It's a classic Catholic wedding problem: how do you explain the significance of the Eucharist, and the requirements for receiving it, to your wedding guests who aren't Catholic? We have some tips to help you navigate these tricky ecumenical waters with charity and grace.
Read MoreSTEPHANIE CALIS
Two weeks ago, we started a discussion on what it means to evangelize your wedding guests by choosing to wait until after the wedding to live together. The first post in this series described what that kind of evangelization actually looks like, alongside tips for engaging your friends and family in productive conversations about cohabitation. We're concluding these posts today with points to consider in your own relationship and in preparation for the everyday of uniting your life, your habits, and your belongings with someone else's.
Whether a couple is practicing chastity or not, the implication with living together is that they are having sex. For the couple who is having sex, the emotional and physical bond it creates can make it harder to see the relationship with clear eyes. “Whenever a person is sexually involved with another person, neurochemical changes occur in both their brains that encourage limbic, emotional bonding...Two people may decide to have sex ‘just for the fun of it,’ yet something is occurring on another level they might not have decided on at all: sex is enhancing an emotional bond between them whether they want it or not.” For the couple who is abstaining from sex, there's not really a way to convince people outside the relationship that they are living together, but not sleeping together, creating an occasion for gossip and scandal.
Chastity, which differs from abstinence in part because it doesn’t end in marriage, is creative. It demands radical sacrifice and bears a life more fully and freely lived, and it challenges and encourages you as a couple to express your love in ways beyond the physical.
Take the matter of how to practically prepare for married life, for instance. While some put forth that moving in together is a way to “test run” your potential marriage and determine whether you’re compatible in your living habits, I’d argue there are plenty of creative alternatives to practice for your future roommate status, including cooking, completing wedding projects and DIYs, and building furniture or making improvements to your future home together. Activities like these offer a glimpse of how your future spouse deals with mental or physical challenges, differences of opinion, and the tension between collaborating or pursuing tasks independently. Chances are, they'll also hold up a mirror to how you handle these same concerns.
What’s more, working on projects and small daily tasks together during a time when you are proximately preparing for marriage takes the “test” aspect out of “test run.” Although discernment doesn’t necessarily end at engagement, the two of you have made a commitment to each other. What that looks like, practically speaking, is a level of respect and permanence that wasn’t there before. The “test” or “trial” mentality tends to cultivate a sense of waiting for the other person to make a mistake or to cast doubt on your certainty, rather than call to mind the strengths of the other and encourage honest discussion of areas in which the both of you can call each other on.
If you’re reading this and you are living with your fiance, believe that the Father knows your heart and the intentions behind that choice. He loves you so tenderly, desiring only your best good in a specific, personal way. It’s not too late to change your living arrangements before your wedding or to make the choice to abstain from sex until you’re married. It’s a bold, hard, and possibly inconvenient choice, but one that will strengthen your marriage before it starts by refining your ability to lay your desires down for the sake of the other. Bear in mind, as well, that some dioceses require couples to live apart for a certain period before the wedding as a part of their marriage preparation.
No matter what their living situation and what path they’ve been on, every couple’s path to the altar is a constant purification, constant fire. Whatever yours, know you don’t walk it alone. There is sweetness in the Cross’s heaviness, because on the other side lies immeasurable rejoicing. Living out our identity in Christ and our sexuality as they are meant to be lived makes us free. And freedom is for love.
We're eager to continue this conversation. Is there anything we've left out, or anything you'd like to add to the matters of chastity and marriage prep discussed here? What has your experience been of preparing for married life in the everyday?
About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more
STEPHANIE CALIS
In an age where more than half of marriages begin with cohabitation and the majority of cohabiters view their living situation as a step towards marriage (whether that would entail a "slide" into marriage or an active decision), waiting until after your wedding to live together has come to be perceived as, at least, counter-cultural and at most, foolhardy. Well-meaning friends and family might receive news of your engagement with, "So are you going to move in soon?"
It's tempting to answer questions like these with an emphatic "Of course not," followed by a discourse on Church teaching. Honestly, though? That approach might not win many converts to your point of view; or, if not conversion, at least a clearer, more reasoned understanding of your views. Engagement is rich with potential minefields of moral questions from those you know, which also makes it rich with potential opportunities: occasions to truly listen to and see another and to defy stereotypes of what evangelization is all about.
I've become convinced that in many ways, the what of arguments in favor of the Catholic faith are secondary to the how of the way you present them. It's true that the Church's position on waiting until you are a married couple to act like a married couple is nonnegotiable. It's in the best interest of the person's capacity for virtue and true freedom. Yet often, appeals to authority and argument often aren't nearly as compelling as appealing to the human heart.
What I mean by an appeal to the heart is this: when you're living out your words, actions, sexuality, and identity as they're meant to be lived--that is, with the intention of cultivating authentic love and self-sacrifice, eyes fixed on heaven--there is something so arresting, so captivating, so eminently noticeable. In the case of engagement, a couple who chooses to forego convenience and to practice sexual self-control embodies self-gift. Their relationship witnesses to the truth of who we are, and the truth that joy flows from love’s demands. Love centered on Christ and on the other speaks for itself, all without saying a word.
But words are most likely going to come up at some point. So what's a faithful couple to say?
It’s possible to create a non-religious ethos without compromising your religious beliefs--after all, we as Catholics believe that the Father’s plan for our freedom and happiness aligns with natural law and natural virtue. When someone asks why you and your fiancé have chosen not to live together before marriage, consider asking him or her what the point of serious dating and engagement actually are. Once a relationship is serious, both people are committed to each other to some degree, whether that commitment has been communicated verbally or through an engagement ring.
If, during that time, the couple is preparing for the long term (in whatever way that looks like to them--cohabitation for many secular couples, and ideally not cohabitation for faithful ones), it's important to know what strengths and good qualities your partner possesses, and how their virtues will help you yourself to grow in virtue. Someone who opts to live together before marriage is essentially saying she is okay living and sleeping with someone she isn’t married to. A wedding ring won't automatically change that outlook.
Granted, the likelihood of unfaithfulness in the context of this argument is a little extreme; there are certainly couples who live together and genuinely will good things for each other. Ultimately, though, the fact that your partner wants the fun trappings of married life but not the true commitment of having spoken marriage vows shows a lack of self-discipline and patience. Would most people want to be married to someone who could control their desires and say no, or to someone who couldn't?
Choosing to wait until after the wedding to move in is a way to grow in that discipline and self-control. So, the point of a committed relationship isn't to see how much one can get from the other--the convenience, fun, and romance of living together before marriage, that is--but how much one can give, by loving selflessly.
If you’re reading this and you are living with your fiancé, believe that the Father knows your heart and the intentions behind that choice. He loves you so tenderly, desiring only your best good in a specific, personal way. It’s not too late to change your living arrangements before your wedding or to make the choice to abstain from sex until you’re married. It’s a bold, hard, and possibly inconvenient choice, but one that will strengthen your marriage before it starts by refining your ability to lay your desires down for the sake of the other.
Check back in two weeks for the conclusion of this post, including practical ways to practice for married life without moving in together or diminishing the virtue and true freedom found in chastity.
Meantime, dialogue is so needed in this commonplace conversation, and we'd love your input: in your experience, has the question of cohabitation come up from friends and family members? Anything you'd like to add on the question of how to witness to the Catholic faith in an authentic way and how to answer questions about why you're waiting to move in together?
About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more
ELISE CRAWFORD
SAVE THE DATE ...our Social Media Coordinator, Elise Crawford, is marrying Hunter, her college sweetheart, on August 12, 2017. We're overjoyed for her and are thrilled to share with you a peek into one bride's real-life wedding planning. Over the next year, we'll feature monthly pieces from Elise on marriage prep, choosing wedding details, and her spirituality as a bride-to-be. Join us in praying for Elise and Hunter during this sacred time of anticipation!
Photography: Meaghan Clare Photography at The Shrine of St. Anthony
Hunter and I now are in the thick of wedding planning! In the last month, we looked at 10 different reception venues (!) and three different church locations. In the spirit of honesty... this process was much more difficult than I expected.
After viewing all of the venues, we chose a church for the Mass, one five minutes from my parents' home, and a beautiful reception venue located about 15 minutes from the church. We booked both for August 5, 2017. Well, one week after we did so, the reception venue called and informed us that August 5th was no longer available! Long story short, we ended up pushing our wedding back one week and booking another church.
Needless to say, this whole experience was a bit stressful. Coordination between the church and reception venue was not the easiest. So why, as Catholics, do we value the location of our wedding ceremonies? Why do we need to marry in a church? Why couldn't I just get married at my reception location?
According to Canon Law, a couple who wishes to be married in the Catholic Church must do so according to canonical form. This means a marriage between two Catholics, or between a Catholic and a baptized non-Catholic, is to be celebrated in a formal church setting. Those who wish to wed someplace else, say outdoors, must obtain permission from their Diocesan Bishop. This is a true possibility, but receiving this permission isn't very easy. In order for a dispensation to be granted, there must be a grave reason why the couple cannot marry within a church.
So, does the Church just want to cramp our style? Does it just like limiting our choices for wedding locations to make things difficult? Of course the answer is no! But why?
The answer goes back to the fact that marriage, at its core, is a sacrament. At the moment of our vows, Hunter and I will be entering into a sacred bond, something that exists beyond just the two of us. This 'yes' to each other involves not only our decision to marry, but it also involves our Creator, our Redeemer and our Lover, Jesus Christ. The act of having a wedding within the Church is a reminder of our origin as human beings. We were created in Love and it is within the presence of God, Love itself, that we promise a forever love to each other as husband and wife.
As Catholics, we recognize the sacredness of a physical church. Not only is it a place of prayer and peace, it is the home of the Eucharist. One could argue that yes, we do find God's presence everywhere-- in nature, in every day moments--but it is within a church, in the presence of Jesus' body and blood, that we find him fully: body, blood, soul and divinity. The Catholic Church recognizes the beauty and sacredness of marriage and therefore asks couples to share in that sacredness on their wedding day; to enter into the sacrament of marriage in the presence of God himself ,asking him to be present with them as they begin their life together.
Paulist Father Larry Rice wrote, "A church isn't just a set or backdrop for a wedding; rather, a wedding is an expression of a faith community's joys and hopes." One of the most humbling parts of planning a wedding is realizing that it's really not all about you and your fiancé. Suddenly everyone, not just the two of you, has an opinion about the photographer, the food, and the bridesmaid dresses! No matter how stressful, this is a good thing. Planning your life with your future spouse should involve your friends and family. It truly is a communal effort. Sacraments, including the sacrament of marriage, belong not only to the person or people receiving the sacrament, but to those they love and who love them.
A sister once told me that a vocation, either to religious life, marriage or priesthood, is truly for the whole Church, the whole world. She is so right. Holding your wedding in a Catholic church is a beautiful act of surrendering your marriage, not only to God in asking for His guidance, but to the Church as a whole. By getting married in a church, you are making a statement to your community that says, 'Our marriage belongs to God, our Church, our families and our friends." Like the Eucharist, a married couple is meant to be broken and given. Their talents, love and future family are truly a gift to everyone they encounter. Through good times and bad, the couple will strive to make a gift of themselves to those around them.
If you're having a difficult time accepting the Church's teaching on your wedding location, take heart. You are not alone! Pray to Our Lady and ask for her to show you the sacred beauty of the Church. Spend time in your local parish praying; open your heart to the beauty of the Tabernacle in front of you.
Any brides out there that have struggled with finding a reception venue or Church location? Share your experience below in the comments! As always, please pray for Hunter and I as we continue on this journey toward the sacrament of marriage!
CLAIRE WATSON
I love being Catholic. My husband loves being Catholic. But unfortunately we aren’t always the pearly white beacons of holiness we aspire to be. Sometimes we curse at our phones when they don't work. Last time I went to Adoration, I ended up texting someone to come relieve me after an hour. Often, we are that brassy Catholic family that talks too loud and drinks green beer on Saint Patrick’s Day.
That being said, I do try to honor the faith. First and foremost, I follow my conscience. I don’t ascribe to blind acceptance of dogma, but I do give the Church a running start and try to understand her teachings, even when I initially disagree.
Image: Claire Watson Photography
Before I got married I was a virgin, and I was pretty proud of that accomplishment (I know; pride ain’t pretty). So when I got engaged and started learning about chastity within marriage, I was miffed. I thought,
I’ve waited 28 years to have sex. Now you’re telling me that I have to wait even more if I don’t want to pop a bun in this oven?! Not fair. And what about the fact that the time that I am most … amorous… is the time that I’m most fertile and therefore won’t be able to have sex with my husband? How is that okay? How is that not sexist and a barrier between spouses?!
With that mindset, I promised, despite my irritation, that I would give the Church’s position a fighting chance. My fiancé was on board, and we agreed we would read the Church’s reasoning, talk with couples that practiced Natural Family Planning (NFP), and come to a thoughtful decision before our wedding night.
As we trudged through thinking, reading, and praying, something weird happened. I started getting mad at other institutions instead of the Church: why have so many feminists decided disfiguring the female pattern celebrates womanhood? Why do we throw 14 year old girls on hormones but buy organic hamburgers (the risks of the Pill speak for themselves)? After I started asking questions, specifically about the Pill’s shortcomings, my heart was softened to the Church’s reasoning for avoiding artificial birth control. The Church’s reasoning seemed sound, but what made it stick for me was something else; something not typically associated with birth control.
The Catholic Church cares about sex. A lot. NFP is not about putting the kibosh on your sex life. It’s simply telling you to not separate sex and the possibility of fertility. NFP recognizes that God built a pretty amazing pattern into women--even if you’re not sold on NFP just yet, at least check out the science for the sake of nerding out. Women’s cycles have a pattern of natural, fairly predictable times of higher and lower fertility. Because it’s part of a woman’s design, recognizing it and using it is not a perversion of that design.
The Church encourages husbands and wives to prayerfully consider their lives and means before attempting to conceive. However, this also calls couples to recognize that sex is always a potentially creative act. NFP seeks to “reflect the dignity of the human person within the context of marriage and family life, promotes openness to life, and recognizes the value of the child. By respecting the love-giving and life-giving nature of marriage, NFP can enrich the bond between husband and wife.”
And while I couldn’t possibly get into all the ways I think NFP has helped our marriage, I will say NFP has made me feel incredibly empowered.
It keeps our lines of communication open and keeps our sex about sex--it makes me feel so icky when I hear sitcoms joke about sex as a bargaining chip.
Now then, on to the thing that made it all click for me. Something that may turn you off. Something that would probably irritate a lot of your Facebook friends. Stay with me…
Life is neither to be refused nor demanded.
I was already pro-life, and I was tenuously coming around on the birth control issue, but honestly, I had never thought of the “life demanded” part of the issue. The Church denounces In vitro fertilization for the same reason it denounces artificial birth control: because it separates sex and fertility. This matter includes everyone from gay couples who desire a child to traditional couples who mourn an inability to naturally conceive.
And my heart goes out to them. I cannot sweepingly, callously announce to you that every person engaging in IVF is simply stomping their feet and demanding a baby. If anything, the teaching that there are moral limits to achieving pregnancy is harder to swallow than the teaching that there are moral limits to avoiding pregnancy. Sex and fertility are connected, and they’re important.
As a teen, a poem from Kahlil Gibran’s The Prophet about the relationship between children and adults really stuck with me. Gibran explained that if children are arrows, parents are not archers; they are the bow. In my youth I pondered how this meant parents shouldn’t try to control their children’s destinies. But Gibran’s words come back to me when I now consider adults seeking to become parents:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you...
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow…
In short, we do not own our children and cannot command or deny their existence. This is the basis for both sides of the NFP spectrum. God intended for sex and conception to go hand in hand. To separate the two, either for achieving or avoiding pregnancy, corrupts his creation and intention. If one’s body is injured or has a defect, there’s nothing wrong with attempting to cure the body so that it can conceive--that is in line with design. But separating sex and conception rejects that design.
Though my body is my own, my temple was built by God. And even while sometimes I’d love to change some things about my body, it is beautifully designed. The fact that God gifted me with fertility and breaks from fertility is something I no longer take for granted. It turned out all the Church needed was that running start and open mind.
A Catholic Lifestyle Blog for Brides & Newlyweds
ABOUT / VENDORS / TERMS & POLICIES / SHOP POLICIES & FAQS
© 2016-2021 SPOKEN BRIDE, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
SAINT JOSEPH, PRAY FOR US. STS. LOUIS & ZELIE MARTIN, PRAY FOR US.
