Tips for Choosing Your First Dance

STEPHANIE CALIS

Perhaps there’s a song you’ve loved since long before you were dating your spouse-to-be, one you determined you’d dance to at your wedding. Maybe you and your beloved have had “your” own song from the start. But what if you don’t fall into those categories? Here, four considerations that can aid in your decision-making.

Photography: Horn Photography and Design as seen in Katie + Ted’s Classic Southern Summer Wedding

Is there a song that recalls a particular time or memory from our relationship?

Your song might not be one you’ve discussed outright in the past, but one that speaks to your history as a couple, nonetheless. Maybe hearing a song that was on heavy rotation at a memorable time in your relationship transports you vividly back to that moment. Perhaps there’s a piece that consoled one or both of you during a difficult time.

One of the songs with the strongest hold on my own memory, for instance, is one I actually experienced alone. Around the time I started dating my husband, I had recently bought Keith Urban’s album Defying Gravity; I’d repeatedly play one of the tracks, “If Ever I Could Love,” that captured the sense of newness, purity, and the joy of discovery I found myself experiencing. Take time to consider what titles have played a similar role for you; list the songs that have held a particular meaning in your own lives to this point or remind you of one another.

What songs are meaningful in our family cultures?

Dancing to your parents’ or grandparents’ wedding songs convey a sense of timelessness and of respect and affection for the bonds of love that make up your families and their traditions. Elise’s parents’ song, “It Had to Be You,” holds a fond and particular significance to her to this day.

Would we like to dance in a particular style?

If you and your beloved are skilled at swing, ballroom, or a style of dance that reflects your heritage, incorporating it is fun and takes off some of the pressure for your first dance to be a completely serious, romantic affair. At a wedding I attended were the groom was a theatre teacher, the couple included a choreographed entrance by the bridal party at the conclusion of their first dance. Jiza and her husband performed a swing dance.

And keep in mind that though your dancing style might not be contemporary, your song selection still can be: a friend and her husband waltzed to Lifehouse’s “You and Me” at their reception.

What do we hope to convey about love and marriage?

Your witness to lifelong love doesn’t end when your nuptial Mass does; it’s manifest throughout your entire wedding day. Whether you communicate it directly or simply through your actions and decisions, you and your beloved speak the language of free, faithful, fruitful, and total promises, simply by virtue of who you are and of choosing sacramental marriage. There are a wealth of selections, both secular and Christian, that embody the language of wedding vows; songs that speak to the longing of our hearts for something more than this life, the glimpse of heaven pure, sacrificial love affords us, the constant battle to allow love to prevail over lust and selfishness, and the perfecting love of the Father, who rejoices simply in the fact that we exist. Take them to prayer and see what lyrics stand out and might lend themselves to your first dance.

Choosing your wedding song one that expresses who you are as a couple and strikes whatever mood--romantic, lighthearted, or otherwise--you intend might feel like a tall order, yet as wedding planning goes, it’s one of the less stressful decisions to be made. The Father sings over us, his children, in a particular way through the sacraments, and no matter what selection you make, the love between you and your spouse makes his rejoicing so visibly evident.

Get inspired by the team’s love song suggestions here. We invite you to share your own favorites and first dance selections, as well. Tell us about your song in the comments and on our social media!

How He Asked | TheaMarie + Benjamin

TheaMarie was raised Protestant, but met her husband-to-be at their Catholic high school. For three years, she and Ben were close friends, telling each other everything in between dating relationships with others. Ben asked TheaMarie to their junior prom where, to her surprise, he asked her to be his girlfriend two weeks later.

In TheaMarie’s words: God is beautifully omniscient and works in the most graceful ways. Slowly but surely, the Lord began to work through Benjamin's loving faith and practices to show me the beauty, mercy, and consolation of the Catholic Church. We began spending time in the chapel during lunch together, going to late-night Adoration, and exploring the sacraments together.

On November 1, 2013 I entered the Catholic Church at a school-wide Mass, with Ben as an altar server. It was very special, and an experience we both hold dear to our hearts. We both went off to college in Wisconsin, him in Milwaukee and myself in La Crosse. Dating long-distance has stretched us in ways we couldn't have imagined. These past four years have not been without tears or long discussions, but the fruits have already become manifest. We have continually looked to our Mother and to St. Joseph for guidance as we’ve weathered our journey across the distance.

Our engagement was expected, yet also completely unexpected. It was expected in that we had been courting for four years, working on our careers and bettering ourselves to grow closer to God. But the timing and setting were entirely unexpected.

I was convinced Ben would propose somewhere in our North Dakota hometown, where we spent countless hours talking, working on homework, driving around, praying, and being with family and friends. He completely surprised me when I’d delayed my flight home from school beforer Christmas break.

It was a Saturday night, and we were on our way to Mass. It was beginning to storm. Unknown to me, before we left Ben had made plans with friends who worked for the Basilica of St. Josaphat in Milwaukee, asking them the best spot to propose. On our drive to the Basilica, at the same time we both said we wanted to go to a different Catholic Church we had been planning to explore more at some point. We took the exit and attended a beautiful Mass, with few present as the winter storm had made travel difficult.

At the end of Mass, we finished our prayer. Ben asked if we could go to the front of the church to pray for safe travels. As we knelt, I could feel that he was nervous, which made me nervous!

We prayed, and I got up and to put my jacket on. Ben grabbed it from me and put it on the pew. With my hand in his, he knelt and said,

"TheaMarie, we have grown so much over the past seven years. I cannot imagine my life without you. You are my whole life. Will you make me the happiest man... Will you marry me?"

I stood there in disbelief and absolute excitement and said, "Yes, yes, yes!" We hugged, kissed, and he put the most beautiful ring on my finger. The center diamond is from my mother's wedding ring, and my dad, who owns a jewelry store, created it himself.

We thanked God for our relationship and enjoyed a nice meal, just the two of us in a big city where no one knew us. We looked at Christmas lights and called our parents. The next day, I had to leave for home. It was the most beautiful time we had together and our long engagement of one and a half years has been a gift to us: a time of growing in virtue, patience, mercy, understanding, love, and allowing for God to work within us and through one another.

Photography: Ben Gumeringer Photography | Engagement: Milwaukee, WI |. Engagement Ring: Knowles Jewelry, Bismarck ND

The Sophia Series | Marisol

We invite our longtime married readers to share the experiences that have marked, refined, and anointed their marriages; months and years that, by grace, transform the mundane, the bitter, and the incomprehensible into the fruits of holy wisdom. A purification and a clear vision for the path to heaven that lies ahead. The Sophia Series.

Photography: Laura Kay Photography

My husband and I met providentially while hanging out with a mutual friend. We made a deep connection from the beginning, and I remember thinking that he brought out the best in me. I felt right at home. We got engaged after a courtship of over five years and have been married for the last 10 years.

On my wedding day, I remember a prayer after communion where I fully understood how much God loved my husband and how he uses instruments--especially those closest to us--to express that love. I understood that for my husband, I would be either a vessel or an obstacle to that love in the years to come. I prayed I would be the former.

The biggest obstacle to our marriage was discovered during our honeymoon. We had waited until that moment for physical intimacy. However, we were unable to have intercourse. Once we returned from our trip, I sought medical advice and after much research, I discovered I had issues with my pelvic floor muscles. Involuntary spasms have kept me, to this day, unable to consummate the marriage.

This has been a very big cross to bear and has created many moments of pain; however, it has also allowed the both of us great lessons and growth.

I am in awe at the fact that our marriage remains faithful after 10 years. Many times, couples have a harder time discerning whether to separate, based on factors such as children or the unlikely option of annulment. In our case neither of those factors exist, as our marriage is, to date, not physically consummated. It is beautiful to know it is our free will that keeps us in union and in constant yes for this sacrament.

I remember feeling inadequate, like a failure as a wife, due to my medical problem. I have learned self-love and self-compassion, which in turn allow me to be ever more loving and compassionate towards others.

Intimacy brings couples together at many levels, including physically, neurologically, emotionally, and spiritually. Since my husband and I do not have this great perk, we have learned to go from me to we in other ways. One of them is through each other’s love languages. His is acts of service, while mine is quality time. It is amazing how a concept so simple is so easily forgotten. Here is a recent example:

This past weekend was spent at home after my husband underwent a procedure requiring him to stay indoors for two days, which is unusual for us and for his sanguine temperament.

Imagine a total extrovert and a bit of a perfectionist trapped indoors during the weekend. We came to a moment where every area of the kitchen was in disarray. We had finished dinner and were in the middle of watching a movie. My husband paused the movie to feed our pet rabbit and in that moment, I thought it would be appropriate to come up with something to celebrate  St. Patrick's Day.

I pulled out a bottle of Irish cream and made some coffee. I could already taste the goodness. My cup and saucer were perfectly set next to a glass of Irish cream over ice, ready for the perfect Instagram Story.

As my husband came back downstairs, he began remarking on the dirty dishes, the stove splattered with olive oil, and groceries that needed to go in the pantry.

I could not believe he was ruining our ‘Irish’ little moment for this! I took offense and began feeling quite resentful. Remember that my love language is quality time--we were speaking it fluently until this moment of pause.

Things shifted to all the unfinished cleaning and suddenly, as I reluctantly washed dishes, I considered my husband's love language: acts of service.

Wasn't the dinner enough? Wasn't the glass of Irish cream over ice the cherry on top? Why couldn't we just continue watching the movie?

I realized I’d encountered a perfect opportunity to love. My resentment turned into determination to clean that kitchen and clean it well.

An hour went by and I could tell my husband felt guilty. He kept helping out and even started vacuuming in some random area of the house. He set the empty coffee cup on the table as if to signal it was waiting.

Part of me wanted to continue speaking his love language and serving. Yet my pride also kicked in, and I didn’t feel like jumping back into the movie and coffee. I could get over the interruption.

I considered the possibility of finishing the dishes and going upstairs to take a bath. My pride did not want to receive quality time after I was done with the effort of loving. I wanted to jump right into self-care--not the generous kind,but the kind that would give a clear message of how annoyed I still was, deep within.

As I moved on to cleaning the stove, my husband said it could wait. I was determined to finish and was reluctant to go back to that cup of coffee (I was still in full pride mode!).

My husband invited me to finish the movie. As much as my ego wanted me to run upstairs, I accepted. We had a good rest of the evening, and I knew that pause had been well spent.

The next morning, we attended a birthday brunch. We enjoyed time with friends, and afterward my husband made plans for us to spend the afternoon together. We went shopping, to the museum, walked around, ate hot dogs, and went to my favorite evening Mass, followed by a coffee shop.

My husband spoke so much of my own love language that weekend, and I can only say you can never outdo God in generosity.

I am not sure whether all these words would be enough to tell all the stories of our marriage. But I can say I have learned how to persevere through thick and thin and to focus on what matters, one day at a time. I have learned to be fully present to God, to myself, and my vocation.

I wish I could say there was a 'happily ever after' kind of ending to this story. The reality is that we continue to work with the big elephant in the room--our obstacles to intimacy--tackling it one bite at a time and never ceasing to gaze at the eternal.

Our vocation has gifted us with innumerable lessons and joys. I cannot wait to learn what other chapters God has in store for us!

In the past, I remember praying for a holy family. One year into my marriage, while looking at an image of the Holy Family, I realized that they do not represent the husband, the wife and their child. Mary, Joseph and Jesus represented the husband and wife, with Christ at the center. I realized at that moment, this is the one thing we need for a holy family.

We have many images from our wedding day; however, one of my favorites is the one where we are having a pillow fight. Our reception was at a hotel, with our suite nearby, so our photographer suggested an impromptu series in there. When I look at these photos, I cannot help but wonder at how the bedroom happens to be the place where our biggest struggle would take place. Just like that friendly pillow fight, we keep fighting in unison each day: to do God’s will and learn the art of love and communion ever more perfectly.

Marisol’s words of wisdom for brides:

Make room for the unimaginable. Each marriage holds a unique story. Let the Master author write the greatest lines.

Keep Christ at the center.

Marriage is the only sacrament not imparted by a priest. Husband and wife say yes to one another on their wedding  day, and they hold the power to say that same yes to one another on a daily basis.

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About the Author: Marisol has a great love for art and humanities. You may find her designing and styling, or gaining inspiration from books, art, friends and family, or a random conversation with a homeless human in the streets. She is passionate about the art of living in the present moment and of finding beauty in every circumstance. Her additional writing can be found at The Maritus Project and Beauty Found.

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Readers Share | 100 Words of Advice for Brides

Like the sacrament of marriage itself, we intend for this ministry to be lived in communion. We are wildly grateful, with all glory to God, for every story, comment, and prayer intention you entrust to us that makes that possible. Thank you. We recently asked Spoken Bride newsletter subscribers and social media followers to share with us their best advice for your wedding day and marriage, in 100 words or less. Here’s what you had to say.

Emma Dallman Photography

Invite as much love as you can to your wedding instead of worrying about limiting the invite list. The week of the wedding, when last minute people cannot attend, you will wish that everyone you love could be there.

My favorite memory, was sitting after communion just in front of the first pew. Being surrounded by the love of Jesus, my spouse, and my loved ones squeezing my knee after they received made me realize how blessed and loved I truly am. That is what I want for every bride. - Kayleigh 

My advice for brides on their wedding day is to slow down and really take in every moment. The whole day is such a blur once it’s over! There is so much pressure to make sure the whole day is “perfect,” but I really cherished the moments where it was just me and my husband taking in our special day together."- Michelle

My husband and I have been together for 21 years and married for 15.

Trust your entire life to your spouse’s love and intentions. Apologize and resolve any conflict right away, no matter who is at fault. Laugh and hug every single day you’re together. Find joy in who you are now and later, as you will both evolve. Never put yourself down. Never speak about stressful things as soon as you come home. Always eat dinner together. Talk constantly. Pray together. Hold hands during the homily. Kiss good night. Know that any hardship or joy is God’s will. This is just the beginning of a most beautiful life. - Milissa, @milis_sweets

Say Hail Marys throughout the day with the intention of soaking up each particular moment. It slowed me down, allowed me to take everything in, and challenged me to remind myself of Mary’s humility (because it’s a day when the attention is all on the bride!). - Kat, @katfinney

Realize that the day will go by in a blink. It’s you and your husband’s big day, but it will go by so fast and both of you will be pulled in a million different directions. Don’t let this frustrate you. Enjoy the day, roll with the tide, and know that any bumps or unexpected things will be sources of laughter for years to come. - Amy, @catholic_pilgrim79

When you find things difficult, think of the moment that brought you to choosing [your spouse] as a life partner. Think of the moments you both proved your love for each other. Think of the promises you made with God on the altar to stay together at all times. This moment will also pass away. Keep calm, pray, and ask for the grace to forgive and forget. Stand for your love at any cost. Be patient in prayer. - Matt, @matt.nrktl

Do as much planning as you think is necessary, but leave room for God’s plans, too. Allow him to lead your day! Try not to get overwhelmed by the little things because at the end of the day, it’s the sacrament that will hold the highest value. The details just make it all pretty! - Erika, @stellaofthesea

Soak up a bit of alone time with just your new husband throughout the day! We skipped the limo or group ride from the church to reception and opted to make the drive just the two of us--a very beautiful memory! - Janet, @rn2sahm

Stop and breathe. Take a look at everything and take it in. - Spring, @skinnybamboo

What would you add to this list? Share your advice in the comments and on our social media!

Ashley + Ashbee | West Virginia University Wedding

After meeting through family connections, Ashley and Ashbee "clicked right away", but were living in different states at the time, "so I didn't really know how it would work out," remembers Ashley. "But, to my huge surprise, a few days after I got back to WV, I got a call from Ashbee asking if I would like to go on a date next time I came back down to North Carolina." After a year of long-distance dating, Ashbee moved to West Virginia, where Ashley was living, and several years later, on their ten-year dating anniversary, asked Ashley to be his bride. Although Ashbee was raised Methodist, he and Ashley are going to raise their children Catholic and chose to have a Catholic wedding, and were able to plan it so that their non-Catholic guests felt welcome. 

From the Bride: Because Ashbee and his family and other guests are not Catholic, we decided not to have a full Mass, but instead to celebrate the Liturgy of the Word and the Rite of Marriage. We formatted our program in a way to let everyone know when to sit, stand, or kneel and how to respond to the readings and prayers.

The Scripture readings were especially important to us, and we chose Genesis 2 as our first reading, because it shows that man and woman are created to enter into a partnership with one another in marriage. For our second reading, we chose 1 Corinthians 13, St. Paul's famous "Hymn to Love." We liked this reading because it talks about how love is a great gift from God and it is true, self-giving love that makes a relationship last. We also chose this reading because one of my favorite Christian singers, John Angotti, led the music for our wedding, and he has a song called "Our God is Love." In this song, he specifically sings about how love is patient and love is kind. We thought it all tied together perfectly!

For the reception, we had a cookie table (which most people consider a Pittsburgh tradition, but has been my West Virginia family's tradition for years), and each cookie was made by a family member in support of our marriage. It was so nice to know my family wanted to help make our day special and that they took the time, energy, and money, to make over 4,000 cookies to share with our guests. 

Ashbee also drew a "logo" for our new family including our names, our wedding date, and a little symbol of each of our hobbies. I loved it so much that we decided to make it into a stamp, which we used on all of the welcome bags and the cookie bags our guests took home with them.

The bride's spiritual take-away from her wedding: For our Gospel reading, we chose the Beatitudes. This reading was the most important to us. We hope to build our family on the foundation of what Jesus teaches us about how to be his disciples: to be humble, sensitive to the needs of others, merciful to those who wrong us, and pure of heart. Through our choice of this Gospel reading, we hoped to share with our guests how we want to live in our marriage, but also to remind them what is important in life and how Jesus calls us to live.

Photography: Claire Watson Photography | Church: St. John's Catholic Church, Morgantown, WV | Reception: Holiday Inn, Mor, gantown, WV, Atria's Catering | Wedding Coordinator: Jaclyn Pheasant, Dream Creations Event Planning | Cake: Bonnie Belle's | Music: DJ Dave Event Services | Flowers: Rooted by Design (Raiko Jack) | Bride's Dress: Coni and Franc | Mother of the Bride & Bridesmaids Dresses: Coni and Franc | Tux: Jos. A. Bank | Makeup: KJS Cosmetology | Hair: Allison Clayton and her associates | Jewelry: J Crew | Ring: Ira Helfer from David I. Helfer Jeweler in Pittsburgh | Videography: Brad and Aimee of McMillen Photography

An Introduction to the Annulment Process

REV. FR. TIMOTHY NAPLES

To our brides discerning the vocation of marriage for not the first, but second time, we see you and are here for you. Divorce and separation are wrenching for all involved, and the road to annulment might seem like an unlit path through the dark. We hope this resource, written from a lovingly pastoral viewpoint, helps illuminate the first steps in this process and plants the seeds of self-examination and healing. Jesus, Divine Physician, be with us.

Are you planning a Catholic wedding for a second marriage?

You want to get married, but you have been married previously. You know that the Catholic Church will consider you bound to your first marriage until an annulment is granted. Beside the doctrinal foundations of the Catholic faith that are relevant to any possible second marriages, there are also a million “what if?”s that have a practical impact on each person’s situation after being civilly divorced from a previous marriage.

This guide will only answer a small handful of these “what ifs." I hope it will also provide some primary considerations, offered in a spirit of charity and understanding in difficult circumstances, as a great starting point to answer questions for your own situation as you move forward.

First consideration: your parish priest

A parish priest is likely to be a key source of information and answers about all the elements involved in this process. Your local parish priest is going to be your first contact for the official annulment process, and likely the one who submits your official petition for annulment to the tribunal office of your Diocese. Perhaps you have a good personal connection with a priest in another parish; you might do well to speak with him about an annulment. Perhaps your own parish priest will direct you to work with another priest in your Diocese. Regardless, a parish office, working with a local parish priest, is likely the only place to get the official application for an annulment. You typically cannot send an application for annulment to your Diocese without the signature of the priest who arranged your application.

Second consideration: your history with your former spouse

The annulment process will ask about the whole history of your marriage. The Church needs to know this history, and not just the immediate circumstances of the divorce. While you will need to provide all the documented information about your prior marriage, and also the civil decree of divorce, much more information will be needed. The Church requires the whole story of the previous marriage in various written formats. It is rather standard that an autobiographical narrative is written out, from the time of your first meeting with your former spouse, through engagement and marriage, and into the subsequent married life, up until your civil divorce.

It can be like writing out a five-page confession. It can take a while to re-visit and re-process it all. It can be difficult. But this is essential according to the Church’s doctrine on what an annulment is. It is not “Catholic Divorce,” but the Church’s judgment as to whether a key element of the sacrament of matrimony was missing at the time of the marriage, and therefore whether the wedding, presumed-to-be-sacramental, should only be held as binding in its mere civil effects. The civil effects of marriage can, and do, end in divorce decrees. But the sacrament cannot end, except by the death of one of the spouses.

Third consideration: children

The third consideration is an extension of the civil effects. Here let us first clear up a misconception: the Church does not designate  children from previous marriages “illegitimate” if the previous marriage gets annulled.

Say an annulment is granted. Some combination of factors and choices, along with the lack of the sacramental grace, led parents to divorce civilly. The Church has no need--or desire--to bring any retribution upon any of the children. The previous marriage was judged to be binding civilly, but not sacramentally. Therefore, the laws of the Church affirm that the societal status of children is still entirely legitimate, and that the children of the family should not lose any of their proper status and dignity in society.

This would be true even if the Church still used the designation of “illegitimate” in any circumstances. But, again, the term has been removed from church law. For the practical consideration, it is obviously of great concern to the Church that children still be given a healthy upbringing in faith and morals, and we hope that after the tragedy of divorce, both parents would remain supportive of nurturing the Christian faith in their children. Such unity of religious practice does not always happen when former spouses arrange their relations with children from the previous marriage. We pray for these difficulties encountered by co-parenting Catholics, but we also affirm that there should be no concern about this when applying for an annulment.

Fourth consideration: witnesses

It is very important for the Church to be objective about the intentions and dispositions of the former spouses at the time of their wedding. Such detailed insistence is not for the purpose of dwelling on personal fault or blame. We assume that whatever personal faults or insufficiencies were a factor in undermining the first marriage “from the get-go” are already the source of sufficient guilt and sorrow for the divorcees. While the Church would like to facilitate healing and growth in a renewed life of virtue after divorce, it also needs to have testimony, objectively, that there was something wrong or something lacking in the first marriage.

To do this the Church insists that witnesses to the relationship, those who knew you and/or your former spouse before and after your wedding, provide statements. These can be compared to, and added to, the testimonies of the former spouses. Be prepared to provide the contact information for family members or friends who knew you and your spouse, especially during your courtship and engagement. Here it often comes up that one former spouse is no longer in  contact with the other. Know that an attempt truly must be made to inform him or her that the marriage is under consideration for annulment. However, know also that if there are serious reasons to avoid any direct contact, your Diocese could proceed with the annulment without providing to your former spouse your current address and phone number.

Fifth consideration: finances

It used to be widely believed  that a significant amount of money was needed to be paid in fees in order for a Diocese to process an annulment petition: hundreds, if not over a thousand, dollars. While a full annulment process can require extensive time, most Diocesan fees were probably never that exorbitant. You may inquire of your parish priest if there is a fee.

The annulment process is more and more considered an essential area of pastoral service, meriting funding by other means. It so happens that my own Diocese is one of many (though not all) that have eliminated any and all fees for the annulment process. If any fees are  financially unreasonable to handle, speak with a Catholic Charities office in your state and see if they have any grant programs or assistance in cases where a fee for annulment applications is a true financial hardship. If your Diocese has already removed all fees for annulment applications, then in gratitude consider donating a bit, within your means, to their Catholic Charities programs, to the diocesan annual fund, or to your local parish. It might help someone in a similar situation.

Sixth consideration: the peace of Christ

The last consideration is the big picture. Applying for an annulment is not an absolute guarantee that your future hopes for a second marriage will work out. Here we move forward in faith, knowing that the Catholic Church is a “big picture” kind of Church. Because by “big picture” we mean eternal life, the forgiveness of eternal debts, and the remitting of eternal punishments in the grace of Christ our Lord and personal Savior.

All our considerations of marriage should keep their connection with Good Friday and Easter Sunday. It is a very good sign, that despite all the discomfort of divorce and annulments, a person desires to keep their contact with the Church. Jesus Christ is the only lasting source of peace. In light of eternity, even life-defining events such as marriages and careers are still short term considerations.

We take great consolation in the fact that Christ wants to be with us in all our short-term considerations. If we are meant to “get through them,” he wants to guide us through them. If we are meant to “live” in marriage and family, or in any other vocation in life, he wants to be the life in the middle of it.

Images by Horn Photography & Design

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About the Author: Fr. Naples is a cradle Catholic from upstate New York. He worked for the Diocese of Burlington, Vermont, in the summer of 2003 and was accepted to seminary for the diocese that fall. He completed six years of study at Mount St. Mary’s Seminary in Emmitsburg, Maryland, and was ordained a priest in 2009. He began giving scripture centered marriage instructions for the Diocese of Burlington in his first year as a priest, and remains involved in marriage preparation as a pastor.

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Editors Share | The Rituals that Make Up Our Marriages

It’s a gift to be invited into your story and vocation. In gratitude, we love to share ours with you, as well.

If major life events--your wedding, honeymoon, the births of children--are the framed, album-worthy milestones of a shared life, small daily routines are more akin to your phone’s camera roll. But who doesn’t love scrolling back through those memories? Rituals elevate the routine to something memorable. “Whether they’re big or small, simple or elaborate, daily or yearly,” writes Jenny Rosenstrach, “all our rituals serve the same purpose: They bring comfort, connection, and meaning to our days.”

Today, we’re sharing the rituals that deepen our relationships and create a sense of warmth and tradition in our marriages.

Photography: Wyn Wiley, seen in How He Asked | Emily + Jeff

Stephanie, Co-Founder & Editor in Chief

The Rosary in the car: When my husband and I first started dating, we spent hours wandering aimlessly around our college campus, hand in hand, and would often find time to pray the Rosary as we walked. Years later, with three children four and under, our time for uninterrupted walks is limited, but we do still love to pray together to Our Lady, usually on long car rides home from visiting family. I hope the memory of falling asleep past their bedtimes, listening to their parents pray, is a memory our kids will hold on to.

Sriracha noodles: For a quick meal after our kids are in bed, for an indulgent Sunday lunch (butter, pasta, no vegetables), or for pure comfort, this recipe is our go-to a few times a month.

Crosswords: There are few things I find more relaxing than the feel of my husband’s hand on my shoulder as we hunch over the Sunday crossword at the kitchen table. We love puzzles, particularly crosswords, and you might be surprised how after just a few weeks, you’ll start to pick up on the structure of the clues and be able to fill in most of the answers!

Andi, Business Director

Netflix: My husband Matt and I love to watch movies and binge watch TV shows together. Half of the time we’re just talking about our day and random thoughts that come up, but it’s so nice to just snuggle up on the couch and watch something together. Current favorites include stand up comedy specials, Victoria, This Is Us, and The Crown.

Good ice cream: Whenever we travel somewhere, we like to find local ice cream spots to treat our kids at. Our favorite so far is McConnell’s in Santa Barbara--I was pleasantly surprised by their Lemon Marionberry during our last trip. I’ve been known to grab some Creamistry or Talenti Gelato for us, once the kids are in bed as a late-night treat.

Nighttime prayer: Every night we tuck the kids in their beds and Matt leads us in prayer. Many nights it’s the Rosary or Divine Mercy Chaplet, or the little litany of prayers that have slowly become our family favorites: the Guardian Angel Prayer, Hail Mary, thanking God for his blessings today, and naming all our family saints and asking for their intercession.

Christmas and Easter waffles: Every Christmas and Easter morn after Mass, we bust out our waffle maker and Matt makes waffles from his late grandfather’s recipe. When Matt was growing up, his family always went to Grandma and Grandpa’s after Sunday Mass for waffles, bacon extended family time. I hope it brings our kids happy memories of delicious breakfasts with us, even if it’s only twice a year.

Jiza, Co-Founder & Creative Director

British TV: At the end of the day after the children have gone to bed, my husband Mark and I like to decompress from the day by watching British television series. Everything from Downton Abbey, Poldark, Victoria...we have seen them all.

A brisk walk for heavy conversations: Sometimes talking about big life decisions and/or tough situations can be hard. So, taking a brisk walk or jog helps us to at least alleviate any physical tension and stress which makes for a more productive conversation. It helps us to clear our heads, get some exercise in, and sometimes a Rosary.

Taco Tuesdays: What can I say? We love everything about tacos. It is one of our favorite meals. It helps us during the week to have one dinner that doesn’t require too much planning.

Pilgrimages: Since we move often for my husband’s career, I always look for Catholic shrines or historic churches to visit during our travels.
 

Katherine + Ian | Statement Florals DIY Wedding

The hand of God’s providence can reach even as far as your computer screen. Ian was a recent graduate of Thomas Aquinas College, finishing up a second Bachelor’s degree in Diesel Mechanics at a school in Montana. Disheartened from few dates in such a remote location, he signed up for CatholicMatch.  

Around the same time, Katherine had tentatively joined CatholicMatch after constant prodding from a good friend--only with a free trial account, as she felt certain it wasn’t something to be taken seriously.

Fast forward to a few messages from Ian that left Katherine feeling bad about her initial lack of interest; she worried about being perceived as rude. After watching her agonize over it, the same friend who encouraged Katherine to sign up for CatholicMatch took it upon herself to send Ian Katherine’s phone number. A few days later, she got a text from him, and they haven’t stopped since.  

From the Bride: We talked about our faith, about our families, about our friends; literally everything. We wrote so many letters. Finally, just after my sister’s wedding Ian came to visit and meet my family. I told him I wouldn’t consider us to be dating until we’d met in person, and had my parents’ approval. Many prayers, anxious jitters, and pages of text messages later, my family approved and we were official. After, that Ian and I took turns visiting each other every few months.

We prayed about our vocations constantly, and we tried to use our long distance as fruitfully as possible to serve each other well in the discernment process.

When it came time for Ian to pop the question, I wasn’t a bit surprised. He’d been telling me for months that he’d never been so sure of anything in his life. He was certain our prayers were answered that we were meant to be. Ian was so excited to propose and can’t keep a secret to save his life-- so much so that he informed me when the ring was purchased, and when it was supposed to arrive! He came to visit me that weekend, and after pretending nothing was up for about 30 agonizing minutes, he got down on one knee and held out the ring without a word. His expression said everything.

For someone who is incredibly shy, I wasn’t nervous at all on the day of my wedding. I spent the morning getting ready with my mom, bridesmaids and close girlfriends who were in town for the wedding. I did my mom’s and two of my bridesmaids’ before I had even finished my own and almost walked out the door with hot rollers still in my hair! I was just so happy for the big day to have finally arrived, and there were so many details I was looking forward to sharing with the people I love so dearly.

We got married at St. George, the same parish where I had been baptized, had my first Reconciliation, and received my First Holy Communion. It felt like hours as I waited for the bridal processional to start, and all the nerves I thought I had left behind came surging back. I just wanted to get down the aisle and hold my best friend’s hand.

I knew my dad would be holding back tears as he walked me down the aisle, and the thought of it was making me choke up. I was so nervous to get started that I got mixed up and we went before our cue! As soon as I got to the altar and was with Ian, all of my nerves melted away. All that mattered then was that we were here, in front of God to enter into this holy sacrament of matrimony.  

My favorite part of our wedding Mass was during our vows. I thought for sure I wouldn’t be able to look Ian in the eye and get through all of it without crying, but somehow I made it. To my surprise, I could tell Ian was starting to tear up. He was saved by an amusing difficulty with the rings. Our ring bearer was Ian’s brother Anton, who has Down’s Syndrome. We wanted him to actually carry the rings, so my bridesmaids tied them very simply and made sure to show the Best Man how easy they’d be to untie. But when the time came, he struggled to get the rings free. Even with Father’s assistance, it took a few minutes to figure everything out, which gave Ian just the right amount of time to compose himself.

Then, as if to seal the deal and help Ian avoid pausing for tears, our priest dropped one of the rings as he blessed them. The ping as it bounced around on the floor had me shaking and trying not to laugh. It just seemed so perfect; such a reminder that even though this life and this vocation we had chosen was serious business, it would also be filled with laughter.  

We wanted our wedding to be three things: beautiful, budget friendly, and DIY. From the invitations I designed, printed and arranged with my sister’s help of my sister (I even hand-painted the decorative elements on each RSVP card) to the décor and all of the flowers, we did everything ourselves.

I’m a big planner. After doing lots of research, I found that for the size of wedding we’d have, it would actually be much more affordable to buy linens instead of rent them. The centerpieces and bouquets were made up of silk floral stems I had found on sale at the end of the summer and evergreen branches we gathered from tree lots. Using lighted garland, sprinkled with beautiful faux peonies, hydrangeas, ranunculus, and more for the head table made such a statement as our guests entered the reception. We made things elegant and clean-up friendly by using wine glasses as favors. We even incorporated a little family history into our décor: using a low table and a evergreen tree we’d decorated, we created a corner featuring photos of our parents’, grandparents’, and great grandparents’ wedding days.

Our wedding was catered entirely by my mom. She is an avid baker as well as a cook, so she was excited to make the our giant spice cake. Since cooking and baking is a labor of love for her, she was so happy to be able to gift her hard work to Ian and I on our wedding day. With her team of friends and her grown children, she made the best food I’ve ever had at a wedding.

When the time came to save the top layer of our wedding cake, we learned that traditionally the top of the cake was saved to be pulled out again at the baptism of the couple’s first child! As it happened, Ian and I welcomed a baby girl the September after we were married. She was baptized four days after our anniversary, so we did eat the frozen cake-top for our anniversary and our daughter’s baptism!

From beginning to end, our wedding was a family affair. It was overwhelming in the best way to be surrounded with loved ones there to support us, first in our marriage, and then in celebration afterward. It was a powerful reminder of how we are to live in communion in the Church.

People were pitching in using their special gifts and talents everywhere you turned; from my mother’s delicious food and  beautiful cake, my in-laws’ voices, which assisted in our prayers at the Mass, my two uncles’ filling the roles of DJ and MC, and my very-extroverted younger brother’s perfect fit as the bartender. It was the best wedding day I could’ve ever imagined, and I was so proud of how it turned out.

From the early planning stages we wanted our wedding to be a gift of ourselves to our families and loved ones, and not just a great party.

We wanted to put in the work and to be frugal where we could and splurge where we ought. This outlook seemed like a great challenge that would prepare us for married life.

I never thought preparing for such a big change in my life would be such a peaceful experience. Ours was exciting and relatively stress-free from start to finish, thanks to lots of prayer and reminders of what is truly important. Even the things that went “wrong” or didn’t go as planned didn’t matter because at the end of the day, we would be married.
 

Photography: George Street Photo & Video | Church: St. George Catholic Church, Affton Missouri | Celebrant: Rev. John C. Deken, uncle of the bride | Wedding Reception Venue: St. George Hall | Engagement Ring: Gemara | Wedding Bands: Kay Jewelers | Silk Flowers: Michaels | Invitations / Stationary: DIY, designed by the bride and her sister; handmade watercolor and acrylic art half-printed and half painted by the bride. Printed on Watercolor paper with green foil details. Supplies from Michaels. | Linens: Smarty Had a Party | Bride’s Dress: David's Bridal | Bride’s Veil: DIY; lace from Hancock Fabrics | Bride’s Shoes: BCBGeneration Niro Pump | Jewelry/Accessories: DIY; supplies from Michaels & JoAnn Fabric | Bridesmaids' Attire: Union Station | Groom’s Suit: Savvi Formalwear | Groomsmen’s Attire: Savvi Formalwear | Cake: Mother of the bride | Hair & Makeup: Bride and bridesmaids | Music: Ryan Murphy & siblings of the bride and groom | Bar: Andre's Champagne, Schlafly

4 Scripts for Explaining Catholic Wedding Traditions to Friends + Family

An audio version of this post was featured on our podcast on 11/10/2020.

As you plan your Catholic wedding, you might find friends and family inquiring about the reasons underlying particular marriage traditions in the Church. We’ve been there, and want to be here for you. Often, the default response might be to answer in a defensive way--we defend that which we fiercely love--as we assume anyone asking a question is asking from a place of skepticism or judgment.

While that might be true in some cases, you might find yourself surprised by how many individuals simply have a spirit of curiosity about the Catholic faith and its rituals. Modeling your love after the crucifixion, holding an hour-plus ceremony, and including formal prayer in your wedding are, in many ways, countercultural. To those whom Catholic weddings are unfamiliar, the spirit of inquiry is often genuine. Their questions provide a unique opportunity: to explain these matters with charity, candor, and with an invitation to know more and let the goodness, beauty, and natural reason of the Church speak for itself.

Below, four common questions regarding Catholic wedding liturgies, and how you might answer. We hope you find these points help you articulate why you’ve chosen to marry in the Church, what sets it apart, and most importantly, that they provide the seeds of truly fruitful conversation.

Or perhaps the spirit of curiosity is where you, yourself, are. Questions about the Catholic faith are good; an opening of a new door, not a closing off to inquiry, and an opportunity to learn and contemplate. We hope the questions and answers below offer you the start of greater understanding and critical thought.

Photography: Cynthia Shipp, seen in Fatima + Jon's Tuscan-inspired wedding

Why do you have to get married in an actual church?

It’s not that a a beautiful garden, hotel, or oceanfront venue is an unromantic or insignificant place to profess your lifelong commitment to each other. When Catholics say marriage is a sacrament of the Church, they’re saying they believe earthly things--in this case, the vows spoken by the bride and groom--can literally be transformed by God into something different than what they once were. Once the marriage is consummated, the words spoken at the altar are transformed into a permanent bond breakable only by death.

Because of that belief in sacramental realities, which take place in God’s presence, it makes sense that the sacrament needs to actually take place in his presence. Where is the Lord really, truly present? It’s true that he is all around us in the created world and that prayer can happen anywhere. Yet for Catholics, who believe bread and wine become Christ’s body and blood in the Eucharist, he is there in a real, metaphysical way in the tabernacle of every church--there resides the Eucharist and there, we believe, resides the living Jesus. It’s amazing to consider that he is there in such a tangible way from the first moments of a bride and groom’s life together.

Speaking of vows, why can’t you write your own?

Every sacrament of the Church has a specific rite that must be followed in order for the sacrament to be valid. If a priest doesn't follow the prescribed language of consecration, for instance, the Eucharist for that Mass is invalid. Getting married is the same: in order for the sacrament to take place; that is, for the couple's bond to literally be transformed and suffused with grace, the bride and groom need to speak the language of the Rite of Marriage. It's more than just inputting certain words and getting out a certain result. It's allowing yourselves and your love to take on something entirely, sacramentally new and humbly inviting God into your life together, knowing it takes three, not two, to live out your promises.

But it’s understandable that a couple might want to express their hopes for how they’ll love and serve each other in marriage in their own words. Those who wish to do that can write down these hopes and intentions in letters to each other or can talk together about them.

What about Mary? Why is a part of the Mass dedicated to her?

When you really want something, it can be helpful to have another person helping you get it. Job referrals and references, personal trainers, and therapists fall into this category.

When Catholics pray for something, they believe the saints--men and women from throughout history who were heroically faithful, in ways large and small--can provide the gift of intercession, which means joining in our prayers and offering them to God alongside us. We hold Mary, the mother of Jesus, in the highest regard among the saints for her making her entire life an unreserved yes to God’s will. In praying to her, therefore she brings us to the Lord. We, and our prayers, grow closer to Jesus, through Mary.

That’s not to say every prayer of a person’s heart is answered in exactly the way and time they hope, simply because they prayed for Mary’s intercession, but that her prayers for us, her children, are a great gift. When husband and wife kneel before her during their wedding Mass, they bring their lives to her, asking her to pray for them like any other mother might pray for her children, and to strengthen them in love.

Who’s walking you down the aisle? If not your dad, why?

Although a priest celebrates a couple’s wedding Mass, marriage is actually the only sacrament of the Church wherein the bride and groom, not a priest, actually administer the sacrament. The minister of the sacrament typically processes into the church last, so for couples who choose to acknowledge this, they walk into the church together. For those who do a first look, or who choose to meet for the first time before the procession, it can beautifully signify the bride and groom’s shared role in the sacrament and promises they’re about to enter into.

Couples are also free to choose the tradition of walking in with both parents, or for the bride to process in with her father, which in no way diminishes the couple’s role in the sacrament or their equality as people.

If these outlines for your conversations are helpful, we’d love to know! Share with us, in the comments and on our social media, any other areas of Catholic weddings and marriage for which you’d welcome talking points.

Read more apologetics-related matters:

Explaining the Eucharist to your guests | Talking with friends about cohabitation, Part I | Part II | Navigating the revised Rite of Marriage

Embracing the Easter Season, Even Through Struggle

STEPHANIE CALIS

I inhaled the richness of lilies and incense. A riot of color bloomed along the altar. Familiar words washed over me: prayers over humble bread and wine, taking me out of time. To my right, the image of Jesus beckoned, rays shining forth from his heart. Blood and water; the stuff of true life. As I bowed my head, tears came.

Because I wasn’t feeling much of anything. A little anxiety. But mostly nothing.

Photography: An Endless Pursuit, seen in Robyn + Greg's Easter season wedding on Divine Mercy weekend

Matt Maher’s “Christ is Risen” echoed through my thoughts on Divine Mercy Sunday: O death, where is your sting? O hell, where is your victory?

Right here, I thought. That’s where they are. I still felt that sting of death, and felt it strongly. Now halfway through this Easter season of tremendous glory and promise, I find myself, this year, lacking in joy and doubting the Father’s promises of the Resurrection. Specifically, a fear of death and a preference for this earthly life over the next have pervaded my heart for months.

Though our life is far from perfect--everyday busyness, sleepless nights with toddlers, chores we can never quite keep up with--I count myself abundantly blessed by my husband and our beautiful children, and by our relative lack of major hardship at the moment. It’s a life so precious  I’m scared to let go of it and be separated by death.

When I pray to be made holy, to reach my heavenly home, the back of my mind hastily and shamefully adds, but please not yet, Father.

Where, then, does someone who desires eternal life, but not yet--I desire it selfishly, on my own terms--find consolation in the Resurrection? In my current state, the thought of eternity cuts me to the core. It brings me not hope, but worry that all I hold close on earth will be lost to me in heaven. I wonder what I’ll miss out on, and more significantly, who I will miss out on.

Of course I’m aware, intellectually, that my soul’s fulfillment will be found in the presence of God. Theoretically, I will want for nothing at the heavenly wedding feast. But theory can be hard to wrap your head around when your heart’s so agitated. Surrendering such gifts to the Lord, trusting that they are impermanent and not mine to determine, feels...reckless. An abandonment I seek, but don’t yet feel strong enough for.

As I make my way through this spiritual storm--one in which, in spite of myself, I remain confident will end in a heart more united with Christ’s--I’ve realized the shortcomings of my thinking. I say that my circumstances, while fortunate, are imperfect. In the realest sense of the word, they’re unfinished. And that’s the point.

The Lord isn’t done working on my heart yet. He’s not done with yours, either.

If your Easter season has felt similar to mine, whether because of the stresses of engagement, a recent loss, tensions in your relationship, a literal lack of new life as it relates to your fertility, or otherwise, know I am there beside you. I’m trying daily to embrace this tension, rather than push it aside, to silence it, and miss an opportunity to be loved by the Father in this particular way. 

Just this past Sunday, I felt myself coming back to life, no small matter in these weeks centered on triumph over death. It struck me that in this year’s reading cycle, we hear Jesus’s same words on consecutive Sundays: Peace be with you.

He speaks to us first as he revisits his disciples for the first time, allowing Thomas, in Thomas’s doubt, to feel his wounds, and again after the walk to Emmaus.

We are invited to experience Christ in the flesh; incarnate. We are invited to reject fear--John describes the disciples’ fear as they hid, locked in a room, after the Resurrection and Luke recounts their terror and uncertainty at meeting the risen Jesus--and walk headlong into the ocean of peace and mercy he wishes so fiercely to surround us with.

I listened again to the Eucharistic prayers and prepared for my own encounter with Jesus’s body and blood. The altar, the surroundings, the Divine Mercy image were all the same as before. But this time I was a little different. Not yet fully delivered of my worry and my desire to cling to the things and people of this life, but on the way. My own road to Emmaus where, at the end, Christ will meet me in a breaking of bread. Self-gift and recognition.

Sorrow, even at Easter time, is alright. Give yourself permission to feel your aches fully, knowing feelings, though human and important, aren’t everything. Whether we feel it or we don't, the fact remains that we are daughters and sons of a reckless, undying love.

No matter what’s in your heart, particularly in light of your wedding and marriage, thank the Father for bringing you close to his heart. Cry out to him. The Cross signifies both agony and ecstasy. It’s so hard when all we can feel is the former, but it's not the end of the road. In whatever ways you are called to rise, you have my prayers.

Peace be with you.

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About the Author: Stephanie Calis is Spoken Bride's Editor in Chief and Co-Founder. She is the author of INVITED: The Ultimate Catholic Wedding Planner (Pauline, 2016). Read more

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Kelsey + Jacob | Missouri Summer Wedding

Kelsey and Jacob first met at a summer camp when they were 18. They became fast, close friends, but that remained the extent of their relationship for the next eight years. They went their separate ways, living in different states and cordially keeping in touch now and then. Until the Fall that everything changed.

In 2015, Jacob and Kelsey both found themselves back in their Missouri hometown over the holidays and reconnected. When Kelsey returned to her current home in Alabama, a three-page handwritten letter awaited her.

From the Bride: It was the most courageous and beautiful letter I’d ever received. It was from Jacob, basically asking if we could put the stuff in our past behind us, and saying he would like to fly to Birmingham, from Texas, and take me on a date.

I was shocked and still very hesitant, but with my sisters’ encouragement I said yes. We started talking every day on the phone and even before Jacob came to visit, I could tell something was different. We were both very confident from the beginning that this was the ‘thing’ people talk about when they are falling in love.

We dated long-distance--800 miles--for our whole courtship and engagement. On a September weekend in Birmingham, Jacob and I to St. Paul’s Cathedral for Sunday Mass. At the end of the liturgy he leaned over and asked if we could stay behind to pray. After ten minutes that felt like forever, he asked me if I was ready. I said ‘Yes.’ He said, ‘Are you sure?’

Instead of exiting the church, Jacob took me to the altar, got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. I thought the day couldn’t get any better. Then I walked out the doors. As he opened them, our family, friends, and loved ones from so many different states were standing out there, waiting for us. It was one of the most incredible gestures anyone had ever done for me: to bring all the people I love into one place. The long-distance wedding planning began from there, and I believe that the distance only strengthened us in preparing to enter into the holy sacrament of marriage.

One of our favorite parts of engagement was our mandatory preparation. Given our long-distance status, weekly meetings with a teaching couple weren’t really an option for us. We received permission to attend a one-day marriage preparation retreat in a diocese of our choice. The most convenient place for us meet ended up being Little Rock, Arkansas. A priest there and gave some of the best advice we’ve ever been given, and it truly has become a cornerstone for our marriage, and we pray it continues: he challenged us to individually sit down and write a prayer to God about our future spouse and our hopes for our marriage. He said after a few days of prayer, come together, combine the two, and write your marriage prayer.

We were encouraged to start praying it every night and to continue it as a nightly habit in our marriage. So, that’s what we did. And it was so enriching for us both. It was so nice having a uniting prayer that we could pray over FaceTime each night while we were engaged, and by the time we were married it became part of our nightly routine. Our prayer helps us keep a clear perspective on what our goals for each other and our marriage are, with God’s help.

One of the most meaningful parts of our Mass was after Communion. The hymn, “Ave Maria,” began to play, and Jacob and I took a lily to St. Joseph’s statue and a rose to the statue of the Blessed Mother. These two, along with the child Jesus as the Holy Family, have played a huge role in our lives and bringing us together as a couple. As we placed the lily at Saint Joseph’s feet, Jacob and I prayed our marriage prayer. We then went to the foot of Our Lady, placed the rose, said a Hail Mary, entrusted our marriage to her, and said an individual prayer of thanksgiving to the Holy Family.

Our priest paused afterward, before the final blessing. He said to the congregation that during the meditation hymn, something happened that he’d rarely seen before. He then turned back to us and said, “Correct me if I’m wrong, but it sounded like you were both praying the same prayer out loud. I have never heard this prayer before.”

We responded that yes, we were praying our marriage prayer. He asked, “Can we hear it?” It was absolutely unplanned, but now looking back it’s one of our favorite memories of our wedding day. The priest took his mic and placed it between us. We prayed the prayer out loud for all our guests to hear before the final blessing. To this day we have so many guests from our wedding come up to us, or tell our parents that they were so moved by the prayer and the idea of having a specific prayer with your spouse.

Before the wedding my mother-in-law offered to make us holy cards with our marriage prayer. On the front she printed a picture of the Holy Family, and on the back our names, date of the wedding, and our prayer. It was such a great way to commemorate our wedding, and we loved handing the cards out with the programs. Many people have asked for a copy, and this made it so convenient to have the holy cards to give them.

Heavenly Father,

Thank you for showing us the love we have for each other and the love you have for both of us. We ask that every day you remind us of the blessing we are to one another, and that every action of our marriage is a sincere gift back to you.

We pray our children will be healthy, that we may always show them our truest love, and that they may become pillars of your love. Always encourage us to see the best in each other; to laugh, cry, and lean on the other through all of life’s challenges. Empower us to be beacons of light for others and to help each other become saints. We ask this through the intercession of the Holy Family.

Amen.

For both of us, sharing our marriage prayer was probably one of our favorite and most cherished moments, but there were many other special times throughout the day. Jacob and I both wrote letters to each other before the ceremony, and I will cherish his words forever. My middle sister had just gotten married a month before, so it was a summer packed full of celebration for our family. The thing that made it so special, though, was I got to stand by her side and be a co-maid of honor, with my youngest sister, and she got to stand by my side and be my co-matron of honor.

Another special part of our ceremony was that two of my former students and a seminarian drove all the way from Alabama to serve at our Missouri wedding. I taught high school theology and was the Campus Minister for a high school in Birmingham for two years, and it meant so much seeing my students participating in our wedding Mass.

After the ceremony, the wedding party took a bus to a local ice cream shoppe, Andy’s Frozen Custard, which was such a fun addition to the day. Finally, the individual touch to top it off was my mother-in-law surprising Jacob during their dance together. Growing up, she always used to read him the story Love You Forever by Robert Munsch, and she would sing the song to him at the end of the book. Without Jacob knowing, she had a special recording of her singing the song made, and before their mother-son dance, her version of ‘Love You Forever’ came on over the sound system. It was a really special moment. Our wedding day was one of the best of our lives, but it was just the beginning. We are so thankful for the memories and for all who made it such a special beginning to our vocation.

Aside from getting to join my life with Jacob's, I think my biggest spiritual take-away from the day, was the feeling of, this must be a fraction of what Heaven feels like. And that fraction was amazing! Jacob and I have both separately moved around and lived away from our families for the past decade of our lives. We've met many people, and so many souls have impacted our lives greatly.

On our wedding day they were all there. They traveled thousands of miles. We even had a friend who lives in Austria come to celebrate this incredible sacrament with us. I still have trouble putting into words that feeling of looking around and seeing all the people who have loved, cared, and sacrificed for you throughout the years. It was a feeling of immense gratitude, joy, and longing for Heaven. I believe that is one of the greatest reasons people say they want their wedding day to last forever.

Videography: Claire Bira

Photography: ImageClairity | Nuptial Mass or Engagement Location: Guardian Angel Catholic Church in Oran, MO | Wedding Reception Venue : Knights of Columbus Hall in Jackson, MO | Rings: Buchroeders Jewelers | Bridesmaid Dresses: RenzRags Bridal on Etsy | Bride's Dress: Low's Bridal in Brinkley, AK

Newlywed Life | 5 Tips for Long Periods of Time Apart

JIZA ZITO

When we become engaged to be married, we all dream of the day we can finally be with our spouse everyday. We look forward to less frequent long goodbyes and to more time spent together. However, due to careers or other circumstances, we may find ourselves in the challenging position spending long periods of time apart.

Perhaps you and/or your spouse are completing a degree at a graduate or medical school, or working strenuous hours in a “badge” career such as firefighting, law enforcement, EMS or first responder. Or perhaps one or both of you are serving our country’s military, working shift work at a plant, or traveling out of town for days or weeks at a time. Whatever your situation, we hope you will find the following tips helpful.

Photography: Flytographer, Seen in How He Asked | Susanna and Brad

Find a support group.

Many careers that provide unique challenges for married couples and families often have a support network available. You can find more information through a liaison or by searching online for a local group. Having a support network with others in the same job field can provide a sense of camaraderie and friendship while giving you a place to ask questions and access to specific resources. As you gain knowledge and experience, you can, in turn, help and mentor other new spouses in the future.

Become involved in a Church community.

Finding accountability and prayerful support with others who share the same faith can be a great source of encouragement. Try checking your parish bulletin or website for a Bible study or prayer group. If your schedule permits and you feel a particular call to volunteer your time and talent, look for a ministry or outreach group in which you could serve.

Enjoy a newfound hobby.

Still looking for a way to occupy your time? Make a list of projects or hobbies you would like to enjoy and accomplish during your time apart. Maybe you have a project within your home you’d like to finish, or a gift you’d like to create. Perhaps you want to take a class and learn a new skill like dance or cooking, or join a social group like hiking or a book club. Search your city newspaper or recreation catalog for local classes or events. You can also try websites like meetup.com in order to find a nearby group for your particular interest. When you reunite with your spouse, you can share your newfound interest and try it out together.

Prioritize self-care.

Long periods apart can be stressful on a marriage. It often requires emotional and mental adjustment both during and immediately after the time of separation. It’s important and helpful to maintain good hygiene, sleep, and eating habits, and to set time aside for personal leisure and exercise. Yet these days and months can be lonely and trigger feelings of depression and anxiety. If you find yourself feeling particularly low, speak with a doctor, therapist, or pastor or inquire with your support network on healthy ways to manage.

Remain close to the sacraments.

Most importantly, stay close to Christ and frequent the sacraments. Remain focused on him, and he who is always faithful will grant you and your spouse the grace to not only get through times of separation, but to thrive and grow together as well. Despite whatever hardships you both might face, he will always "equip you with everything good for doing His will.”

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About the Author: Jiza Zito is Spoken Bride's Creative Director and Co-Founder. She is the owner and wedding photographer of Olive & Cypress. Read more

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Vendor Spotlight | Mili's Sweets

It’s no small matter that earthly nuptials are likened to the heavenly wedding feast. Like the Mass itself, so many aspects of a couple’s wedding day have a sensory element intended to remind us of the singular, sacred nature of the day: candlelight, your best dress, beautiful music, a delicious meal. Including cake! The bride and groom’s sharing of something indulgent and artfully presented conveys the elevated nature of the day and, if they choose to save a piece for their anniversary, invites remembrance in a tangible way.

Milissa “Mili” Takashima’s son had a severe peanut allergy. Where, in 2010--before the boom of now-ubiquitous allergy-friendly food service--could one find peanut and tree nut-free treats? With the support of friends and family, Mili's amateur love of baking became a professional pursuit in the form of a dessert catering business, and Mili’s Sweets was established.

A former vice president of marketing and public relations for an apparel company and a San Diego State University journalism graduate, Mili’s business savvy and gift for storytelling found their perfect outlet in the wedding industry--a field dedicated to helping couples express their love stories.

Her first year in business, Mili’s Sweets won a Best of San Diego award for its cupcakes, and her orders and client list grew. It’s her Catholic clients whom Mili bonds with in the deepest way, enjoying the opportunity to speak candidly about the beauty and goodness of marriage during their consultations. Some of her brides and grooms have stayed in touch long beyond their wedding days, referring Mili to family and friends and placing orders for baby showers and First Communions.

Starting from day one, all of Mili’s cakes, cupcakes, pastries, and other offerings to her native San Diego area have been peanut and tree-nut free, competitively priced, and crafted in small batches. Today, alongside traditional recipes, Mili offers gluten-free, dairy-free, and vegan selections. In addition to baked goods, Mili’s Sweets also provides custom styling and settings for dessert tables.

From Mili: When I consult with my clients, I let them share with me what they are looking for. I don't hold back on my own personal experiences and recommendations too. I don't judge the people I make desserts for--we are all loved and cherished. However, when my clients are Catholic, they tend to know that I am and they make that known in our conversation. When I do retain a wedding client, I hope they think to come to me for their baby shower, their friend's wedding, anniversary, and any of their family's special occasions in the years to come. I've been blessed to make desserts with people throughout their family journeys, and even on through parents and grandparents. Providing such a service to my community is an absolute treasure for me.

Over the years, my hands have made thousands of cupcakes, hundreds of cakes, and many assorted desserts. My most fulfilling work accomplishments have been fundraising for several organizations and charities via my sweets. I do some public fundraising work, as well as other donations at my home parish. One of my greatest joys is making and donating birthday cakes for my friends who are priests. I think of my son possibly becoming a priest one day, and that motherly love for them pours out. They deserve a handmade treat, especially when they give so much for us every day.

Any gifts I have are given by God, and I find fulfillment in using my time to share those gifts.

My favorite place to be is with my husband and our kids at the beach. Our family life is a total team effort, and my own parents have influenced where I am. I loved my dear dad, who recently lost his battle to cancer and was raised as a first-generation American with influence from my mom and her big Italian family. I share my mom’s love of faith, family, food and all things homemade. One day I hope write my parents’ life stories and a cookbook or two.

What I'm offering through my business was given to me as a gift, and I acknowledge that every time I finish a cake. I literally thank our Blessed Mother for helping me when I'm done.

Even after all the experience I have, I still get nervous, because I want everything to be as perfect as possible. The only thing that truly calms me is prayer while I work. I'll pray at least two Rosaries while decorating a cake.

If I know my customer, they will probably be my friend. With that, I try to think of them and their intentions while I work. It calms me and focuses my hand. Non-Catholics would think I was absolutely crazy, and that's all right! I guess it is a little crazy, but prayer works for me and I believe it shines through in my work, which I totally take personally and to heart.

Mili provided desserts and styled the tables in the following images, from Meaghann and Fawaz’s Catholic wedding. Her take on these vintage-inspired details:

Throughout my eight years of professional wedding dessert catering, this reception is one of my all-time favorites. I think it’s because I know and love the bride and groom and their families so dearly. Meghann and Fawaz have been happily married since day one, and their family has since grown to include two beautiful sons. This match is like a dream come true in the eyes of their parents and friends. Their first official date was going to Adoration! Their devoted Catholic parents, on both sides, were just gushing about how true and beautiful this sacred union is, and it’s all so easy to love since they hold a special place in my heart. The reception was truly special , filled with hand-crafted and vintage details.

I set three large dessert tables with plating and vintage linens and tea cups from my personal collection. The wedding cake stood at the center, surrounded by the bride’s vintage glass bottles. All of these pieces were filled with beautiful arrangements by Meghann and Fawaz's florist and friend, Danniel.

The cake was covered in vanilla buttercream and each cake layer was a different combination of cake to include fresh fruit flavors. I arranged flowers to cascade down the cake, along with real lace. My favorite part was the floral and gold cross design I made at the back, where Meghann and Fawaz would be standing for the cake-cutting ceremony.

I had the honor of working with my dear friend Anna of Anna’s Fruit Carvings, a true artist who makes the most gorgeous carved fruits and melons. Her hand-carved watermelon and cantaloupe were the centerpieces for the side table, and made the fresh fruit buffet absolutely stunning.

To the sides of the center cake table were my creme brûlée cupcakes, garnished with fresh raspberries. I styled the additional items, including fresh-cut fruits and family desserts.

Meghann’s mom collected all of the different tea cups and matching saucers and they made planters out of them for the succulent wedding favors. I think what I love about this entire reception is that vintage elements are relevant, classic, and timely all at once.

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Photography: Milissa Takashima and George Street Photography | Nuptial Mass or Engagement Location: St. Stephen Roman Catholic Church, Valley Center, California | Reception: Keys Creek Lavender Farm, Valley Center, California | Dessert table catering, setting, styling, + plating: Mili's Sweets | Fruit: Anna's Fruit Carvings, El Cajon, California | Florals: Danniel Cunningham (friend of the bride and groom) | Succulents: The Succulent Source, Valley Center, California

Alana + Stephen | California Air Force Wedding

Alana and Stephen met through a mutual friend during their college years in San Diego. They quickly fell in love, though with a major difference between them: Alana was a Non-Denominational Protestant, and Stephen was Catholic. The Lord was about to draw them into his heart.

From the Bride: Throughout our relationship, I prayed asking God what to do and--if Stephen was the one--how would our interfaith marriage work. I ended up finding a book written by a Catholic Priest, Robert J. Hater: When A Catholic Marries A Non-Catholic. It answered so many of my questions and I was even able to contact Fr. Hater! He became my spiritual counselor, and later that year I converted to Catholicism.

My faith has grown immensely since converting and having Stephen by my side to answer any questions and support me has only made our love for each other grow. We became engaged on December 23, 2016 and later found out Stephen's report date for pilot training moved up for the Air Force. We had a short engagement, yet God was looking out for us and provided us with a church and reception venue.

When we found an available church, we fell in love. Not only was it beautiful and in a great location, but we had a priest, Fr. Mark, who was a family friend of Stephen's. My mother-in-law is involved in Opus Dei and told us amazing things about Fr. Mark. We met with him once before the wedding and told him of my conversion story and more about our relationship. During our wedding liturgy, he gave an amazing homily that nodded to Stephen’s Air Force career, comparing flying to marriage.

For the readings, we wanted to include our family. Since I don't have grandparents, I asked Stephen's father's mother, and Stephen asked his mother's mother. It was such a lovely moment seeing both grandmothers holding hands up as they walked up to the altar. My only uncle and his family offered the gifts, and I loved including them even though they are not Catholic. Stephen's uncle, who had sung at each of Stephen’s sibling’s weddings, did the music.

We had decided early on that we would have a moment to thank the Virgin Mary during the Mass. I realized right before that I didn't have the flowers to offer her! Stephen, being the nice man he is, didn't want to go over there empty-handed. He squatted down and grabbed the large pot of flowers that were by the altar! Everyone got a little laugh out of that! He thankfully put them back down and we saw that the flowers were already there by Our Lady. I don't think anyone will ever forget that moment.

We wanted to start a tradition at our wedding. Stephen received a sword from his commissioning for being the top of his class, and we cut our cake with that sword. We hope to pass it down to our children.

It is also a family tradition that "Rain King" by the Counting Crows is played at weddings. I think you have to know all the words before becoming a part of Stephen’s family!

God always has a plan. When we started planning our wedding and Stephen’s report date changed, it really took us for a spin. But God provided for us with a church, venue, and priest. The day that I had to move out of my studio apartment was the day before our wedding--that's providence right there!

Early on, we struggled so much with being different faiths and spent so much time concentrating on the negatives. Little did I know that God brought us together to make us better Christians. Without Stephen, I would've never been exposed to Catholicism. I think for him, growing up Catholic was seen as a routine. Through my conversion, he was really brought to the basics and fell deeply in love with his faith all over again.

Photography: Kelli Seeley | Nuptial Mass or Engagement Location: Church of Santa Maria, Orinda, California | Reception: Orinda Country Club | Rings: Exclusive Diamonds by Carter  | Flowers: Clayton Sonset Flowers | Dress: BHLDN | Tux: The Black Tux | Cake: Susie Cakes | Catering: Orinda Country Club | Invitations and table signs: Minted |  Guest Sign In Book: Artifact Uprising

The Sophia Series | Amy

Last month, we invited our longtime married readers to share the experiences that have marked, refined, and anointed their marriages; months and years that, by grace, transform the mundane, the bitter, and the incomprehensible into the fruits of holy wisdom. A purification and a clear vision for the path to heaven that lies ahead. The Sophia Series.

It's our honor to début this series, one we hope will illuminate the realities, crosses, and joys of this married vocation for newer brides, with Amy Thomas's testimony. Married since 2001 and the founder of Catholic Pilgrim, an initiative inviting the faithful deeper into the great adventure that is life with Christ, Amy's journey to the Catholic faith has become an anchor through grief and witnesses powerfully to the life-giving love of the Lord.

Purest Light Photography

I met my husband Dustin my junior year of college. It was my first day of Air Force ROTC. When I walked in I saw him sitting across the room, every fiber of my being cried out that he was the one. He felt like home to me. In a weird but beautiful way, it was like I already knew him. I was actually engaged to another man at the time, but I knew it would never work out with him, so I broke it off. Dustin and I were friends first, both secretly interested in the other but unable to say it out loud.

We finally got together after I announced my affection for him on my 21st birthday. I may or may not have had the help of a margarita. Once we realized the mutual feelings we had for each other, we just were. We never had an official first date or anything. Because we had been friends first, we knew each other and didn't need to get to know one another. Being in a relationship with Dustin was the most natural thing in the world for me.

At the start, neither Dustin or I were practicing our faith. He is Catholic and at the time, I was Protestant, but our faith lives were stagnant at best.

We decided to live together before marriage and, consequently, I got pregnant out of wedlock.

I could write an entire blog on why it's so important to wait to live together. Thankfully, we knew beforehand that we wanted to be married, and Dustin was always very committed to me throughout my pregnancy. We are an anomaly and don't recommend this strategy to anyone. We see now the beauty of what the Church teaches.

In June of 2001 we welcomed our beautiful daughter, Rhianna. Two months later, we were married. We were young--only 22--but very much in love.

We had the struggles any newlywed couple has, but along with the added struggles of being new parents right off the bat. We really grew up in those early years of our marriage, because we never had a chance to just focus on each other.

We had a baby girl with us from the get-go, and in many, many ways, I'm thankful to God for that blessing. Our daughter really did--and still does--bring out the best in us.

We had a second daughter, Sydney, in 2005. She came early and her birth is a crazy, whirlwind story, but today she's a happy, healthy teenager. After Sydney's birth, though, my husband and I slipped into a period of selfishness. It wasn't blatant or anything, but looking back I can see it clearly.

We weren't really going to church, because we couldn't decide on which church to go to. We fought frequently about my being Protestant and my husband being Catholic. We also were not open to life. I was using contraception from the start of our marriage, but I eventually stopped because it was literally killing me. I experienced severe health problems because of the Pill. I stopped taking birth control, but we weren't knowledgeable about NFP at all.

About this time, I started seriously discerning converting to the Catholic Church.

I threw a lot of lame arguments and misconceptions at my husband about the Church during our early years and he always had an answer that shattered my previous understanding. I finally saw the beauty and truth of the Catholic faith, and in 2009, I entered the Church. It truly has been one of the greatest blessings of my life.

At this same time, I became pregnant. It is terribly sad for me to say, but I wasn't happy about it. I had become very selfish and since my kids were getting older, I enjoyed a lot of "me" time. I didn't want to hassle with diaper bags, nursing, and car seats again. It pains me to say that I was not being the best version of myself. I wasn't being a good mother either, because I was so focused on myself. Eventually, I warmed to the life growing inside me and became excited to welcome this new little soul. Sadly, however, we lost that baby to miscarriage. It was crushing.

For the next four years, we experienced eight miscarriages. Each one was like a slash through my heart. No doctor would test me, and we had no clue as to why I was losing so many babies. My husband and I were utterly devastated. It got to the point, for me, that when I would get pregnant, I would fall into despair, knowing where it would lead.

I was very angry with God and couldn’t understand why He would put us through such suffering.

After my husband came back from a deployment in 2012, we talked about whether we wanted to try again for a baby. We both knew if we tried, we needed to approach it differently--we needed to bring God into the decision and pray.

So, in 2013, we tried again. This time when I took the test and saw two pink lines, I smiled. I ran to my husband and we hugged. It was a good feeling. We soon welcomed our son, Jeremiah.

My husband and I both know Mary was a great intercessor for us. We've experienced two miscarriages after Jeremiah, so we have 10 saints in heaven. I look forward to meeting them someday, and I know they keep a careful watch on their momma. I love them dearly; even though I have never met them, they have blessed me in ways I could never have imagined.

Each one of these children helped strip selfishness from my soul.

They help me to be a better mom to my earthly kids and for that, I am grateful.

This experience was definitely a trial in our marriage, but I think Dustin and I both learned our suffering can purge us of weaknesses and bad behaviors and attitudes. We know now to always bring God into our pain.

In fact, we know that you just don't do married life well without him. In our 16 years of marriage we've dealt with 10 miscarriages, a suicide by a family member, the divorce of my parents, and other crosses along the way. Dustin is my partner, and he is who I want holding my hand through the trials of this life. I want to be there for him, too.

My sister-in-law once told me that marriage is about learning to love well. I think that's true. If we commit ourselves to our spouse and strive to love him well, no matter what life throws at us we can weather it together and come out even better on the other side of the storm.

Amy's words of wisdom for brides:

Always actively look for ways you can grow and become a better wife. So often we focus on what our spouse needs to fix about himself that we never look at what we need to change.

Date your spouse. When kids come, you have to get creative, but it can be done. You and your husband need time to connect and enjoy each other without focusing on babies, bills, and burdens.

With men, just ask them. We ladies often want men to do things how we would do things. We want them to see the mess or anticipate what needs to be done. Most men just don't operate that way, yet most will be quick to help if you simply ask nicely.

No matter where you've been and where you are in your vocation, know of our prayers for you and your marriage. Feeling called to share your own story? Submit your Sophia Series testimony here.

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About the author: Amy Thomas hails from the great state of Kansas, though she's lived the last 15 years away from the “Land of Oz” traveling the country with with her Air Force Airman. She graduated from Kansas State University in 2001 and married her love, Dustin, that same year. She has three amazing kiddos–two daughters and a son. Amy runs the website Catholic Pilgrim and loves to write about the incredible journey of living a genuine, authentic Catholic life. 

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How I Chose My Wedding Gown + A Prayer for Dress Shopping

EMILY RICCI

A few months after my husband and I started dating, I asked him what had made him fall in love with me. After all, we’d been friends for over a year beforehand. His response shocked me.

“Your modesty,” he replied almost instantly. “While every other girl at our school is trying to show everything off, you are always modest, and that’s what made me first look at you.”

When I use the term modesty, I mean it as extending chastity--sexual integration for the sake of freedom--to love of neighbor: guarding others from lust while communicating self-respect. This doesn’t mean I can stop others from having impure thoughts or that it is my fault if they still do, but simply that I want to do my best in assisting others with that struggle. Modesty, for me, means evaluating the motives behind my outfits, examining whether I am wearing something to draw notice or attention to just my body, rather than to the fullness of who I am.

I knew I wanted to find a wedding dress that reflected these values. I wanted my dress to show off not my skin, but my love for my husband. A love that had caused me to leave some parts of myself covered prior to marriage. I didn’t view modesty as a milestone that I had reached and could now discard as I walked down the aisle, but as a lifestyle I wanted to continue embracing even after marriage.

Yet wedding dress shopping can be disheartening for brides who desire to convey their femininity in a non-revealing way. Add to that the fact that I wanted to completely cover my shoulders and shoulder blades due to significant scarring from teenage acne, and I knew shopping would be a challenge.

Despite this foreknowledge, I found the only time I got giddy was whenever I would step into David’s Bridal, my store of choice due to proximity and price range. I’m not sure why, but the bright atmosphere, cheery attendants, and racks of sparkling gowns would make me feel, for a few moments, the true excitement for my wedding day that I often buried under layers of anxiety. Even the fresh, flowery smell of the store would make my heart race in fairy-tale glee.

The day of my first dress appointment brought a healthy dose of concern. I had, of course, spent hours on the internet putting together images of ideal dresses before ever entering the store, but they were all iterations of the same dress I’d had in my mind since I was young: a pure white, A-line gown with lace cap sleeves. The one website lacking a dress like that was that for David’s. However, I assumed they’d have others in the shop.

They didn’t.

The bubbly attendant assigned to me greeted us at the door and asked to see some pictures for inspiration. As I showed her each one, her face fell. “I don’t think we really have anything like that,” she admitted. Still, she told me she would see what she had. I fought back tears of frustration.

“Just try on this strapless dress,” my attendant insisted, but I refused. What had she not understood about my needs? “What if we added sleeves?” she asked, probably desperate to get me into any dress at that point.

My heart beat a little faster. I’d never even considered alterations like sleeves, panels, or layers. “I…didn’t know that was an option,” I replied. In response, she opened a tissue-papered package with a pair of lace cap sleeves, just like I’d originally envisioned.

As I stepped out into the wall of mirrors wearing that first dress, the lace sleeves balancing precariously on my shoulders, I blinked in surprise. I realized I was standing in the very dress I’d always pictured. This was it. This was the dress, except instead of a model, it was me in the dress, and it looked even better than I’d imagined.

At that point, there was no need for me to keep trying on dresses, but I slipped on two more anyway. As my mom stepped away to look at jewelry, I stood alone before the mirror, fighting back tears. Like so many other things that I knew God had brought to me in the past (including my groom-to-be), this dress just felt inexplicably right. Like they say, when you know, you know.

As someone who has always had poor body image, I was shocked to feel so radiant.

By the world’s standards, my dress may have been boring or plain. But for me, it allowed me to exemplify who I am as a woman, and who I want to be as a wife.

My “simple” gown, like any modest, feminine choice would,  invited our guests to focus not on my body, but on the love in my eyes and the joy in my heart.

In a small way, it allowed me to witness to Christ, and make him--not me--the center of our celebration.

As someone who’s been there, I’d advise brides feeling anxious about dress choices to remember Romans 12:2: “Do not allow this world to mold you into its own image.” Reality shows  and bridal magazines do not define what a beautiful bride looks like.

Whether you’re worried about size, modesty, cost, or something else, don’t feel you have to settle for the world’s standards. Instead, let the joy of your love for your spouse, and for Christ, be your choice garment on your wedding day.

I wish I’d said a prayer that day before going shopping, because I bet the experience would have been far less stressful. Looking back, this is what I would have prayed:

Prayer before wedding dress shopping

Lord, as I go to try on wedding dresses today, I pray this is a joyful time, and I offer you the anxiety I may feel.

Help me to experience joy in this process, and find a dress that will make me feel beautiful inside and out.

Thank you for my groom, who values my heart over my body. Help me to remember he will find me radiant no matter what I wear and that my smile is all he needs to be happy.

Guide me to the dress that will mark our new beginning, that will exhibit my love and joy in this vocation and make me feel like Your beautiful, beloved daughter. Allow my dress to glorify You, oh Lord, and praise you for the gifts you’ve given me.

If I am worried about my looks, help me see past my self-perceived flaws, to see me as you see me, and remind me that my true beauty lies not in the standards of this world, not in the clothes I wear on the outside, but in the way I live my life, and in the joy I exhibit in your Presence and in the presence of my beloved.

Amen.

Images by Newman Photos, from the author's wedding.

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About the Author: Emily Ricci is a Spoken Bride vendor and the owner of Gloriam Marketing, a Catholic marketing, consulting, and event planning firm that designs programs and custom inserts for Catholic weddings. She married her college sweetheart and best friend on June 16, 2017 and has a passion for Christ, marketing, and the Oxford comma (in that order).

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Behold, You Are Beautiful.

JENNY JAMES

This piece is the second in a two-part series on fitness and self-image. Jenny James and her neighbor, Emily Kelch, are the founders of SoulStrength Sisters, a women's fitness ministry that prioritizes community, feminine strength, and the wholeness of who women are created to be. Read Emily's reflection here.

Arise, my love, my beautiful one, and come away. O my dove, in the clefts of the rock in the crannies of the cliff, let me see your face, let me hear your voice, for your voice is sweet, and your face is lovely. - Song of Songs 2:13-14

Photography: Anne Molnar Photography, seen in Katherine + Dominic's Fourth of July wedding

How did I know my husband was the one? He was deeply interested in me--not in a falsely flattering way, but in a way that was drawing out the good in me. He sought me where I didn’t know that I was: curled up in a ball, in a cleft of a cliff, walling off the best parts of me in order to protect my heart.

Under his gaze, I opened like a bud in spring. Tentatively at first, but in the warmth of his love, I blossomed into the real me. Over the past eight  years, he has loved me as I’ve struggled with body image and doubts about my worth. No matter how many times my husband affirmed, “You look great! You’re beautiful!” I didn’t believe him.  

God loves beauty. He created beauty. He is beautiful.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to look beautiful, healthy and strong. Our bodies are his temple, and he wants us to take care of them in the best way we can.

What is wrong is putting my worth into a distorted view of what I think beauty should look like in me. What is wrong is wanting to change the temple he gave me into something it is not, or into someone who I am not.

Slowly, with much prayer and effort, the Lord has given me the wisdom and discipline to eat healthier and become more consistent in my workouts. He’s even graced me with a love for weight training. But the bigger lesson is still being drawn out of me.

As my Savior calls to me, “arise my love, my beautiful one, let me see your face,” He beckons me away from my walled-off hole in the cliff where I self-analyze, tear down and obsess. He wants to see my face just the way I am.

If I turn my gaze to him, I will stop thinking so much about me, me, me.

I still have a long way to go. There are times--like tonight--when it’s that time of the month, I’ve had one too many dark chocolate pieces, and I hide myself from my husband while changing clothes before bed. What is this? I’ve crawled back behind my walls, hiding in that most miserable kind of pride: the pride of sensitivity that masks itself as humility.  

I can’t force these thoughts and feelings to go away. Through prayer, though, the Lord is changing me. He reminds me of my worth as his beloved. And gently, most gently, he takes my face in his hands, turning my thoughts away from me and towards him and others whom he wants me to love.  

If you haven’t read Song of Songs in awhile, go back and revisit it. Imagine you are the bride and Jesus the bridegroom. Then hear, a thousand times over, Jesus saying to you: Behold, you are beautiful, my love, behold, you are beautiful.

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About the Author: Daughter of the King, wife to the strongest, most loyal man, mama to three blossoming littles, Jenny left a "real" job at a solid company after (finally) recognizing God calling her to be wife and mother first. After struggling for years with fluctuating weight, Jenny found stability and consistency in weight training. When her dear friend Emily asked her to start a fitness coaching business with her, she jumped at the chance to teach other women about the beauty and success of weight training.  Along with Emily, Jenny is the co-creator of SoulStrength Sisters.

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How to Create + Give a Spiritual Bouquet

ANDI COMPTON

On the morning of our wedding, my Maid of Honor presented me with a bouquet of daisies. Tied to the flowers were sweet cards written with prayers and sacrifices our bridal party and friends had been offering for my husband and I as as we prepared for our wedding day. I was absolutely floored by this wonderful, thoughtful gift; a spiritual bouquet. It was incredible to see all the ways our loved ones were bringing us to the Lord. A reminder of how we are all part of the body of Christ, praying and sacrificing for one another always.

There is no right or wrong way to create a spiritual bouquet, a lovely way of gathering prayers either from yourself or a group, for anyone who could use some spiritual encouragement. Essentially, it is a gift of prayer--like a bouquet, a collection of beautiful offerings intended to bear fruit, goodness, and beauty in the life of the recipient--that can be presented in a creative, tangible way to commemorate a significant event.

If you’re a bridesmaid looking to intercede for a bride, or a bride hoping to infuse your gifts for parents and wedding party members with a spiritual dimension, here are ideas to inspire you.

Binder of prayers

This works well when you’ve got a large amount of people--even groups of several hundred--contributing, or when flowers simply wouldn’t be practical or affordable. Use the free printable we’ve created below to distribute the cards. Have participants to fill in with prayers and sacrifices, then collect them and use plastic trading card sleeves to put them in a binder.

Embroidered flowers or a floral painting

For flowers that last forever, considering ordering or creating your own work of art. Hyssop and Honey turns your prayers into flowers for a lasting keepsake. If you're feeling artistic, try painting or crafting your bouquet as you pray.

Greeting cards

Something as simple as sending a loved one a card like this one, citing prayers you’ve offered for them, is a great way to show your love and encouragement.

Download our Spiritual Bouquet printable below:

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About the Author: Andi Compton is Spoken Bride's Business Director. She is the owner of Now That's a Party where she coordinates weddings, fundraising galas, and social events. Read more

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Amanda + Craig | Indianapolis Ballroom Wedding

The first day of the school year at Indiana University Purdue, Amanda--a brand-new freshman--and her roommate prepared to attend a speaker on campus, with her roommate’s high school friend and fellow student, Craig, along. Craig recalls the afternoon fondly, yet Amanda’s most vivid memory is that Craig made them late for the ice cream social that followed the event.

Amanda and Craig continued spending time together with mutual friends that semester, and spent much one-on-one time on unofficial dates. That spring, while swimming laps in the campus pool, Craig asked Amanda out.

Throughout their college years, Amanda and Craig’s faith grew, and strengthened their relationship in turn, through the Catholic Student Organization, Bible studies, and FOCUS discipleship at the university. They began weekly holy hours before the blessed sacrament in their beloved campus chapel, Saint John the Evangelist, where their discernment of marriage flourished in silence and where it became evident to Craig he would one day propose.

With the knowledge that he and Amanda desired to model their relationship after the Holy Family, Craig purchased a Miraculous Medal for Amanda and a Saint Joseph medal for himself. And an engagement ring.

Not long after asking their campus chaplain to bless these items, Amanda and Craig knelt before Our Lady during Adoration at Saint John’s. This time, unlike their many other hours in the chapel, Craig got down on one knee. After Amanda’s yes, they placed the medals around one another’s necks and lit two votive offerings, one at the feet of Mary and the other at the statue of Saint Joseph.

From the Bride: How special and beautiful that a little over a year later, we were united in the sacrament of Holy Matrimony in that same sacred place. And just as we spent the first moments of our engagement kneeling before the statues of Mary and Joseph, we spent the first moments of our marriage before those same statues, praying for our marriage as we placed flower offerings during our wedding Mass.

It was during the rehearsal the night before that everything hit me: I stood on the altar next to my husband-to-be and looked out over our closest family and friends gathered in the church. I felt so incredibly and deeply loved. Hardly any of my family had seen the church before. Saint John’s and its pastor, Fr. Rick, hold a dear place in our hearts; it filled me with joy to share them with my loved ones.

After the rehearsal Fr. Rick gave us time for the sacrament of reconciliation. Craig and I wanted to be completely clean and free for our wedding day. Receiving absolution from the priest who had meant so much to us through the years was perfect. Many of our family members also chose to go to confession, which filled our hearts with such joy. Our wedding was bringing those we love closer to our shared faith. Craig and I prayed in the parking lot before parting ways, our last prayer together before becoming husband and wife.

The morning of the wedding was a whirlwind, but I remained surprisingly calm. I knew without a doubt that this was God’s plan for my life, and I had no second thoughts. Before the ceremony, Craig and I had a first look, which was one of my favorite moments. Instead of seeing each other, we stood back-to-back at a door in the church and held hands. I got emotional and couldn’t stop the tears running down my face. I was absolutely certain this was what God wanted for us. As I started to pull away, Craig wouldn’t let go of my hand. This completely tugged at my heart.

I also did a first look with my dad. When he saw me for the first time he teared up. My dad is not usually very emotional, and it was so touching that he cried. During the father-daughter dance at the reception, my dad got emotional again, and it was so sweet! He pulled me in closer, trying to control his emotions. These moments with my dad on the wedding day meant a lot to me.

Minutes before the ceremony, my sister led the bridesmaids in a prayer for Craig and I and our new marriage. Then they processed up the aisle, and I was left alone with my dad. The back doors of the church were flung open, and I looked down the long aisle at my husband-to-be.

It’s such a long aisle, I could hardly tell Craig was crying. I walked down the aisle in the beautiful church that was home to us, seeing my husband-to-be in tears. I heard my dad sniffling beside me, saw Fr Rick and all my family and friends. I was wearing my mother’s veil, clutching the bouquet I’d made with my sister, mom, aunts, and grandma, feeling the antique rosary beads, a gift from my godmother, entwined in the flowers, and wiping my tears with a handkerchief embroidered with lace from my mom’s wedding dress.

I was completely, utterly surrounded by love. It was the most amazing feeling, knowing I was about to be united sacramentally with my husband, surrounded by a host of saints and angels.

From the Groom: Amanda and I had meticulously planned the liturgy for our wedding ceremony. Our first reading was Tobit 8:4b-8, where Tobiah and Sarah pray fervently to God on their wedding night, praising him and asking for his blessing. This reading spoke to us, as it exemplified a marriage built on prayer. First John 4:7-12 was our second reading: “...if we love one another, God remains in us, and his love is brought to perfection in us.” Our gospel reading, John 2:1-11, was the wedding feast at Cana. Amanda has always loved this reading, as it was Jesus’ first miracle, and we find it extremely meaningful that Jesus listened to his mother to perform it. With these readings, Amanda and I desire to pray to God before all things, to exemplify God’s love with our marriage, and to listen to Mary.

One of my favorite parts of the Mass was Communion. Amanda and I had been Extraordinary Ministers of Holy Communion at Saint John’s for a few years, and during our wedding prep Fr. Rick encouraged us to consider if we wanted to be ministers of communion during our wedding Mass. We prayed about it, and felt absolutely that this was what we should do.

So my new wife stood in front of the statue of Mary (where we had gotten engaged) and gave Jesus’ blood to her family and friends and I stood in front of the statue of Joseph to do the same for my family and friends, while the song “Let Me be Your Servant” played. We wanted this part of the Mass to convey we are called to always serve others, to be the hands and feet of Jesus, and to always point our lives to the Lord.    

Amanda: I was nothing but smiles the entire reception. Our first dance, “When I Say I Do” by Matthew West, was so special, and Craig and I got to show off some of the dance moves we had learned together in college. All of the flowers, décor, and centerpieces were handmade by the women in my family, including a frame my sister made, “I have found the one whom my soul loves,” from the Song of Songs. We cut our cake using the utensils my grandparents used at their wedding over 60 years ago. Instead of everyone dancing when the DJ called the last song of the night, our friends and family circled around Craig and me, beaming, as we danced.

Thinking back on our wedding day, we felt an immense power of overwhelming love the entire day. Family and friends traveled from afar to celebrate with us, and we felt blessed beyond belief. Our favorite gift was from Fr. Rick: a container of the holy water used during our wedding Mass, and we bless each other with it after our favorite prayer--Night Prayer. It fills our hearts with such peace and contentment to sing the last canticle together: “Protect us, Lord, as we lay awake; watch over us as we sleep, that awake, we may keep watch with Christ, and asleep, rest in his peace.” Our wedding was a beautiful day full of love, and we are abundantly, richly blessed.

From the Photographer: Amanda and Craig's first look was one of the most special I have ever witnessed. As we walked up to it, I prayed with Amanda--one of the most precious moments I can have with a bride on her wedding day. Instead of actually looking at one another, when they reached each other, they held hands.

She cried. He beamed. They looked off in the distance, and I could tell that not only were they ready, but the Lord was ready for them to be married. It’s like they had been waiting for each other their whole lives long, and finally, today was the day they were uniting. This shows in their photos, too, because both of them were all smiles throughout the whole day!

Photography: Souls Creation Photography | Church: Saint John the Evangelist Catholic Church, http://www.stjohnsindy.org/ | Reception: Grafton Peek Ballroom, http://www.graftonpeek.com/venues/grafton-peek-ballroom/ | Coordinator: Brittany Scher | Cake: Grafton Peek Catering, http://www.graftonpeek.com/ | DJ: David Malone | Rings: Distinctive Diamonds, https://diamondsdirect.com/indianapolis | Dress: Marie Gabriel Couture, https://mariegabrielcouture.com/ | Jewelry: Hair Piece from Amazon (https://www.amazon.com), Earrings from Versona (https://www.shopversona.com/) | Shoes: Amazon, https://www.amazon.com | Menswear: Joseph A. Bank, http://www.josbank.com/ | Bridesmaid Dresses: Alfred Angelo purchased at Siebert’s, http://www.siebertsclothing.com/

Cultivating Gratitude for Your Body

EMILY KELCH

This piece is the first in a two-part series on fitness and self-image. Emily Kelch and her neighbor, Jenny James, are the founders of SoulStrength Sisters, a women's fitness ministry that prioritizes community, feminine strength, and the wholeness of who women are created to be. Read Jenny's reflection next week.

Navigating the waters of fitness as a Catholic woman can be a treacherous journey. Nurturing our bodies as temples of the Holy Spirit is a just and worthy pursuit. But women, in particular, face a tension that exists between being fully alive--mind, body, and soul--and being a slave to sloth or exercise: the mirror or the magazines? The chocolate or the comparison?

I was immune to this tension in high school and college as I immersed myself in sports. But when I began preparing for my wedding day, I was bombarded with eating plans and bridal boot camps designed to help me achieve the coveted toned arms, sculpted six pack, and perky glutes of glowing, gowned models in magazines. I'm sorry to say I resorted to the not-so-healthy habits of under-eating and hours on the treadmill.

Ten years later, I am still bombarded with images of the ideal, but this time in the form of 4-week postpartum, bikini-clad celebrities, fitness models preaching the perfect exercise for my body, and articles claiming they know the secrets to gain "only belly weight during pregnancy." Sisters, it doesn't stop after your wedding day, but I wish I would have been able to tell my bride-self these five pieces of wisdom to help foster gratitude for the temple.

Own your Beauty.  

Just as we are given spiritual gifts to nurture and grow, we are also given physical gifts--and we shouldn't be ashamed! If we are fearfully and wonderfully made, we must walk, run, and lift with poise and dignity despite knowledge of our flaws. No, you may not be able to pull off that lipstick your girlfriend dons or wear your sister's skinny jeans, but those curly locks? That dimpled smile? They are gifts, so rock your own unique, unequivocal beauty.

Move with Joy.

I love deadlifting heavy weights. My dear sister is a natural yogi, while my best friend finds peace in the quiet monotony of a morning swim. Find something you love so "working out" isn't actual work.

Change with the Season.  

Seasons of life prune us as we go: a new job's schedule may conflict with your favorite barre class; the little life growing within you will prevent your all-time-squat PR; liturgical seasons like Lent force you to assess attachments to vice and sin. The seemingly small changes in our lives are opportunities for grace and are built-in mortifications. Accept them as gifts, and adjust realistically.

Find Community.

We live in constant temptation to compare, so find a tribe that speaks to your heart, challenges you physically, and encourages you spiritually.

Be grounded in prayer.

When I am meeting the Lord in prayer every day, I am reminded that my worth isn't in the absence of a thigh gap, impeccable meal planning, or a perfectly planned workout schedule. My worth is found as a daughter of God. When we are grounded in prayer, fitness is less likely to become an idol and more likely to be viewed as a tool to grow in temperance, self control, and obedience.

Through ten years of marriage, five babies, multiple failures and “beginning agains,” I've found that to be the best gift I can give my husband and children, I must aim to be my best self--body and soul. I still stumble at times (many times!), but I always come back to these points to help refresh my perspective.  

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About the Author: Smitten wife, mama of five, homeschooler and nurse (on the very, very side), Emily is a recovering people-pleaser whose favorite things include deadlifts, feminine dresses, St. Therese, and 90s music playlists. While she thoroughly enjoys hosting dance parties and serving British delicacies with her very sanguine husband, she is happiest in the company of life-giving friends, deep conversations, and drinking in the beauty of quiet, prayerful mornings, and fresh--not yet reheated--coffee.

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