Reflections on 10 Years of Marriage

ANDI COMPTON

By the grace of God, my husband Matt and I have now been married for 10 years. We were married on one of Our Lady's feast days, and she really took care of all the details that day and throughout our honeymoon. Twenty-one year old Andi had no idea what the next decade of her life would bring, but standing here on the other side, I’d love to share with you some insights I’ve gained through it all.

Pray for each other unceasingly.

Thank God on your knees for the gift of your spouse and your vocation. Invite him into your decisions, large and small. Even a simple prayer of, “Lord, help me be a good steward of our money while I grocery shop” helps us keep God at the center of our thoughts and reminds us where all our blessings flow from.

There will be seasons.

Some years are just amazing, completely full of grace and tangible joy. Others have felt like overwhelming dark valleys where we’re just barely hanging on together. This is why I love the part in the traditional vows where we promised to love each other for better or worse. Because there really will be better and worse days and seasons.
 

Stay close to the Church.

Make Sunday Mass, Holy Days, and confession a priority for your family. Even on vacation. Even when you have to split up and take kids to different masses. Even when it seems pointless, just go and give yourself to God. Try to go to confession once a month and make a date out of it. If it becomes a habit now, it’s much easier to incorporate kids into the routine later on.

New identities and roles take time to get used to.

It takes awhile getting settled into a new identity as a wife (or a husband) and to set healthy boundaries with family and friends. It’s all trial and error. For me, the two hardest adjustments were learning how to have a roommate and checking in with my husband before making large purchases. As an only child who lived at home until marriage, I’d never really learned how to share my space with others, and I had no idea of all the work it takes to take care of a home (bills, maintenance, cleaning, cooking, and more). I even joked with Matt that we should just get a bunk bed so I didn’t have to share my bed with him. Fast forward to ten years later and I can’t sleep if he’s not there!

Embrace NFP, especially when it's hard to do.

Natural Family Planning has been a real gift to us despite it being something so counter cultural and, some days, a huge spiritual battle for me to want to stick with it. Every couple will have a different experience during different seasons, and I want you to know that it’s okay.

Some couples will choose never to use NFP, joyfully accepting children if and when they come. Others will struggle immensely to abstain during fertile times but know it’s a cross they have to bear for a season. And then there will be those who honestly don’t struggle as much with abstinence and, due to circumstances have to abstain for months or years at a time. I’ve experienced all of the above situations and it’s likely you and your spouse will encounter a wide range of emotions towards how God is calling you to use NFP for the moment. And that's alright.

So long as we hold to the truth that God is in charge of our families, use our best discernment through prayer--individually and as a couple--and bring in a spiritual director if needed, we can make the best decisions for our families.

Learn to be vulnerable.

It takes time and patience to trust another person 100% with your spiritual life, emotions, sexuality, possessions, and the parts of your personality the rest of the world doesn’t see. There have been times in our marriage where that trust has been broken, and when we had to show love for one another by asking forgiveness and working towards complete vulnerability once again. Couples therapy can be a wonderful tool, and there is absolutely no shame in asking for help when you need it.

I think the wedding toast we’ve prepared for our kids pretty much sums up our thoughts on marriage: “May you be a slave to one another, but most of all to Christ.”

What’s one thing you’ve learned in your months or years of marriage that you’d like to share with other brides and wives?

Photography: Rae and Michael Photography | Shoot Location: Rancho Buena Vista Park, Vista, CA | Cake: Mili's Sweets | Andi's Apparel: Shirt, J. Crew. Necklace, Loft. Dress, Adrianna Papell. Shoes, Sam Edelman.

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About the Author: Andi Compton is Spoken Bride's Business Director. She is the owner of Now That's a Party where she coordinates weddings, fundraising galas, and social events. Read more

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An Anniversary + Our First Reader Survey!

Today we invite you to join in our mission by way of our first Reader Survey!

Two years ago this week, on the Feast of the Visitation, we launched this corner of the wedding world: a place rooted in sisterhood, unafraid of the raw and imperfect, in love with love and with beauty, knowing they provide only a glimpse of an even more loving, more beautiful Creator.

It’s entirely due to the work of the Holy Spirit and to each of you, our brides, that the Spoken Bride community has grown since that first day. We read and truly appreciate every submission, comment, and email and continually hold you in prayer. Your willingness to entrust your intentions to our team and community, to offer advice and support to like-minded women, and to give reverence and attention not just for the outer, but the inner, is a gift. It embodies our mission to make manifest the truth, beauty, and goodness of Catholic marriage--in all its joy and purification. Thank you.

We look forward to sharing more distinctively Catholic wedding-related content and joining you in prayer and witness over this coming year! We have big dreams for this ministry and a simple desire to serve you with resources best suited to your practical and spiritual needs.

To help us accomplish that, share your thoughts in the Reader Survey below. It’s our priority to create content and tools ideally suited to your heart and your particular needs as a Catholic bride,. We’re looking forward to hearing your voice!

Saint Joseph, Mary Most Holy, Saints Louis and Zelie Martin, pray for us.

He Invites Us: Developing a Healthy Attitude Towards Chastity

STEPHANIE CALIS

I spent my engagement on a year of service, speaking about chastity to middle and high school students. It was...a time of paradox.

Photography: Du Castel Photography, seen in Heather + Jude | Bohemian Bayside Wedding

Talking to five classes a day about reserving sexual intimacy for marriage while being tempted to do the opposite. Advising seventh graders to draw physical boundaries at simple kisses while navigating the more complicated boundaries of being in a serious, yet chaste relationship in your twenties. A crucible of formation and prayer wracked with frequent attacks. Awaiting my wedding, a day I was pretty sure would be among the happiest of my life, while coming to terms with the awareness that even the most beautiful earthly gifts can be idols, just a flicker when compared to the fire of divine ones.

It felt good, in a way I hoped wasn’t prideful or self-glorifying, to share my story of having stuck around too long in the wrong relationship for me, one in which I let myself be used, of writing stacks of letters to my future husband, and finding even my biggest dreams insufficient to the reality of the man I would marry; someone so sacrificial, self-giving, and pure of heart. The girls I spoke to sometimes cheered when I revealed all the letters I’d written would be a surprise for my husband-to-be in a matter of months. “And then,” said one student, “you’ll be married and you won’t have to worry about chastity anymore.”

I paused. Her words, though clearly rooted in a place of innocence and good will, didn’t sit right. But I couldn’t immediately explain why. I bumbled through an explanation that chastity doesn’t end in marriage, feeling the frustration of what seemed like a missed opportunity. On the drive home, I challenged myself to better articulate exactly why it doesn’t.

If chastity is not defined as mere abstinence, not just a list of no's but as sexual self-control for the sake of freedom and authentic love, so that your yes can be truly meaningful, of course it doesn’t end at the altar. Chastity embodies love that is free, faithful, total, and life-giving, so much so that the self-discipline and disposition to being a living gift--in whatever way that looks like, to your spouse and to others--spills over in the best way possible, changing not just your sex life, but your outlook on life in its entirety. Practically speaking, what’s the best way to do this, throughout engagement and on into marriage?

It’s natural, and so good, to anticipate the fullest physical expression of your love within marriage. Yet my thoughts on that drive home, and in the months and years since, have emphasized to me the importance of viewing that anticipation in a healthy way. I realized the notion of abandoning chaste love after marriage could easily encourage a white-knuckle attitude of just “making it through” times of abstinence, could make an idol of sex, and could become a crutch enabling a lack of self-control.

I wanted something more for my relationship: true freedom to give of myself instead of license to do whatever I wanted, a healthy perspective and respect for the gift of our sexuality instead of elevating it out of proportion as a highest, pleasure-focused good.

If, like I did, you find yourself still refining your view of abstinence, chastity, and anticipation during engagement, I encourage you to pray for a spirit of reverence in your physical relationship. Don’t feel discouraged if you recognize the need for a shift in perspective, but fortified and resolved. Authentic love and freedom aren’t a destination, but a long path. One on which we still might stumble, yet one far more exhilarating and alive than any other journey.

Your walk up the aisle is, quite literally, a walk toward Calvary: the image of a life poured out and given without reservation, for the sake of pure love. Ask for the grace to give of your own life in the same way; to imitate and embody the love of the Cross. Christ gave entirely, and invites us to do the same. His Passion and love are just that: not a milestone to reach and then move on from, but a constant outpouring of self. An invitation. He awaits us, and our yes, always.

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About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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How and Why to Consider Bringing Examen Prayer into Your Relationship

Engagement is busy, and it’s noisy. You might be surprised, however, if you find that even after your wedding day, life still feels busy and noisy. Life’s demands and responsibilities never really cease; they simply change with our seasons in life. 

Photography: Meaghan Clare Photography, seen in Elise's Wedding: Why it Matters that We're Marrying in a Church

It’s a paradox of our perpetually-connected, phone-at-the-ready lives: solitude and quiet can feel like freedom, or they can feel like desperation. Stillness doesn’t always come naturally, yet it can be developed. Whether your prayer life currently feels central or whether you’re looking for direction to guide your thoughts, incorporating Examen prayer might provide a link between a desire for self-reflection and figuring out exactly how you might bring that reflection about.

Rooted in Ignatian spirituality, an examen is a form of guided prayer that prompts reflection over the events of your day, instances of strength and weakness in your actions, and, above all, gratitude for and attention to the ways the Father is at work in your life. All self-knowledge, for better and for worse, is a grace; the Lord inviting us to consider ways we can best put ourselves at the service of love for him and for those in our lives. Gift.

This sense of service and self-gift takes on particular resonance in the vocation to marriage: you’re accountable not only to yourself and to God, but to your spouse. Developing a sense of attention to the blessings of your shared life, and to areas in which the Lord is gently prompting us to grow, can only bear fruit in your relationship. Consider committing to a week, a month, or more of bringing an examen into your prayer ritual, with time to share the movements within your hearts. You might spend this time before parting ways for the night if you’re engaged, or after dinner, before beginning your evening chores and leisure if you’re married.

There are a wealth of resources with suggested text and prompts for your examen, which means with time, you’re likely to find a particular version that’s well-suited to your spirituality as a couple. All examen prayer follows a general structure of giving thanks, bringing your petitions before the Father, reviewing your day and meditating on his hand in it (this part might take the longest), asking forgiveness for your shortcomings and meditating on the mercy of God, and looking to the following day with a sense of resolve and and renewal.

In light of you and your beloved, it’s helpful to consider the ways the Lord has shown himself in the time you’ve spent together during the day and in the ways you’ve shown, or fallen short in showing, his love to one another. As a starting point, we recommend this examen with meditations from Scripture and Saint Ignatius’s Spiritual Exercises and Fr. Michael Gaitley’s “BAKER” prayer that invites particular contemplation of Jesus’ merciful love.

Saint Ignatius prayed, “Take, Lord, and receive all my liberty, my memory, my understanding, and my entire will, all I have and call my own. You have given all to me. To you, Lord, I return it. Everything is yours; do with it what you will. Give me only your love and your grace, that is enough for me.” May you and your beloved, together, enter more deeply into his love and the gifts he so desires to bestow on your relationship.

A DIY Bouquet for Literature-Loving Brides

LAUREN HENDERSON

"Can you give me your bouquet for a moment?" asked the Lorax-mustachioed priest at our wedding Mass. I was surprised and a tad embarrassed; I don't love attention, even on my wedding day.

Photography: Jocelyn's Photography, from the author's wedding

My bouquet had caught many eyes, including our priest's, because it wasn't made of flowers. I’d created it from the pages of books. Our priest asked for my bouquet during the homily. I handed it over and he started to ad lib about how the novels whose pages I included were symbolic of my husband and I. These books, The Fault in Our Stars by John Green and Me Before You by Jojo Moyes (barring its problematic ending), reminded me of how open my husband and I are with each other and how we love doing unusual things together. We each make the other better and are always working at our relationship. Books, said our priest, can already be good as their own entitiesu. But when transformed by marriage and by God, they can become something even more beautiful--like my bouquet.

Two people, their own individuals, become one new entity in marriage, better than they could be alone. How much more beautiful and meaningful could marriage get?

Truthfully, I didn’t think anyone would really care about my bouquet. In fact, when friends and family members heard about the DIY project I’d planned, they did the polite head nodding thing while saying “Oh, that sounds interesting,” which almost always actually means, “Okay, good luck with that.” I continued anyway, a sucker for meaningful things.

Practically, I created this bouquet because I was getting married in February in the Midwest, where fresh flowers would have cost an arm and a leg. But I also did it because my husband and I read The Fault in Our Stars together in our early days of dating. We both identified with the characters' interactions. I love personalizing everything I can and creating meaningful moments. I chose my bouquet as an opportunity to personalize our wedding liturgy.

I bought the books and began tearing out their pages, cutting out petal shapes, and wrapping them around floral wire. It was a long process, yet incredibly worth it--it is something I can keep forever. After the wedding, a friend asked if she could write about it for Reader's Digest in an article about alternative wedding bouquets. I was honored, and sort of stunned that my simple bouquet would reach the amount of people it did.

But isn’t this like marriage? A marriage is hard work: lots of menial tasks, yet so full of sacred meaning. A marriage starts with something ordinary, like a book or like two independent people, and makes it into something extraordinary, like a bouquet or one in the eyes of God. And then these two people go out together and serve. So without trying to, or seeking it, God taught us and our wedding guests the meaning and the call of marriage: to join together and create something extraordinary.

Let God work through your creativity. After all, he is the creator of all life.

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About the Author: Lauren Henderson is a newlywed and convert to the Catholic faith who loves cooking, baking, reading, and singing in the car. She studied Psychology in college and enjoys guessing whodunit in mystery shows. A lover of children, she cannot wait to be a mother someday. Lauren and her husband host the podcast God Winks and the Kitchen Sink.

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Tips for Choosing Your First Dance

STEPHANIE CALIS

Perhaps there’s a song you’ve loved since long before you were dating your spouse-to-be, one you determined you’d dance to at your wedding. Maybe you and your beloved have had “your” own song from the start. But what if you don’t fall into those categories? Here, four considerations that can aid in your decision-making.

Photography: Horn Photography and Design as seen in Katie + Ted’s Classic Southern Summer Wedding

Is there a song that recalls a particular time or memory from our relationship?

Your song might not be one you’ve discussed outright in the past, but one that speaks to your history as a couple, nonetheless. Maybe hearing a song that was on heavy rotation at a memorable time in your relationship transports you vividly back to that moment. Perhaps there’s a piece that consoled one or both of you during a difficult time.

One of the songs with the strongest hold on my own memory, for instance, is one I actually experienced alone. Around the time I started dating my husband, I had recently bought Keith Urban’s album Defying Gravity; I’d repeatedly play one of the tracks, “If Ever I Could Love,” that captured the sense of newness, purity, and the joy of discovery I found myself experiencing. Take time to consider what titles have played a similar role for you; list the songs that have held a particular meaning in your own lives to this point or remind you of one another.

What songs are meaningful in our family cultures?

Dancing to your parents’ or grandparents’ wedding songs convey a sense of timelessness and of respect and affection for the bonds of love that make up your families and their traditions. Elise’s parents’ song, “It Had to Be You,” holds a fond and particular significance to her to this day.

Would we like to dance in a particular style?

If you and your beloved are skilled at swing, ballroom, or a style of dance that reflects your heritage, incorporating it is fun and takes off some of the pressure for your first dance to be a completely serious, romantic affair. At a wedding I attended were the groom was a theatre teacher, the couple included a choreographed entrance by the bridal party at the conclusion of their first dance. Jiza and her husband performed a swing dance.

And keep in mind that though your dancing style might not be contemporary, your song selection still can be: a friend and her husband waltzed to Lifehouse’s “You and Me” at their reception.

What do we hope to convey about love and marriage?

Your witness to lifelong love doesn’t end when your nuptial Mass does; it’s manifest throughout your entire wedding day. Whether you communicate it directly or simply through your actions and decisions, you and your beloved speak the language of free, faithful, fruitful, and total promises, simply by virtue of who you are and of choosing sacramental marriage. There are a wealth of selections, both secular and Christian, that embody the language of wedding vows; songs that speak to the longing of our hearts for something more than this life, the glimpse of heaven pure, sacrificial love affords us, the constant battle to allow love to prevail over lust and selfishness, and the perfecting love of the Father, who rejoices simply in the fact that we exist. Take them to prayer and see what lyrics stand out and might lend themselves to your first dance.

Choosing your wedding song one that expresses who you are as a couple and strikes whatever mood--romantic, lighthearted, or otherwise--you intend might feel like a tall order, yet as wedding planning goes, it’s one of the less stressful decisions to be made. The Father sings over us, his children, in a particular way through the sacraments, and no matter what selection you make, the love between you and your spouse makes his rejoicing so visibly evident.

Get inspired by the team’s love song suggestions here. We invite you to share your own favorites and first dance selections, as well. Tell us about your song in the comments and on our social media!

The Sophia Series | Marisol

We invite our longtime married readers to share the experiences that have marked, refined, and anointed their marriages; months and years that, by grace, transform the mundane, the bitter, and the incomprehensible into the fruits of holy wisdom. A purification and a clear vision for the path to heaven that lies ahead. The Sophia Series.

Photography: Laura Kay Photography

My husband and I met providentially while hanging out with a mutual friend. We made a deep connection from the beginning, and I remember thinking that he brought out the best in me. I felt right at home. We got engaged after a courtship of over five years and have been married for the last 10 years.

On my wedding day, I remember a prayer after communion where I fully understood how much God loved my husband and how he uses instruments--especially those closest to us--to express that love. I understood that for my husband, I would be either a vessel or an obstacle to that love in the years to come. I prayed I would be the former.

The biggest obstacle to our marriage was discovered during our honeymoon. We had waited until that moment for physical intimacy. However, we were unable to have intercourse. Once we returned from our trip, I sought medical advice and after much research, I discovered I had issues with my pelvic floor muscles. Involuntary spasms have kept me, to this day, unable to consummate the marriage.

This has been a very big cross to bear and has created many moments of pain; however, it has also allowed the both of us great lessons and growth.

I am in awe at the fact that our marriage remains faithful after 10 years. Many times, couples have a harder time discerning whether to separate, based on factors such as children or the unlikely option of annulment. In our case neither of those factors exist, as our marriage is, to date, not physically consummated. It is beautiful to know it is our free will that keeps us in union and in constant yes for this sacrament.

I remember feeling inadequate, like a failure as a wife, due to my medical problem. I have learned self-love and self-compassion, which in turn allow me to be ever more loving and compassionate towards others.

Intimacy brings couples together at many levels, including physically, neurologically, emotionally, and spiritually. Since my husband and I do not have this great perk, we have learned to go from me to we in other ways. One of them is through each other’s love languages. His is acts of service, while mine is quality time. It is amazing how a concept so simple is so easily forgotten. Here is a recent example:

This past weekend was spent at home after my husband underwent a procedure requiring him to stay indoors for two days, which is unusual for us and for his sanguine temperament.

Imagine a total extrovert and a bit of a perfectionist trapped indoors during the weekend. We came to a moment where every area of the kitchen was in disarray. We had finished dinner and were in the middle of watching a movie. My husband paused the movie to feed our pet rabbit and in that moment, I thought it would be appropriate to come up with something to celebrate  St. Patrick's Day.

I pulled out a bottle of Irish cream and made some coffee. I could already taste the goodness. My cup and saucer were perfectly set next to a glass of Irish cream over ice, ready for the perfect Instagram Story.

As my husband came back downstairs, he began remarking on the dirty dishes, the stove splattered with olive oil, and groceries that needed to go in the pantry.

I could not believe he was ruining our ‘Irish’ little moment for this! I took offense and began feeling quite resentful. Remember that my love language is quality time--we were speaking it fluently until this moment of pause.

Things shifted to all the unfinished cleaning and suddenly, as I reluctantly washed dishes, I considered my husband's love language: acts of service.

Wasn't the dinner enough? Wasn't the glass of Irish cream over ice the cherry on top? Why couldn't we just continue watching the movie?

I realized I’d encountered a perfect opportunity to love. My resentment turned into determination to clean that kitchen and clean it well.

An hour went by and I could tell my husband felt guilty. He kept helping out and even started vacuuming in some random area of the house. He set the empty coffee cup on the table as if to signal it was waiting.

Part of me wanted to continue speaking his love language and serving. Yet my pride also kicked in, and I didn’t feel like jumping back into the movie and coffee. I could get over the interruption.

I considered the possibility of finishing the dishes and going upstairs to take a bath. My pride did not want to receive quality time after I was done with the effort of loving. I wanted to jump right into self-care--not the generous kind,but the kind that would give a clear message of how annoyed I still was, deep within.

As I moved on to cleaning the stove, my husband said it could wait. I was determined to finish and was reluctant to go back to that cup of coffee (I was still in full pride mode!).

My husband invited me to finish the movie. As much as my ego wanted me to run upstairs, I accepted. We had a good rest of the evening, and I knew that pause had been well spent.

The next morning, we attended a birthday brunch. We enjoyed time with friends, and afterward my husband made plans for us to spend the afternoon together. We went shopping, to the museum, walked around, ate hot dogs, and went to my favorite evening Mass, followed by a coffee shop.

My husband spoke so much of my own love language that weekend, and I can only say you can never outdo God in generosity.

I am not sure whether all these words would be enough to tell all the stories of our marriage. But I can say I have learned how to persevere through thick and thin and to focus on what matters, one day at a time. I have learned to be fully present to God, to myself, and my vocation.

I wish I could say there was a 'happily ever after' kind of ending to this story. The reality is that we continue to work with the big elephant in the room--our obstacles to intimacy--tackling it one bite at a time and never ceasing to gaze at the eternal.

Our vocation has gifted us with innumerable lessons and joys. I cannot wait to learn what other chapters God has in store for us!

In the past, I remember praying for a holy family. One year into my marriage, while looking at an image of the Holy Family, I realized that they do not represent the husband, the wife and their child. Mary, Joseph and Jesus represented the husband and wife, with Christ at the center. I realized at that moment, this is the one thing we need for a holy family.

We have many images from our wedding day; however, one of my favorites is the one where we are having a pillow fight. Our reception was at a hotel, with our suite nearby, so our photographer suggested an impromptu series in there. When I look at these photos, I cannot help but wonder at how the bedroom happens to be the place where our biggest struggle would take place. Just like that friendly pillow fight, we keep fighting in unison each day: to do God’s will and learn the art of love and communion ever more perfectly.

Marisol’s words of wisdom for brides:

Make room for the unimaginable. Each marriage holds a unique story. Let the Master author write the greatest lines.

Keep Christ at the center.

Marriage is the only sacrament not imparted by a priest. Husband and wife say yes to one another on their wedding  day, and they hold the power to say that same yes to one another on a daily basis.

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About the Author: Marisol has a great love for art and humanities. You may find her designing and styling, or gaining inspiration from books, art, friends and family, or a random conversation with a homeless human in the streets. She is passionate about the art of living in the present moment and of finding beauty in every circumstance. Her additional writing can be found at The Maritus Project and Beauty Found.

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Readers Share | 100 Words of Advice for Brides

Like the sacrament of marriage itself, we intend for this ministry to be lived in communion. We are wildly grateful, with all glory to God, for every story, comment, and prayer intention you entrust to us that makes that possible. Thank you. We recently asked Spoken Bride newsletter subscribers and social media followers to share with us their best advice for your wedding day and marriage, in 100 words or less. Here’s what you had to say.

Emma Dallman Photography

Invite as much love as you can to your wedding instead of worrying about limiting the invite list. The week of the wedding, when last minute people cannot attend, you will wish that everyone you love could be there.

My favorite memory, was sitting after communion just in front of the first pew. Being surrounded by the love of Jesus, my spouse, and my loved ones squeezing my knee after they received made me realize how blessed and loved I truly am. That is what I want for every bride. - Kayleigh 

My advice for brides on their wedding day is to slow down and really take in every moment. The whole day is such a blur once it’s over! There is so much pressure to make sure the whole day is “perfect,” but I really cherished the moments where it was just me and my husband taking in our special day together."- Michelle

My husband and I have been together for 21 years and married for 15.

Trust your entire life to your spouse’s love and intentions. Apologize and resolve any conflict right away, no matter who is at fault. Laugh and hug every single day you’re together. Find joy in who you are now and later, as you will both evolve. Never put yourself down. Never speak about stressful things as soon as you come home. Always eat dinner together. Talk constantly. Pray together. Hold hands during the homily. Kiss good night. Know that any hardship or joy is God’s will. This is just the beginning of a most beautiful life. - Milissa, @milis_sweets

Say Hail Marys throughout the day with the intention of soaking up each particular moment. It slowed me down, allowed me to take everything in, and challenged me to remind myself of Mary’s humility (because it’s a day when the attention is all on the bride!). - Kat, @katfinney

Realize that the day will go by in a blink. It’s you and your husband’s big day, but it will go by so fast and both of you will be pulled in a million different directions. Don’t let this frustrate you. Enjoy the day, roll with the tide, and know that any bumps or unexpected things will be sources of laughter for years to come. - Amy, @catholic_pilgrim79

When you find things difficult, think of the moment that brought you to choosing [your spouse] as a life partner. Think of the moments you both proved your love for each other. Think of the promises you made with God on the altar to stay together at all times. This moment will also pass away. Keep calm, pray, and ask for the grace to forgive and forget. Stand for your love at any cost. Be patient in prayer. - Matt, @matt.nrktl

Do as much planning as you think is necessary, but leave room for God’s plans, too. Allow him to lead your day! Try not to get overwhelmed by the little things because at the end of the day, it’s the sacrament that will hold the highest value. The details just make it all pretty! - Erika, @stellaofthesea

Soak up a bit of alone time with just your new husband throughout the day! We skipped the limo or group ride from the church to reception and opted to make the drive just the two of us--a very beautiful memory! - Janet, @rn2sahm

Stop and breathe. Take a look at everything and take it in. - Spring, @skinnybamboo

What would you add to this list? Share your advice in the comments and on our social media!

Editors Share | The Rituals that Make Up Our Marriages

It’s a gift to be invited into your story and vocation. In gratitude, we love to share ours with you, as well.

If major life events--your wedding, honeymoon, the births of children--are the framed, album-worthy milestones of a shared life, small daily routines are more akin to your phone’s camera roll. But who doesn’t love scrolling back through those memories? Rituals elevate the routine to something memorable. “Whether they’re big or small, simple or elaborate, daily or yearly,” writes Jenny Rosenstrach, “all our rituals serve the same purpose: They bring comfort, connection, and meaning to our days.”

Today, we’re sharing the rituals that deepen our relationships and create a sense of warmth and tradition in our marriages.

Photography: Wyn Wiley, seen in How He Asked | Emily + Jeff

Stephanie, Co-Founder & Editor in Chief

The Rosary in the car: When my husband and I first started dating, we spent hours wandering aimlessly around our college campus, hand in hand, and would often find time to pray the Rosary as we walked. Years later, with three children four and under, our time for uninterrupted walks is limited, but we do still love to pray together to Our Lady, usually on long car rides home from visiting family. I hope the memory of falling asleep past their bedtimes, listening to their parents pray, is a memory our kids will hold on to.

Sriracha noodles: For a quick meal after our kids are in bed, for an indulgent Sunday lunch (butter, pasta, no vegetables), or for pure comfort, this recipe is our go-to a few times a month.

Crosswords: There are few things I find more relaxing than the feel of my husband’s hand on my shoulder as we hunch over the Sunday crossword at the kitchen table. We love puzzles, particularly crosswords, and you might be surprised how after just a few weeks, you’ll start to pick up on the structure of the clues and be able to fill in most of the answers!

Andi, Business Director

Netflix: My husband Matt and I love to watch movies and binge watch TV shows together. Half of the time we’re just talking about our day and random thoughts that come up, but it’s so nice to just snuggle up on the couch and watch something together. Current favorites include stand up comedy specials, Victoria, This Is Us, and The Crown.

Good ice cream: Whenever we travel somewhere, we like to find local ice cream spots to treat our kids at. Our favorite so far is McConnell’s in Santa Barbara--I was pleasantly surprised by their Lemon Marionberry during our last trip. I’ve been known to grab some Creamistry or Talenti Gelato for us, once the kids are in bed as a late-night treat.

Nighttime prayer: Every night we tuck the kids in their beds and Matt leads us in prayer. Many nights it’s the Rosary or Divine Mercy Chaplet, or the little litany of prayers that have slowly become our family favorites: the Guardian Angel Prayer, Hail Mary, thanking God for his blessings today, and naming all our family saints and asking for their intercession.

Christmas and Easter waffles: Every Christmas and Easter morn after Mass, we bust out our waffle maker and Matt makes waffles from his late grandfather’s recipe. When Matt was growing up, his family always went to Grandma and Grandpa’s after Sunday Mass for waffles, bacon extended family time. I hope it brings our kids happy memories of delicious breakfasts with us, even if it’s only twice a year.

Jiza, Co-Founder & Creative Director

British TV: At the end of the day after the children have gone to bed, my husband Mark and I like to decompress from the day by watching British television series. Everything from Downton Abbey, Poldark, Victoria...we have seen them all.

A brisk walk for heavy conversations: Sometimes talking about big life decisions and/or tough situations can be hard. So, taking a brisk walk or jog helps us to at least alleviate any physical tension and stress which makes for a more productive conversation. It helps us to clear our heads, get some exercise in, and sometimes a Rosary.

Taco Tuesdays: What can I say? We love everything about tacos. It is one of our favorite meals. It helps us during the week to have one dinner that doesn’t require too much planning.

Pilgrimages: Since we move often for my husband’s career, I always look for Catholic shrines or historic churches to visit during our travels.
 

4 Scripts for Explaining Catholic Wedding Traditions to Friends + Family

An audio version of this post was featured on our podcast on 11/10/2020.

As you plan your Catholic wedding, you might find friends and family inquiring about the reasons underlying particular marriage traditions in the Church. We’ve been there, and want to be here for you. Often, the default response might be to answer in a defensive way--we defend that which we fiercely love--as we assume anyone asking a question is asking from a place of skepticism or judgment.

While that might be true in some cases, you might find yourself surprised by how many individuals simply have a spirit of curiosity about the Catholic faith and its rituals. Modeling your love after the crucifixion, holding an hour-plus ceremony, and including formal prayer in your wedding are, in many ways, countercultural. To those whom Catholic weddings are unfamiliar, the spirit of inquiry is often genuine. Their questions provide a unique opportunity: to explain these matters with charity, candor, and with an invitation to know more and let the goodness, beauty, and natural reason of the Church speak for itself.

Below, four common questions regarding Catholic wedding liturgies, and how you might answer. We hope you find these points help you articulate why you’ve chosen to marry in the Church, what sets it apart, and most importantly, that they provide the seeds of truly fruitful conversation.

Or perhaps the spirit of curiosity is where you, yourself, are. Questions about the Catholic faith are good; an opening of a new door, not a closing off to inquiry, and an opportunity to learn and contemplate. We hope the questions and answers below offer you the start of greater understanding and critical thought.

Photography: Cynthia Shipp, seen in Fatima + Jon's Tuscan-inspired wedding

Why do you have to get married in an actual church?

It’s not that a a beautiful garden, hotel, or oceanfront venue is an unromantic or insignificant place to profess your lifelong commitment to each other. When Catholics say marriage is a sacrament of the Church, they’re saying they believe earthly things--in this case, the vows spoken by the bride and groom--can literally be transformed by God into something different than what they once were. Once the marriage is consummated, the words spoken at the altar are transformed into a permanent bond breakable only by death.

Because of that belief in sacramental realities, which take place in God’s presence, it makes sense that the sacrament needs to actually take place in his presence. Where is the Lord really, truly present? It’s true that he is all around us in the created world and that prayer can happen anywhere. Yet for Catholics, who believe bread and wine become Christ’s body and blood in the Eucharist, he is there in a real, metaphysical way in the tabernacle of every church--there resides the Eucharist and there, we believe, resides the living Jesus. It’s amazing to consider that he is there in such a tangible way from the first moments of a bride and groom’s life together.

Speaking of vows, why can’t you write your own?

Every sacrament of the Church has a specific rite that must be followed in order for the sacrament to be valid. If a priest doesn't follow the prescribed language of consecration, for instance, the Eucharist for that Mass is invalid. Getting married is the same: in order for the sacrament to take place; that is, for the couple's bond to literally be transformed and suffused with grace, the bride and groom need to speak the language of the Rite of Marriage. It's more than just inputting certain words and getting out a certain result. It's allowing yourselves and your love to take on something entirely, sacramentally new and humbly inviting God into your life together, knowing it takes three, not two, to live out your promises.

But it’s understandable that a couple might want to express their hopes for how they’ll love and serve each other in marriage in their own words. Those who wish to do that can write down these hopes and intentions in letters to each other or can talk together about them.

What about Mary? Why is a part of the Mass dedicated to her?

When you really want something, it can be helpful to have another person helping you get it. Job referrals and references, personal trainers, and therapists fall into this category.

When Catholics pray for something, they believe the saints--men and women from throughout history who were heroically faithful, in ways large and small--can provide the gift of intercession, which means joining in our prayers and offering them to God alongside us. We hold Mary, the mother of Jesus, in the highest regard among the saints for her making her entire life an unreserved yes to God’s will. In praying to her, therefore she brings us to the Lord. We, and our prayers, grow closer to Jesus, through Mary.

That’s not to say every prayer of a person’s heart is answered in exactly the way and time they hope, simply because they prayed for Mary’s intercession, but that her prayers for us, her children, are a great gift. When husband and wife kneel before her during their wedding Mass, they bring their lives to her, asking her to pray for them like any other mother might pray for her children, and to strengthen them in love.

Who’s walking you down the aisle? If not your dad, why?

Although a priest celebrates a couple’s wedding Mass, marriage is actually the only sacrament of the Church wherein the bride and groom, not a priest, actually administer the sacrament. The minister of the sacrament typically processes into the church last, so for couples who choose to acknowledge this, they walk into the church together. For those who do a first look, or who choose to meet for the first time before the procession, it can beautifully signify the bride and groom’s shared role in the sacrament and promises they’re about to enter into.

Couples are also free to choose the tradition of walking in with both parents, or for the bride to process in with her father, which in no way diminishes the couple’s role in the sacrament or their equality as people.

If these outlines for your conversations are helpful, we’d love to know! Share with us, in the comments and on our social media, any other areas of Catholic weddings and marriage for which you’d welcome talking points.

Read more apologetics-related matters:

Explaining the Eucharist to your guests | Talking with friends about cohabitation, Part I | Part II | Navigating the revised Rite of Marriage

Embracing the Easter Season, Even Through Struggle

STEPHANIE CALIS

I inhaled the richness of lilies and incense. A riot of color bloomed along the altar. Familiar words washed over me: prayers over humble bread and wine, taking me out of time. To my right, the image of Jesus beckoned, rays shining forth from his heart. Blood and water; the stuff of true life. As I bowed my head, tears came.

Because I wasn’t feeling much of anything. A little anxiety. But mostly nothing.

Photography: An Endless Pursuit, seen in Robyn + Greg's Easter season wedding on Divine Mercy weekend

Matt Maher’s “Christ is Risen” echoed through my thoughts on Divine Mercy Sunday: O death, where is your sting? O hell, where is your victory?

Right here, I thought. That’s where they are. I still felt that sting of death, and felt it strongly. Now halfway through this Easter season of tremendous glory and promise, I find myself, this year, lacking in joy and doubting the Father’s promises of the Resurrection. Specifically, a fear of death and a preference for this earthly life over the next have pervaded my heart for months.

Though our life is far from perfect--everyday busyness, sleepless nights with toddlers, chores we can never quite keep up with--I count myself abundantly blessed by my husband and our beautiful children, and by our relative lack of major hardship at the moment. It’s a life so precious  I’m scared to let go of it and be separated by death.

When I pray to be made holy, to reach my heavenly home, the back of my mind hastily and shamefully adds, but please not yet, Father.

Where, then, does someone who desires eternal life, but not yet--I desire it selfishly, on my own terms--find consolation in the Resurrection? In my current state, the thought of eternity cuts me to the core. It brings me not hope, but worry that all I hold close on earth will be lost to me in heaven. I wonder what I’ll miss out on, and more significantly, who I will miss out on.

Of course I’m aware, intellectually, that my soul’s fulfillment will be found in the presence of God. Theoretically, I will want for nothing at the heavenly wedding feast. But theory can be hard to wrap your head around when your heart’s so agitated. Surrendering such gifts to the Lord, trusting that they are impermanent and not mine to determine, feels...reckless. An abandonment I seek, but don’t yet feel strong enough for.

As I make my way through this spiritual storm--one in which, in spite of myself, I remain confident will end in a heart more united with Christ’s--I’ve realized the shortcomings of my thinking. I say that my circumstances, while fortunate, are imperfect. In the realest sense of the word, they’re unfinished. And that’s the point.

The Lord isn’t done working on my heart yet. He’s not done with yours, either.

If your Easter season has felt similar to mine, whether because of the stresses of engagement, a recent loss, tensions in your relationship, a literal lack of new life as it relates to your fertility, or otherwise, know I am there beside you. I’m trying daily to embrace this tension, rather than push it aside, to silence it, and miss an opportunity to be loved by the Father in this particular way. 

Just this past Sunday, I felt myself coming back to life, no small matter in these weeks centered on triumph over death. It struck me that in this year’s reading cycle, we hear Jesus’s same words on consecutive Sundays: Peace be with you.

He speaks to us first as he revisits his disciples for the first time, allowing Thomas, in Thomas’s doubt, to feel his wounds, and again after the walk to Emmaus.

We are invited to experience Christ in the flesh; incarnate. We are invited to reject fear--John describes the disciples’ fear as they hid, locked in a room, after the Resurrection and Luke recounts their terror and uncertainty at meeting the risen Jesus--and walk headlong into the ocean of peace and mercy he wishes so fiercely to surround us with.

I listened again to the Eucharistic prayers and prepared for my own encounter with Jesus’s body and blood. The altar, the surroundings, the Divine Mercy image were all the same as before. But this time I was a little different. Not yet fully delivered of my worry and my desire to cling to the things and people of this life, but on the way. My own road to Emmaus where, at the end, Christ will meet me in a breaking of bread. Self-gift and recognition.

Sorrow, even at Easter time, is alright. Give yourself permission to feel your aches fully, knowing feelings, though human and important, aren’t everything. Whether we feel it or we don't, the fact remains that we are daughters and sons of a reckless, undying love.

No matter what’s in your heart, particularly in light of your wedding and marriage, thank the Father for bringing you close to his heart. Cry out to him. The Cross signifies both agony and ecstasy. It’s so hard when all we can feel is the former, but it's not the end of the road. In whatever ways you are called to rise, you have my prayers.

Peace be with you.

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About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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The Sophia Series | Amy

Last month, we invited our longtime married readers to share the experiences that have marked, refined, and anointed their marriages; months and years that, by grace, transform the mundane, the bitter, and the incomprehensible into the fruits of holy wisdom. A purification and a clear vision for the path to heaven that lies ahead. The Sophia Series.

It's our honor to début this series, one we hope will illuminate the realities, crosses, and joys of this married vocation for newer brides, with Amy Thomas's testimony. Married since 2001 and the founder of Catholic Pilgrim, an initiative inviting the faithful deeper into the great adventure that is life with Christ, Amy's journey to the Catholic faith has become an anchor through grief and witnesses powerfully to the life-giving love of the Lord.

Purest Light Photography

I met my husband Dustin my junior year of college. It was my first day of Air Force ROTC. When I walked in I saw him sitting across the room, every fiber of my being cried out that he was the one. He felt like home to me. In a weird but beautiful way, it was like I already knew him. I was actually engaged to another man at the time, but I knew it would never work out with him, so I broke it off. Dustin and I were friends first, both secretly interested in the other but unable to say it out loud.

We finally got together after I announced my affection for him on my 21st birthday. I may or may not have had the help of a margarita. Once we realized the mutual feelings we had for each other, we just were. We never had an official first date or anything. Because we had been friends first, we knew each other and didn't need to get to know one another. Being in a relationship with Dustin was the most natural thing in the world for me.

At the start, neither Dustin or I were practicing our faith. He is Catholic and at the time, I was Protestant, but our faith lives were stagnant at best.

We decided to live together before marriage and, consequently, I got pregnant out of wedlock.

I could write an entire blog on why it's so important to wait to live together. Thankfully, we knew beforehand that we wanted to be married, and Dustin was always very committed to me throughout my pregnancy. We are an anomaly and don't recommend this strategy to anyone. We see now the beauty of what the Church teaches.

In June of 2001 we welcomed our beautiful daughter, Rhianna. Two months later, we were married. We were young--only 22--but very much in love.

We had the struggles any newlywed couple has, but along with the added struggles of being new parents right off the bat. We really grew up in those early years of our marriage, because we never had a chance to just focus on each other.

We had a baby girl with us from the get-go, and in many, many ways, I'm thankful to God for that blessing. Our daughter really did--and still does--bring out the best in us.

We had a second daughter, Sydney, in 2005. She came early and her birth is a crazy, whirlwind story, but today she's a happy, healthy teenager. After Sydney's birth, though, my husband and I slipped into a period of selfishness. It wasn't blatant or anything, but looking back I can see it clearly.

We weren't really going to church, because we couldn't decide on which church to go to. We fought frequently about my being Protestant and my husband being Catholic. We also were not open to life. I was using contraception from the start of our marriage, but I eventually stopped because it was literally killing me. I experienced severe health problems because of the Pill. I stopped taking birth control, but we weren't knowledgeable about NFP at all.

About this time, I started seriously discerning converting to the Catholic Church.

I threw a lot of lame arguments and misconceptions at my husband about the Church during our early years and he always had an answer that shattered my previous understanding. I finally saw the beauty and truth of the Catholic faith, and in 2009, I entered the Church. It truly has been one of the greatest blessings of my life.

At this same time, I became pregnant. It is terribly sad for me to say, but I wasn't happy about it. I had become very selfish and since my kids were getting older, I enjoyed a lot of "me" time. I didn't want to hassle with diaper bags, nursing, and car seats again. It pains me to say that I was not being the best version of myself. I wasn't being a good mother either, because I was so focused on myself. Eventually, I warmed to the life growing inside me and became excited to welcome this new little soul. Sadly, however, we lost that baby to miscarriage. It was crushing.

For the next four years, we experienced eight miscarriages. Each one was like a slash through my heart. No doctor would test me, and we had no clue as to why I was losing so many babies. My husband and I were utterly devastated. It got to the point, for me, that when I would get pregnant, I would fall into despair, knowing where it would lead.

I was very angry with God and couldn’t understand why He would put us through such suffering.

After my husband came back from a deployment in 2012, we talked about whether we wanted to try again for a baby. We both knew if we tried, we needed to approach it differently--we needed to bring God into the decision and pray.

So, in 2013, we tried again. This time when I took the test and saw two pink lines, I smiled. I ran to my husband and we hugged. It was a good feeling. We soon welcomed our son, Jeremiah.

My husband and I both know Mary was a great intercessor for us. We've experienced two miscarriages after Jeremiah, so we have 10 saints in heaven. I look forward to meeting them someday, and I know they keep a careful watch on their momma. I love them dearly; even though I have never met them, they have blessed me in ways I could never have imagined.

Each one of these children helped strip selfishness from my soul.

They help me to be a better mom to my earthly kids and for that, I am grateful.

This experience was definitely a trial in our marriage, but I think Dustin and I both learned our suffering can purge us of weaknesses and bad behaviors and attitudes. We know now to always bring God into our pain.

In fact, we know that you just don't do married life well without him. In our 16 years of marriage we've dealt with 10 miscarriages, a suicide by a family member, the divorce of my parents, and other crosses along the way. Dustin is my partner, and he is who I want holding my hand through the trials of this life. I want to be there for him, too.

My sister-in-law once told me that marriage is about learning to love well. I think that's true. If we commit ourselves to our spouse and strive to love him well, no matter what life throws at us we can weather it together and come out even better on the other side of the storm.

Amy's words of wisdom for brides:

Always actively look for ways you can grow and become a better wife. So often we focus on what our spouse needs to fix about himself that we never look at what we need to change.

Date your spouse. When kids come, you have to get creative, but it can be done. You and your husband need time to connect and enjoy each other without focusing on babies, bills, and burdens.

With men, just ask them. We ladies often want men to do things how we would do things. We want them to see the mess or anticipate what needs to be done. Most men just don't operate that way, yet most will be quick to help if you simply ask nicely.

No matter where you've been and where you are in your vocation, know of our prayers for you and your marriage. Feeling called to share your own story? Submit your Sophia Series testimony here.

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About the author: Amy Thomas hails from the great state of Kansas, though she's lived the last 15 years away from the “Land of Oz” traveling the country with with her Air Force Airman. She graduated from Kansas State University in 2001 and married her love, Dustin, that same year. She has three amazing kiddos–two daughters and a son. Amy runs the website Catholic Pilgrim and loves to write about the incredible journey of living a genuine, authentic Catholic life. 

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How I Chose My Wedding Gown + A Prayer for Dress Shopping

EMILY RICCI

A few months after my husband and I started dating, I asked him what had made him fall in love with me. After all, we’d been friends for over a year beforehand. His response shocked me.

“Your modesty,” he replied almost instantly. “While every other girl at our school is trying to show everything off, you are always modest, and that’s what made me first look at you.”

When I use the term modesty, I mean it as extending chastity--sexual integration for the sake of freedom--to love of neighbor: guarding others from lust while communicating self-respect. This doesn’t mean I can stop others from having impure thoughts or that it is my fault if they still do, but simply that I want to do my best in assisting others with that struggle. Modesty, for me, means evaluating the motives behind my outfits, examining whether I am wearing something to draw notice or attention to just my body, rather than to the fullness of who I am.

I knew I wanted to find a wedding dress that reflected these values. I wanted my dress to show off not my skin, but my love for my husband. A love that had caused me to leave some parts of myself covered prior to marriage. I didn’t view modesty as a milestone that I had reached and could now discard as I walked down the aisle, but as a lifestyle I wanted to continue embracing even after marriage.

Yet wedding dress shopping can be disheartening for brides who desire to convey their femininity in a non-revealing way. Add to that the fact that I wanted to completely cover my shoulders and shoulder blades due to significant scarring from teenage acne, and I knew shopping would be a challenge.

Despite this foreknowledge, I found the only time I got giddy was whenever I would step into David’s Bridal, my store of choice due to proximity and price range. I’m not sure why, but the bright atmosphere, cheery attendants, and racks of sparkling gowns would make me feel, for a few moments, the true excitement for my wedding day that I often buried under layers of anxiety. Even the fresh, flowery smell of the store would make my heart race in fairy-tale glee.

The day of my first dress appointment brought a healthy dose of concern. I had, of course, spent hours on the internet putting together images of ideal dresses before ever entering the store, but they were all iterations of the same dress I’d had in my mind since I was young: a pure white, A-line gown with lace cap sleeves. The one website lacking a dress like that was that for David’s. However, I assumed they’d have others in the shop.

They didn’t.

The bubbly attendant assigned to me greeted us at the door and asked to see some pictures for inspiration. As I showed her each one, her face fell. “I don’t think we really have anything like that,” she admitted. Still, she told me she would see what she had. I fought back tears of frustration.

“Just try on this strapless dress,” my attendant insisted, but I refused. What had she not understood about my needs? “What if we added sleeves?” she asked, probably desperate to get me into any dress at that point.

My heart beat a little faster. I’d never even considered alterations like sleeves, panels, or layers. “I…didn’t know that was an option,” I replied. In response, she opened a tissue-papered package with a pair of lace cap sleeves, just like I’d originally envisioned.

As I stepped out into the wall of mirrors wearing that first dress, the lace sleeves balancing precariously on my shoulders, I blinked in surprise. I realized I was standing in the very dress I’d always pictured. This was it. This was the dress, except instead of a model, it was me in the dress, and it looked even better than I’d imagined.

At that point, there was no need for me to keep trying on dresses, but I slipped on two more anyway. As my mom stepped away to look at jewelry, I stood alone before the mirror, fighting back tears. Like so many other things that I knew God had brought to me in the past (including my groom-to-be), this dress just felt inexplicably right. Like they say, when you know, you know.

As someone who has always had poor body image, I was shocked to feel so radiant.

By the world’s standards, my dress may have been boring or plain. But for me, it allowed me to exemplify who I am as a woman, and who I want to be as a wife.

My “simple” gown, like any modest, feminine choice would,  invited our guests to focus not on my body, but on the love in my eyes and the joy in my heart.

In a small way, it allowed me to witness to Christ, and make him--not me--the center of our celebration.

As someone who’s been there, I’d advise brides feeling anxious about dress choices to remember Romans 12:2: “Do not allow this world to mold you into its own image.” Reality shows  and bridal magazines do not define what a beautiful bride looks like.

Whether you’re worried about size, modesty, cost, or something else, don’t feel you have to settle for the world’s standards. Instead, let the joy of your love for your spouse, and for Christ, be your choice garment on your wedding day.

I wish I’d said a prayer that day before going shopping, because I bet the experience would have been far less stressful. Looking back, this is what I would have prayed:

Prayer before wedding dress shopping

Lord, as I go to try on wedding dresses today, I pray this is a joyful time, and I offer you the anxiety I may feel.

Help me to experience joy in this process, and find a dress that will make me feel beautiful inside and out.

Thank you for my groom, who values my heart over my body. Help me to remember he will find me radiant no matter what I wear and that my smile is all he needs to be happy.

Guide me to the dress that will mark our new beginning, that will exhibit my love and joy in this vocation and make me feel like Your beautiful, beloved daughter. Allow my dress to glorify You, oh Lord, and praise you for the gifts you’ve given me.

If I am worried about my looks, help me see past my self-perceived flaws, to see me as you see me, and remind me that my true beauty lies not in the standards of this world, not in the clothes I wear on the outside, but in the way I live my life, and in the joy I exhibit in your Presence and in the presence of my beloved.

Amen.

Images by Newman Photos, from the author's wedding.

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About the Author: Emily Ricci is a Spoken Bride vendor and the owner of Gloriam Marketing, a Catholic marketing, consulting, and event planning firm that designs programs and custom inserts for Catholic weddings. She married her college sweetheart and best friend on June 16, 2017 and has a passion for Christ, marketing, and the Oxford comma (in that order).

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Behold, You Are Beautiful.

JENNY JAMES

This piece is the second in a two-part series on fitness and self-image. Jenny James and her neighbor, Emily Kelch, are the founders of SoulStrength Sisters, a women's fitness ministry that prioritizes community, feminine strength, and the wholeness of who women are created to be. Read Emily's reflection here.

Arise, my love, my beautiful one, and come away. O my dove, in the clefts of the rock in the crannies of the cliff, let me see your face, let me hear your voice, for your voice is sweet, and your face is lovely. - Song of Songs 2:13-14

Photography: Anne Molnar Photography, seen in Katherine + Dominic's Fourth of July wedding

How did I know my husband was the one? He was deeply interested in me--not in a falsely flattering way, but in a way that was drawing out the good in me. He sought me where I didn’t know that I was: curled up in a ball, in a cleft of a cliff, walling off the best parts of me in order to protect my heart.

Under his gaze, I opened like a bud in spring. Tentatively at first, but in the warmth of his love, I blossomed into the real me. Over the past eight  years, he has loved me as I’ve struggled with body image and doubts about my worth. No matter how many times my husband affirmed, “You look great! You’re beautiful!” I didn’t believe him.  

God loves beauty. He created beauty. He is beautiful.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to look beautiful, healthy and strong. Our bodies are his temple, and he wants us to take care of them in the best way we can.

What is wrong is putting my worth into a distorted view of what I think beauty should look like in me. What is wrong is wanting to change the temple he gave me into something it is not, or into someone who I am not.

Slowly, with much prayer and effort, the Lord has given me the wisdom and discipline to eat healthier and become more consistent in my workouts. He’s even graced me with a love for weight training. But the bigger lesson is still being drawn out of me.

As my Savior calls to me, “arise my love, my beautiful one, let me see your face,” He beckons me away from my walled-off hole in the cliff where I self-analyze, tear down and obsess. He wants to see my face just the way I am.

If I turn my gaze to him, I will stop thinking so much about me, me, me.

I still have a long way to go. There are times--like tonight--when it’s that time of the month, I’ve had one too many dark chocolate pieces, and I hide myself from my husband while changing clothes before bed. What is this? I’ve crawled back behind my walls, hiding in that most miserable kind of pride: the pride of sensitivity that masks itself as humility.  

I can’t force these thoughts and feelings to go away. Through prayer, though, the Lord is changing me. He reminds me of my worth as his beloved. And gently, most gently, he takes my face in his hands, turning my thoughts away from me and towards him and others whom he wants me to love.  

If you haven’t read Song of Songs in awhile, go back and revisit it. Imagine you are the bride and Jesus the bridegroom. Then hear, a thousand times over, Jesus saying to you: Behold, you are beautiful, my love, behold, you are beautiful.

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About the Author: Daughter of the King, wife to the strongest, most loyal man, mama to three blossoming littles, Jenny left a "real" job at a solid company after (finally) recognizing God calling her to be wife and mother first. After struggling for years with fluctuating weight, Jenny found stability and consistency in weight training. When her dear friend Emily asked her to start a fitness coaching business with her, she jumped at the chance to teach other women about the beauty and success of weight training.  Along with Emily, Jenny is the co-creator of SoulStrength Sisters.

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How to Create + Give a Spiritual Bouquet

ANDI COMPTON

On the morning of our wedding, my Maid of Honor presented me with a bouquet of daisies. Tied to the flowers were sweet cards written with prayers and sacrifices our bridal party and friends had been offering for my husband and I as as we prepared for our wedding day. I was absolutely floored by this wonderful, thoughtful gift; a spiritual bouquet. It was incredible to see all the ways our loved ones were bringing us to the Lord. A reminder of how we are all part of the body of Christ, praying and sacrificing for one another always.

There is no right or wrong way to create a spiritual bouquet, a lovely way of gathering prayers either from yourself or a group, for anyone who could use some spiritual encouragement. Essentially, it is a gift of prayer--like a bouquet, a collection of beautiful offerings intended to bear fruit, goodness, and beauty in the life of the recipient--that can be presented in a creative, tangible way to commemorate a significant event.

If you’re a bridesmaid looking to intercede for a bride, or a bride hoping to infuse your gifts for parents and wedding party members with a spiritual dimension, here are ideas to inspire you.

Binder of prayers

This works well when you’ve got a large amount of people--even groups of several hundred--contributing, or when flowers simply wouldn’t be practical or affordable. Use the free printable we’ve created below to distribute the cards. Have participants to fill in with prayers and sacrifices, then collect them and use plastic trading card sleeves to put them in a binder.

Embroidered flowers or a floral painting

For flowers that last forever, considering ordering or creating your own work of art. Hyssop and Honey turns your prayers into flowers for a lasting keepsake. If you're feeling artistic, try painting or crafting your bouquet as you pray.

Greeting cards

Something as simple as sending a loved one a card like this one, citing prayers you’ve offered for them, is a great way to show your love and encouragement.

Download our Spiritual Bouquet printable below:

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About the Author: Andi Compton is Spoken Bride's Business Director. She is the owner of Now That's a Party where she coordinates weddings, fundraising galas, and social events. Read more

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Cultivating Gratitude for Your Body

EMILY KELCH

This piece is the first in a two-part series on fitness and self-image. Emily Kelch and her neighbor, Jenny James, are the founders of SoulStrength Sisters, a women's fitness ministry that prioritizes community, feminine strength, and the wholeness of who women are created to be. Read Jenny's reflection next week.

Navigating the waters of fitness as a Catholic woman can be a treacherous journey. Nurturing our bodies as temples of the Holy Spirit is a just and worthy pursuit. But women, in particular, face a tension that exists between being fully alive--mind, body, and soul--and being a slave to sloth or exercise: the mirror or the magazines? The chocolate or the comparison?

I was immune to this tension in high school and college as I immersed myself in sports. But when I began preparing for my wedding day, I was bombarded with eating plans and bridal boot camps designed to help me achieve the coveted toned arms, sculpted six pack, and perky glutes of glowing, gowned models in magazines. I'm sorry to say I resorted to the not-so-healthy habits of under-eating and hours on the treadmill.

Ten years later, I am still bombarded with images of the ideal, but this time in the form of 4-week postpartum, bikini-clad celebrities, fitness models preaching the perfect exercise for my body, and articles claiming they know the secrets to gain "only belly weight during pregnancy." Sisters, it doesn't stop after your wedding day, but I wish I would have been able to tell my bride-self these five pieces of wisdom to help foster gratitude for the temple.

Own your Beauty.  

Just as we are given spiritual gifts to nurture and grow, we are also given physical gifts--and we shouldn't be ashamed! If we are fearfully and wonderfully made, we must walk, run, and lift with poise and dignity despite knowledge of our flaws. No, you may not be able to pull off that lipstick your girlfriend dons or wear your sister's skinny jeans, but those curly locks? That dimpled smile? They are gifts, so rock your own unique, unequivocal beauty.

Move with Joy.

I love deadlifting heavy weights. My dear sister is a natural yogi, while my best friend finds peace in the quiet monotony of a morning swim. Find something you love so "working out" isn't actual work.

Change with the Season.  

Seasons of life prune us as we go: a new job's schedule may conflict with your favorite barre class; the little life growing within you will prevent your all-time-squat PR; liturgical seasons like Lent force you to assess attachments to vice and sin. The seemingly small changes in our lives are opportunities for grace and are built-in mortifications. Accept them as gifts, and adjust realistically.

Find Community.

We live in constant temptation to compare, so find a tribe that speaks to your heart, challenges you physically, and encourages you spiritually.

Be grounded in prayer.

When I am meeting the Lord in prayer every day, I am reminded that my worth isn't in the absence of a thigh gap, impeccable meal planning, or a perfectly planned workout schedule. My worth is found as a daughter of God. When we are grounded in prayer, fitness is less likely to become an idol and more likely to be viewed as a tool to grow in temperance, self control, and obedience.

Through ten years of marriage, five babies, multiple failures and “beginning agains,” I've found that to be the best gift I can give my husband and children, I must aim to be my best self--body and soul. I still stumble at times (many times!), but I always come back to these points to help refresh my perspective.  

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About the Author: Smitten wife, mama of five, homeschooler and nurse (on the very, very side), Emily is a recovering people-pleaser whose favorite things include deadlifts, feminine dresses, St. Therese, and 90s music playlists. While she thoroughly enjoys hosting dance parties and serving British delicacies with her very sanguine husband, she is happiest in the company of life-giving friends, deep conversations, and drinking in the beauty of quiet, prayerful mornings, and fresh--not yet reheated--coffee.

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Holy Week Traditions for Couples

Creating your own traditions as a couple with each new liturgical season is a great blessing of growing a shared life in Christ. As the Lenten season draws to a close and we prepare to enter the most solemn, silent week of the year, consider adding spiritual and sensory reminders to your routine that invite deeper contemplation of Christ’s Passion and death and encourage a sense of ritual and closeness between you, your beloved, and your loved ones.

Here, our suggestions for a meaningful Holy Week and Easter Triduum.

Photography: Kelly Ginn Photography, seen in Sally + Matthew's engagement

Throughout Holy Week

Pray together as you designate a spot in your home for palms.

If you haven’t already done so on the fifth Sunday of Lent, take time this week to cover any crucifixes, religious art, or statues in your home. Broadcloth, in purple or another somber color, is an affordable option from fabric stores. Like any bride, the Church veils what is good and beautiful for the purpose of reserving that beauty for the proper occasion--in this case, the fullness of life made new on Easter Sunday.

Choose one of the Gospels, and read a portion of it each night.

Employ an extra penance you and your fiancé or spouse can both take part in this week, such as no meat, no TV or media, or a fast from unnecessary spending.

Plan to attend a Tenebrae service in your diocese.

Holy Thursday

Attend your dicoese’s Chrism Mass, wherein the holy oils used in the sacraments throughout the year are blessed by a bishop. This Mass reminds the faithful of Christ’s great gifts to us of the sacraments, and its beautiful cathedral setting invites reverence and worship.

Pray a Holy Hour together after the Mass of the Lord’s Supper, before the Blessed Sacrament if your church offers it. If time and geography allow, consider partaking in the tradition of the Seven Churches Visitation, essentially a pilgrimage of Eucharistic Adoration in various locations.

Good Friday

Starting today, begin the Divine Mercy novena.

Following Stations of the Cross and the Good Friday service, cook a simple dinner together.

Spend a portion of the day together in silence.

Holy Saturday

If your family makes a big Easter feast, consider assisting with cooking and preparations. Get to know your beloved’s family stories and recipes.

Pray for your marriage--or future marriage--in a particular way. Holy Saturday speaks to so many instances of waiting, from the anticipation of your wedding day to a longing for answered prayers in work and family-related matters.

For all of this coming week, in fact, enter into the waiting, this sense of bated breath. Allow yourselves to sit with your longings. Entrust them to the Lord, knowing he desires nothing hidden from us, that he loves just as we are in our brokenness, and that he rejoices in our vulnerability. His love restores. Know of our prayers for you as we prepare for the joy of the Resurrection, and don’t hesitate to contact us with specific intentions we can share with you and unite to the Cross.

5 Ways to Incorporate Ethically Made + Eco-Friendly Products into Your Wedding

ERIN MACKEY

Pope Benedict XVI said, “Purchasing is always a moral—and not simply economic—act.” As an newly engaged couple, you and your fiancé have a unique opportunity to many options for including service to others in the material preparations for your wedding and marriage.

Monica Jazmine Photography, from our 1940s-inspired vintage styled shoot

The purchases you make for your wedding and reception reflect your values. From your dress to the flowers, there is a person behind each product. And just like you, they have a story to share. These creators' stories become part of yours. So, consider choosing ethically made, fair trade, vintage and local sources to carry out your commitment to service in your celebration.

Here, five ways to incorporate ethically made and eco-friendly products into your wedding and reception:

Jewelry: vintage, fair trade and conflict free

Vintage rings are great for those who love stories from the past. When you buy a vintage ring—or, if you’re lucky—have one handed down to you, you preserve past memories and prevent the ring from being tossed out or forgotten. If you prefer a new engagement ring or wedding bands, consider purchasing rings that are certified fair trade and conflict free. Either way, you’ll have peace of mind knowing you’re not unintentionally funding child labor or violent conflict—and you’ll be helping to protect the environment from pollution caused by conventional mining practices.

Wedding gowns: vintage, fair trade, and repurposing 

Like vintage rings, vintage gowns are a great eco-friendly option. You can have fun searching for just the right gown that reflects your style or pays homage to a particular era. I personally love the style of Grace Kelly’s iconic gown and was thrilled to see that Kate Middleton, now the duchess of Cambridge, chose a similar style when she got married.

Fair trade wedding dresses are growing in popularity. Handmade by artisans in developing countries who are paid fair wages, these dresses are crafted in safe conditions that also respect the environment.

After the wedding, it might be hard to imagine parting ways with your beloved gown, so consider these ethical alternatives to preserve it: upcycle your dress into christening gowns, or donate it  to an organization that provides for brides who might not be able to afford a new (or even a used) gown. Which brings me to my last idea: you can sell your dress to a consignment shop to be loved by another bride.  

Bridesmaid dresses: fair trade

We all want our closest friends—our sisters—to feel confident, comfortable and beautiful in their bridesmaid dresses. My friends have always been so thoughtful when choosing dresses, and I’m grateful for the time and energy they put in to choosing a dress that would flatter me and work for my budget. Fair trade bridesmaid dresses are becoming easier to find and, just like fair trade wedding gowns, are handmade by artisans in developing countries who earn fair wages. And their prices are very comparable—and sometimes less—than similar bridesmaid dresses.

Flowers: local, seasonal and fair trade

I’ve always enjoyed seeing seasonal flowers at weddings: sunflowers in late summer, daffodils in early spring, or flowers not native to my Maryland home when I’m attending a wedding out of state. Local farms and florists will let you know which blooms are native to your region and will be available during your wedding month. By choosing native flowers that are in season, you support your local economy.  

Fair trade flowers are another option worth considering. Although they may be shipped from overseas, fair trade flowers can set your arrangements apart. They are produced by workers who earn fair wages, and come from farms that use sustainable practices.

Gifts: fair trade registries and donations

You can include fair trade options on your gift registry, too. From kitchenware to other home essentials, fair trade products add special meaning to gift giving. And if there’s nothing you really need or want, consider giving guests the option of donating to you and your future spouse’s favorite charity, instead. As someone who never knows what to get as a gift, the option for a donation is always welcome, and it gives me a glimpse into my family and friends’ particular hearts for service.

I hope you find these tips helpful as you prepare for your wedding. You truly have an opportunity to be a witness to your guests on your wedding day, and the products you choose to use can be a powerful way of showing your commitment to service and responsibility.

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About the Author: Erin Mackey is a young professional who strives to live out her faith by seeking a simple, sustainable and conscious lifestyle. She loves discovering new ethical companies that are changing the world and believes business can be a force for good. She currently serves on the Ethical Trade team at Catholic Relief Services and in her free time enjoys tea dates, exercise and listening to podcasts. Erin has contributed to The Catholic Woman and appeared on The Catholic Feminist and Leah Darrow's Do Something Beautiful podcasts.

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How to Support Your Fiancé's Growth in Spiritual Leadership

SINIKKA ROHRER

You close your eyes, fold your hands, and let your chin fall, ready to pray for the first time with your beloved leading. You wait for his words to come. With every passing second, you realize you might have just asked him to do something he’s never done out loud before, especially not in front of his fiancé, whom he is desperate to continue to impress until she says I do.

Soul Creations Photography, as seen in Becca + Kyle's Mediterranean-inspired styled shoot

If you have ever felt like you and your fiancé’s prayer lives are on opposite ends of a spectrum, know you’re not alone. Many times in the Catholic faith, we are used to reading pre-written prayers or praying silently along as someone else leads. There are few times we are asked, or encouraged, to lead a prayer without any sort of prompt.

But now that you’re engaged and starting a journey toward the aisle--and heaven--with a partner, there are bound to be more occasions of unscripted, and it may be a first for you. As women, we often desire concrete spiritual leadership, i.e. a man tuned into his loved ones’ spiritual welfare.

For many men, this is something new to grow into during engagement--not as the result of any weakness or deficiency on their part, but simply as a result of this being unfamiliar territory. There’s a new, more serious call to spiritual strength in engagement and marriage than in just friendship or dating. That means that the firsts he will experience will be as your family’s spiritual leader, as he prays around the dining room table or at the beginning of a meal while you are on a double date.

While your fiancé experiences many firsts in his spiritual life during engagement, you will, as well.

In marriage, men and women are each called to lead in different, unique ways.

Invite each other to pray when you’re together, prompt one another with prayer ideas, and ask your love to pray for you in specific needs you have. I also encourage you to pray, both silently and aloud, for your husband-to-be. Use the resources around you to pray for his career, friends, faith, health, and priorities.

Praying in front of one another does not always come naturally. As you become husband and wife, I challenge you to pray daily for your marriage, friends and relatives, and specific needs you personally have. A nightly routine will bring fruit in engagement and set up a firm foundation to cover your marriage, family, and friends in much needed prayer.

When you do finally make your way down the aisle and find yourselves praying before meals, at bible studies, and passing accidents or emergencies while you’re in the car, I challenge you to use both the pre-written prayers of our Church and spontaneous prayers of your heart. Because as you grown in your shared prayer life, and as your husband grows as a spiritual leader, the most powerful place to be is on your knees.

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About the Author: Sinikka Rohrer is a Christian wedding photographer and Spoken Bride vendor on a mission to encourage brides with practical and spiritual encouragement on the way to the aisle. She is a lover of all things healthy, early morning spiritual reads, and anything outdoors.

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When Your Reception is "Just" In the Church Hall

In a culture awash with Pinterest-perfect images, it’s easy to feel inadequate about having a relatively simpler wedding. In a word, don’t.

PHOTOGRAPHY: Soul Creations Photography

Reception venues, in particular, can help convey the desired theme for your day, from a rustic-chic barn to an elegant ballroom. But what if these locations just aren’t in the cards for you?

Couples on a budget frequently turn to parish halls and event spaces for their receptions, and truly, they are as worthy a dwelling for your joy as anywhere. Even without certain amenities, your church hall reception will be beautiful, because at its heart it will reflect the love between you, your new husband, and your shared love for Christ. Consider these ways to embrace your reception situation.

No need to apologize.

Knowing you and your guests might have attended more elaborate wedding venues in the past, you might be tempted to apologize for “just” having a church hall reception. But there’s no need.

As much as guests might appreciate certain glamorous elements, it’s not the glamour they’re attending your wedding for. It’s you. And being there for you on your big day involves enjoying any and all offerings, from food to favors to music, with gratitude. You, your beloved, and your parents are the hosts of your day, and it’s gracious for hosts to embody poise and self-assurance, rather than self-consciousness, in their choices. Your guests will follow your lead and, in all likelihood, will be so happy to share in your day that anything besides your union with your new spouse will be secondary.

In the mid-twentieth century, many city parishes held weekly dances for young adults, as well as meals and shelter for those going without. The hall was a central part of parish life; in holding your reception in one, know that you’re taking part in a long tradition of Catholic culture. Additionally, there are the benefits of little to no travel time between your Mass and reception, allowing for more time for photos and with guests, and of knowing you’re making a financial contribution to the Church.

Cultivate creativity and confidence.

If your hall is simply arranged, consider it a blank slate and, if it's a priority for you, find ways to maximize the setting. Adding in ambient lighting to offset overhead bulbs, renting pretty chair and table covers, and using blank wall areas for décor can all help enhance your space.

What’s more, trust in your wedding vendors to help you maximize your resources. Coordinators, for instance, are familiar with working in a variety of settings. Photographers have trained themselves in using natural and artificial light to its best advantage and to prioritizing tighter, close-up shots when a location calls for it, all to produce beautiful images that capture the spirit of your day.

Remember it’s the experience that will linger.

Wedding photographers frequently say that no matter how well-dressed their clients are for a session, or no matter how beautiful the shooting location, if the clients feel stressed or awkward they won’t look at their final images with fondness. In other words, people generally remember how they felt more than what their surroundings were like. So strive to create a reception atmosphere that’s relaxed and festive, filled with affirmation, warm greetings, and dancing. When you and your guests look back at your wedding images, you’ll remember that palpable sense of joy more vividly than any other aspect.

The weddings we’re honored to share with you in this ministry range from elaborate to simple, with a variety of aesthetics unique to each of our brides and their beloveds. We love getting a glimpse of your hearts and hearing your stories, knowing you share with us a love for the good, true, and beautiful. And we know that you know it’s not about the material trappings of weddings: what shines forth most brightly, what makes a “Spoken Bride wedding,” and what we are here to share above all, is that a love rooted in Christ is the ultimate source of immense beauty in and of itself.