Planning your dream wedding without breaking the bank

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KATIE WALDOW

One semester during college, my friend Kate and I started the tradition of getting together to study a few times a month. And by “study” I mean we would meet at Barnes & Noble to pour over the pages of every bridal magazine on the shelf until they kicked us out because we only bought one latte.

I had been dreaming of my wedding day since I was a little girl (cliche, I know). It would be a summer wedding with me wearing a princess dress, bridesmaids in yellow chiffon, and every friend and family member on the dance floor in perfect harmony. Conveniently, I wasn’t dreaming about the financial and logistical implications of hosting a wedding for all of our nearest and dearest. The moment my now-husband, Stephen, and I started discussing engagement and marriage, however, all of that changed. Because we are both one of four, and because we wanted total freedom in the planning process we made the decision to pay for our wedding on our own. Today I am sharing a few ways we planned our dream wedding without breaking the bank.

Design a Dream Budget, but Be Aware of Reality.

Before we were engaged I made a list of all the things I wanted for our wedding day, including everything from dress to DJ. Next to each item I wrote the maximum amount of money I’d be willing to spend, and the grand total reached almost $45,000, which was both overwhelming and unrealistic. I wanted a dream wedding, but there was no way it would be possible at that price. Writing it all down was an important exercise for me, because seeing the potential reality of wedding costs on paper helped me to start planning with a firm grasp on reality.

Readjusting my expectations, knowing how quickly things could add up, crossing certain items off the list entirely, and being mindful of budget challenged me to get creative. It also helped me to reevaluate my priorities and focus on what is most important: the Sacrament itself.

Ask Friends and Family to Share Their Time and Talents

Like us, I am sure you have talented friends and family members who would love to be involved in your special day. Don’t be afraid to ask if they’d be willing to share their gifts and talents with you!  Our main motivation in doing this was to give the day a more personal touch, but it did save money overall to pay those we knew for their expertise. Stephen and I wanted to include as many loved ones as possible by supporting their time and talents, while also sharing their gifts with our other guests.

Although the major elements like venue and photographer were through traditional vendors, almost everything else came from friends and family. Our flowers were ordered online and put together by my youth group students, the groom’s cake was made by Steve’s aunt, and my best friend’s husband went above and beyond to make our wedding video. Two good friends from college and my baby sister sang for our Mass, and another of my sisters took our engagement photos. A dear friend made four different flavors of cupcakes in lieu of a wedding cake, and my family offered their beautiful car to drive me the church. It was truly special to look back on the day and see so many details lovingly created by people who mean so much to us.

Be Creative and Intentional about Saving Money

When I was living on my own I read the Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey and quickly adopted his Envelope System as a way to budget my money and pay down student loans.  I took this same approach to our wedding, writing savings goals or item totals on the outside of the envelopes, and dividing my paycheck into each one weekly. Figuratively spending my paycheck by budgeting this way allowed me to avoid impulse spending, and helped us meet the different payment deadlines for various vendors.

We are fortunate that Steve doesn’t have any student loan debt, and I was living with my grandmother during the time of our engagement, which allowed a good amount of money from our jobs to be used for wedding costs. Stephen’s parents generously hosted the rehearsal dinner, and my family was able to help with some of the venue costs. Despite these advantages, we still had to find creative ways to pay for everything. Throughout the year we were engaged I worked as a waitress in the summer, as a part-time nanny, and I helped a local wedding planner with her social media account, in addition to my full time job. I sold clothes I didn’t need on Poshmark, or through a local consignment shop. Steve worked two jobs, and picked up a summer parking gig at our parish. It was exhausting, I’ll admit, but it was temporary and I know it is a huge reason why we did not start our marriage with a massive amount of wedding debt.

Let Go of What the Wedding Industry Says You “Have to Have” for the Perfect Day

Now more than ever, there are so many options and elements that could go into a wedding day, and it’s easy to get caught up in the extras. Every time Stephen and I thought we’d remembered everything, another potential expense popped up. Knowing and continually revisiting our budget, and cutting out non-essentials helped keep us from feeling the pressure to add more and more.

I remember spending so much energy thinking about wedding favors, but we couldn’t ever agree on one thing that didn’t feel wasteful or was within the budget. After much debate we decided to forgo favors entirely, and focused instead on spending individual time with our guests and personally thanking them for sharing the day with us. As much as a sweet favor can represent the couple and add beautiful detail, it didn’t feel essential for us. Letting go of the elements that didn’t fit our style freed up the budget for the things that were most important to us.

Focus on God  and the Sacrament of Marriage

Throughout our engagement we used different resources to help us keep the focus on the sacrament itself. Three to Get Married by Fulton Sheen, Embracing God’s Plan for Marriage: A Scripture Study for Couples by Mark & Melanie Hart, and the Magnificat were all helpful resources we used to guide our spiritual preparation. The night before our wedding, we left our rehearsal dinner and headed to a local church with perpetual adoration. It was in this same church where our engagement story started and we wanted to take a few moments together to pray, knowing the next day would be a whirlwind.

Stephen and I went through many unexpected trials throughout our engagement, but centering ourselves in prayer was so key. It helped us trust that God would walk with us through the difficult days, and gave us peace of mind in all areas of the planning process.

The journey of engagement is a beautiful and joyful time, but merging finances and opinions and lifelong dreams can quickly turn into struggle and stress if you don’t have your priorities straight. Although Stephen and I were not exempt from these difficulties, we made it through together and we truly enjoyed every minute of our wedding day-- even the part where our getaway car died and we had to improvise. Praying throughout our engagement and knowing God was preparing us for a lifetime together instead of just one day helped put everything into perspective and brought us true peace and joy.

I hope that sharing some of the ways we saved for our wedding will be a source of inspiration for you, and I’d love to hear any creative things you have done throughout your own wedding planning!

Photography by Salt Water Studios


Katie Waldow is a youth minister currently living in Ocean City, NJ with her husband, Stephen, and their dog and cat. She loves the beach, a double espresso and anything blush colored. Her favorite way to pray is reciting the Divine Mercy Chaplet in song. You can find her documenting more of her life & adventures over at heykatie.co .                        

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How To Do Your Own Bridal Makeup | Video Tutorial

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This post contains affiliate links. All opinions are our own and those of the vendors featured in this piece. We believe in authenticity and honesty, and only recommend products and services we would buy and use ourselves. For more information about our disclosure policy as required by the FTC, please see our Terms of Service.

A major part of our mission at Spoken Bride is communicating God's goodness through the medium of beauty. Beauty is an invitation; an outer glimpse into the interior truth of every person. It reflects the deepest desire of our hearts to be known and seen: Behold, you are beautiful, my beloved...let me see your face, let me hear your voice. 

On your wedding day, of course, this longing to be seen is tangibly present as you, the bride, prepare yourself as a gift to your bridegroom. Self-gift is beautiful; radiant in a woman who knows her dignity, worth, and genius. The desire to take extra care with your appearance as you enter into your vocation is natural and good, an integration of the outer and the inner.

This spring, we were thrilled to collaborate with a team of gifted men and women out to pursue and share the Father's glory through beauty. Professional makeup artist Nicole Caruso believes and understands every person is beautiful, made in the Father's image, and jumped at the chance to create a bridal makeup tutorial you can follow and recreate for your big day, with pro-level results.

Click above to view video tutorial

From Nicole: On your wedding day, makeup, hair, and a beautiful dress accentuate your features with special touches. Makeup is a tool to highlight your natural beauty. Following this tutorial step-by-step will help you achieve a flawless, bright complexion, sparkling eyes, and a feminine blushing-bride glow that is the perfect accompaniment to any dress and hairstyle.

If you’re wondering what separates your everyday beauty routine from bridal makeup, just think of taking 3 additional steps than usual like adding extra mascara, a touch of blush, or a rosy lip— something that feels a little more glamorous than usual, but isn’t completely different to what you’re used to. Your wedding day is not the day to change your look completely, in my opinion. Save hair color changes, fake tanning, or a new skincare product for another time (or, test it months before your big day!). 

Typically, a professional makeup artist will charge anywhere from $100-$300 for bridal makeup. For some, that is a large investment for one day, and for others it is a special treat of self-care on their wedding day. In the event that you want to do your own makeup and need to purchase a few new items, the cost may also be between $100-$300, but you get to keep all of the makeup to take along on your honeymoon, and use throughout the first year of your marriage, since most products last up to 12 months (just check the bottom of the product to find out). 

If you follow these steps in this tutorial, I know you will not only look beautiful, but you will radiate confidence as you walk down the aisle. 

Products Used

Click images to enlarge.

The Team Behind The Scenes

Nicole M. Caruso is a wife, mother, makeup artist, and writer. Formerly the Beauty Editor of Verily Magazine, Nicole now shares her expert style and beauty advice, tips on healthy living, and reflections on marriage and motherhood on her website, where she hopes to inspire women to invest in their self-worth. The New York native now resides in Northern Virginia with her husband and daughter. 

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Meaghan Farley is a natural light, portrait, wedding and lifestyle photographer from the Maryland area. She wants her work to celebrate the uniqueness and beauty of the individual(s) she is capturing. As such, she aims to creates timeless, clean images that are not over edited. She works with the natural environment around her to focus on bringing attention to that which is already beautiful.

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Shelagh Bolger brings 7 years of event production experience in the entertainment, non-profit, and political industries successfully planning hundreds of events ranging in size from intimate dinners for 8 to festivals and conferences with thousands of attendees. Her comprehensive logistical and technical skills are coupled with a keen eye for event design and décor. Having lived in Rome, Italy, Shelagh brings her love of art and architecture into her design vision for each event. Styling credentials include attendance at the award winning En Masse Boutique Flower School and the Wild Hand Workspace Photo Styling and Image Creation Workshop. Shelagh’s styling and party planning tips have been published in Darling Magazine and Verily Magazine.

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Megan McCleneghen is originally from Dallas, TX.  She received her B.A in Religious and Pastoral Studies from Mater Ecclesiae College in Smithfield, RI. Megan worked as a coordinator of religious education and as a high school youth minister in Houston, Texas. In 2014 she moved to Washington, D.C. to begin a Master's degree in Theology. She is a current student of the John Paul II Institute at the Catholic University of America and works as a Development Associate at the Saint Luke Institute. Last fall she participated as a model in D.C. Fashion Week. In her free time, Megan enjoys a good British mystery and exploring the beautiful city of Washington. 

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Videography: Max Haben | Photography: Meaghan Clare Photography | Styling: Shelagh Bolger | Makeup Artist: Nicole Caruso | Model: Megan McCleneghen

Hannah + Jared | Elegant City Wedding

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Despite her skepticism, hearing of a FOCUS missionary's success story on the dating app Coffee Meets Bagel convinced Hannah to give the app a try. Within a few days, Jared popped up as a match, and he soon asked her out on a real date, willingly making the trip to meet her from his Army base in Biloxi, Mississippi. At the time, Hannah was studying Theology at Spring Hill College not far away, in Mobile, Alabama.

What started as a simple coffee date morphed into lunch, followed by a stop by Hannah's campus chapel, botanical gardens, dinner, and plans for a second date. When they officially declared their relationship a few dates later, both were struck by the ease of friendship and lightheartedness they shared, making the new feel familiar.

Shortly after, when Jared graduated medical school and was relocated near Seattle for residency, Hannah accompanied him on the forty-five hour drive to his new town. After days on the road, discussing life’s big questions and listening to Catholic radio, they knew their friendship had become real love. They saw in each other the desire for a holy marriage and the qualities of mutual love and respect that could make it possible. Three months later, when Hannah returned to Washington for a visit, Jared got down on one knee. 

From the Bride: A long-distance engagement didn't seem ideal, but it helped us focus on communication and was part of God’s plan for our engagement nonetheless. Thankfully, technology provided us with an opportunity to prepare for the sacrament of matrimony online through Catholic Marriage Prep's program. After six months, our endless planning, prayers, reflection, and support from family and friends brought us to our anxiously awaited wedding day. 

Like most Catholic little girls, I always envisioned myself having an elaborate wedding Mass, and upon realizing God’s call for my vocation was, in fact, to be a wife, the desire remained. Now though, I wanted a wedding mass for different reasons than when I was young--most importantly, the Eucharist. I knew now that if we were to have only a ceremony, there would be neither consecration nor distribution of the Eucharist. The presence of the Eucharist, being the “source and summit of the Christian life,” seemed particularly important for our wedding day.

One potential roadblock to having a full nuptial Mass, however, was that my groom was not yet Catholic, nor baptized. Jared was in RCIA at the time, yet until he was baptized we would not be able to celebrate our wedding as a sacrament. A special request was put into the Bishop of Seattle for an early baptism for Jared. On January 21st, one month before our wedding, Jared's long-awaited desire to become Catholic was fulfilled, and he was fully initiated into the Church!

In a spirit of thanksgiving, we planned our wedding Mass right away. Incorporating our guests was an influential factor--our friends and family in attendance would be from varying faith backgrounds. For some, it would be their first Mass experience; for others, it would be their first time in church after many years away. With that in mind, we wanted the songs and readings we chose to reflect our personal preferences, but more importantly, to reflect our experience of God as a loving and merciful Father. 

We chose John 15 for our Gospel reading, which includes the famous verse, “there is no greater love than this, to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” Seeing in this verse the complementary nature between the love of Jesus and the love of husband and wife, it seemed to encompass the perfect ‘love triangle’ our marriage prep had been talking about. The rest of the passage was also a good fit for our congregation, and we hoped it would particularly speak to those who were unfamiliar with the Word of God: “You are no longer slaves if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead I have called you friends, for everything I have learned from my father I have made known to you.” 

The beauty of our wedding also served as a means of evangelization, both for our guests and in our own hearts as the bride and groom. The church itself where we were married, Holy Family Parish, is beautiful yet understated and about a hundred years old. The traditional design and larger-than-life wooden crucifix call one’s attention to Jesus. I had been confirmed in this parish, my many aunts and uncles had also made their sacraments there, including some of their own weddings.

Jared and I strove to dress up as gifts for one another. I'd only tried on a few dresses before choosing the long-sleeved, beaded gown that I hoped would compliment Jared's fancy Captain’s dress uniform. Other small details also had lasting impact: my grandmother handmade a dozen gold bows for the pews; white lilies, my favorite flower, flanked the altar; on top of that, sun poured through the stained glass windows during Mass and despite the February date, the day was warm.

Remembering loved ones who couldn't be physically present at the wedding was also important to us. Jared's father passed away a few years prior due to cancer; his mother had a picture and tribute made for him displayed at the front of the church. We also remembered him during the Prayers of the Faithful, as well as my deceased grandparents who'd attended the church for nearly sixty years. Being able to lift their souls up in prayer was a comfort, as well as a reminder of everyone’s true, eternal home. 

At the culmination of the celebration, we were both joyfully able to receive Jesus in the Eucharist. The hymn, “Here I Am, Lord” was sang during communion, a childhood favorite of mine, followed by “Amazing Grace,” a beloved song to Jared. Once again, the complementary nature of the songs seemed to symbolically encompass our new union as husband and wife, as well as the union of each individual with Christ in the Eucharist. It was truly a sublime moment, one that leaves a lasting impact on the soul.

Time. My only sadness on my wedding day was time. It was the fastest thing to go; I loved every minute of that day. I loved it so much so I wished I could pause the moments, store them away, and walk back into them whenever I wanted. As a finite creature, I know it just cannot be. But as a hopeless romantic, I nonetheless long for an eternal love story.

My wedding helped me realize something my ten-year-old self would gasp at: marriage itself still does not satisfy my deepest longings, which are for God. Upon saying I do, though joyful and full of love, I did not magically feel complete. Perhaps it was the recognition that even spouses and fathers, though dearly loved, are not ours to keep. Time is part of the human condition, and one day God will come calling for all souls, which truly belong to Him.

While I wished to somehow pause our wedding day and make it last forever, I also realized the wedding wasn't the end, but the beginning of something much greater. It was amazing to tangibly celebrate our covenant together, surrounded by loved ones. However, like all earthly things, the cake, dancing, and merriment had to come to an end. We’re left now with each other and the gift of each day. Like our wedding, my greatest desire going forward is that we simply invite Him in, letting the Prince of Peace reign in our hearts and marriage.

Photographer's Business Name: Steven Dray Images  | Church: Holy Family Parish - New Brighton | Wedding Reception Venue: Kimpton Hotel Monaco Pittsburgh | DJ/Host and uplighting: Kelli Burns Entertainment | Flowers: Blossoms by Jillian | Dress: Justin Alexander | Dress/Veil: One Enchanted Evening, Zelienople, PA | Dessert table: Lauren at Sweet Boots Baking Co., Pittsburgh, PA  | Cake: Bethel Bakery, Bethel Park, PA | Maid Of Honor Dress: Jenny Yoo | Flower girl: Wrare Doll Custom | Bridemaids: Weddington Way | Card box: Steven and Rae

Newlywed Life | To Love + To Honor: the Learning Curve of Married Communication + the Learning Curve of Prayer

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CARISSA PLUTA

 

Even with significant, comprehensive preparation, even with the purest intentions and highest hopes, the reality of marriage sometimes looks a lot different from what you've imagined. And that can be good: life together as man and wife is a mirror, a purification, a road to the Resurrection by which we can't avoid the Cross. Over the upcoming months, our contributor Carissa Pluta is sharing her insights into transition and developing deeper communication and honesty as a couple.

Photography: Visual Grace

Photography: Visual Grace

When I told my husband Ben I was going to be writing about communication, he laughed. He knows me too well. Just the other day we got into an argument after he held up a blackened piece of toast, asking, “Is this too dark?”

It really had nothing to do with the toast. Ben thought he was doing something nice for his wife, and wanted to communicate that he cared about me and my toast preferences. But I heard the frustration in his voice after a tough evening, and thought that frustration was directed at me. There were so many other factors, so many minute (but important) details that turned what should have been a simple question into a half-hour argument.

While I have grown in my ability to communicate, especially in the ten months of our marriage, for me communication is the area of our relationship with the steepest learning curve.

When you get engaged, and then again when you enter into marriage, you quickly learn you need to communicate in ways you’ve never had to before. Your thoughts, your emotions, your words no longer just affect you. They profoundly and intimately affect your fiancé or spouse. It can be an exciting gift, to share so much of yourself with another, to be called to love someone in an entirely new way. But that doesn’t make it easy.

Early on, attempts to effectively communicate often lead to misunderstandings, arguments, and maybe even hurt feelings. It can frustrate us, and if you are anything like me, it sometimes leaves us wondering: Isn’t this supposed to be a happy time? Why does it seem like we are fighting all the time? Is there something wrong with our relationship? 

Even in healthy relationships, communicating well is a challenge.

Cultivating effective communication skills is similar to cultivating an effective prayer life—it requires time and patience. But more importantly, it requires vulnerability and openness, humility and reverence, love and the knowledge that we are loved.

Christ himself taught us--through his coming to us as a newborn child and a broken sacrifice on an altar--that prayer begins with vulnerability. Prayer is able to go deeper when we approach God knowing who we are when we stand before him. When we are able to go to the Lord, knowing we are both sinners and his daughters, we willingly present our whole selves to be received by him.

Vulnerability, according to Dr, Brené Brown, “sounds like truth and feels like courage.” It means allowing ourselves to be received in our entirety. But how can someone receive what we are unable or unwilling to hold out to them? We first need to understand our inner selves—our emotions, our thoughts, our motives, our weakness, our wounds. We have to take an open, honest look and humbly see the many different facets of our beings—both our imperfections and, sometimes with even more difficulty, our strengths. We have to reflect on the ways in which these things have shaped us over the years and how they affect our moment-to-moment.

For example, in the Great Toast Argument, I needed to step back and reflect on why I had reacted to Ben’s words the way I did. I had been having an incredibly difficult week, and that night was the breaking point. In my reflection I saw that much of my frustration stemmed from insecurities I had developed over many years; the lies that told me I was not good enough. I needed to feel loved, but when I heard frustration, I panicked and took on a defensive stance.

It wasn’t until I was able to communicate all this to my husband that he began to understand my troubled heart. It wasn’t until I understood how I was feeling that I was able to communicate it to him. Only through self-knowledge are we free to really begin sharing our interior life with our spouse. However, all too often communication stops after this self-expression.

Communication is usually seen as expressing how we feel or what we think. And while that is an important aspect, it goes deeper than that.

Communication is just as much--if not more--about the other as it is about us. After all, what would prayer be if we never allowed for God to speak to us? For this reason, it demands reverence. This reverence first begins with our bodies. Prayer begins with putting ourselves in a position that encourages our mind to contemplate heavenly things. We generally don’t pray very well laying down in our cozy beds because it is hard to focus on what we are saying or on what God is trying to tell us. Kneeling or sitting upright in a chapel or in front of a religious image lends itself to much more fruitful prayer.

Similarly, our body language is important for effective communication. If we put our bodies in a position of receptivity, it makes our souls more open to receiving. Eye contact, uncrossed arms, standing with an open space or sitting upright on the edge of your seat, a nod of the head, an encouraging smile: these nonverbal signals make up even more of our communication than what is said. Our posture encourages listening and it helps the other person know that they are being listened to.

Listening is more than a means to an end; we are not listening merely to be able to respond. Prayer is more than just a one-way monologue; we are not simply speaking at God. It is a conversation with the Divine. Both sides speak, and when we speak we know the Lord listens —should we not return this act of love?

But more than likely, the Lord’s words are not heard with our ears but with our hearts. We understand more through thinking and feeling than we do through our sense of hearing, and we come to a deeper knowledge of who God is and who we are in that process.

Conversations with our spouse should be similar: seeking to understand and to listen well. In our argument, instead of asking my husband why he was frustrated, I assumed it was directed at me and, in my own frustration, lashed out. Only when I finally listened to him, and tried to understand his side, was I able to see how my own personal struggles also affect my husband deeply. I was able to see his love for me manifested in his taking on my own suffering. When we listen to others, especially our spouse, we create a space for them in our hearts. We allow ourselves to more intimately enter into their lives, into their pain, their excitement, their sorrows, their joys. We begin to know and can even feel as they do.

Finally, as in all prayer, we look to Christ on the cross as our example and as our source of grace.

He came to us with utter vulnerability, hanging broken on the cross, and allowed us to receive his very life which poured out from his open wounds. He listened to the broken and troubled heart of his Beloved and because he listened. He took on our pain.

And in all of this, his message from the cross was clear. It is the same message we must communicate to our spouse in all we do and say: Let every word, every breath tenderly, and silently speak the words I love you.

About the Author: Carissa Pluta graduated from Franciscan University in 2014 with a degree in English and Communication Arts, and is currently pursuing her Masters. Carissa is the new wife of a Catholic missionary. She enjoys hiking, painting, and drinking copious amounts of herbal tea. Carissa has a devotion to Mary under the title of the Mystical Rose and longs to reflect God's beauty in everything she does.

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Navigating the Revised Rite of Marriage

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CHRISTINA DEHAN JALOWAY 

If you’re currently planning your wedding, or have ever been to a Catholic wedding, you know that Catholics do things differently. We don't do "sand ceremonies." We don't process to the altar to top 40 pop music. We don't write our own vows. Instead of 5-10 minutes, our weddings last an hour to an hour and a half. The list goes on.

What you may not know is that the Church recently revised the official marriage rite, and that those revisions could affect your plans for your wedding Mass. Since I got married right after the revisions took place, I was able to get a feel for what’s new and what hasn’t changed. Rest assured that regardless of these revisions, at the end of the day, the Nuptial Mass is what it always has been: a beautiful, joyous celebration of the union of man and woman in marriage.  

The Procession: Here comes the bride...and the groom...and the wedding party.

For some reason, before I got married I was under the impression that the Catholic marriage rite did not allow the groom, groomsmen, and priest to come in from the sacristy, while the bridesmaids and bride processed up the main aisle. At my wedding in December 2016 (days after the revised rite went into effect), my husband-to-be processed into the chapel with the clergy, the wedding party followed, and then I processed up with my Dad.

It turns out that there are quite a few ways to work the procession in accordance with the Church’s rubrics. The couple may process in together, after the clergy, or they may process in separately with their parents. The wedding party may process in two by two, or individually. And yes, the groom and groomsmen can come out of the sacristy and wait for the bride at the altar. The possibilities are almost endless, so be sure to talk with your presider about what you and your fiance are hoping for.

Fun fact: Catholic weddings do not include the question, “Who gives this woman in marriage?”

The Introductory Rites: Why not start with a song?

The revised rite encourages couples to include an opening song in their wedding Mass. This is not required, but it is a lovely way to celebrate the joy of the occasion. Many couples opt for instrumental music during the procession, and then sing a couple of verses of a favorite hymn once the bride and groom have reached the altar. If you don’t want to use a hymn, you could ask your presider to chant one of the antiphons suggested for nuptial Masses.

The Penitential Act is omitted from the revised rite, for reasons that the instructions for the rite do not make clear. What is clear is why the Gloria is now required for all wedding Masses: the Gloria is sung on Sundays (except during Lent) and all solemnities that the Church celebrates. How beautiful that the Church has elevated weddings to the same level as major feasts!

Fun fact: In a Catholic wedding, the presider will not ask if anyone in the congregation knows of a reason why the two people should not be joined in matrimony.

The Liturgy of the Word: Decisions, decisions.

The revised marriage rite includes more options from Scripture to choose from, but instructs that at least one the readings chosen must refer to marriage. Thus, a couple could choose St. Paul’s ever-popular hymn to love (1 Cor. 12:31-13:8a), but the Gospel or Old Testament reading would have to then explicitly reference marriage.

One thing to note is that if your wedding falls on a major feast day, like Epiphany, or during the Octave of Easter, the readings will be chosen for you based on the lectionary for that day.

The Celebration of Matrimony: Universal and particular.

While there aren’t any major changes in the actual rite of marriage, the revisions do stress the free choice of the couple, particularly in the “giving of rings” (previously called the “exchange” of rings): instead of asking each other to “take” the ring, they ask each other to “receive” the ring.

The revised rite also encourages the congregation to participate in an acclamation of praise--such as, “Thanks be to God” or “alleluia” after the couple has given their consent.

It’s no secret that the marriage rite has been adapted by many parishes to include various cultural additions, but in the revised rite some of these traditions, such as the exchange of arras (coins) as a sign of the groom’s promise to provide for the bride, have become “official” options for couples.

Fun fact: The official Catholic term for what most people refer to as “vows” is “exchange of consent”. In a Catholic wedding, the couple is not making a vow to God, but rather offering their consent to marry each other.  

The Liturgy of the Eucharist: This is my body, given up for you.

Usually, the only living people who are mentioned in the Eucharistic prayer are the Pope and local bishop; at your wedding Mass, you and your husband will be named in this prayer! How cool is that? You’ll also get a special Nuptial blessing (which focuses mostly on the bride), but that hasn’t changed with the new rite.


I hope this has been a helpful overview of the changes you might encounter as you prepare for your nuptial Mass. If you’d like more detailed information on the revised marriage rite, Pastoral Liturgy has a good overview.

 

About the Author: Christina Dehan Jaloway is Spoken Bride's Associate Editor. She is the author of the blog The Evangelista. Read more

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How He Asked | Sally + Matthew

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From their first meeting, Sally and Matt knew the Lord was up to something, even if they both had reservations about the compatibility of a serious relationship and busyness of their lives, especially as Matt was just beginning medical school. Fortunately, they were both docile enough to the Holy Spirit to recognize that marriage was where God was calling them. Read on for a "his and hers" account of a love story only the Father could write. 

Sally: In January 2015 my friend Heather told me that a guy she knew from Mississippi State was back in Memphis and I should marry him. She said he was tall, handsome, and serious about his faith. I was sold. I jokingly proclaimed to my mom after meeting him once that. "I had found the man I was going to marry." Matt and I got to know each other during Bible studies, brunches, and other events with the young adult ministry at our church and I realized that I really did like this man. I was also pretty certain he liked me too! After weeks of nervous flirting at our weekly post-Mass brunch, I finally got tired of waiting for him to make a move (patience isn't my strong suit) and decided to ask him out via text message: 


"I know medical school is crazy busy and my job is just the same, but would you want to get dinner Wednesday night?"


Matt: This is the text message that left me looking at my ceiling, saying to God, "You think you're really funny, don't You?" I felt completely behind only three weeks into med school, and the girl I'd had a crush on since the day we met had just asked me out. Many have said, "If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him your plans." My plan at that time was to abstain from dating until med school was over, so that I wouldn't risk the inevitable heartbreak messing up my grades. I knew the second I saw her message that He was laughing at my plans, and that the answer to her invitation was supposed to be and was going to be a "yes."

Sally: It didn't take very long for us to realize we had found something really special. Our relationship had been marked from the very first date by honesty, kindness, and simplicity. It was clear to both us through prayer that God was calling us to the vocation of marriage. We just needed to trust Him and say "yes." By August 2016, I was anxious to know when the proposal would be and it didn't help that Nanny (my grandma) had made it all but clear that Matt had already asked for the family heirloom we would use as my engagement ring. Matt, however, had assured me the proposal wouldn't be for a while so I wasn't expecting it on a Thursday evening after an exhausting day at work. 


"Have no fear of moving into the unknown. Simply step out fearlessly knowing that I am with you, therefore no harm can befall you; all is very, very well. Do this in complete faith and confidence."


Matt: This quote by St. John Paul II was written on the front of the card Sally gave me for Christmas in 2015. I kept it on my nightstand for almost a year, and taped it to the door of her apartment on the day I proposed. I wanted her to have a heads up, because - until she saw the note and flower petals on the ground - she was under the impression that my car had broken down and I needed to borrow hers. After I stopped shaking and she figured out how to unlock her door, I proposed and we both moved into the unknown.

Sally: While engagement hasn't been perfect, it's been mostly just a huge gift to us. We've faced a number of challenges with my job and his school, and our first response to these stresses has been to go to our Lord in Eucharistic Adoration. Praying the Rosary together has probably become both of our favorite way to end a date. I feel extremely lucky to be marrying a man who pursues Jesus with such sincerity and I pray that this is only the beginning of a lifetime of love for each other and for our Lord, Jesus Christ.

 

 Kelly Ginn Photography | Overton Park and St. Peter Church - Memphis, TN

I Dos and Don'ts: Wedding Education for the Modern Bride + Groom | The Booking Phase of Your Engagement

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ANDI COMPTON

 

The booking phase is one of my favorite parts of wedding prep because after all your initial dreaming, you finally get to assemble a team to bring your vision and all your plans to life.

If you’re following the phase approach to wedding planning suggested in this series, you’ve already solidified many budget-related matters. As you move forward into booking, bear in mind that “affordable” is not a number. I see lots of requests online for brides seeking an “affordable” florist/coordinator/photographer, and frankly, affordable means something different to each couple.

Know how much you are willing to spend for each vendor, and be honest and up front when asking for recommendations. It’s much easier for a friend or coordinator to give you a recommendation when you ask “Do you of any local wedding photographers who cost less than $3,000?” than “Do you know of any affordable local photographers?”

Here are three tips to guide you as you research, interview, and hire vendors:

Order matters.

Certain categories of vendors tend to book a year or more in advance. This is generally limited to vendors who can only handle one event per day, or to those who are extremely popular in their area. Examples might include reception venues with only one event space or independent wedding photographers who are not part of a larger company. Prioritizing a particular order helps you focus, so you can assemble your dream team one vendor at a time.

First Priority:

Church

Reception Venue

Wedding Coordinator

Photographer

Caterer

Wedding Dress

 

Second Priority:

Videographer

Rentals (chairs, tables, linens, lounge furniture)

Florals

Ceremony and Reception Musicians

Bridesmaid Attire

Stationer

Cake/Dessert Baker

Hairstylist

Makeup Artist

Menswear

 

Third Priority:

Transportation

Seamstress for Alterations

Lighting Designer

Bartending Service

Rehearsal Dinner/Morning After Brunch Venue

Keep in mind an exception to this list: if there is a vendor in any category that you really want to work with, prioritize them in your budget and book them as early as possible.

Scroll down for download link. 

Limit interviews.

Limit yourself to interviewing 1-3 vendors per category. By all means, research as many individuals as you’d like, but only take the time to meet with those who are within your budget and whose product or service you truly like. It can quickly become overwhelming to interview 12 different photographers and try to remember each of them and the communication you’ve had. For some, the constant need to research and meet with vendors can become addicting, so strive to be aware of the possibility, know yourself, and slow down if you find yourself obsessing over anything. Click here for Elise's suggested interview questions for major vendors.

You aren’t booked until you sign a contract.

Even if a vendor has sent you a proposal, to which you’ve sent an enthusiastic response, you have not officially booked them until you’ve signed a contract and put down a deposit. Vendors often have many couples seeking their services for the same date. Depending on their policies, some might offer a few days to make your decision; others work with whatever couple submits their contract and deposit first. When in doubt, ask what a company’s booking policy is!

As our gift to you, we’ve created a free printable checklist for the booking phase to keep all your vendor details in one location. I highly suggest keeping a two inch binder with these sheets, along with a hard copy of each of your contracts.

Happy Planning!

Click here to download the Booking Checklist.

About the Author: Andi Compton is Spoken Bride's Business Director. She is the owner of Now That's a Party, where she coordinates weddings, fundraising galas, and social events. Read more

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Editors' Picks | Vol. 6: Bridesmaids Gifts

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At Spoken Bride, we love a good book, a good meal, a standout statement necklace, a heel you can dance in, and the list goes on. And when we make those discoveries, we want to tell everyone. So every month or two, we're sharing our latest and favorite finds in everything engagement, wedding, and honeymoon-related.

If you choose, your wedding party has the potential to be so much more than the friends and family members who join you on the altar and circle around during your first dance. These men and women can be powerful, loving intercessors during engagement and throughout your marriage--for that, and for all their assistance and investment preparing for your big day and standing next to you as you say your vows, they deserve a worthy thank you! Today we're sharing some of our favorite gifts for bridesmaids.

Christina, Associate Editor

When purchasing gifts for my bridesmaids--who were all close family members--I tried to give them something that they could use and enjoy beyond the wedding day. I ended up putting together gift bags with the following four items, and my bridesmaids loved them.

Anthropologie House & Home items: I got each of my bridesmaids a personalized mug except for my cousin, who got a candle--she has limited cabinet space and had mentioned to me before that she didn’t want anymore mugs. Anthropologie is my go-to for this kind of thing, and my secret to keeping costs down is to scour the sale section. Candles and mugs are often on sale for as little as $6!

Literary Heroine Bookmark: All of my bridesmaids love to read, and although they’re not all quite as nerdy as I am, I knew they’d appreciate one of these darling bookmarks from Carrot Top Paper Shop. Each got a different heroine, although I couldn’t resist giving my sister Elisa, my Maid of Honor, Anne of Green Gables and Hermione.

Earrings: Each of my bridesmaids wore a different, self-selected dress, so I decided to get them all similar earrings to pull everything together on the big day. As much as I wanted the gifts to be a surprise, I also wanted my maids to like their earrings enough to get post-wedding wear out of them, so I asked each about their preferred style of earring and got them all at Anthro, which I knew would be a hit.

Letter of gratitude: By far my favorite part of the bridesmaid gift bag was the personalized thank you notes that I wrote to each of my maids. Each of them is so precious to me, and since I’m a Words-of-Affirmation gal, I couldn’t help telling them so on my wedding day. I knew I wouldn’t have time to sit down with each of them before the wedding and pour my heart out, but a letter is the next best thing. I chose cards from Papersource that reflected each of our relationships and spent time in the weeks leading up to the wedding crafting well-thought out letters of gratitude to my two sisters, sister-in-law, and cousin-who-might-as-well-be-a-sister. It was one of my favorite parts of the wedding planning process, and I’m so glad I took the time to do it.

Elise, Social Media Coordinator

Plum Pretty Sugar Robes: I'm excited to be gifting my bridesmaids with these comfy robes for all of us to wear as we get our hair and makeup done the morning of my wedding! It's the perfect way to make your bridesmaids to feel pampered and comfortable during prep time, and always fun to match with your best girls!  

Customized makeup bags: These bags would be perfect for holding personal makeup while prepping for the wedding. Bonus: this bag can double as a clutch for your bridesmaids throughout the wedding day. Hello makeup retouch en route to the reception! 

Holy Family medal: A small medal of the Holy Family, the Blessed Mother or each bridesmaid's patron saint is a thoughtful way for you to add a spiritual touch to your wedding party gifts. If you want, you can have the medals blessed and even pray with them in the weeks leading up the wedding, before gifting them to your bridesmaids. 

Stephanie, Editor in Chief + Co-Founder

Mystic Monk Coffee or Tea + Brick House in the City Mug: Depending when in the day your wedding is, your getting-ready time can be anywhere from before dawn to a somewhat normal breakfast hour. Either way, ease into hair, makeup, and photos by treating each of your bridesmaids to her favorite hot drink. A box of gourmet coffee or tea--Mystic Monk is delicious and supports our Carmelite brothers in monastic life--along with a mug to remember the day by, elevates a normal morning ritual into a time worth remembering. One of our brides designed mugs as a favor for her guests; I also love this one from Brick House in the City, a Catholic-owned small business!

Naves Design Clutch: Between pajamas or getting-ready outfits, shoes, makeup, accessories, snacks, chargers, emergency items, and beyond, every bridesmaid has plenty to carry over the course of a wedding day. A pretty clutch, like this handmade one, helps your ladies keep their essentials close at hand through traveling and photo ops, and a metallic or neutral shade is classic and versatile enough for long after the big day.

Makeup brush set: If you’re all doing your own makeup, quality tools feel like a treat and can ease and simplify application. A set of brushes is the kind of item I’d never think to buy for myself, but would love to receive as a gift, one I know I’d frequently use. This budget option from EcoTools and this higher-end option from Too Faced each boast good looks and come well-reviewed by beauty-savvy women.

Andi, Business Director

Pretty Please Custom Nail Polish: Toss a fun shade of nail polish into a bag with some additional pampering essentials. It's fun receiving gifts of little luxuries you wouldn't normally purchase for yourself.

Telos Art Spiritual Bouquet: A beautiful image to accompany a personal list of prayers and intentions from you, to each of your bridesmaids.

Quality time: Nothing beats quality time with your best girlfriends and sisters. Treat the members of your bridal party to lunch, manis and pedis, a besties day at your favorite tourist trap...whatever gives you ladies great bonding time!

Tote Bag: My friend once gave each bridesmaid an LL Bean Medium tote bag, personalized with our initials and filled with a giant, fuzzy bathrobe. They're excellent quality bags--I still have mine almost 10 years later!

Flats or Flip Flops for the reception: Give your maids some cute shoes for the reception so they can tear up the dance floor. Personally, I love seeing bright, fun shoes paired with fancy bridesmaid dresses.

Jiza, Co-Founder + Creative Director

Bridesmaid Emergency Kit: The morning of the wedding can sometimes be crazy, so gifting an emergency kit is just a small way to help everyone have what they might need at the last minute. 

BHLDN Botanic Garden Robes: As a wedding photographer, I always love when all of the bridesmaids are in coordinating or matching robes while getting ready. It makes for a super cute group photo with the bride, attractive & modest "getting ready" photos (because no one wants to be photographed in pajamas, tank tops, or bras), and it's something your bridesmaids can continue to use after the wedding day.

My Saint My Hero "Trinity" Necklace: Looking to give a piece of beautiful jewelry to your bridesmaids? My Saint My Hero now offers these petite necklaces that are both feminine and a beautiful reminder of our faith. The Swarovski crystal comes in a few different colors, so you can pick one that coordinates with your wedding theme.

We love making new discoveries, particularly from Catholic vendors--share your bridesmaid gift ideas in the comments or on our social media!

 

Newlywed Life | Not About Flying: Deepening Your Friendship in the First Year of Marriage

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THERESA NAMENYE

 

I have been married for a little over a year and a half.

I grew up knowing my husband Garrett as the boy next door, quite literally. We became neighbors at thirteen and met on a homeschooling field trip. When we graduated high school and came home from college during breaks, our mutual best friend group grew closer.

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Summers were usually spent downtown on the beach, picking out a movie for after work, running to the grocery store for cheap brownies, and laughing in our parents’ basements over some ridiculous story. Several of us even planned a successful camping trip one beautiful weekend in August, where we climbed Sleeping Bear dunes and talked for hours around our campfire.

I don’t exactly know when we fell in love, but we did, days before we left for our senior year of college. The hesitancy to start dating stemmed partly from the fact that it was risking a lot to potentially ruin our beloved friend group. But we did.

Being in love lasted about a year and a half.

Being in love was fabulous. Some of the moments Garrett and I shared were so intense, so glorious, and so unbelievably...soaring, that I could scarcely imagine how beautiful married life would be. We felt stupidly and deliciously in love.

The day after we got married, we packed up everything we owned into a little car and moved across the country. We said goodbye to our friends, our families, our familiarity. And very shortly after, I also said goodbye to the intense feelings of romantic love.

Having spent the entirety of our dating and engagement long distance, we were in for a real shock living together. Sharing a studio apartment had seemed so romantic and cute before; now, we each found ourselves dumbfounded at the preposterous and downright insane living habits of the other person. Communicating on Facebook messenger suddenly wasn’t the way we talked. Coming from two completely opposite families, we dealt with stress utterly differently. I would lash out and be direct, and my calm Garrett would have no idea how to respond to this now- aggressively crazy woman he had married. Garrett treated our living space like the dorm room of a nineteen-year-old college student and just about made my sincere desire for order die a tragic death.

We suddenly found ourselves arguing, crying, and stressing out all the time. We reached for the comfort of our flaming, intense romance, but it wasn’t really anywhere to be found.

Instead, we slowly fell back on all those years of raw and authentic friendship. We spent evenings curled up, watching new shows on Netflix, laughing and staying up half of the night like we did with our friends, without so much as holding hands. We went to the store to buy gelato and wine on Friday nights, took walks, drove long drives, and laid in bed together watching ridiculous videos. We prayed in a way that was casual and comfortable.

Having the feeling of being in love was not the glue that brought us together our first year of marriage. It comes back and forth, but it is not constant. It's nice when it comes around.

Having married my best friend, a person whom I actually considered such long before I thought about dating him, made our relationship bearable. It made our mistakes laughable. It allowed us to communicate without the over-intensity of emotion. It provided countless beautiful memories for us to revisit when we missed home and family.

Seeing each other as lovers was exhilarating and felt like flying. But our life was not about flying all the time. Our life was about sinking our roots deep, lovingly planting the habits that would inform how we raised children, building a foundation on something solid.

Friendship--belly-laughing and carefree and vulnerable and happy friendship--was our something solid. It kept us strong and steady when the first year of marriage, in all its stress and newness and fear and havoc, hurled itself at us in full force.

Our romantic, passionate love is a wonderful thing. It is a grace we don’t deserve. But dying to yourself does not feel romantic, and making a sacrifice that burns doesn’t feel passionate. But, if anyone has provided me for an example of truly unconditional love, it has been my friends.

And as Thomas Aquinas writes, “There is nothing on this earth more to be prized than true friendship.” That is what I cherish the most in my husband. He is my friend turned lover, turned husband, and now turned father of our child.

Christ Himself says there is no greater love than to lay one’s life down for one’s friend. That is what the first year of marriage has shown me in a deeply transformative way. My days and months are full of laying down my own desires and bad habits and wants. For my friend.

The best friendships in life show us this. They show us the friendship God feels for us. And the friendship I share with my spouse is a gift that incarnates that love in a way romantic feelings just start to touch.

Images by Corynne Olivia Photo

Theresa Namenye studied Humanities, Catholic Culture, and Philosophy at Franciscan University of Steubenville. Originally from the Midwest, she currently teaches fourth grade at a classical charter school in Scottsdale, Arizona. A former championship Irish dancer, Theresa still enjoys pursuing the arts in the form of painting, drawing, and calligraphy when she is not reading novels and writing. She and her husband Garrett will celebrate their two year anniversary in August and are expecting their first child in November. 

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Bridget + David | Summer Picnic-Style Wedding

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David and Bridget grew up in the same town, lived in the same neighborhood, and went to the same high school. They met during a high school theater production of Little Women, but didn’t fall in love until several years later. Once these two decided to date, the common response from friends was, "FINALLY!"

On June 27, 2015, David proposed to Bridget by incorporating one of Bridget’s favorite plays, The Jeweler’s Shop by St. John Paul II, and a little over a year later, the couple was married in the neighborhood where their love story began.

From the Bride: During the year of planning, David and I intentionally focused on the preparation for our marriage. David was in his senior year of college and living in household with Saint Paul’s Outreach, and I was in my first year of my master’s program and had recently joined events with the Catholic Advance Movement through Pro Ecclesia Sancta. Due to our busy schedules, we had limited time and wanted to use it well to spiritually prepare ourselves for marriage, but we still participated in half-day retreats once a month for engaged and newly married couples, which introduced us to a wonderful parish community and friends. We looked forward to the meetings each month and watched the Beloved DVD series by the Augustine Institute, which was very helpful in our preparation.

I put together a document of resources and information that I found online for us to do as a couple. We read books together and would go out for coffee to discuss and check in with each other, prayed together, and generally tried to do more than the basics of marriage preparation.  

In planning the wedding, we took care of the details with input from our parents, who were a tremendous help and so understanding throughout the process. David and I wanted to have a beautiful Mass to highlight the importance of our vocation and a fun, relaxing ceremony that everyone could enjoy. We decided on blush, light green, and gold for outfits and decor. We were blessed with generous family and friends who offered their time and help in putting together everything so we could stay on budget. The wedding flowers were faux and put together by my mom, aunt/Godmother, and sister. My bridesmaids' dresses were purchased at Target. One of the bridesmaids mom’s purchased beautiful pearl jewelry on a trip to gift to all the women, which matched everything perfectly. The men wore black suits and ties and were gifted with fun-colored socks to add some pizzazz to their outfits and photos. Music was done by a friend of ours. The cake was purchased at Byerly’s, and the topper was from a local artist on Etsy. David and I tried to find local artists and venues to purchase items and kept everything simple for the day.

On the morning of August 20, 2016, David and I were both nervously pacing our childhood homes as we excitedly got ready for our wedding. My friend Andrea graciously offered to do my hair and that of the bridal party; she did a stellar job! Everyone did their own makeup and helped each other with the finishing touches.

As I put my dress on, all the ladies present gathered together, including my aunts who came to help, to pray over the bride and to join together in faith. It was such a beautiful moment that brought tears of joy and hugs.

David got ready with his brothers and family, enjoying his final moments as a single man in his childhood home.

We met our photographers at Saint Charles Borromeo Catholic Church (which is right across the street from my house) and it was raining. It’s said that a rainy wedding day is good luck! We did first look photos in the church and took photos with our family and wedding party.

David and I wanted intentionally involved family and friends in the preparations of the wedding, Mass, and festivities of the day. The Mass involved friends and family in readings, music, handing out programs, bringing up the gifts for Holy Communion, and ushers. One of our friends organized the decor at the reception hall and my girlfriends helped in putting together the space. It was absolutely stunning and couldn't have been accomplished without all of their help! 

We were blessed with seven priests on the altar. The priests involved in the wedding had touched our lives in many ways, and we were grateful to have such holy men on the altar to celebrate and share our vocation with our guests.

David and I wanted to be sure to have three elements added to their ceremony: roses for the Blessed Mother, the Litany of Saints, and the blessing of a crucifix from Jerusalem. The Mass was beautiful and we memorized our vows. It was an absolutely beautiful and humbling day for both of us!

After the wedding Mass, we held a reception line and greeted our many guests. It was so incredible to see individuals from so many facets of our lives and to and share our joy with so many neighbors and friends David and I both grew up knowing.

The reception was held at Silverwood Park, which is also in our hometown. It is a beautiful wooded park that boasts a gorgeous events facility, grounds, and lake. The sun was shining by the time the party arrived and photos were taken with all the guests. After photos, the grand entrance took place with a little help from Justin Timberlake (“Can’t Stop the Feeling!”). The meal was blessed by Fr. Alvaro Perez, a dear priest and friend from our current parish, Saint Mark’s in Saint Paul. The meal was catered by The Lookout Bar and Grill and was picnic style, with burgers, brats, beans, chips, coleslaw and fruit.

The evening consisted of beautiful speeches by family and friends, a sweet video that David put together for me, dancing, drinking, and long conversations. The reception hall had an outdoor space with a bonfire that allowed guests to chat outside while others could be dance indoors. David and I stayed until it was time to clean up and danced and talked with family and friends; it was a beautiful night!

The biggest thing I have learned is that you can prepare and know so many different aspects of marriage, but it is in surrendering and entrusting yourselves to God to and the mystery and graces of marriage that you begin to enter into the vast love and deep knowledge that this vocation brings.

Photography: Dan Zeller Photography | Church: Saint Charles Borromeo Catholic Church, Saint Anthony Village, MN | Wedding Reception Venue : Silverwood Park, Saint Anthony Village, MN | Wedding dress: The Wedding Shoppe, Saint Paul, MN | Belt: Etsy | Shoes: DSW | Bride's Jewelry: Grandma's pearls | Bridal party dresses - Target | Rings: Wedding Day Diamonds (bride), Etsy (groom) | Hairstylist: Andrea Stalewski | Cake: Byerly's | Cake top: Etsy | Invitations: Online invitations designed via Paperless Post | Caterer, bartender: Lookout Bar & Grill | Music: Mitchell Gutenberg | Decor: Emma Strub, Mary Pokorny

I Trust in You: 4 Ways to Live Out Divine Mercy as a Couple

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This weekend the Church celebrates Divine Mercy Sunday, the name and feast given the second Sunday of Easter by Saint John Paul II at Saint Faustina’s canonization seventeen years ago. The message of Divine Mercy is powerfully simple: Jesus longs to draw us intimately close to his Sacred Heart and to pour out his forgiveness and grace, if only we accept his invitation. “Know that as often as you come to Me,” Christ said to Faustina, “humbling yourself and asking My forgiveness, I pour out a superabundance of graces on your soul, and your imperfection vanishes before My eyes, and I see only your love and your humility. You lose nothing but gain much.”

As spouses are called to love and sanctify each other with Christ-like love, incorporating a Divine Mercy-oriented spirituality into your relationship, one fixed on the heart of Jesus, can make manifest his love in your sacramental life and in the practicals of discussion and problem-solving. Consider…

Setting regular confession dates.

The clearer the path between your soul and God, the better disposed you are to receive the graces he so desperately desires to bestow and the clearer the path between you and your fiancé or spouse. Because most parishes offer weekly confessions, it can be easy to put off reconciliation until next week, or the next, or the next. Designating one or two Saturdays a month to attend confession and Mass together, followed by a brunch or dinner date, keeps the both of you accountable for meeting Jesus in the sacrament, encourages frequent self-examination, and constantly forces you to your knees, aware of our deep need for the Father’s love and mercy.

Resolving arguments more simply.

This doesn’t necessarily mean hashing out every disagreement to perfection before allowing yourselves to move on; so many relational, family, or virtue-related issues are complex works in progress that aren’t always easily solved. What it does mean is being quick to acknowledge whatever your current struggle is and to meet it with love: listen without interruption, hold hands, use eye contact, and perhaps even offer a smile as you talk. Above all, be generous in forgiveness. A ready “I forgive you,” spoken sincerely and without a grudge, can ease small wounds and sharp words as you work through arguments.

Cultivating a constantly deeper openness to God’s will.

“Every hour is a precious boon,” sings Andrew Peterson. “Every breath is a mercy.” He’s right. It’s been said that Jesus’ message of mercy is closely tied to his providence and to the Father’s will for every person. If, in God’s greatness, perfect mercy is perfect love, then any occurrence in our lives can be viewed as a gift of love, even in suffering, because he wills for us to know him and who he is--in goodness, generosity, and tenderness. Develop a habit of asking Jesus to reveal to you his Father’s will, and of meaning it in a real way. A heart of obedience and service can be much easier to develop in theory than in practice, yet the more often we call upon Jesus to draw us into his heart and show us God’s loving mercy, the easier it becomes to take in and truly live out the words, “thy will be done.”

Entrusting yourselves to Our Lady.

The 1981 attempt on John Paul II’s life took place on the anniversary of Mary’s first appearance at Fatima, a date the Pope knew couldn’t be attributed to mere coincidence. Months later, he would set the bullet that pierced him into the crown of the official statue of Our Lady of Fatima. He called his journey to Portugal “a pilgrimage of thanksgiving ‘to the mercy of God...and the Mother of Christ,’” emphasizing that devotion to Mary points us directly at the heart of her son.

The closeness between Jesus’ Sacred Heart and Mary’s Immaculate Heart is so deep, so profound that it’s a mystery in every sense. The ultimate loving mother, Our Lady desires only to bring us to her son. Developing a devotion to her, through the Rosary or spoken prayer, frequently invoking her intercession, and/or through total consecration to her, infuses our own lives with an earthly taste of her deep love for and union with Christ.

Humility, forgiveness, rest: an encounter with the divine. Mercy abounds in countless, varied experiences of Jesus’ love and, with intention and purpose, can bring his love into your engagement and marriage in a tangible way.


 

Emily + Ben | Rustic Elegance Wedding

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Emily and Ben met as teammates during both of their first years as FOCUS missionaries. Unlike most missionaries, who begin serving on campuses right after graduating college, the two of them had both worked outside of the Church for a few years before entering the organization. It wasn’t exactly love at first sight; in fact, they didn’t get along too well at all.

The Father had something else in mind.

From the Bride: Ben and I both came in with more life experience, more years in age and wisdom, and more ego than your average FOCUS first-year. We come from very different backgrounds. He was a Southern boy through and through who was raised in a beautiful, devout Catholic family.   Although he has a loud personality and rebellious heart, he has always known who his Father is and obediently subjects himself to God’s will.  

For many years, I, on the other hand, considered myself an independent, motivated woman. I fell into a lazy atheism for a number of years during my college days in California.

After a radical conversion back home to the Catholic Church and into the arms of Jesus, I thought I knew best about how to evangelize our future leaders on the college campus. The funny thing is, so did Ben.  And that is how our story begins.

I could go on and on about our many quibbles or how uncomfortable we made our teammates during meetings when we both fought over who would be “highest on the hill,” or about the time our Chaplain sat us both down for an intervention on how to get along. You’re probably wondering how I got to the point of marrying this man whom I severely struggled to even be around for longer than a few minutes.

Well, that started when Ben asked our team to make our beds as an offering for his sanctity. I committed to a week. Only God knew it would be for the rest of my life. Every morning, first thing, I’d make my bed and offer a prayer for Ben O’Neill, “that he become a holy man…and maybe lose the ego…and that he finally learn that he’s actually wrong and that I’m actually right…and that maybe, just maybe, I don’t even have to see him today…thanks, Lord.” That was how it started but soon my thoughts turned a little more holy and I began to sincerely pray for Ben, my brother. I prayed that he fall deeply in love with Jesus Christ, that he become the best son, husband, and father he was created to be, and that he would be welcomed into heaven. I prayed he would teach me how to be as disciplined as he was and that I would learn to love him better even when it’s really difficult. I think you know where this is going.

Be careful what you ask of the Father, because he will give it in generous abundance! I continued praying every morning for Ben. The Lord not only worked in transforming Ben’s heart, but mine, as well.

By the end of the school year we had learned how to work together, and it was pretty evident that our mutual dislike had been redeemed into a full-fledged attraction.  We had grown to love one another sacrificially; to really desire the good of the other.

 

From the Groom: That summer, we began a long-distance relationship when Emily was sent to serve at a university in California, while I stayed back with our team in Alabama, at the school where we met. By February we were engaged and by August of that same year, we were married.

Emily and I often laugh when we look back on our story. Our quarrels didn’t stop throughout our dating and engagement, but it’s funny how God used each of our faults to sharpen the other in sacrificial love. It’s like God collided two rough, unpolished blocks of marble with impeccable precision, such that we walked away as two idyllic statues. Each of our gifts became a healing balm for the other’s weakness and wounds.

People know I’ve changed from who I used to be, and they might think Emily loves me because I’ve changed. The reality is that Emily’s love is what transformed me. It’s precisely her love and forgiveness, in times when I was most undeserving of them, during our courtship that healed me and set me free. I need Emily. Her love makes up for my weakness, and mine does the same for her.

It’s amazing how God has designed marriage for the salvation of the spouses: you have the choice to either close in on your selfish tendencies, refuse to serve each other and end up broken and alone. Or you can choose to learn how to place the other first, to serve each other in sacrifice and find happiness. The choice is our own.

Emily and I long to choose the latter, and we are so excited to let our love and our marriage--faults included--be an instrument in God’s hands, a reflection of his very own sacrifice.

Our wedding was not for us.

Christian marriage is a sacrament administered from each couple for the good of the Church. We wanted our wedding to reveal the mystery to which it is directed: the marriage of Jesus Christ, and his Church. Many non-Catholics and non-Christians attended, so we wanted to make our wedding beautiful for their sake. We hoped to inspire many to open up their hearts to receive the gift of the Bridegroom for themselves.

Emily was fully on board. She surprised me when she decided her bridesmaids should all wear white! She wanted to reveal that she was not the only bride in attendance, but that Jesus Christ longs to give himself fully to each one of us as his betrothed.

For our Gospel reading we chose John 14:1-21, which uses the same language as an ancient Jewish proposal. Jesus says to his disciples, “My Father’s house has many rooms. I go to prepare a place for you… I will come back to you and bring you to myself.” In ancient Judaism, a man would propose to a woman by offering her to drink from a chalice of wine. If she accepted his invitation she would take the chalice and drink. Then the man would leave and go to where he lived at his father’s house. He, his brothers, and his father would literally build a new room onto their house where the new married couple would live. Once the room was prepared, the man could return to his betrothed and the wedding feast could begin.

This is the invitation Jesus offers each of us. At every mass, through the priest, Jesus lifts up a chalice and proposes to his Church once again. The voice of the Bridegroom speaks: “This is my body, given for you.”

Do you accept his proposal? “Behold, I will allure her and bring her into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her, says the Lord… I will espouse you forever. I will espouse you in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy”  (Hosea 2:14,19)

From the Photographer: The Mass was the core of Emily and Ben’s day. They had a beautiful liturgy at the Church of the Assumption in Nashville. Prior to the Mass, the bridal party and family members prayed over Ben and Emily. The Mass itself was deeply prayerful, charismatic, and joyful. Near the end, Emily and Ben departed from the usual tradition of the couple giving flowers to Our Lady. Ben and the groomsmen went and prayed before St. Joseph. Emily and the bridesmaids went and prayed before Our Lady. They then returned to stand before the cross for the final blessing.

After the Mass, the bride and groom retreated briefly to a little ballroom above the church hall, where they had their first dance alone as husband and wife. This gallery I includes one of my favorite silhouette shots of them dancing in the window-lit room. From there they went on to Drakewood Farm, a gorgeous, rustic barn and farmhouse set on over 40 acres.

The details of the day, from the flowers to the unique crystal at every table, were stunning. Since Emily and Ben have been serving across the United States through their work with FOCUS, their wedding was full of students whose lives they've impacted. The dance floor was alive as hundreds of their friends and students celebrated into the night. Before making a grand sparkler exit to their getaway car, the entire reception gathered around and prayed over Emily and Ben to send off the newlyweds in prayer.

As a vendor who’s photographed many Catholic and non-Catholic weddings, it was so beautiful to see how Emily and Ben put their faith at the center of almost every moment of their day. They placed their love for God and sense of mission above themselves, and I think it served as a testimony to their many guests. And as married photographers who originally met at Franciscan University a decade ago it was really fun for my wife and I to document and tell the story of such a faith-filled wedding. Emily and Ben are just amazingly gracious people, so working with them was a blast.

Photography: An Endless Pursuit | Church: Church of the Assumption - Nashville, Tennessee | Reception Venue + Cake + Flowers + DJ: Drakewood Farm 

The Catholic Table: An Interview with Emily Stimpson Chapman

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Emily Stimpson Chapman is well known to many Catholic women: whether you've read her book on the single life, perused the recipes on her blog for dinner inspiration, or heard her speak about how she learned to enjoy eating after six years of anorexia, we think you'll agree that Emily speaks powerfully (and often hilariously) to the experience of life as a Catholic woman, whether you're married, engaged, or single. 

We recently had the opportunity to ask Emily some questions about her newest book, The Catholic Table, how she incorporated fasting and feasting into her engagement, and how she managed to avoid getting sucked into the darker side of the wedding industry. Regardless of your state in life, we think you'll find plenty to chew on in this interview. 

Where did your inspiration for The Catholic Table come from?

Years ago, when I was still in college, I began struggling with anorexia. That struggle lasted for six years, until I came home to the Catholic Church. As I grew in my understanding of the Eucharist and the Theology of the Body, how I saw food and my own body was radically transformed. Ever since then, I’ve been putting that understanding into practice and sharing it with others. It just made sense to finally get it all down into a book.

How did you incorporate a spirit of fasting and feasting into your engagement and wedding planning?

Interesting question. On the most basic level, in terms of fasting, we had to curtail a lot of our spending in the months leading up to the wedding so we could prepare for the feast of our wedding day, so there was a lot less eating out and a lot more rice and beans at my house! On a different level, we both tried to take the advice of the Church Fathers, who saw fasting as an aid to chastity. When we struggled with chastity—as most engaged couples do—we turned to fasting to help make us more disciplined and more open to the grace God wanted to give us. Chris would fast from all food on Fridays. I fasted from sweets and wine.

In terms of feasting, we drew inspiration from Sacred Scripture, which repeatedly compares heaven to a wedding feast. The marriage of man and woman is an image of the life-giving communion within the Trinity. It’s sacred. So, we wanted everything about our wedding to reflect that—not just the ceremony, but the reception as well. We wanted the whole day to be a witness to the truth about God’s love and generosity. Approaching it from that perspective took the focus off us, and put it on Him.

I kept saying, “It’s not ‘our day’; it’s ‘His day.’” That made it easier to not fall prey to some of the silliness surrounding the wedding industry, because our focus was on honoring God and showing hospitality to our guests, not impressing people or putting on some Pinterest ready show.  

Our culture really pushes brides to look a certain way on their wedding day, to diet, and “sweat it for the wedding.” How can brides still find joy in food during their engagement, despite all these external pressures?

Again, I think the key is taking the focus off yourself. Too many brides get caught up in the idea that their wedding day is their day to be a star, their day to be a celebrity, their day to walk the red carpet. But it’s not. Your wedding day is the day you’re giving yourself, body and soul, to another person. It’s the day you’re beginning this new, surprising, wild ride of a holy life together. It’s a gift. It’s a sacrament. It’s not a show. The more you focus on preparing for the sacrament and the less you focus on yourself, the easier it is to relax and enjoy everything, food included, during the weeks and months leading up to your wedding.

I didn’t diet or restrict myself in any way in the months before the wedding. I did do some extra pushups every day (sleeveless dress…pictures…hard to avoid), but that was it. There were just too many other important things to worry about. Plus, a hungry bride is not a happy bride—and I waited way too long for my wedding day to spend all the days and weeks leading up to it in “hangry” mode.

In your book, you speak often about hospitality, and how you’ve opened up your home to friends and family on a regular basis. Now that you’re married, how do you and your husband incorporate this charism of hospitality into your life?

Hospitality is important to both of us, and we actually made sure it was included in our wedding readings. Then, the first month after our honeymoon, God gave us lots of opportunities to show that we were serious about it. Over the course of those four weeks, we hosted four different sets of houseguests: two single women, a family of 8, and one of our priest friends. Only one set was planned. The rest were all last minute requests. It was crazy, but we had a blast with every single guest (especially the six kids!)

The temptation, as a newly wedded couple, is to insulate yourself from others, but we wanted to do the opposite. From the first, we wanted to be open to life in every possible way, including the lives of our friends.

Right now, unfortunately, we’ve had to curtail the hospitality as we recently moved. We sold my house (where I lived as a single woman) and bought our first house together. It’s big because we wanted lots of room for our friends and all their kids to stay with us, but it’s also a construction zone; it was, literally, falling apart when we bought it. At this point, we’re living in an unheated attic room and cooking for ourselves on a freezing cold porch, while the rest of the house gutted. There are definitely seasons when hospitality has to be curtailed. But hopefully the house will be ready for guests and parties soon. I’m counting the days!

We’re so inspired by the recipes on your blog! You identify your approach to cooking, eating, and time spent around the table as “eucharistic.” Tell us more?

We live in a world of sacred signs. God made everything in creation, so everything in creation, in some way, points back to Him. It bears His mark and tells us something about His nature. Food is one of the most important of these signs; it’s a natural symbol of the Eucharist. Everything it does on the natural level—nourish, comfort, gladden, heal, build community—the Eucharist does on the supernatural level. It nourishes us with the life of God, comforts our souls, brings joy to our hearts, heals us from the wounds of sin, and draws us into the Body of Christ. So, when I eat, I try to see food always from that perspective—as a gift from God meant to help me understand more clearly the great mystery of the Eucharist.


For those interested in following your example, can you share one practical way to eat and approach food more Eucharistically?

Be grateful. Eucharist (eucharistia in Greek), literally means “thanksgiving.” To receive Holy Communion is an act of thanksgiving to God. I believe we’re called to make a similar act of thanksgiving every time we eat more ordinary meals. That starts with saying grace—even in restaurants!—but it’s also about an interior attitude. It’s really about being grateful for the food set before us, appreciating the love and time that went into growing it and preparing it, seeing all food as a gift from God, and not letting our dietary hang ups get in the way of enjoying that gift.

As a newlywed, what’s the one piece of advice you’d like to share with other brides about wedding planning or married life?


What matters most about wedding planning is the process: it’s learning how to make decisions as a couple, handle stress as a couple, navigate differing family pressures as a couple, and think about loving and serving others on your wedding day as a couple. Try to see all of the difficulties and complexities of planning a wedding as an opportunity to learn how to better navigate the difficulties and complexities of your shared life. I don’t think that makes the process any less stressful, but it does remind you that it’s a gift from God and that there is a divine point to all the stress!

 

Emily Stimpson is a freelance Catholic writer based in Steubenville, Ohio and the creator of The Catholic Table, a blog about food, friendship, and hospitality. Her books include These Beautiful Bones: An Everyday Theology of the Body, The Catholic Girl’s Survival Guide for the Single Years , and The American Catholic Almanac: A Daily Reader of Patriots, Saints, Rogues, and Ordinary People Who Changed the United States (Co-authored with Brian Burch). Her most recent book, The Catholic Table, is about why food--preparing it with care, sharing it with others, and eating it with gratitude--matters (or ought to matter) to Catholics. She and her husband were married in July 2015. 

This is My Body, Given Up for You: Good Friday Meditations for Couples

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CHRISTINA DEHAN JALOWAY

Whether you're seriously dating, engaged, or married, Good Friday can be an opportunity for you and your significant other to reflect on the meaning of authentic love: willing the good of the other as other. That is what Christ did for each of us on the Cross, and it is what we are all called to do for our brothers and sisters. Those who are called to marriage are vowed to this kind of sacrificial love, no matter how painful it might be at times. To that end, we've put together a collection of short meditations on the Cross, all from the writings of our beloved theologian/Pope Emeritus/spiritual grandfather: Joseph Ratzinger. 

1. "Only love purifies us and gives us the ability to see."  

"Your face, Lord, do I seek. Hide not your face from me" (Psalm 27:8-9). Veronica -- Bernice, in the Greek tradition -- embodies the universal yearning of the devout men and women of the Old Testament, the yearning of all believers to see the face of God. On Jesus' Way of the Cross, though, she at first did nothing more than perform an act of womanly kindness: she held out a facecloth to Jesus. She did not let herself be deterred by the brutality of the soldiers or the fear which gripped the disciples. She is the image of that good woman, who, amid turmoil and dismay, shows the courage born of goodness and does not allow her heart to be bewildered. "Blessed are the pure in heart," the Lord had said in his Sermon on the Mount, "for they shall see God" (Matthew 5:8). At first, Veronica saw only a buffeted and pain-filled face. Yet her act of love impressed the true image of Jesus on her heart: on his human face, bloodied and bruised, she saw the face of God and his goodness, which accompanies us even in our deepest sorrows. Only with the heart can we see Jesus. Only love purifies us and gives us the ability to see. Only love enables us to recognize the God who is love itself. (Joseph Ratzinger, Meditations on the Stations of the Cross)

2. "An inexhaustible torrent of merciful love."

Contemplating the crucified One with the eyes of faith, we can understand in depth what sin is, how tragic is its gravity, and at the same time, how immense is the Lord's power of forgiveness and mercy...Let us not distance our hearts from this mystery of profound humanity and lofty spirituality. Looking at Christ, we feel at the same time looked at by him. He whom we have pierced with our faults never tires of pouring out upon the world an inexhaustible torrent of merciful love. (Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI, Angelus, 2/25/07)

3.  "The world is redeemed by the patience of God." 

This is God’s sign: he himself is love. How often we wish that God would make show himself stronger, that he would strike decisively, defeating evil and creating a better world. All ideologies of power justify themselves in exactly this way, they justify the destruction of whatever would stand in the way of progress and the liberation of humanity. We suffer on account of God’s patience. And yet, we need his patience. God, who became a lamb, tells us that the world is saved by the Crucified One, not by those who crucified him. The world is redeemed by the patience of God. It is destroyed by the impatience of man. (Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI, Inaugural Homily as Pope)

4. "True love is an event of dying." 

True love is an event of dying, a stepping aside before the other and on behalf of the other. We do not want to die like that. We just want to remain ourselves, enjoying life to the full without any disturbance and without sharing it with anyone else. We do not perceive..that we are destroying our own future through our greed for life and handing over our life itself to death. (Joseph Ratzinger, The God of Jesus Christ)

5. "From the Cross the word love recovers its uniqueness."

“. . .we find ourselves in a strange situation: we have no choice but to speak of love if we are not to betray God and man, but it is almost impossible to do so because our language has already betrayed love so often. In such a situation, our help must come from without. God speaks to us of love; “Holy Scripture” which is God’s word cast in human words, raises the word, as it were, out of the dust, purifies it and restores it to us, cleansed. Scripture makes it shine again by placing it at the source of its luminosity — in the mystery of Jesus Christ. From the Cross the word love recovers its uniqueness. Men need more than just grasping and holding; they need understanding, which gives power to their actions and their hands; they also need perception, hearing, reason that reaches to the bottom of the heart. And only when understanding remains open to reason, which is greater that it is, can it be genuinely rational and acquire true knowledge. If you do not love, you do not know (cf. 1 John 4:8). (Joseph Ratzinger, Homily, 1985, from Co-Workers of the Truth)

Jamie + Seth | Astronomy-Inspired Wedding

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Jamie and Seth reconnected at the perfect time in Jamie's life: as she was returning to the Church and rediscovering her relationship with Christ. Through the instantaneous peace she felt on their first date, to the tranquil joy of their wedding day, Jamie experienced, through Seth, the peace that only God can give. 

From the Bride: Peace and calmness. These are not words my friends and family use to describe me, and it was not how my heart felt--until I met Seth.

Christ's plan is always bigger than ourselves, and this is easy for us to forget. In 2013, the Lord began stirring my heart and was slowly guiding me back to the Catholic Church. At the same time I moved back to Maryland and was reunited with an old theatre friend from five years prior. Spending time with him was joyful and encouraging. He made me feel safe and loved from the start. I remember getting ready for our first date and thinking, "Why am I so calm?" Little did I know that God was foreshadowing my wedding day, when my bridesmaid said, "You are the most calm bride I have ever seen."

It wasn't easy getting from that first date to the wedding day, but like any journey that follows Jesus, it made us stronger. I was dating my future husband and re-converting to the church simultaneously, and the processes were surprisingly similar. The confusion and frustration that can be part of a relationship with Christ also comes with a relationship with a spouse. The happiness, enrichment, and goodness that comes as a result of loving the Lord is also a result of loving your spouse. Understanding what loving another person meant helped me to fall deeply in love with Jesus Christ, as well. 

Seth and I began going to Mass every week together, provoking wonderful conversations about the Church. He shed light on so many parts of being Catholic that I struggled with. It is one of the many ways our left brain and right brain balance works so well. Planning for the sacrament of marriage was unbelievably fruitful in learning even more about Christ's love for us and about the Catholic traditions.

When planning our wedding Mass, it was important to us that the entire congregation felt loved. We wanted our love for one another to be a clear reflection of Christ's love for His people. Having many religious backgrounds present at our wedding, we wanted to minimize the confusion of the Mass and enhance the importance of the Mass parts. Upon entering the stunning St. Alphonsus Church, each guest was taken aback by its beauty. I like to think that it is only a reflection of our wonder and awe of Jesus.

Our wedding program was designed in a way that people would feel comfortable with what was happening next. It also had short explanations about the presentation of flowers to Mary and of the Eucharist. Father John truly captured Christ's love for each person in that church during his homily. It wasn't until the reception that we learned how many guests had never been to a Mass before, and truly enjoyed the service. 

The reception began with touching speeches, beautiful dances, and even a special rendition of a Spice Girls song from the Maids of Honor! The rest of the night was vibrant with dancing. Seth loves astronomy; I love art. Those merged together created the constellation theme of our wedding. The fact that God created the planets and stars is a pretty wild thing to think about, and causes us to be continually in awe of Him.

We still pinch ourselves every day when we hear the words "husband" and "wife." Our hearts are fuller after entering into this sacrament together, and each day we continue striving to be more Christ like to one another. 

Photographer's Business Name : Lindsey Plevayak | Nupital Mass or Engagement Location: St. Alphonsus Church, Baltimore | Wedding Reception Venue: Rolling Road Golf Club | Videographer: Frankie Cerquetti | DJ: Glassroom Pro | Photobooth: Charm City Photo Booths | Cake: Bakery Express | Flowers: Blue Iris Flowers | Hair: Brooke St. Martin | Make-Up: Andrea Munk | Dress: BHLDN | Groom Suit: Mens Wearhouse | Groomsmen Ties & Groom Tie Clip: The Tie Bar | Engagement Ring: Helzburg Diamonds | Bride Wedding Band: Zales Outlet | Groom Wedding Band: Northern Royal | Bride Bracelets: Francescas | Bride Hair Piece & Earrings: Amazon

You're Still a Bride After Your Wedding Day, Even When You Don't Feel Like One.

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STEPHANIE CALIS

 

I am living the days I used to dream about.

There were the afternoons lying on dorm room beds with my friends, imagining marriage and husbands and and lives full with family and romance and joyful chaos. There were the hours spent crying in the chapel after my heart was broken for the first time, and again after it was broken for the second time, wondering where the man might be whom the Father had chosen for me to love and sanctify from outside of time. There was the physical ache the first time I saw my now-husband hold his newborn nephew, pierced by the image of his arms one day cradling our own children.

And now, as the dust has settled on our newlywed days, as my wedding gown hangs in storage, all those dreamy idylls I’d prayed were my future have suddenly become my present. Thanks entirely to grace, dreams do come true. But just because they’re fulfilled, so prized I’d never trade them, doesn’t mean they’re without trial. Arguments happen, chores mount, babies wake you up multiple times a night.

For months before your wedding day, you have a project, a goal, an identity. You, a bride. If, in the aftermath of the celebration and honeymoon you find yourself grasping at a purpose or identity to cling to, you’re not alone.

It might be rooted in the sudden lack of projects and deadlines, in coming down from a period of intense emotion, in experiencing the transition and reality of living with your spouse, and perhaps even in relocation or pregnancy. We approach the altar at our wedding liturgies knowing we also approach the cross--unremitting sacrifice and the fruit of relentless love. Yet even in that knowledge, even with material matters aside and for those of us who shy from the spotlight, there comes a time in the days that follow where you’ve become a wife. The transition is so interior and personal that it’s not often talked about. And on the exterior, the adjustment to daily life together can be enough of a minefield to bring even the most transcendent wedding-day memories a little closer back to earth.

The first time I attended a wedding after we'd started our family, my son was six months old. I came with my husband, who was a groomsman, to the rehearsal at the gorgeous basilica where the Mass would be held.

At first tears came at the beauty of it all as I watched our beloved friends practicing their vows. A few minutes, later, they flowed even freer when I started feeling the sense that I was so far removed from being a bride myself. Simply put, I didn't feel like one anymore.

Months had passed since my own wedding, and as an overwhelmed first-time mama, that old feeling of newness and possibility seemed foreign to me.

It wasn't that celebrating with this couple made me jealous. I don't want all the attention surrounding me again or another wedding day for myself. It’s that the purifications of newlywed transitions, life’s demands, and new parenthood were, for me, such a sea change. It’s a change that sometimes reveals such an entirely different version of me that who I was when I first married can feel like a lost part of who I am.

Of course, life doesn't stop and become complete with marriage; it continues to grow and change as your family does, and that's good. But I felt torn. I want this life, this way of living my vocation, that's before me right now. Yet I also felt such a bittersweet sense that part of my old identity as a bride--and not just the sexy, carefree trappings of early marriage, but the actual essence of it--was gone. Even when a change is welcome and good and sanctifying, it’s hard feeling like it came at the cost of a part of yourself.

It's amazing, the graces that pour down during a nuptial Mass. The new husband and wife receive them to the full. And in their receiving, I'm convinced that just being in the presence of such tremendous grace works on the hearts of everyone in attendance, too. On our friends' wedding day the burden I'd been carrying seemed to lift. As I prayed before the Mass, I started feeling like bride and mother, newlywed and just regular wed, aren't either-ors.

I once visited a Theology of the Body ministry at their offices. One staffer and I started talking about his family, and when I asked if I could see a photo of his five kids, he told me he didn't have one in his office, "but here's a picture of my bride." Those words were imbued with such love and pride. How beautiful, how full of gratitude and praise, for a man so fully immersed in the trenches of his vocation to still see his wife in that way, not as the exact same woman he married, but as the woman he's grown more in love with as each new change has taken place in their lives.

Know this: married dreams brought down to earth are good; your calling specifically heralded at this moment in time. It’s okay to feel like your wedding is a lot to come down from, and that you walked into a new, unfamiliar version of yourself as you walked out the church doors. Imagining married life in broad strokes is easy and it’s dreamy, but it’s the subtleties life layers on that pave most of our road to holiness.

I used to imagine someday. Someday is now, and it doesn’t always mirror the ideals I once longed for, my younger self leaving the messier details out. Messiness is our humanity, and the Father sings the song of his love back to us, his children when it fades to the background: And I will betroth you to me for ever; I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love, and in mercy (Hosea 2:19).

You are daughter, sister, friend, spouse. Pursued, adored, and longed for by God and by your husband. Quite simply, you are a bride, always.

About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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Vendor Spotlight | Just Love Prints

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Lindsay Trezza, founder and owner of Just Love Prints, says that her inspiration to begin her business came from Luke 12:28: "Much will be required of the person entrusted with much." The combination of her gift for design and illustration and renewed desire to share her faith after graduating from college in 2012 led to what is now a flourishing business. 

Lindsay has a BFA in Graphic Design, so it's no surprise that in college, her walls were covered in inspirational prints that she created for fun. Three years after graduating, she felt the Lord nudging her to leave her full time job and take the plunge into Just Love Prints (as well as her second design business JuneberryCreative.com) full time. Her trust in God's ability to provide was well rewarded, as Just Love Prints has gradually become a household name in the burgeoning world of Catholic lettering and design. 

Whether you're looking for a custom-painted Bible for your maid of honor, a custom print of your wedding vows to hang in your bedroom, or an inspirational quotation from a saint or from Scripture, Just Love Prints has something for you. And each time you support her business, you can be confident that you are helping a young Catholic family pursue their vocation to the full. 

From Lindsay, on what is unique about her experience with clients:: I love connecting with my customers! Working with them to create custom pieces is what I especially love the most. Recently, I was given the opportunity to create a custom piece for a college friend of mine who is entering the Sisters of Life in September. She wanted me to create a watercolor print to give to her mother. What an honor it was to design such a meaningful gift - one that will hang proudly in her mother's home, reminding her of her daughter every time she looks at it.

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How He Asked | Elisa & Thomas

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Elisa and Thomas met through Elisa's brother, dated for awhile, decided to stop dating, became good friends, eventually fell in love, and two years later began discerning marriage together. While Thomas remained hopeful that this would be the ending to their story, Elisa gave him plenty of opportunities to practice patience along the way. If you're a fan of unconventional love stories a la Anne of Green Gables, you'll enjoy reading theirs. 

In Elisa's words: My amazing husband-to-be, Thomas, and I met on September 5, 2014 after First Friday Adoration at St. Joseph’s parish in Washington, DC. My brother introduced us and it was attraction-at-first-sight. A few months later he asked me out and we went on a few dates. We definitely clicked, but both of us realized that God was not calling us to a dating relationship at that time. Thankfully, we discerned this early enough to continue spending time together in groups without (too much) awkwardness and our friendship grew. 

Fast forward to a little over a year after our first round of dating. The Lord had done a lot of work on me, and I had finally turned my dating life over to Him. I was praying more intentionally than ever for my future husband and I decided that unless I really felt like God was calling me to date someone, I was not going to date at all. Right around this time, Thomas asked me out for a picnic date. I knew I would have a wonderful time with him if I said yes, but I had just made this resolution and was committed to sticking to it, so I declined. He rolled with it, because he’s the best, and very smoothly asked me to have dinner "just as friends" instead. I readily agreed because, unbeknownst to me, I was already falling in love with him (it was all very Anne Shirley and Gilbert Blythe). 

For the next few months Thomas and I continued to spend time together in groups. I was more and more drawn to him and there were many times when it should have been obvious to me that I had feelings for him. But, for His own mysterious purposes, the Holy Spirit kept me blindfolded to the fact that I was falling in love with one of my best friends. 

On September 17, 2016, I began a Novena to Our Lady Undoer of Knots for several intentions, but mostly for God's will to be done in my life and the lives of others I care for. On the 9th day of the Novena, the Holy Spirit, in His perfect timing, removed the blindfold and I realized I loved Thomas and didn’t want to live without him. I was so at peace that this was the relationship Our Lord was calling me to. 

I called him the next day and asked if his offer still stood. He said yes (EEEEKKK!!!!) and that night we met at Adoration at our parish to begin a novena to St. Joseph asking for his intercession as we began to discern God’s will for our lives together. 

My husband-to-be also happens to be a wonderful musician. About a month into our courtship, he sent me a song that he had written about us before we started dating. The chorus: 

Oh I can feel a change coming quickly
Will you and I start again and
Embrace the Mystery?

I asked him when he had written the song and he told me September 17. That was the day I began the Novena to Our Lady Undoer of Knots. When he told me the date he wrote the song, it finally hit home for me that Our Lord is in every detail of our lives, stitching together an incredibly intricate, beautiful plan that we could never dream up for ourselves: “Nothing is impossible for God” (Luke 1:37). 

Thomas finished writing the song a few days after he shared the beginning of it with me. He recorded it for me as a Christmas present because he is just that wonderful. Whenever I listen to it, I am reminded of the Holy Spirit’s presence in our relationship. It is such a blessing.  

Four and a half months after we started dating, Thomas orchestrated the most perfect proposal of all time. I'll let him tell that story.

In Thomas' Words:  In March of 2016 my work sent me to London for a 6-month business trip. I knew that God would use this time away from friends and family to help me grow and lead me closer to my Vocation, but I never would have guessed how.

My first stop en-route to London was Dublin, Ireland for St. Patrick’s day. It was here that I made the decision to marry Elisa without even knowing it. As I sat in my AirBnB on the eve of St. Patrick’s feast, I wrote in my journal: 

If marriage is my vocation, I could see myself marrying Elisa.

Elisa and I were simply friends at this point, so why write that I would marry her? As Elisa pointed out, the Holy Spirit and Our Lady were already weaving our lives together. 

After Dublin I went to Koln, Germany for a few meetings and then shipped off to London for what I thought was going to be a 6-month stint. At the London border I was stopped, detained for 12 hours, and extradited from the country – the original “Brexit.” After spending Holy Week in Rome I went back to the States, confident God had a better plan in mind for me. 

During the six months that followed my unscheduled return from London, God’s plan for my life continued to unfold and my trust that Elisa and I were meant to be together grew. I got creative in figuring out as many ways to spend time with her as I could since Elisa was not yet ready to date. This included but was not limited to: moving 6 blocks away from her, camping with friends, baseball games, offering her rides to parties, getting a ticket right next her at Phantom of the Opera, etc.

About a week before Elisa and I started dating, I was inspired by the Holy Spirit to write a song about our relationship. I was sure we were on the cusp of a new chapter for both of our lives. Nine days later I started dating the most beautiful, holy and hilarious woman I know, and after four months of dating I was sure I wanted to make that woman my wife. 

How I asked: 

Getting permission. Arguably the most nerve-racking part of the proposal process. My future father and mother-in-law live in Texas, so as much as I wanted to, I wasn’t going to be able to ask in person. Elisa’s mother asked me a few pointed questions regarding my intentions only a couple weeks before, so requesting permission over the phone was suitable. I ran a couple wind sprints, did a few push-ups, and called Elisa’s father, receiving permission. Nerve-racking step #1 complete. 

Finding the right ring. He didn’t go to Jared’s, but she still said yes! My parents generously gave me my grandmother’s ring from the 1920s which I had re-set in platinum. This was one of the sneakier aspects of the proposal planning process as I had to get creative so Elisa wouldn’t find out I was checking on her bling. Elisa shared with me post proposal that she wanted a vintage, heirloom ring. Yet another instance of God’s providence. 

Planning and executing the proposal. 
I chose to propose in front of the Mary statue at St. Peter’s on Capitol Hill for a number of reasons:

1. Elisa works at St. Peters so she and I have spent many hours praying there together for our friends, our families, and each other. 

2. When Elisa and I started dating in September, we decided to pray the St. Joseph Novena (highly recommend) which we completed in front of the St. Joseph statue as St. Peter’s. It was here, in front of the statue on the last day of the novena, that I told Elisa for the first time that I loved her. 

3. Both Elisa and I have had devotions to Our Lady for most of our lives. We know she has interceded for us from day one and was very instrumental in bringing us together. 

Nine days before I popped the question, I asked Elisa to pray an “Our Lady Undoer of Knots” novena with me. Bookending the courting period with a couple of OLUK novenas felt like the right move. On the night of the proposal I met Elisa at St. Peters to finish our novena, with two white roses in hand for the Blessed Mother. 

I asked the pastor of St. Peter’s to move the kneelers in front of the Mary altar and turn off the lights except those above the altar: Pro tip – Good lighting is crucial to any successful proposal. My sister snuck in the back of the Church with my guitar, Elisa and I prayed the rosary, and my heart reached a new high for BPMs. After we finished our prayers I took Elisa by the hands, got down on one knee and asked her to by my wife. She squealed “yes!” and I serenaded her with the song I wrote nine days before we started dating.

Photography: Paul Padgett, Thomas' Brother-in-Law | Location: St. Peter's on Capitol Hill, Washington DC

I Dos and Dont's: Wedding Education for the Modern Bride + Groom | Stewardship and the Practicals of Working Out Your Budget

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ANDI COMPTON

 

Andi Compton, our Business Director, planned her own birthday parties as a girl, spent hours making wedding collages as a teenager, and worked at the largest bridal store on the West Coast during college. She eventually answered the call to turn her organization and creativity into a business, Now That’s a Party, wherein she coordinates weddings primarily for Catholic couples.

Over the upcoming months, Andi will be here to guide you through your planning and share her insights from the wedding industry, from engagement all the way through newlywed life. Consider it an open invitation to ask your wedding planning questions in the comments and on our social media!

Today, Andi breaks down an essential part of early wedding planning--creating and allocating your budget--and has created two worksheets to share with your fiancé and your families to clarify what each party values most for your wedding and to identify each of your financial contributions. They're beautifully designed, comprehensive resources we're thrilled to offer you!

As a wedding coordinator, I take wedding budgets very seriously. They represent a huge commitment of time and money from the bride, groom, and often both of their families. Sometimes it’s the largest event any of them have hosted! 

It’s easy to overspend if you don’t take time at the very beginning of the planning process to set a reasonable budget everyone is comfortable with, and to constantly update it and make sure you're all on the same page.

As Christians, we are called to be good stewards of the gifts God has given us, including our finances. Luke's Gospel asks us, “Which of you wishing to construct a tower does not first sit down and calculate the cost to see if there is enough for its completion? Otherwise, after laying the foundation and finding himself unable to finish the work the onlookers should laugh at him and say, ‘This one began to build but did not have the resources to finish.'” (14:28-30)

The same principles apply to planning any kind of party. We start with our not-so-glamorous budget and offer it up to God. And from there, we can move on to making the fun decisions and indulging a little in the perks of being a bride.

I share the budgeting tips below with my clients and really, with anyone who wants to talk weddings with me:

Prioritize.

I’m going to say something I’ve never heard another wedding industry pro say: aside from your nuptial Mass and marriage license, everything else in this process is optional. Everything.

You don’t have to send out paper invitations, eat cake, wear a white dress, carry a bouquet, or even have a single photo taken to become man and wife. All those things are wonderful traditions that are fun to choose, but they are not what binds you to one another for life.

So here’s what you do: prioritize. Separately from each other, write down the top 3-5 wedding elements that are the most important to each of you, and the 3-5 that aren’t very important to you, i.e. categories in which you wouldn't mind spending less money or deferring to your beloved's choices.

Here’s a little sample:

Her High Priorities: Music for Mass, Wedding dress, color scheme for reception, Invitations, coordinator
His High Priorities: Readings for Mass, style of Tuxes for me and groomsmen,  good food at reception, photographer/videographer, good Cake
Her Low Priorities: Music for Reception, Reception Bar, Limos
His Low Priorities: Transportation, Flowers, Bridesmaid dresses, invitations

As you talk and discuss these together, come up with your own unified list of priorities to focus on. Categories with higher priorities get booked first and generally have a larger amount of money spent on them. Categories with lower priorities can be done by friends and family, delegated to parents or family to decide on, or omitted entirely.

Leave a little wiggle room.

When planning a big event with lots of moving parts to it, things happen. A pair of shoes gets forgotten 100 miles away and you dash to the mall for another pair. You’re suddenly starving and make a Jamba Juice run for the bridal party between the ceremony and reception. You decide to go overtime with your reception vendors and add an extra hour to the party because everyone is having so much fun. Additional, unexpected situations arise, and it’s best to leave at least 5-10% of your budget open for these possibilities.

Accept.

Another shocking fact: no one gets everything they want. Even couples with a $100,000 budget still have to pick and choose what matters and make compromises to stay on budget. Yes, that might look like skipping a 10-minute firework show and choosing to have your guests wave sparklers at the end of the night instead. But ultimately, no couple gets every single element they want unless they have unlimited money. Learning to accept that compromise is a part of life, and sticking to your budget is excellent practice for marriage!

Thank those who have contributed to your day in any way. 

Really take the time to thank your parents, grandparents, godparents, friends, and anyone who has contributed to your wedding financially or with the gift of their time. They are not obligated to give you your dream wedding, and chances are, they've made sacrifices to give you as much as possible. Sending a kind note, taking them out to dinner or on a fun day trip, or giving a gift at your rehearsal dinner are all beautiful ways of showing your appreciation.

Enjoy the fruits of your labor!

When the day you've been preparing for spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically finally comes, surrender it to God. Don't stress the details, and be intentional and present. Hire a day-of coordinator if you prefer, or designate a family member or friend be the point of contact for all your vendors so that you can just soak everything in. Your budget will still be there Monday morning after your wedding, and some expenses may not be finalized until then. If possible, it's nice to wait until after your honeymoon to wrap everything up.

My final piece of wedding budget is advice is to never, ever, ever, ever take out debt to throw a party. Do what you can with what you have--another great life lesson.

Now I want to hear from you! What have you and your groom prioritized as most important and least important for your wedding? 

Download the Budgeting resources below:

About the Author: Andi Compton is Spoken Bride's Business Director. She is the owner of Now That's a Party where she coordinates weddings, fundraising galas, and social events. Read more

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Making the Most of a Short Engagement

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CHRISTINA DEHAN JALOWAY

 

Engagement is a wonderful, stressful, romantic, scary, and beautiful time in a couple’s life. Having just lived through a whirlwind courtship and as-short-as-the-church-allows engagement, I have been asked by a few readers to share my tips for a fruitful engagement when time is not exactly on your side.

Before I get to the list, I will say that Kristian and I are both thankful that we were only engaged for six months. True, it made wedding planning a little (lot) more stressful at times, and there were moments where I wondered if we were rushing things. But when I had my wits about me, it was clear that a short engagement was the way to go for us, and not just because Kristian was 40 and I was 32 when we started dating. For example, Kristian and I both appreciated that the short wedding-planning time frame made it difficult (for me) to overthink all of the details and get too stressed out by the process. And honestly, once Kristian and I were sure we were called to marriage, we were ready to get married. 

That said, I do think that the way Kristian and I went about wedding planning and preparing for marriage made our short engagement a more fruitful, less rushed experience than it could have otherwise been. Below, you'll find a few tips that I think would work for most couples. (If you're on the opposite end of the spectrum, like our Social Media Coordinator Elise, check out her tips for thriving in a long engagement here.)

1. Go to a few sessions with a Catholic licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT).

That may sound extreme, but I think that it was the most valuable thing we did during our engagement. This is not to say that your parish priest or deacon isn’t a good resource, but chances are they don’t have the time or the training to help you and your fiance dig into the nitty-gritty of your relationship and the potential areas of conflict that may crop up in your marriage. For me personally, couples therapy helped dispel many of my fears and gave me much more peace in the final weeks approaching our wedding.

2. Do a nightly relationship examen.

Each night, Kristian and I would spend a few minutes (usually walking around one of our neighborhoods) examining our relationship that day. We kept it simple so that it wouldn’t become burdensome, and it went something like this:

  1. What was the most satisfying thing about our relationship today?

  2. What was the least satisfying thing about our relationship today?

  3. What can I do to make your life better/easier tomorrow?

The examen gave us the opportunity to remember the enjoyable parts of the day and to air any grievances before they had a chance to fester into resentment. It wasn’t always pleasant to do, but answering these questions each day prompted important conversations and deeper intimacy, which is why Kristian and I continue the practice each night now that we're married. 

3. Go on a DIY pre-marriage retreat

If you’re like me, typical Pre-Cana retreat, as helpful as it may be, will leave you wanting more. Don’t get me wrong: group marriage retreats have their place, and Kristian and I enjoyed getting to meet other couples who were getting married around the same time as us, but I wanted something that went deeper and was more personal. Unfortunately, due to our short engagement, we didn’t have time to go to a monastery for a couple of days (which was my ideal). So, we compromised and planned a mini-retreat for the week before our wedding. We kept it simple and just spent a morning in a nearby adoration chapel, meditating on the vows we would be making in just a few days. We took each set of vows, spent about 20 minutes praying and journaling about them, and then went outside on a bench and shared our reflections with each other. It was such a peaceful and enriching experience for both of us, and it made our wedding Mass even more meaningful.

4. Keep the bridal showers to a minimum.

When you only have a few months to plan a wedding and prepare for a lifelong commitment to the man you love, having six bridal showers is not going to make things any easier. My recommendation is--if at all possible--to say yes to one shower hosted by a friend and one hosted by extended family. All you have to do is kindly decline the extra offers, and make sure that the would-be hostesses get invited to one of the main showers.

Regardless of how long or short your engagement is, the most important thing to remember is that it is a time of preparation for marriage to the one you love. I know that sounds obvious, but short engagements can get so clogged with wedding planning, parties, showers, and other distractions that it’s easy to forget the Sacrament. I hope the tips above help you and your fiance navigate this time peacefully and joyfully.


Now we’d like to hear from you: did you have a short engagement? Any tips you want to share with other brides-to-be? Please do so in the comments!

 

About the Author: Christina Dehan Jaloway is Spoken Bride's Associate Editor. She is the author of the blog The Evangelista. Read more

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