familiar with the Mass), but sometimes he forgets or people need extra reminders. This is where your program comes in. Below is an example of what I mean:

First Reading

Please sit

When the lector says “The Word of the Lord,” at the conclusion of the reading, you may respond “Thanks be to God.”  

These instructions won't increase your page count by much, and go a long way to making non-Catholics feel more comfortable during Mass. Note: if you use Latin Mass parts, it’s a good idea to provide your guests with a translation.

Leah Muse Photography

Break Open the Word

Chances are that the priest or deacon who preaches at your wedding won’t have time to go into detail about each of your chosen readings, which may leave your biblically illiterate guests feeling a bit lost. One way to help them understand the Scripture readings is to provide brief explanations of why you chose each reading, and if necessary, some context for your readings. Believe it or not, most of your wedding guests (even the faithful Catholic ones) probably haven’t read the entire book of Tobit. Here’s what I wrote for our first reading:

First Reading Tobit 8:4b-8   

Context: Tobit’s son, Tobiah, has just married his kinswoman Sarah at the encouragement of the (disguised) archangel Raphael. Sarah is oppressed by a demon who has killed her last seven husbands on their wedding night. Raphael helps Tobiah and Sarah to vanquish the demon and encourages them to pray before consummating their marriage.

The couple chose this reading because of the important role that prayer has played (and will continue to play) in their relationship, and because the prayer of Tobiah and Sarah recounts the establishment of marriage by God in Genesis.

Leah Muse Photography

The Rite of Marriage

It’s no secret that Catholic weddings are different from secular, or even Protestant weddings, but many of your guests may not realize that the Catholic understanding of marriage is unique as well. Consider including an explanatory line or two about marriage as a Sacrament, the significance of the vows and rings, and an explanation of any special wedding traditions you’re incorporating into the rite (such as holding a crucifix or exchanging arras). For example:

In the Catholic Church, marriage is a Sacrament, which means that it is a visible sign of God’s grace, instituted by Christ and entrusted to the Church, by which Divine life is dispensed to us. This is what makes Catholic marriage so much more than a legal union, and why it must be--like God’s love for us--free, total, faithful, and fruitful. Ideally, a marriage between two Christians should be a clear, visible sign of God’s love for his people.

A note about the crucifix: Kristian and Christina decided to incorporate the Croatian tradition of holding a crucifix together while professing their vows. This symbolizes the fact that marriage, like all vocations, is a sharing in Christ’s cross and resurrection, and that both spouses are called to lay down their lives for one another as Christ did for us. The couple will hang the crucifix in a place of honor in their home so that they can be reminded to carry their crosses together and unite their sufferings with Christ’s.

Leah Muse Photography

The Source and Summit

The Liturgy of the Eucharist is the reason why Catholics celebrate the marriage rite within the context of the Mass. Unfortunately, the Blessed Sacrament is also commonly mistaken for a mere symbol or ritual by non-Catholics (and misinformed Catholics), which is understandable considering how mysterious the Real Presence is. A little bit of explanation goes a long way to clearing up these misconceptions. Here’s what we did:

The Liturgy of the Eucharist

The Eucharist is the “source and summit” of the Catholic faith, because it is Jesus himself, mysteriously present, body, blood, soul, and divinity under the signs of bread and wine. Thus, the Liturgy of the Eucharist is the high point of the Mass.

Offertory

During the offertory, we bring up the bread and wine that will be offered to the Father and transformed by the Holy Spirit into the Body and Blood of Christ. We also present our hearts, minds, souls, and all of our cares and concerns to the Father who loves us. The prayers of blessing that the priest prays over the gifts hearken back to the prayers of blessing over meals that Jesus would have prayed at the Last Supper that he shared with his disciples.

Great Amen

At the end of the priest’s prayer, the congregation chants “Amen”. In saying “Amen”, we say “yes, I believe” that the bread and wine that were on the altar are now sacramentally Jesus’ body and blood.

Who may receive the Eucharist?

Only baptized Catholics who have received their first communion, are practicing the faith, and are not aware of having committed mortal sins since their last confession may receive the Eucharist. If you are not going to receive, please remain in your seat and pray for and with the couple.

Not only were these explanations helpful to our non-Catholic family and friends, but we  had faithful Catholic guests approach us after the wedding and comment on how beneficial these explanations were for them and their own prayer during Mass.

Leah Muse Photography

There’s Something about Mary…

After teaching the faith for over a decade, it no longer surprises me when non-Catholics and Catholics alike think that we worship Mary. Usually, this is the result of a misunderstanding of the meaning of the word “worship.” Worship is not the same as prayer, reverence, or honor. Worship is the surrender of one’s entire self to someone or something--and that surrender is due only to God. If you’re planning on presenting a bouquet of flowers to Mary as a couple during your nuptial Mass and know you’ll have Protestant guests at your wedding who may be confused about how we understand Marian devotion, consider including something like this in your program:  

It is traditional for the newly married couple to honor Mary with a gift of flowers. Contrary to popular misconception, Catholics do not worship Mary. Worship is due to God alone. We honor Mary as Jesus’ mother, the woman whose “yes” made our salvation possible. “What the Catholic faith believes about Mary is based on what it believes about Christ, and what it teaches about Mary illumines in turn its faith in Christ” (Catechism of the Catholic Church # 487).

Again, I don’t know if anyone read this explanation or had their minds or hearts changed on the matter of honoring Mary, but I DO know that if they wanted more information, it was available to them.

Leah Muse Photography

Little extras

If you have room in your budget for a long-ish program, consider adding some inspirational quotations from Scripture, Saints, or theologians. I’ve compiled a short list below of some of my favorites, but there are many more to choose from!

"Love is the light--and in the end, the only light--that can always illuminate a world grown dim and give us the courage needed to keep living and working. Love is possible, and we are able to practice it because we are created in the image of God." --Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI

“Just as of old God encountered his people with a covenant of love and fidelity, so our Savior, the spouse of the Church, now encounters Christian spouses through the sacrament of Matrimony.” Christ dwells with them, gives them the strength to take up their crosses and so follow him, to rise again after they have fallen, to forgive one another, to bear one another’s burdens, to “be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ,” and to love one another with supernatural, tender, and fruitful love. In the joys of their love and family life he gives them here on earth a foretaste of the wedding feast of the Lamb.” --Catechism of the Catholic Church #148-150

“Grace has the power to make straight the paths of human love.” --St. John Paul II

“How can I ever express the happiness of a marriage joined by the Church, strengthened by an offering, sealed by a blessing, announced by angels, and ratified by the Father? . . . How wonderful the bond between two believers, now one in hope, one in desire, one in discipline, one in the same service! They are both children of one Father and servants of the same Master, undivided in spirit and flesh, truly two in one flesh. Where the flesh is one, one also is the spirit.”--Tertullian, an early Church Father

"Then, in the excess of my delirious joy, I cried out: O Jesus, my Love...my vocation, at last I have found it...MY VOCATION IS LOVE!" --St. Therese of Lisieux

St. Gregory of Nazianzus on the marriage of his parents: "They encourage us to virtue...he has been her good shepherd, whom she has prayed for and guided on his way; from her he has received the model for being a good shepherd. Both are of one dignity, of one mind, of one soul, no less in partnership of virtue and closeness to God than in a partnership of flesh. They compete with each other equally in length of life and silver of hair, in prudence and in brilliance...they are held back little by the flesh, far advanced in spirit...The world is both not theirs and theirs-one world they ignore, the other they far prefer. They have disposed of their riches, and have become rich through the industry of holiness, despising one sort of wealth and buying instead the riches of the world to come."

“Do not forget that true love sets no conditions; it does not calculate or complain, but simply loves.” --St. John Paul II

I hope this has been a helpful guide to creating a more meaningful program for the most important part of your wedding day. Please feel free to copy and paste any part of this post to use for your program, and share with other Catholic brides-to-be who may be interested.

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Spoken Bride offers a beautiful, pre-formatted, and customizable Novus Ordo Wedding mass program that clearly, respectfully explains the Catholic faith and liturgy. Please visit our shop for more information.

About the Author: Christina Dehan Jaloway is Spoken Bride's Associate Editor. She is the author of the blog The Evangelista. Read more

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When Sacrifice Feels Like Too Much.

STEPHANIE CALIS

“This is my body which is given for you.” “ I thirst.” “Set me as a seal on your heart, as a seal upon your arm.” We’ve heard these words, felt these aches to lay ourselves bare, to quench the thirst of the Beloved, to make of ourselves a beautiful and perfect gift. The Cross and all it encompasses--body, blood, soul; heroic sacrifice and purest love; a marriage made in heaven--is one of our truest examples of spousal love: self-death and self-gift. But obvious isn’t the same as easy. What can you do when you know you’re falling short of authentic, sacrificial love, and moreover, when you don’t even particularly care to try?

Photography: Alex Krall Photography

Sacrifice shouldn’t make sense. Inconveniencing and emptying yourself, for no benefit of your own, directly pits our better judgment against our fallen nature. My younger self used to view sacrifice, in theory, as two people each being willing to give and take on certain matters, finding a compromise somewhere in the middle. In practice, as I navigated life with roommates and, later, with a husband, I realized how little I’d understood.

Going 50/50 on some things might be good for equality, but it’s not the best for relationships. Sometimes in compromise, and all times in authentic love, one person gives (or gives up) everything, not half.

It’s the ideal we vow to chase after and to live out in good times and in bad, standing before the One who gave of himself completely for love’s sake.

Yet even with eyes of faith, of knowing joy flows from putting another before yourself and wanting the good of someone else, sacrificial love is painful. Whether you’re undergoing the struggle of budgets, registries and their ensuing compromises as a bride-to-be or experiencing the growing pains of living with your husband as a newlywed, there might’ve been a time when you’ve asked yourself, how much is too much?

Watching TV’s This Is Us a few months ago, I was struck by the reality of sacrifice upon sacrifice gone unnoticed or unfulfilled. Years into marriage and raising their children to adolescence, Jack and Rebecca Pearson express the seeming disillusionment they’ve experienced as they’ve habitually put themselves aside for each other and for their family, the weight of their burdens boiling over into an all-out battle.

He feels burned out and unappreciated by years of working a mediocre job while trying to keep family first. She mourns what feels like the loss of identity after ages of existing solely as a mother while putting her own pursuits on the back burner. They wonder and they argue: who has given up more?

Their pain is palpable because it’s real. Dismissing this couple as unwilling to take up their crosses would diminish the truth that even with the graces of marriage, even when sacrifice is a habit, even when spouses put each other (and their children) first and themselves second, the sheer effort can leave you parched and drained. That’s okay. It’s only living water that will restore. Practically speaking, here are some ways to invite the Lord into your brokenness, your tiredness, and to rest in him:

Pray for your spouse, simply as who he or she is.

My prayer often turns to asking the Father for certain virtues that will strengthen me as a wife and mother, and for the same for my husband. During more stressful or trying seasons, though, this approach tends to increase my anxiety rather than my sense of peace. Instead, try simply contemplating the reality of your beloved, in all his flaws and gifts, and thank God for who he is. Chances are, even when you aren’t feeling particularly loving, your focus will shift to a deeper, objective appreciation for the qualities you fell in love with and a diminished sense of frustration with those that are a source of trial. Cultivate a will to thanksgiving.

Say what you need.

It’s surprising how often I find myself burdened by certain obligations of marriage and parenthood and don’t even think to speak up to my husband about them. I don’t intentionally mean to keep my struggles a secret; I tend to (unhealthily) view embracing sacrifice as the more praiseworthy choice than acknowledging my limits, to the point that I end up completely overwhelmed and tired, unable to see them as something potentially fruitful. As we’ve navigated grad school and parenthood over the past few years, I’ve tried to become better about identifying and vocalizing to my husband what can ease the strain. It sounds obvious, but asking for a few hours to go to Adoration, go for a walk, or take myself out to coffee, I’ve finally realized, isn’t selfish. It's a renewal that brings me back to my vocation reenergized.

Thank each other.

In big-picture matters like working a non-dream job or joining in on each other’s extended family vacations, and in small ones like foregoing unnecessary spending when you’re on a budget and putting the dishes away, make a habit of noticing ways your spouse gives of himself or herself for the good of your marriage, and say thank you. For those whose love language is Words of Affirmation, this is particularly meaningful, but for anyone at all, recognizing and valuing what is given can only bear a deeper sense of gratitude, attention, and reverence for the person you love.

No matter how much our particular life demands, on the hardest days I remind myself how much  more miserable I’d be if I were single, with fewer responsibilities, than married to my husband and caring for our children with the difficulties piling on. He is pure gift, meant to sanctify me and, God willing, accompany me to Heaven. Sometimes lightening the load is all about perspective.

“...’alone,’ the man does not completely realize [his] essence. He realizes it only by existing ‘with someone’--and, put even more deeply and completely, by existing ‘for someone.’” - Pope St. John Paul II, TOB 14:2

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About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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Six Tips for Catholic Military Spouses

SOPHIE WHEELER

If you know anything about military life, you know it can lend itself to a lot of time away. We’ve been lucky that thus far in our relationship, my husband Daniel has never been deployed. But I can tell you that within the four and a half years we’ve been together, there have certainly been large chunks of time spent apart. This was the first Easter in three years, for example, that we will be able to spend together. And we are grateful for this, because it also happens to be the first Easter with our baby.

Daniel and I met as the result of a mail mix-up. My family and I had just moved to the area, and Daniel’s family lived two streets down. The new high school I was attending sent a welcome package that ended up in the hands of Daniel’s mom. At the time, his youngest brother attended the same school, and we can only assume the mailman made an honest mistake. So our moms swapped mail, met for coffee and a year later I was offered a summer job from his dad. Daniel and I finally met, and the rest is history!

Everyone’s experience with marriage is different, and it’s no different for couples in the military, with maybe some added roadblocks. And a few moves. Daniel and I have been apart at critical times in our relationship: the summer we started dating, he was away for six weeks, with limited communication aside from a few short letters here and there. A few months before our wedding he was sent across the country. He was thankfully able to come back for our wedding and a five-day honeymoon, but we were separated soon after since I had to finish up my degree.

If your other half is in the military, distance and time apart is commonplace. Planning a wedding while apart, with sometimes little to no communication, is not the best scenario, but these are the types of struggles military families--and families-to-be--work through. We had to prepare for marriage while apart, and to navigate our newfound status as husband and wife in the same way. All difficult, but not impossible.

Here are a few things that helped us:

Communicate.

I know this comes up on every relationship advice listicle ever. But no matter how much we read about it, it’s still not always put into practice. Communication is key in every relationship, but its importance cannot be emphasized enough—especially in relationships involving stressors beyond your control, such as inconsistent schedules and extended time apart. Military life lends itself to all these things.

If you don’t put effort into talking to your spouse on a daily basis, or however often you’re able while he or she’s away, about even everyday occurrences, things can quickly deteriorate and you’ll end up with a pile of misunderstandings and frustrations. Try sharing even mundane moments with your spouse. For example, I usually text Daniel whenever I leave the house to go to the grocery store, and text him again once I am back home. Not that it’s necessary for him to know exactly when I go to the store, but it often results in further conversation about our days that wouldn’t come about otherwise. Daniel does the same for me whenever he goes out, which helps keep my day running smoothly and shows me that he's thinking of me and being considerate of my time.

You don’t have to fight.

This is something that has helped our marriage immensely. We have never fought. Please don’t misunderstand and think that we don’t ever disagree! We do. But we have never allowed our differences to escalate into a fight, despite numerous people telling us throughout our marriage prep that “You need to fight! It’s unhealthy if you don’t.”

Every couple has different personalities, but it’s not that we don't fight because we aren't confrontational. My husband and I both have tempers (our families can tell you that). The reason we don’t fight is because our goal is always to control immediate emotional responses, not to suppress our thoughts or feelings--that would be useless, and would achieve the opposite effect. Many times we do this by acknowledging the situation and allowing each other time and space before continuing the conversation.

I want to be extremely clear about this: we would never have made it through two and a half years of dating and more than two years of marriage if we were were in the habit of ignoring our thoughts and feelings simply in favor of not fighting. There would have soon been an explosion.

Don’t talk badly about your spouse.

This is a favorite piece of advice from my mom. It helps in so many ways. Because of Daniel being in the military, most of our time spent apart has been both involuntary and with limited communication.  If you have to spend time away from your husband or wife, the tension only increases when you vent your frustrations to your friend or family member about every little annoying thing that your spouse does.

Instead, spend your time away from each other reflecting on your marriage and thinking of ways to make the most of your time together, while serving one another. This advice most definitely applies even when your spouse is not away. It gives your thoughts room to breathe before you choose whether or not to voice them.

Make sure your spouse has a good connection with your children.

 My grandmother should be given an award for the amount of patience and kindness she has managed to keep after years and years of being married to a military man (if you haven’t deduced this already, our family is going 3 generations strong in making military families). In any case, what this point means is don’t pass off the punishments to the parent the kids rarely see. Don’t make them the bad guy. Make time for children to bond with their parent. After my grandfather came back from a long time away in Okinawa, he and my grandmother spent two days together to reconnect while their children were looked after by family friends. After they got back home, they set up a candlelit dinner for the two older children to enjoy time with their dad, without the littler ones. The day after, the littles got the same chance.

Always do date night.

 Well…whenever you can anyway. Why wouldn’t you want to? Date night refreshes your relationship, especially when you have children. It gives you the chance to communicate in a different setting than your usual day-to-day, gives you something to look forward to together, and will likely lead to joyful conversations about past dates.

Trust.

Through all of our experiences Daniel and I have repeatedly learned the lesson that we should always trust in God’s plan and timing. This is especially important when it comes to all of the seemingly ill-timed training away from home or possibility of upcoming deployments. These situations are the best reminder of this fact: you have little to do with what happens in your life, but you have everything to do with how you deal with it.

Feeling like you have no control over your life or plans comes often in the military, and the only solution is to trust.

Trust God and trust your spouse. Lean on each other, even while you are apart. Maintain loving and encouraging communication when it's possible. When it isn’t, pray for each other and your marriage.

Photos by Spiering Photography.

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About the Author: Sophie Wheeler is a wife, mother and artist. She grew up in a military family and as a result has lived in five different countries: the United States, Panama, Spain, Argentina and Venezuela. After settling back in the U.S. and finishing high school, she graduated from George Mason University with a BFA in Arts and Visual Technology. She now runs The Anchor Theory, a freelance graphic design and illustration business. She lives with her husband, Daniel, and their 8-month-old son in North Carolina. 

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Elise's Wedding | 5 Ways to Thrive During the Last Few Weeks of Your Engagement

ELISE CRAWFORD

Save the date ...our Social Media Coordinator, Elise Crawford, is marrying Hunter, her college sweetheart, on August 12, 2017. We're overjoyed for her and are thrilled to share with you a peek into one bride's real-life wedding planning. Over the next year, we'll feature monthly pieces from Elise on marriage prep, choosing wedding details, and her spirituality as a bride-to-be. Join us in praying for Elise and Hunter during this sacred time of anticipation!

Photography by Meaghan Clare Photography

I'm writing this at 11:30pm after a full day of work in D.C. with clients, calls with my team and giving a talk this evening to a group of women business owners. I'm tired. Physically, yes but also emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Wedding planning can be fun and full of exciting adventures, but what happens when it's....not? I think every woman who has gotten married can identify a moment in their planning process when she's thought to herself, "I'm so ready for this to be all over with and just be married already!"

There's no doubt when preparing to enter into the sacrament of marriage that you will experience some sort of spiritual battle; the Enemy trying to keep you from becoming the woman God has made you to be. I've been engaged for almost four years: that's a long time to be engaged in a singular battle! There are so many ups and downs when it comes to wedding planning and as your wedding day draws even closer, those waves of overwhelm can seem to come in faster and even more ferociously. 

No matter how long you've been engaged, I'm sure you can relate to the feeling of fatigue and burnout during the last few weeks leading up to your wedding. Below I'm sharing my five tips for thriving during your final days of engagement. Enjoy and feel free to leave your own tips in the comments!

Stay close to the Eucharist.

 As I mentioned before, I've definitely noticed an increase in spiritual battle or struggle as my wedding day draws near. They can be identified as small or feelings of discouragement and overwhelm or an increased tendency to lose your temper. The Enemy plays on your weaknesses, particularly as you are about to enter into the sacred bonds of marriage. Spend some extra time alone with Christ during the last few weeks of your engagement in order to remain focused. Although you are about to give yourself completely and freely over to another in marriage, Jesus will always be your first Love. Let him nourish you, love you and sanctify you as draw closer to Him. Amp up your prayer life. Although it might seem impossible to fit in anything else in your schedule, it's important to prioritize daily Mass, confession and quiet prayer even more intensely as your big day draws near. 

Write everything down.

 This might seem like an obvious task, but I didn't even think about mapping out the next couple of months leading up to my wedding until I was complaining to a friend about how I didn't even know where to start when it came to everything that still needs to get done. Of course I had thought about having a day-of timeline for my wedding, but now that August 12th is just weeks away, it's been incredibly helpful to take time to write out every little thing that needs to get done before our wedding day, then share it with my bridesmaids, mom and whomever else is helping us prepare. That way, I don't feel like all of the weight of wedding planning is on just my shoulders, and I can breathe knowing there are others who know what needs to be accomplished.

Spend more intentional time together as a couple.

Protect your relationship as a couple. This might sound defensive, but unless you intentionally schedule time with your beloved during these busy weeks, it's not going to happen. It's important to cling to one another during this time. You are both about to experience a life-changing moment together. Engagement is a time of new challenges and maybe unexpected difficulties. Whatever stresses, worries and fears that you are experiencing, these are opportunities for you to grow stronger as a couple. But you can't do that unless you spend time together! Set apart time each week where you do not plan or talk about your upcoming nuptials (or at least keep the wedding chatter to a minimum) and just enjoy each other's company. Take time to still get to know your fiancé and fall even more in love together. Cherish this special time.

Take time for self-care.

 As Nicole Caruso mentioned in our Bridal Makeup Tutorial, it's incredibly important as a bride to take time for self-care. It might be the last thing on your mind, but when you don't take time to prepare yourself, mentally, emotionally and physically, for your new life as a wife, you can fall into the trap of losing perspective. Make sure to schedule time for not only prayer, but doing things that you love. That can be working out, taking a yoga class, reading a book from your favorite genre, attending counseling, taking a bath with your favorite bath salts or getting a massage. I'd highly recommend journaling during this time as well. Journaling helps me assess where I am emotionally and spiritually. Whatever self-care means to you, take time to do something just for yourself and relax. 

Let it go.

 In the words of Elsa, let it go. During your final weeks of engagement, remain focused on why you're getting married in the first place. You are being called into a sacred union with your beloved and Jesus Christ. Along with your to-do list, create a list of things that you are okay with not getting done before your wedding day. These might be last-minute DIY projects or fun ideas that just aren't getting executed. It's okay if not everything comes together as you had imagined. Your wedding day is just one day and at the end of it, you'll be married, which is all that matters!

Let go of any pressure that others, or you, are putting on yourself and go with the flow. If the florist doesn't get your order quite right or the ring bearers' suits aren't the perfect color, it's still going to be a beautiful day. Enjoy these last days of being a bride and soak up every moment. It only happens once! 

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About the Author: Elise Crawford is Spoken Bride's Social Media Coordinator. She is the owner of Ringlet Studio marketing. Read more

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The Importance of Healthy Boundaries During Wedding Planning

CHRISTINA DEHAN JALOWAY

Wedding planning is stressful no matter how you slice it, but when you throw two different extended families into the mix, things can get…complicated. The mother of the bride wants everyone dressed in tuxes and evening gowns, while the mother of the groom insists on a more casual dress code. One side of the family isn’t Catholic and doesn’t understand why the wedding party can’t break out the bubbly right before the wedding Mass. Or perhaps the guest list is the bone of contention: one set of parents insists on everyone being invited—budget notwithstanding—including that friend-of-the-family you haven’t seen since you were two years old.

What some couples don’t realize is that there is an emotionally healthy and charitable way to keep these potential conflicts. By setting clear boundaries with both of your families, you’ll not only avoid wedding planning drama (and the tears that accompany it), you’ll also be setting the tone for your future interactions with extended family.

Be realistic about how much autonomy you and your fiancé can expect during the planning process.

If your parents are paying for some or all of the festivities, you probably can’t reasonably insist on having complete control over the details—especially when it comes to the reception. Think of it this way: this is your parents' gift to you. Normally, we don’t get to choose the gifts that others give us; we simply accept them, even if they’re not exactly what we wanted. No matter how frustrated you may get during the planning process, remember that at the end of the day, you and your husband will be married, which is what matters.

That said, if you want total control from soup to nuts, you’ll need to pay for most everything yourself (like one of our recent contributors, Katie, and her now-husband did). This may not be an option for young couples who are getting married right out of college or grad school, but it’s definitely something to consider if you and your fiancé have been working in the “real world” for a few years.

Communicate clearly from the beginning.

Figure out what you’re willing to compromise on, and what’s non-negotiable for you and your fiancé, and discuss it with both sets of parents as soon as possible. A face-to-face meeting of some kind (FaceTime counts) is preferable, as emails can be easily misinterpreted. Make sure your parents and future in-laws know how much you value their support and input, but make it clear that there are certain things you’re not willing to budge on—especially when it comes to the nuptial Mass. This will be particularly important if one set of parents isn’t Catholic.

Remember that you’re laying the groundwork for your new family’s future.

After you get married, your primary family unit is you and your husband, not you and your family of origin. This is a tough transition to make, especially if you’re close to your family or are still working on establishing healthy boundaries with them. Think of engagement and wedding planning as a trial run for newlywed life, when parents and siblings may struggle to accept that your primary roles are not daughter/sister anymore. You and your future husband are a team, and the more you act as a team while engaged, the easier it will be to set healthy boundaries with your families in the future—especially if you have children.

Don’t be afraid to say “no” (charitably).

Christian charity is not the same thing as being a doormat. Yes, it’s difficult to say “no” to your well-meaning family members (or future in-laws) when they offer their opinions, advice, or assistance, but there is a kind way to do so. The key is to thank them whole-heartedly for their suggestion, and calmly explain that you and your fiancé have already decided to go in a different direction.

Enlist your fiancé's help.

Your fiancé is your biggest ally and can encourage you as you try to establish boundaries, especially with your own family. Make sure you keep him in the loop as much as possible, so that he can call you out if he sees that boundaries are being crossed in either direction. On the flip side, be sure to let him know if you feel like he needs to work on boundaries with his family, especially if you feel as though he is prioritizing his family’s feelings over yours.

If you want to learn how to establish healthy boundaries, consider discussing the topic with a pre-martial counselor in your area. You and your fiancé may also want to check out the following books as part of your marriage preparation:

Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman

Facing Codependence by Pia Mellody

Attachments: Why You Love, Feel, and Act the Way You Do by Dr. Tim Clinton

About the Author: Christina Dehan Jaloway is Spoken Bride's Associate Editor. She is the author of the blog The Evangelista. Read more

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Planning your dream wedding without breaking the bank

KATIE WALDOW

One semester during college, my friend Kate and I started the tradition of getting together to study a few times a month. And by “study” I mean we would meet at Barnes & Noble to pour over the pages of every bridal magazine on the shelf until they kicked us out because we only bought one latte.

I had been dreaming of my wedding day since I was a little girl (cliche, I know). It would be a summer wedding with me wearing a princess dress, bridesmaids in yellow chiffon, and every friend and family member on the dance floor in perfect harmony. Conveniently, I wasn’t dreaming about the financial and logistical implications of hosting a wedding for all of our nearest and dearest. The moment my now-husband, Stephen, and I started discussing engagement and marriage, however, all of that changed. Because we are both one of four, and because we wanted total freedom in the planning process we made the decision to pay for our wedding on our own. Today I am sharing a few ways we planned our dream wedding without breaking the bank.

Design a Dream Budget, but Be Aware of Reality.

Before we were engaged I made a list of all the things I wanted for our wedding day, including everything from dress to DJ. Next to each item I wrote the maximum amount of money I’d be willing to spend, and the grand total reached almost $45,000, which was both overwhelming and unrealistic. I wanted a dream wedding, but there was no way it would be possible at that price. Writing it all down was an important exercise for me, because seeing the potential reality of wedding costs on paper helped me to start planning with a firm grasp on reality.

Readjusting my expectations, knowing how quickly things could add up, crossing certain items off the list entirely, and being mindful of budget challenged me to get creative. It also helped me to reevaluate my priorities and focus on what is most important: the Sacrament itself.

Ask Friends and Family to Share Their Time and Talents

Like us, I am sure you have talented friends and family members who would love to be involved in your special day. Don’t be afraid to ask if they’d be willing to share their gifts and talents with you!  Our main motivation in doing this was to give the day a more personal touch, but it did save money overall to pay those we knew for their expertise. Stephen and I wanted to include as many loved ones as possible by supporting their time and talents, while also sharing their gifts with our other guests.

Although the major elements like venue and photographer were through traditional vendors, almost everything else came from friends and family. Our flowers were ordered online and put together by my youth group students, the groom’s cake was made by Steve’s aunt, and my best friend’s husband went above and beyond to make our wedding video. Two good friends from college and my baby sister sang for our Mass, and another of my sisters took our engagement photos. A dear friend made four different flavors of cupcakes in lieu of a wedding cake, and my family offered their beautiful car to drive me the church. It was truly special to look back on the day and see so many details lovingly created by people who mean so much to us.

Be Creative and Intentional about Saving Money

When I was living on my own I read the Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey and quickly adopted his Envelope System as a way to budget my money and pay down student loans.  I took this same approach to our wedding, writing savings goals or item totals on the outside of the envelopes, and dividing my paycheck into each one weekly. Figuratively spending my paycheck by budgeting this way allowed me to avoid impulse spending, and helped us meet the different payment deadlines for various vendors.

We are fortunate that Steve doesn’t have any student loan debt, and I was living with my grandmother during the time of our engagement, which allowed a good amount of money from our jobs to be used for wedding costs. Stephen’s parents generously hosted the rehearsal dinner, and my family was able to help with some of the venue costs. Despite these advantages, we still had to find creative ways to pay for everything. Throughout the year we were engaged I worked as a waitress in the summer, as a part-time nanny, and I helped a local wedding planner with her social media account, in addition to my full time job. I sold clothes I didn’t need on Poshmark, or through a local consignment shop. Steve worked two jobs, and picked up a summer parking gig at our parish. It was exhausting, I’ll admit, but it was temporary and I know it is a huge reason why we did not start our marriage with a massive amount of wedding debt.

Let Go of What the Wedding Industry Says You “Have to Have” for the Perfect Day

Now more than ever, there are so many options and elements that could go into a wedding day, and it’s easy to get caught up in the extras. Every time Stephen and I thought we’d remembered everything, another potential expense popped up. Knowing and continually revisiting our budget, and cutting out non-essentials helped keep us from feeling the pressure to add more and more.

I remember spending so much energy thinking about wedding favors, but we couldn’t ever agree on one thing that didn’t feel wasteful or was within the budget. After much debate we decided to forgo favors entirely, and focused instead on spending individual time with our guests and personally thanking them for sharing the day with us. As much as a sweet favor can represent the couple and add beautiful detail, it didn’t feel essential for us. Letting go of the elements that didn’t fit our style freed up the budget for the things that were most important to us.

Focus on God  and the Sacrament of Marriage

Throughout our engagement we used different resources to help us keep the focus on the sacrament itself. Three to Get Married by Fulton Sheen, Embracing God’s Plan for Marriage: A Scripture Study for Couples by Mark & Melanie Hart, and the Magnificat were all helpful resources we used to guide our spiritual preparation. The night before our wedding, we left our rehearsal dinner and headed to a local church with perpetual adoration. It was in this same church where our engagement story started and we wanted to take a few moments together to pray, knowing the next day would be a whirlwind.

Stephen and I went through many unexpected trials throughout our engagement, but centering ourselves in prayer was so key. It helped us trust that God would walk with us through the difficult days, and gave us peace of mind in all areas of the planning process.

The journey of engagement is a beautiful and joyful time, but merging finances and opinions and lifelong dreams can quickly turn into struggle and stress if you don’t have your priorities straight. Although Stephen and I were not exempt from these difficulties, we made it through together and we truly enjoyed every minute of our wedding day-- even the part where our getaway car died and we had to improvise. Praying throughout our engagement and knowing God was preparing us for a lifetime together instead of just one day helped put everything into perspective and brought us true peace and joy.

I hope that sharing some of the ways we saved for our wedding will be a source of inspiration for you, and I’d love to hear any creative things you have done throughout your own wedding planning!

Photography by Salt Water Studios

Katie Waldow is a youth minister currently living in Ocean City, NJ with her husband, Stephen, and their dog and cat. She loves the beach, a double espresso and anything blush colored. Her favorite way to pray is reciting the Divine Mercy Chaplet in song. You can find her documenting more of her life & adventures over at heykatie.co .                        

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